He's Scared, She's Scared: Understanding the Hidden Fears That Sabotage Your Relationships (18 page)

In this fantasy scenario the barrier to commitment is seen as the loved one’s “problem” or “self-destructive” behavior. Problems frequently include an acknowledged fear of commitment. In these instances much of the enormous amount of energy that the passive avoider is giving to the relationship is devoted to encouraging a partner to “get more in touch with feelings,” “get over the need for multiple partners,” “get counseling,” “get help,” or “get sober.”

What this means is that the passive avoider is unable to accept a partner, or a relationship, as is. In all of these instances, although the passive avoider may feel fully committed, he or she is usually more committed to a full-scale effort to surmount an insurmountable barrier than to the actual partner—who may want no part of this effort. Until the barriers are overcome, there is nothing to fear. Since it is unlikely to happen, there is no, reason to feel afraid.

Committed to Fantasies About the Future

“He has a lot of reservations about marriage now, but I feel certain that once he agrees to it, he’s going to be a terrific husband and father.”

“All our problems revolve around her sleeping with her ex-boyfriend. Once that relationship is resolved, we’ll be okay.”

“From the way she behaves sexually, I’d say she was abused somewhere in the past. If we can get over those barriers, and I’m sure we can, I think she’ll open up to the idea of marriage.”

“If I can get him away from his family’s influence and he starts giving me the kind of attention he gives them, then we can discuss moving in together.”

“I have this feeling that if I could get him to spend two or three consecutive weeks with me in a vacation setting, he would realize that we should get married.”

For passive avoiders the phrase
in your dreams
has special meaning. While they may believe that they are one hundred percent committed to a person or a relationship, what they seem to be more committed to is a vision of how that person or that relationship will be in the future once some obstacle is overcome.

When these men and women talk about being committed, they are not always saying that they are committed to the situation as it exists. They are saying that they want to be committed to some improved, yet-to-be-realized relationship. In short they are committed to their own vision of the future.

This fantasy frequently also includes a partner who needs saving in some way. More often than not this partner is resistant to being saved, and this resistance is the major obstacle in the path of the future fantasy. The passive avoider’s role is that of Joan of Arc or Savior. For example: “He’s struggling with his inner demons.” “She’s wrestling with her inner child.” “His car was repossessed, and he has financial problems that preclude commitment.” “Her landlord is about to evict her.” “He’s drinking again.” “She’s smoking too much dope.” “His ex-wife and child are camped out on the lawn.” “Her ex-husband is destroying her life.” “He needs a new therapist.” “She doesn’t recognize her problems.”

Trying to play the magical role of rescuer leaves very little room for real commitment. When you’re involved with someone with a
chaotic life, you’re not worried about getting married. You’re not worried about commitment. You’re worried about getting past next Tuesday. When someone has a drama-filled life, be it by design or just bad luck, you can get very, very involved—without having to think about the future. These situations may be exciting, they may be gripping, and they may be romantic—but they are not necessarily committed.

Committed to Fantasies About What Might Have Been

There are two major ways in which passive avoiders act out in this way. The first reflects those magic, brief interludes, usually with unavailable partners who represent fantasy models against which all other relationships can be measured.

With the right filters these episodes of chasing dream partners—episodes best described as brief encounters or “ships that pass in the night”—are incomparable. The feelings you felt, the potential you sensed, it all becomes unmatchable.

At forty-six Glen has never come close to being in a long-term committed relationship, but the relationships in which he has felt most willing to make a commitment are those in which his brief-interlude fantasies combined with a woman’s unavailability. Describing one of these relationships, he says:

“I fell in love with Tanya from the way she looked from behind. That’s how it started. I was driving on Madison Avenue, and I see this woman carrying shopping bags turning the corner. I didn’t even see her face, but what I saw was so striking, it was instant death.

“Just then—it was like fate—a parking space opened up. I pulled in and started racing frantically looking from store to store. Then suddenly I saw her through the window of a jewelry store. I immediately headed inside, and I’m trying to think of what I can be doing there. What happens when the saleslady asks me if she can help me. Then I think—earrings, that’s it. I want to buy earrings for my sister.

“Anyway I see the woman, and she’s even better from the front. I am immediately lost in the chemistry. But completely lost. The salesperson asks me what I want. I say earrings. Just then Tanya gets up to leave, and I’m stuck with this tray in front of me. I run
out of the store after Tanya, as she’s getting into a cab, and I yell after her and ask her for her phone number. The cab starts up, I figure I’m dead, but just then it stops. She rolls down the window and yells out a number to me, and the cab drives away. I’m hysterical looking for a piece of paper, praying that my memory works.

“I called her and found out her story. She was separated from her husband, but not divorced. We went out for two weeks, and I was like a crazy man. Being with her, I was so anxious, I couldn’t stop hyperventilating. I used to go out and run five miles before each date just so I could get my anxiety under control. Within two weeks she told me that she loved me. It was heaven, this incredible-looking woman, looking at me and saying, ‘I love you.’ She said she was going to divorce her husband because of me.

“Four weeks into the relationship I had to go out of town for three days. The minute I got back, I phoned her, and her voice was different. We met for a drink, and no sooner did we sit down than she said, ‘We can’t do this anymore.’

“She said that she was no longer sure that she wanted to end her marriage. She said she couldn’t see me anymore because the intensity of our relationship was too threatening to her marriage. She had decided that until she was sure that she was going to get divorced, she was going to go back to seeing an old boyfriend whom she didn’t feel that passionate about. She said it was safer. And that was that. The dagger came out, and I was dead.

“You have to understand, it wasn’t like I created this whole thing in my head. All along she was the one who was talking about our future together. It was the only time I truly wanted to plan a future with anyone.

“The whole thing was like a month on drugs. I was fifty thousand feet into the air, the floor opened, and I start free-falling. When Tanya told me that we couldn’t see each other anymore, I couldn’t believe it. It was months before I could have sex with another woman. Months.”

Today, six years later, Glen still has a difficult time believing that the main component in his encounter with Tanya was fantasy. There’s a difference between a magic moment, or a magic month, or even a magic year, and a solid, steady relationship without a built-in fail-safe mechanism. Glen knew his relationship with
Tanya couldn’t last. He wasn’t even sure if he wanted it to last. But that’s enough to make anything feel perfect.

When ships pass in the night, a big part of what makes them look so good is the fact that they’re passing. If we stop to get a very good look at each other, to see the human frailties, the disappointments, the incompatibilities, the mood swings, the clingy mothers, the overprotective sisters, the snoring, the belching, the temperamental outbursts, we might not be so overwhelmed by the drama of what might have been.

The second and perhaps most prevalent way in which passive avoiders focus on fantasies of “what might have been” is when they are so invested in the dream that they are unable to recover from a lost love. For example:

“I don’t know how he could have treated me the way he did. We were so close. It’s not just the relationship, it’s more. I feel like I’ve been betrayed by my best friend.”

—JOANNE, thirty-one

“I’ve talked to all her friends. Nobody understands. Until the day she broke up with me, she acted like we were the perfect couple. People keep telling me that’s just the way she is, but I don’t believe it.”

—CHARLES, thirty-three

Joanne and Charles, and other men and women with passive issues, usually find it exceptionally difficult to recover from the loss of a love. The last thing we want to do is question the feelings of someone who feels betrayed or spurned by a lover. But if you have passive conflicts, it’s essential to get a bit of distance from the past.

We all need to grieve the loss of important relationships. It’s unhealthy not to do so. But when we put these relationships and our lost loves on pedestals and stop ourselves from finding a new, more loving partner, eyebrows must be raised in suspicion. It sometimes seems as though there is no more perfect partner than one who has lost interest—or left town.

Often passive avoiders imbue their past relationships with magical qualities way beyond the reality they experienced. They deify the ex-love and protect the relationship from scrutiny.

It is fascinating to hear how much authentic information spurned partners often reveal as they discuss these “past perfect” relationships. These relationships were sometimes brief; frequently they were tortured. They were almost never even and easy. Typically the partner whose behavior brought about the breakup had active commitment issues. Almost always there was something disruptive in the relationship, something keeping the couple apart, even when they were together. These “perfect” partners were usually unavailable before they ever became officially unavailable. And the fantasy of a perfect love was nothing more than that: a fantasy.

ALWAYS INVOLVED WITH COMMITMENTPHOBIC MEN

Recently we’ve spoken to a fair number of women about their tendency to get involved with men who have serious commitment problems. As they get older and wiser, they tend to recognize that this pattern is also protecting them from commitment. Typically these women are very much aware of not wanting to be bored. Melissa, thirty-six, said:

“I’ve attracted a lot of commitmentphobics. Not creeps. They’ve been really nice guys—fun and interesting. They just can’t go the distance. I think I may be the same way. I’m easily bored. I’ve finally figured out that I’m usually involved in a mutual dance from commitment. Maybe I don’t have the depth, or whatever it is that people have, that allows them to commit.

“When I was young, I dated guys I could control. They bored me. So I started dating men who didn’t bore me, and none of them can commit. Many of the men I date now understand the problem, and we can talk about it. I go out with this one man, very evolved. His walls look like the self-help section of a bookstore. He has a real problem with commitment, and he knows it. He warned me from the very beginning. So it’s been my choice to hang around. Yes, deep down I’m probably afraid of having some kid screaming at four o’clock in the morning, and he’s more afraid than I am. When I met him, I was not as much in touch with my fears. I didn’t see how my choices were my way of backing off.

“But this man doesn’t bore me. He’s fascinating, he’s wonderful, and warm and loving, and I drop dead when he walks into a room, he’s so cute. We keep waffling and breaking up, because I think I should get on with my life and have a child. I would marry him in a minute, but he’s not available for commitment. This is my dance.”

Like many women with passive commitment conflicts, Melissa attracts men who come on like gangbusters and then draw back suddenly. Melissa describes one such encounter.

“This incredible thing happened to me. I went to see this psychologist give a lecture. He was witty and clever, and I was completely captivated. The next day at work my phone rang. It was the psychologist. He said, ‘Look, this borders on malpractice, and I really shouldn’t be doing this, but since it was just a class, and we didn’t have any direct personal contact, I’m willing to run this risk.’ He made it sound as though it was really important to him. He said, ‘Could you have dinner with me, because I just thought you were the cutest thing?’

“Well, I just nearly dropped dead, and of course I went. For the next month he wined me and dined me. He took me out with his parents, took me out with his boss. I was running out of cocktail dresses. He treated me with great respect. I thought,
Hey, this is it. This is the one
.

“Then of course, at the end of the thirty days, he said, ‘You know, this woman I used to be involved with is coming back to town, and I would like to see her for dinner one night.’ Then he calls me a few days later and says, ‘You know, we decided to get back together. It was great, thanks, good-bye.’ It was fascinating. Most interesting of course is that he was a shrink, and I wouldn’t trust him with yesterday’s newspaper.”

Melissa says that one of the reasons she has become aware of her commitment conflicts is because of her difficulty making decisions.

“I can’t deal with too many options. In a restaurant I find myself going inert from the choices. Right now I’m planning to do volunteer work because I’m feeling this tremendous need to be of help in the world. So I’m thinking of joining a service organization. But which one? I’m thinking,
Where do I go?
Do I go to a hospital, do I do babies, do I do old people, do I do blind people,
do I serve soup on Sundays? My head feels like it’s going to explode from the possibilities. I get totally stuck. I even get stuck when I go to the video store…. How do I buy electronics? I close my eyes and point.”