Hester's Story (31 page)

She went over it often in her mind. He’d been promising her for months and months that he’d speak to Virginia. He kept on telling Hester that he was going to – really, truly – and yet he hadn’t. Why hadn’t he? She tried not to ask herself this question, because she didn’t like any of the possible answers. He was cowardly. He was lazy. He was undecided. He didn’t really want to spend the rest of his life with Hester. That was the worst answer of all.

But a child. Surely that would make a difference? Wouldn’t he love her even more if she was expecting his baby? The fact that Virginia had not succeeded in her wish to become pregnant, Hester regarded as both a good omen and also an indication that Adam made love to his wife very rarely. Just thinking about them together still had the power to fill her with a kind of anguished rage.

By the time the company was ready to leave Edinburgh, she’d missed a second period. I’ll find a doctor in London, she told herself, and then I’ll know for certain. Then, she lost herself in dreams of Adam saying
I’ll take care of you now. You must see my doctor. It’s my child you’re carrying
.

The letters flying between them grew more and more
passionate the closer they were to seeing one another again. In the latest, Adam proposed a special celebratory dinner in a quiet restaurant, just the two of them, on the Sunday after she got back to London. This was to be followed by a night, a whole night together, in the flat.

*

As Hester dressed for dinner with Adam, she made a face in the mirror. She was trying to put up her hair and acknowledging for the thousandth time how much she missed Dinah. Her friend would have helped her. She poked in a couple of pins and sighed.

‘I can’t seem to do it on my own,’ she said aloud.

She giggled. Talking to yourself was a sign of madness, wasn’t it? Well then, Hester thought, I’m crazy. She no longer knew what she thought. There were times when she was so happy that she felt as though her whole body was full of champagne and might begin to fizz and explode. At other times, she was lost in a fog of despair and misery. She was quite sure now that she was pregnant and she knew exactly when the baby had been conceived: on the last Sunday before the tour, over eight weeks ago. Since then, Adam’s letters were the only thing that gave her the strength to endure not seeing him for so long. She had no idea what she felt about the pregnancy, about having Adam’s baby, but she knew she’d have to tell him as soon as they met, and she found herself dreading it. What did that say about her own feelings?

Hester looked in the mirror and told herself that what she saw would have to do. She picked up a scarf and went to the front door of 24 Moscow Road to keep watch for the black car.

The car was there when she opened the door. She could see Adam’s face through the window, his nose
and his chin and the dark hair falling over his forehead as he turned his head to look for her. She opened the door and slid into the seat beside him and for a few moments they clung to one another, unable to speak.

‘Hester, darling darling …’ Adam nuzzled her neck and she found she was almost crying as she ran her hands through his soft hair, smelling his smell which she’d thought she’d remembered and now realised that she’d forgotten completely.

He pulled away from her and smiled. ‘Let’s go, Hester. I’ll get carried away if we sit here any longer. Food, to calm us down a bit, right?’

Hester nodded. She couldn’t find the right words. Adam was here. There was nothing to be afraid of. They’d live happily ever after. It would be all right. Everything would be all right. The baby … she nearly blurted out the news right there in the car, but managed to restrain herself.

The restaurant was dark and lit with lamps on every table, even on a May evening. Adam and Hester sat right at the back of the room. A velvet curtain hung down behind her chair and it occurred to her that Adam had specially asked to sit there because she could duck behind it if anyone he knew appeared suddenly. He was ashamed of her. Was that true? She was being over-sensitive, but on a beautiful early summer night, they could have gone to a place with a garden, or sat at one of the tables near the window. Adam didn’t want anyone to see them together. That was how it struck her, and she chided herself for being unkind. In all probability, he’d chosen this place as a treat because the food was wonderful and also extremely expensive. She’d known him long enough to realise that he liked to show off his –
Virginia’s
 – wealth.

‘You can’t imagine how I’ve missed you, Hester,’
Adam said, holding her hand as they finished their coffee. ‘Are you ready to go now? It’s been so long.’

‘Yes,’ she said. The meal had gone by and they’d chatted all through it without Hester really knowing what she was talking about. They didn’t say anything important. Nothing private, either, although Adam didn’t take his eyes from her face and towards the end of the meal, stretched his hand out under the tablecloth and ran a finger down her thigh till she thought she might faint from the bliss of it.

But being pregnant had changed her. Before she’d left on tour, she’d have been the one wanting so desperately to make love to Adam that she could scarcely swallow her food. Now, perversely, even though she felt the clothes on her body only as irritating things that got in the way of them touching one another, the fact that he was so obviously longing to take her to bed made it seem to Hester as though that was
all
he was interested in: sex. He doesn’t want to talk, she thought, conscious that she was feeling sulky for no good reason. It’s my hormones, she told herself as they walked together to the car. Once we’re alone, once we’ve made love, it will be easier to speak. I’ll tell him then.

The flat was full of flowers. He’d bought dozens of cream roses and placed them in vases everywhere. He carried Hester to the bedroom, over the threshold like a bride. Like
his
bride, Hester thought, as the fragrance of more roses overpowered her.

She closed her eyes as she lay back on the bed and let Adam unbutton her blouse.

She’d expected him to tear at the fabric in his eagerness, but he went slowly, kissing her breasts as he undressed her and Hester cried out with longing for him. She could feel the satin counterpane sliding and smooth against her skin as they made love and
afterwards she felt heavy in all her limbs as she curled herself round Adam’s body.

‘Adam,’ she whispered. ‘I want to tell you something.’

‘Mmm,’ he answered, half asleep.

Hester was breathless. The words were simple, but suddenly they seemed like stones stuck in her throat. The silence between them swelled and grew and she thought she could almost see it, hovering over the bed. She closed her eyes and let the sounds come out. ‘I’m pregnant, Adam. I’m going to have a baby at Christmas.’

He sat up at once and swung his legs down on to the carpet beside the bed. Then he covered his face with both hands and shook his head. Hester was sitting up on one elbow, and she saw him, saw his reaction, and knew in that second that everything – all their love and passion and dreams and fantasies – was about to collapse around her, and that nothing either of them could say from that moment on would alter anything.

She was sitting upright and staring at the wall when he turned to face her. He took her left hand in both of his.

‘Darling, forgive me. A bit of a shock, that’s all. I don’t know what to say. Are you sure?’

Hester nodded. Adam sighed and looked at the ceiling, then at the floor and then at her.

‘I thought you’d be pleased. I thought—’

‘I know, I know, but you must see that …’

‘What?’

‘I can’t tell you what to do, of course, but I can’t—’

‘Can’t what?’

He was twisting the sheet in his fingers. ‘It’s hard to say this, Hester. I love you so much. You must know that. But I can’t leave Virginia. There. I should have
told you months ago, but I always put it off because I couldn’t bear the possibility that you might leave me.’

She felt icy cold. ‘Why can’t you leave
her
?’ To herself, she sounded petulant and sulky, like a spoiled child.

‘I can’t. It’s not that I don’t love you, Hester, you know I do, but I’ve been married to Virginia for years and there’s a history and a past that I can’t just … well, I can’t abandon her. She had a miscarriage. Two weeks ago. It’s the latest in a series that’s gone on for years and years and now there’s no more hope. She can’t have children, and she’s, well, she’s bereft. How could I leave her now? You must see that I can’t. Imagine what her feelings would be if I married you and in six months’ time, a baby appeared. It would kill her. She’s not … well, there’s a possibility that she might try to kill herself. I can’t do that, Hester. I’m sorry.’

Frozen, Hester thought. I wish I could be frozen and never come to life again.

‘Of course I’ll help you in any way I possibly can,’ Adam went on. ‘Financially and so forth. If you decide to keep the baby. Or if you decide not to …’

Hester sprang out of bed. ‘It’s none of your damned business whether I keep the baby or not. I’ll make up my mind without telling you. I’m never going to see you again. I can’t believe what you’re saying.
Financially and so forth
as though I were some business person you’d only just met. You’re a bastard, Adam, and there’s nothing else to say. You’ve never, ever had the slightest intention of leaving Virginia. You’ve lied to me from beginning to end. You never loved me, you just wanted to
fuck
me.’ She was shrieking so loudly that her throat hurt. She never said such things. The obscenity tore at her, made her feel dirty and disgusting. ‘I’m a doll. That’s all I am. I’ve had practice now
at being that. I know all the moves a mechanical doll has to make. Like this, like this.’

She began to dance, to go through the steps she knew by heart from
Coppélia:
the little dance Swanhilde did when she was pretending to be nothing more than an automaton. She moved about jerkily on the bedroom floor, stark naked, and Adam stood up to stop her, to take her in his arms.

‘Don’t touch me,’ Hester screamed at him. ‘Don’t dare to touch me. That’s what you want me for, to be your fantasy doll, to do everything you want in bed. Things I bet Virginia won’t do, am I right? I, on the other hand, know how to make all the right moves. You’re no better than Doctor Coppélius. You’re sick. And you’ve been sleeping with
her
the whole time we’ve been together. It’s disgusting.
You’re
disgusting.’

Adam spoke calmly. ‘She’d have guessed I was seeing you if I hadn’t made love to her. Can’t you understand how difficult this is for me?’

‘Difficult for
you?
I can’t believe what you’re saying. No, I don’t understand that. Not at all,’ she shouted. She began dressing, pulling her clothes on frantically with no care or thought. ‘I don’t give a damn about you any longer. I’ve wasted these months. I’ve probably ruined my whole life. It might be that I’ll never dance again.’

‘No, surely—’

‘What do you know about it? Nothing! I’ll get fat and slow and no one will want to employ me.’

‘You don’t need to have this child,’ Adam said, in a voice so soft that she could barely hear it. ‘I know a doctor—’

‘Abortion? You’d kill the only child you’re ever likely to have? Are you
that
wicked? I didn’t think you’d be capable of such cruelty.’

‘It’s not a baby, Hester. Not yet. Not to me.’

‘Well, it bloody well
is
to me.’ She sat down on the end of the bed and began to cry. ‘Or it was, till I told you. Now it’s a part of you and I don’t know whether I want to have it anywhere in my body. At this very moment I wish I could tear it out with my own hands and flush it down a drain. I wish I could have a miscarriage. I wish I’d never seen you. I wish I could die.’

‘Stop, Hester, stop. You’ll be all right. I’ll look after you.’

Hester stopped crying at once and stood up. She took a handkerchief out of her handbag and blew her nose. Act, she said to herself. Play a part. Dignity. Act dignified. In control. Don’t let him see how much every bit of you is hurting. She gathered herself together in the way she’d grown used to doing just before making an entrance. She was ready.

‘No, Adam,’ she said, surprising herself with the steadiness of her own voice. ‘Thank you very much. I don’t want your help.
Financially and so forth
or otherwise. I don’t want to see you ever again. I don’t want you to write to me. I want you to disappear. That’s all. I’m going to try and forget I ever knew you. Go back to Virginia and I hope you rot away with regret. You won’t. You find it very easy, don’t you, to push things aside that don’t fit in with your life, so put me out of your mind. Forget about me. I’ll make bloody sure you never lay eyes on your child. If I decide to have it, that is. I might abort it. I might kill it because I hate you so much. You can wonder all your life what your child would have been like because I’ll never tell you. And if you dare to come anywhere near me again, I’ll go straight to Orchard House and tell Virginia everything. I mean it, too. I’ll describe every detail. Everything we’ve done together. She’ll love that. That’ll help her get over her miscarriage, won’t it?
Maybe I’ll let her know anyway about
our
baby. How would you like that?’

Adam was white. ‘You wouldn’t, Hester …’

‘Probably not.’ Hester smiled. Oh, how calmly she was speaking! ‘Not because I want to spare you pain, but simply because it would make me as vile and uncaring as you are. But you’ll have to worry forever, won’t you, in case I change my mind. I’m going now. I’ll find a taxi on the main road.’

‘I’ll drive you home.’

‘I’m never stepping into that car again. I’ll find a taxi.’

‘Then I’ll wait with you until you find one.’

While they waited for a taxi to appear, neither of them said a word. Hester felt as though she were holding back a flood. If she moved or spoke, all the tears would come rushing out and drown her. When the taxi drew up beside them, she got into it without a word and without looking behind her. Right up to the last second, she was waiting. Part of her wanted him to say
no, no come back it’s all a dreadful mistake of course I’ll leave Virginia and we’ll live together forever and look after our baby don’t go I can’t live without you I can’t I can’t don’t go
.