Hers for a While (11 page)

Chapter Thirteen

It had been four days since Jack had started his chemotherapy. Four treatments under his belt, and Alice could see the wear and tear it was causing to his body. She couldn’t sleep at night, thinking about the pain he was going through. How could she be so selfish to make him live his last few months suffering only to add on possibly two months to his life? A part of her thought the doctor was wrong. She wanted to believe that the chemo would be the miracle that would save his life, but after witnessing the physical decline he was going through in just four days, she was becoming a chemotherapy skeptic herself.

Jack wouldn’t admit it, but he was hurting. The love he must feel for her to put himself through it made her feel even worse. It was her time to show how much she loved him.

Rolling over in bed, she reached out to hold Jack, but he wasn’t there. Sitting up, she flicked the lamp on, noticing the light peering underneath the door of the bathroom. Kicking her legs off the side of the bed, she leaned in, trying to hear what was happening on the other side. It was quiet, and a lump formed in her throat. Was he okay?

“Jack?”

She heard his labored breathing, and she turned the knob, surprised that it was unlocked. Jack was lying on the floor, his head resting against the tile, his nasal cannula out of his nose and beside him.

“Oh my God, Jack.” Kneeling, she noticed he had thrown up in the toilet and in the trashcan nearby. She eased the oxygen back on, his skin cold and clammy. “Do I need to call an ambulance?”

Jack squinted up at her and shook his head no. “I’ve been in here… in here all night.” It took a bit for him to catch his breath, but finally, the oxygen worked its magic and he was able to breath okay on his own.

“I’m so sorry, Jack.”

“For what?” He sat up and leaned against the wall. He was covered in sweat and his hair was matted to his forehead. He looked pale, and Alice was scared to think about how long he had been without air. She was two seconds away from going ahead and calling the doctor, but he seemed to calm down.

“For putting you through this. You gave chemo a chance and it’s made you worse.”

“I didn’t think it’d tear me up this fast.” He smiled, and how he found the energy to do even that was beyond Alice. “I was thinking my body could handle it better than it has.

“Me too, but Dr. Parsons said it probably would. He really wanted to attack it, didn’t he?” She sat beside him and he rested his head on her shoulder. “Thank you for giving it a try, but I think you should stop.”

“Are you sure? I don’t want to give up.”

“Yes, Jack. I can’t stand to see you like this. If it did this to you in four days, I don’t want to know what it’d do if you kept going on it. It’s not giving up. You tried. I love you so much for that.”

They sat in silence. She wasn’t sure if Jack had fallen asleep, but when she looked down at him, he looked the most relaxed she had seen in a long time. She didn’t want to disturb him, and though it was on the bathroom floor, she allowed him to sleep. Wherever he could get some form of peace was fine with her. She rested her head against his, taking it all in. Even if it wasn’t the best situation, it was a memory she was going to cherish years from now.

She felt his chest rise and fall. Who would have ever given breathing a second thought? It was a normal body function that she noticed all too often since his diagnosis. It was something people took for granted. Now she paid close attention, and at the moment he was relaxed, breathing steady, and sleeping. Even if the oxygen was helping, at least he wasn’t hurting.

***

Alice stood in her parent’s kitchen, watching the rain from the window. The rainy weather fit her somber mood, and though the day was supposed to be a fun outing with her mom, she couldn’t shake off the blues she was feeling. Resting her forehead against the glass, she eyed the condensation that formed.

“Who is at home with Jack?”

Her mother’s question pulled her from her thoughts. “His mom wanted to spend some time with him. She insisted I get out of the house for a bit.”

“I think that’s a good idea. How has everything been going?”

Alice sat at the table and didn’t answer right away. Sipping her iced tea, she shrugged. “He’s going to stop chemo.”

“And you agree?”

“Yeah. It tore him up. I’d rather him not go through that, you know?”

“That’s a brave choice, but I think you’re both right. Stage four is…” she trailed off.

“You don’t have to say it, Mom. We know.”

She still didn’t want to let go of the idea of trying to have a baby. If Jack had stayed on chemo, there was no way he would have had the energy to even think about it, but now that he was recovering, the thought was heavy on her mind. She was still ashamed at it, but her mom had always been great at giving advice.

“Can I ask you something?”

“Of course.”

“I still think Jack and I should try to have a baby. Do you think that’s completely insane?”

Her mom smiled. It wasn’t the reaction Alice had expected, but in a good way. “I don’t think that’s insane at all. Would he be able to, you know, have sex?”

“We haven’t tried so I don’t know. I’ve sort of put the idea in his head, but it was before chemo and we haven’t talked about it since. He was hesitant, but I didn’t press the matter. Now I really want to.”

Her mom patted her hand. “Ask him again. He might have changed his mind.”

“It’s just that he’s always wanted to have a kid. He grew up an only child so he always talked about having a big family. He’s all about carrying on family traditions. I’d hate to think that it would all stop with his death. I feel selfish that I’d want to also do it to keep a part of him with me. Have a little Jack running around.”

“It’s not selfish. Not at all. If he’s capable, I say go for it.”

Annie stood up again, going back to the same window. The rain hadn’t let up. Sadness hit her again, and she hated how it came in waves, some stronger than others. Hugging herself, she dipped her head as sobs escaped from deep in her throat. Tears fell uncontrollably, and her mom’s hug made them pour harder, soaking her mother’s shirt.

She trembled under her grasp. “I just don’t know why this is happening, Mom.” She whimpered, unsure if what she said even made sense.

“I wish I knew, Alice. This shouldn’t be happening to my baby girl. Not before it happens to me.”

She felt weak. Even in her thirties, her mother’s touch helped. “I must’ve said this a thousand times, but it’s just not fair, Mom. None of this is fair. Jack has never done anything wrong in his life. Why do bad things happen to good people?”

“I can’t answer that. But I’m here for you. Your father is here for you. Maybe Jack will surprise all of us and live to be an old man.”

Pulling away, Alice wiped her face clean with her shirt, her Mom’s prediction making her smile through the sadness. “Can you imagine? Old man Jack, sitting out on the porch swing, bald and cranky, yelling at the neighbor kids to get off of his yard.” She laughed, but just as soon as the giggle came out, another pang of sorrow pushed through, and she cried again. The up and down emotions were horrible. She wasn’t sure how much more of it she could take.

“And none of us can say that won’t happen, not even the doctor. Stranger things have happened. Maybe it’ll happen for Jack as well.”

“God, I hope so, Mom. We need something good to happen. One thing needs to go our way.”

***

“How was the time spent with your mom?” Alice asked, lying next to him in bed. “You look tired. Did she wear you out?”

He tossed a magazine on the nightstand. “Lecture after lecture about treatment. About life. About arrangements. I started to tune her out after a while.”

Alice ran her hand down his thigh. “I’m sorry. After all this time, I’m still not sure how to take your mother.”

“Me either.” He smirked. “How’s your mom?”

“We didn’t end up going shopping or anything. Neither of us wanted to get out in the rain, so we just spent some time talking about things.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. Things that you and I need to talk about again.”

He glanced at her from the corner of his eye. Alice noticed that his color was back, and though he wasn’t one hundred percent healthy, he looked twenty times better than when he was going in for chemo.

“What do we need to talk about?”

Alice had to choose her words carefully. It was like she was walking on eggshells. One wrong word could cause him to stress and backtrack him.

“Remember last week when we were talking about having a baby?” He nodded but didn’t say anything, so she continued. “I still can’t get the idea out of my head. I think we should try. I think you need to keep your legacy alive. I know it seems crazy, but just think about it.”

“I’ve thought about it since the moment you told me.”

“And?”

“And I’ve got my doubts, Alice. Do you want a kid growing up without its father? From the start? The kid will never know me. Is that fair to it? And not to mention the financial burden you’d have to face on your own. I don’t want you having to be a single mother. You deserve better.”

He brought up all valid points and she hated it. They were all issues she would have to face. “Those have crossed my mind too, Jack, but still not deterring me from wanting to try this. I’ve got a good career. We won’t be bringing a child into poverty. And I’ll make sure I tell the child everyday about you. They’ll know
exactly
who their father was. What was one of the first things you told me about yourself? You love traditions. We can’t let it stop here.”

He shifted his weight in the bed and closed his eyes. “I’ve lived a life without my father. It’s tough, Alice. I was devastated when he died.” He gripped the sheet in frustration. Great, the last thing she wanted to do was get him riled up. “But I guess this is different. If… and I mean it when I say if… we were to conceive, this child wouldn’t even have the chance to bond with me like I had with my dad. It’d still be tough life without a father in the picture.”

“Don’t put it that way, Jack. The child will know who you are.” It broke her heart to hear him put it that way, but it was completely different than his situation with his father.

“I know. I have no doubt that you’d tell him about me.” He took a shallow breath. Alice noticed that his breathing was starting to become a chore for him again, but she was in denial. He wasn’t getting worse. There was no way.

“You okay, Jack?”

“Yeah. Was just thinking if I’d even have the stamina to make love to you again. I can’t imagine not being able to be intimate with you these last few months.”

“I can make love to
you,
Jack. I could do all the work. You can just lay back and enjoy the ride.” Nudging him, she tried to find some humor in it, and was satisfied when the corner of his mouth rose in a small smile. “Seriously. Just think about it. That’s all I ask. We can discuss it more tomorrow once you’ve slept on it.”

“I’m a lucky man, Alice.”

How in the world could he say something like that in the state he was in? She admired his positive attitude and wished it would rub off on her. “Yeah?”

“Yep. Whatever I did to deserve you is beyond me. Not sure what I’d do without you.” He pulled the covers around himself and buried his head in the pillow, dozing.

Not sure what I’d do without you.
The words stung. She wasn’t sure what she’d do without him either, and sadly, she feared that she would find out sooner than later.

“Alice?”

She jolted awake, feeling Jack’s hand on the small of her back. Propping up on her elbow, she grabbed her phone, seeing that it was a little after two AM.

“Everything okay?”

“Yeah. I can’t sleep.” His hand massaged her skin, resting at the waistband of her pajama pants. “Sorry to wake you up.”

“It’s okay.” She leaned in, resting her head in the crook of his neck. “What’s keeping you awake?”

“I’ve been thinking nonstop about having a little one. If that’s what you want, let’s do it. It’s what we had planned for our future. There’s no reason to let this detour get in the way of our dreams.”

Sitting up, she looked him in the eye. “You’re serious?”

“Yes. Let’s make a baby.”

She pulled him in for a tight hug, never wanting to let him go. She shivered when his hands skirted under her shirt, brushing up her side, his thumbs brushing over her nipples. Resting her head on his forehead, her breath caught in her throat as he kneaded her breasts. His lips pressed into hers and it was the first deep kiss they had shared in a long time.

Pulling away, he smiled, cupping the back of her head with his hand as the other one remained under her shirt. “Might as well take advantage while I have the energy.” He motioned his head down. “Move the sheet.”

She did and immediately noticed the bulge against his underwear. Her face heated up. Why in the hell was she blushing? “My oh my, someone wants to come out and play.”

“No telling how often that’ll happen anymore. What do you say?” His thick eyebrows danced and his flirtatious demeanor was almost too much for Alice.