He's Scared, She's Scared: Understanding the Hidden Fears That Sabotage Your Relationships (43 page)

For example, you’re meeting someone for coffee, and in your fantasies you’re thinking about words of love and commitment. You have a date for the movies, and in your fantasies you’re planning a wedding. You go out to dinner, and in your fantasies you’re on your honeymoon. Even your sexual fantasies tend to be committed. The only problem with this is that it makes you too invested in a relationship that hasn’t gotten off the ground and too committed to a person who has done little or nothing to earn it.

You should always try to keep your fantasies under control. Otherwise your responses may be more influenced by your dreams than by the real flesh-and-blood human being with human failings.

Maintain Appropriate Responses

If you give too much too soon, you put too much pressure on the relationship. You have a responsibility to maintain appropriate boundaries. Enjoy the pursuit, but don’t get totally caught up in it.

Don’t treat the beginning of a relationship as though it’s already the most important relationship you’ll ever have. You don’t know what’s going to happen. If this new person’s interest is as reliable as you think it is, it’s not going to disappear overnight. We’ve said it before, and we’ll say it again: If this is the romance of your lifetime, you’ll have a lifetime to enjoy it. So slow down.

Always remember, when new partners tell you they have commitment conflicts, no matter how attentive or loving they may be, listen to their words, believe them, and adjust your expectations accordingly.

Don’t Allow Yourself Unrealistic Expectations

If you allow your expectations to soar early in a relationship, it leaves you vulnerable for a terrible disappointment. Keep your expectations realistic and don’t jump to commitment conclusions about what is said, no matter what your new partner says or promises.

Always keep in mind that those with active commitment conflicts frequently use romantic phrases they mean only for the moment. They are capable of making plans they will never follow through on. The words raise your expectations because they gibe with your fantasies of what a new romance should feel like. But words can’t always be trusted, particularly in a new relationship.

We’re not telling you to be cold or rejective. We’re saying you have to be careful and self-protective. We’re telling you to pay attention to the subtext. Until the relationship has passed the test of time, don’t start weaving fantasies and planning a whole life around a new partner who has done nothing real to deserve what you are prepared to give.

Get a New Partner’s Romantic History and Pay Attention to What You Hear

If this person has a rocky history with others, don’t expect it to be different with you. Yes, we know that you are special. That doesn’t mean that you will be able to drastically change someone’s pattern. Heed what you hear and be forewarned.

You don’t have to prepare a test and sharpen all your number
two pencils in order to find out what you need to know from a new partner. Typically people like to share information. And even if someone is trying to conceal information, no one hides emotional garbage very well. Your job is to wake up and smell the garbage.

Don’t Be Too Easily Won Over

There are a million and one different ways to impress or “win” someone over. Perhaps your new love is buying you gifts or being kind to your grandparents. Perhaps what impresses you most is his wit, or her sensitivity or emotional depth. He or she is telling you about childhood incidents, adolescent trauma, and adult pain. This is very winning and seductive. Listen and take it all in. Perhaps you
are
establishing an intimate, connected relationship. But you may also be with someone who bares his or her soul regularly.

Always give the relationship some time before you decide that it’s the right one.

Protect Your Children, Your Work, and Your Life

Lovers can come and lovers can go, but your children, your work, and the rest of your life are going to be with you for a long time. Don’t start rearranging your life until you are sure you are with someone who is kind, supportive, caring, involved, and committed.

We don’t mean to be dogmatic about this, and we don’t mean to be cynical, but we have heard too many horror stories from people—mostly women—who have upended their lives and careers because someone asked them to do so within the first few months of a new relationship. So don’t move in with someone too quickly; don’t allow someone to move in with you too quickly; don’t involve someone with your children; don’t move to another state or city; don’t give up your house, your apartment, your dog, your cat, your job, or your friends. If you turn your whole life around for a new romance and then that romance ends, you will have a much tougher time.

Yes, we know that sometimes people have to take risks, but
don’t put any of the essential elements of
your life
at risk until you are operating on more than a romantic promise. Allow someone into your life slowly one step at a time—over a period of time. Keep in mind that committing oneself too soon is as indicative of a commitment conflict as not being able to commit at all. It shows an unrealistic attitude toward love and romance.

Often those with passive conflicts are anxious at the beginning of a relationship and feel a need to cement everything immediately. Otherwise they are sure this new love will disappear. You may feel that you are following your instincts, or being true to your real self, but more than likely you are being driven by your insecurities.

You may be right in thinking that someone is going to vanish, or you may be wrong. Either way there is every advantage in waiting to be sure. If your partner has conflicts, your need to have a more committed relationship will almost always create more anxiety and ambivalence. If you are with a sincere partner who is totally smitten, this person is not going to go away because you are being realistic. We’re not saying that you should be rejective here—we’re saying be realistic and self-protective.

Keep in mind that the best way to protect yourself from disastrous relationships is to make sure that you always have a full life of your own, partner or no partner.

Don’t Start Trying to Be the Perfect Partner

You are trying to sell yourself by giving your new partner everything you can. He looks a little thin, you start filling his refrigerator with goodies. She says she’s sorry she never finished college, you offer to give her the money to go back to school. He mentions a painful childhood incident, you become an expert on the effect of trauma in childhood development. She breaks her leg, you set yourself up on the couch as round-the-clock nurse. He mentions that he would like to get away for the summer, you borrow the money so that you can rent a beach house in his favorite community.

There are three reasons why you shouldn’t engage in this kind of behavior: (1) It is appropriate behavior for a devoted spouse in a long-term relationship; it is not appropriate behavior at the be
ginning of a relationship. (2) Your partner is apt to regard all attempts to endear yourself in this way as suffocating, smothering, entrapping. The harder you try, the more terrifying it becomes. (3) Placing your energy, your income, your time at another person’s disposal is taking away from your own development. Trying to be perfect for someone else will usually keep you from being the best you can be for yourself.

Don’t Be on Call

You can’t take care of your own life if you are prepared to drop everything at a moment’s notice to take care of somebody else’s life. We know what all those intimate phone calls between lovers are like, but they can set up a bad pattern.

As the passive partner you may assume that the person who is pursuing you has an ultimate goal of catching you and starting a committed life. This is often wrong. You need to know more about this person before you can jump to such a conclusion.

Those with passive commitment conflicts sometimes worry that if they are not home, sitting by the phone, their partners may not call again. They get frightened and anxious. Total availability can be a very bad message to convey. Your partner may come to resent your availability because it feels like a silent demand for more attention.

Recognize That Great Sex Does Not Automatically Translate into “Forever After”

Just because someone seems completely connected in the bedroom doesn’t mean they want to be connected for life. You may have a different set of boundaries than your partner. You may assume that because someone is totally passionate, loving, intense, and connected during sex, this person is going to be that way when the two of you leave the bedroom. Not necessarily the case. Those with active commitment conflicts sometimes have no boundaries in the bedroom and nothing but boundaries outside of the bedroom.

To you passion, intimacy, love, and commitment may seem to fit together, but not everybody feels the same way. So, for the record,
even when someone appears to be totally absorbed in your body, this doesn’t automatically translate into “I want to share my life with you.”

Don’t Give a Commitment of Any Kind Until You Know It’s Mutual

What spells commitment to you? What does commitment mean to your partner? When do you start feeling committed? At what moment do you begin to believe that a promise has been made? Do you believe that people who seem connected on a good first date owe it to each other to have a second date or to explore the relationship to its fullest potential? How about after the first time you have sex? Does that make you feel committed?

Is time the operative element in your commitment scenarios? Perhaps you don’t begin to feel committed until after you’ve been together six months—or a year. Maybe you don’t feel committed until after you’ve moved in with someone, or until the exact moment you say, “I do.”

To save yourself grief, know the point at which you typically start to get those “feelings” that you both owe each other more. Try to get a sense of what your partner views as commitment and don’t give more than you’re getting.

Don’t be afraid to say no. Don’t think that if you hold back on anything, be it sex or marriage, you will immediately lose the most important relationship of your life. If you are sincere about building a relationship, an equally sincere person who cares about you will respect your need for more time.

As someone with passive commitment conflicts, you need to be a little more cautious about pledging your heart and soul. You need to think more about what it means to make a promise about tomorrow.

THE MIDDLE—WHEN YOUR PARTNER PANICS

For the passive partner the middle of a commitmentphobic relationship begins at the moment your partner starts announcing ambivalence by backing away or behaving differently. Usually this
ambivalence seems directly connected to your deepening commitment and caring. It may result from some event that your partner perceives as a commitment point of no return. Something has happened to move the relationship too far along, and your partner is scared and is announcing it in a variety of ways.

This change in behavior reflects a change in attitude, although you find it hard to believe that this could be the case. Your partner may have a thousand and one excuses as to why he or she is behaving different, and because you love this person, you believe the excuses.

You have two major enemies right now: (1) denial, which keeps you from facing the facts about the ways your relationship is eroding; and (2) fear of losing the relationship, which can create a paralyzing state of mind.

If your relationship has progressed this far, you have to focus your energy on facing the facts and protecting yourself. This may not be easy. The sense of losing power and control in the relationship can be sending you into a tailspin, making you feel insecure and unsure. Make sure that you don’t respond by losing sight of who you are and what you deserve.

Important rules to remember: Don’t focus your energies on the possibilities of your partner seeing someone else. Don’t focus your energies on proving your worthiness and the value of the relationship. Both of these responses aren’t ultimately self-protective, and they may place more pressure on your partner, increasing his or her phobic responses.

Once again you need to maintain appropriate responses. If your partner is giving less, it is not appropriate to give more. You need to pull back and reassess what is going on. Spend more time protecting yourself than you do in proving yourself. To help you do this, we have the following suggestions:

Recognize and Accept Your Partner’s Conflict

It’s a big mistake to hear only the messages you want to hear—the words of love, the assurances, and the excuses. These can drown out the reality of the other set of messages. Your partner’s fears are not going to disappear because you pretend they don’t exist. Often we don’t want to hear our partners telling us that the
relationship may not work out. Instead we keep reassuring ourselves by remembering those things we want to remember.

If your partner is ambivalent, you need to know in order to protect yourself.

Don’t Accept Intolerable Behavior

Don’t reward unacceptable behavior by becoming more loving, more giving, and more accepting. If you are being treated badly, if your partner is breaking dates, breaking promises, and changing plans, it’s time to start backing away from the relationship.

This is not the time to be supportive and understanding. It will not make your partner appreciate you. In fact it may make your partner feel more threatened. We know it is difficult to walk away from someone you love. We know that you care about this person and that you want to help resolve his/her conflicts—but being more accepting of this kind of hurtful behavior is not going to help anyone.

Explain to your partner that his ambivalent behavior is making you unhappy, and if you see no
real
attempt to change or work things out, you have no choice but to back away. If your partner is treating you badly, you’re not losing very much.