Hero's Curse (22 page)

He guffawed, “A bit high-strung, Vic? For a second there, I thought you were going to piss your pants.”

A solid wood restaurant table, if used correctly, can be a deadly weapon. B was sitting across from me. I visualized flipping the table on its side and then using the full weight of my body to smash it into B’s head and upper chest. The trick is to knock your target flat on his back and then repetitively slam the edge of the table onto him until he’s unconscious or dead. I was sitting at a table built to sit two. It probably weighed forty pounds. I imagined the table smashing into his nose and his two small cheek bones. I could see the small, thin bones of his nose and cheeks implode. I imagined pulling the table back up again then aiming for his jaw; it would probably shatter into pieces. A couple of his perfect ivory teeth would embed themselves into the table edge. Finally, I’d slam the table onto his neck and crush his throat. The thought of standing over him watching him slowly suffocate made me smile.

B’s body language changed; he didn’t appear as relaxed but he still seemed amused. “Thinking about good times, Vic?”

Imagining what I wanted to do to him put me in a better mood, “Yeah, I am. So B, what brings you here?”

He lost his happy face and looked serious, “I just found out that a whole passel of shit is headed your way. If you don’t play it right, I’m headed back to the Eastern Front.”

I dropped my grin. This didn’t sound good. “How’s that bad for me?”

“I head back into combat when you’re dead.”

I met his eyes. “So, what’s up?”

“Heavenly politics—there’s a faction in the bureaucracy that wants Jehovah to stop playing defense. Bureaucracies are like septic tanks; the biggest globs always float to the top. There’s a war faction led by Samael, one of the biggest chunks in the Hosts of Heaven. He thinks it’s ridiculous that Jehovah isn’t taking over other dimensions. He wants to set up a hot war with another pantheon. Guess which?”

I sighed, “The Norse.”

“You got it. According to Samael, the Nordic Gods are a perfect target. They control eight dimensions, they don’t have that many troops, and they’re not united. Samael thinks Earth is getting overcrowded, so he wants to start a human breeding program in these other dimensions.”

B looked contemptuous. “The Jotunn didn’t get smart on their own. They were manipulated into forming a warband and they’re being fed intel. The trolls here are simple Mythic Heroes. They’re meant to be pawns and don’t know the rules of engagement. An argument could be made that by banding together as a group and taking on paladins with overwhelming force they’ve already broken the treaty between the Nordic Gods and Jehovah. In the last year, two paladins and hundreds of Oath Brothers have been killed in the Mountain West. If a few more paladins go down, things are going to get uglier, real fast.”

“Samael’s an archangel, right?”

“Yeah.”

“So are you. Can’t you intervene?”

B shook his head. He was a mirror image of me a minute ago. I could see him imagining something pleasant. “Back in the day before things got complicated, I could have bitch slapped him until he wised up. Angelic duels are now forbidden. You have to understand—pretty much every single believer in Jehovah, Yaweh, and Allah becomes an angel. One on one, I can take the prissy little girly-girl, but Samael has millions of angels that follow his orders.”

B’s feral grin turned pensive, almost nostalgic, “A couple thousand years ago I had more troops than he did. Now I have none. They’re all dead.” He shook his head almost as if he was shaking off his thoughts like a dog shakes off water, and resumed his customary amused expression, “I tried to set up a meeting with the son-of-a-bitch. His administrative assistant gave me an appointment ten years from now.”

“So what does this mean for me?”

“What this means is the Jotunn warband knows you ain’t got jackshit; they’re going to attack tonight. You stay with your current plan, you’re dead meat.”

Fuck! “And how do you know this?”

B put his hands up apologetically, “I got my sources.”

“Who’s giving the trolls the info on us?”

“I wish I could tell you.”

“Fuck! You’re certain. The trolls are going to attack us tonight?”

“Yeah.”

“Got any suggestions?”

B leaned back in his chair and dramatically blew out a big sigh. “Like I told you before, there are rules. You have to make your own plans. I can’t help you that way.”

I didn’t buy his sorry-ass excuse, “So what’s going on with Samael? He’s got to be breaking rules. He’s helping minions kill paladins and trying to start a war and you can’t do shit?”

B didn’t try to hide his thoughts. I saw him consider whether or not to blow me off. “Samael is a scheming, conniving, underhanded chunk of crap floating in raw sewage, but he was smart enough not to rebel. Jehovah is a pretty good boss. You give him loyalty and he’s okay with a couple fuckups here and there. The Bible is right. He’s into forgiveness, especially if you’re trying to increase his power and dominion. When Samael gets caught—and he will—he’ll get his hand slapped for wasting a few paladins. The Nordic Gods won’t have a prayer if the war gets hot. His reward for bringing eight new Universes under Jehovah’s control will more than make up for his punishment.” He shrugged. “With the advantage of hindsight, especially after a big, fat steaming load landed on my head, I can tell you that rebelling didn’t turn out so good. Like I said before, I’m on the Beloved Leader’s shit list; if I walk off the straight and narrow, my ass is grass. Right now, I can give you advice to partially offset the intel that the Jotunn are getting from Samael, but nothing else.”

Thoughts spun and twisted in my head. I had been so confident that I’d have time to prepare. “How good is the Jotunn’s intelligence? If I leave town, will they know?”

“They’ve got real time info of where you are.”

“Will they know how we’re armed?”

“Probably not, I can’t see Samael’s spy caring much, one way or the other.”

“What city within driving distance is best set up to fight the raiders?”

B raised one eyebrow. “Victor, you surprise me; I never saw you as the self-sacrificing kind. Of the cities in easy driving distance, Boise is probably the best defended. If you have help, there’s an itsy-bitsy chance of survival. Without help, you’ll have a snowball’s chance in hell. Using firearms is a nifty idea. The more guns you have the better your chances.” He flashed a grin, “Or should I say, the better our chances. You know as long as Salt Lake City is being threatened you can’t leave, right?”

“What if I was unconscious and transported while I was out?”

My guardian angel gave a surprised snort, “I’ve never heard of anyone trying that.” He stared into the distance. I could almost hear the gears grinding in his head. He mumbled, “If you weren’t conscious, the nausea wouldn’t hit you. With the Jotunn following you up to Boise, you’d have an imminent threat to your life. Your compulsions would probably let you fight when you got there. Yeah, it could work.”

“Can the Jotunn travel during the day?”

“If they shapeshift to human or animal form, yeah.”

“How do you think they’ll chase us?”

“Traditionally, they’d turn into some sort of hawk or a crow and fly, but it’d take ten hours for a bird to fly the three hundred and forty miles from Salt Lake City to Boise. Most of the warband has been here for a couple years. They’ll be a few who’ll know how to drive; driving would be a lot faster.”

“You think they’d attack us during daylight?”

“They’re a hell of a lot more powerful in their Jotunn form than in any other shape. Nope, I can’t see them attacking in any other shape; they’ll attack at night.”

I had a lot to do and not much time. “Thanks, B. I’ll see you later.” I paid the cashier on the way out, got into my truck and headed directly to the store.

When I got to the store at 1:15 PM, a sign was posted on the door, ‘Closed until further notice.’ Again, I felt the door unlock when I grabbed the handle. Everyone, including Tim, was waiting for me in the target room. “Sorry about being late guys. I’ve received information that changes everything. The trolls are still in town and if we stay we’re going to be attacked. If we had time to prepare we could take them, but we can’t right now. We have to get to Boise before nightfall.”

Everyone began to speak at once. The resulting confusion made it impossible for anyone to be heard. It took a couple tries, but Aidan finally was able to speak without anyone else trying to break in, “Victor, as the Paladin of Salt Lake City you can’t leave. As Oath Brothers, Tim and I can’t leave either.”

“I’ve got an idea on how to work around that.” I caught my true love’s eye, “Mina, I promise I’ll explain later when we have time. I know I keep asking you to be patient, but we have to get to Boise before it gets dark. I need you, Ben, and Andi to head home now and get packed. Limit yourselves to one piece of luggage. I want to leave in forty-five minutes.”

Mina met my gaze calmly, but I could see that she was going to hold me to my promise of a detailed explanation in the near future. “Tim drove us here. We’re going to need a ride back.”

“Tim, can you drive them back? Aidan and I have to talk.”

Tim began flapping his hands like he was trying to fly like a hummingbird, “Oh my God, Mr. Paladin! We can leave? I was sure we were going to die!” When he ran over with tears of happiness rolling down his face, I grabbed his shoulder with my elbow locked straight to prevent him from hugging me. I’d let him cry against my chest before because I hadn’t been expecting it. I wasn’t about to let him rub his snot on me again.

For a second, we stood frozen an arm’s length apart, Tim yearning for me like a kid grasping for candy being held just out of reach. I could see Mina biting her lip not to laugh. Ben and Andi were silently giggling so hard their bodies shook. Mina put her arm around the crying apprentice’s shoulder with a murmured “Let’s go, Tim” and led him away from me and out the door. Ben and Andi followed.

“How are we going to leave Salt Lake?” The leprechaun was skeptical.

“We’re going to cast spells on ourselves so we’re asleep. Then the Swensons will drive us to Boise while we’re unconscious.”

“That’s im…but when we wake, we’ll be forced to come right back.”

“I’m pretty sure the Jotunn will be following us. We’ll time our arrival in Boise to just before nightfall. When we wake up, they’ll be right on our ass. I’m going to need you to get in touch with the Boise Paladin and Brotherhood so we can arrange a warm welcome for them.”

Aidan looked stunned, and then laughed in relief. “Victor, that may well work.”

“We’ll need a spell to put us to sleep.”

“There are any number of them we can use.” He thought for a moment and then smiled. “I have just the one that’ll keep us asleep until we’re attacked, or until someone speaks the wake-up phrase.”

“What is it?”

“I can write it down for you.”

I shook my head, “It’d be better if you teach me the principle behind the spell. We’re going to need every advantage we can get. I have to be able to figure out how to cast spells on my own.”

Aidan got down to business. “Magic is the act of imposing your will upon the Universe. You have to have an absolutely fixed and clear idea of what you want, and then will it to happen. Words and specific ingredients help focus your mind but that’s all they really do. The sleep spell I think will be best for us has the following three commands; we will go into a deep restful sleep, we’ll awake if we’re in danger or at risk of being harmed, and a specific phrase will wake us up immediately. The usual phrase is ‘excito sursum.’ This is pivotal Victor. Your intent or what you desire the spell to accomplish is more important than the actual words you use.” He carefully studied my face to make sure I was listening and then went on, “Right now as a beginner, I think it’s a good idea for you to use a different language for all your spells. You don’t want to cast a spell by accident. After you gain enough experience, you’ll be able to cast spells by thought alone.”

“How do I heal myself?”

He nodded. “Indeed. You’ll need to learn how to do that as well. Every time you cast a spell, your soul is damaged. To be safe, before you cast a healing spell, you must first know how healthy your soul is at that moment, and then how much of your soul you’ll burn in the casting. Sleep spells don’t take much energy; for low power spells like those you don’t need a soul gauge, but for more powerful spells like healing spells, a soul gauge will help keep you from burning all your soul.”

“Let me get this straight, by soul gauge you mean something like a power bar on a cell phone that tells you how much battery life you have left?”

“That it is. Casting too many spells—burning all of your soul, will lead to eternal death. Destroy your soul and you won’t rise as an angel

“Okay, tell me if I’ve got it right; to get a soul gauge I need to visualize a power bar. Only I can see to how healthy my soul is, correct?”

“That’s true”

“I’m going to give myself a soul gauge now.”

Aidan inclined his head in agreement.

“I-ay ant-way a-ay ower-pay ar-bay or-fay y-may oul-say.” A mostly green, translucent power bar with a sliver of red at one end appeared in the corner of my right eye. I felt pretty good. I wasn’t tired and my mind was clear.