Hidden Barriers (31 page)

As I round the corner for my driveway, I see his Jeep parked by itself. I knew he would come here eventually. As much as I don’t want to talk to him, things need to be resolved, and it may as well be right now.

I pull in next to the Jeep and see Josh sitting on the front steps, looking worn down even more than me. The dejected look in his eyes tells me how awful he must be feeling inside. I let out a sigh as I grab my purse and keys before opening the door and closing it behind me with an additional force.

Josh watches my every move as he stands to walk toward me. “Sam, please, let me explain,” he pleads.

I throw up my hand to silence him from saying anything else. I’m not about to have this conversation on my front stairs. I push the key into the door, turning to unlock the deadbolt before going inside. I hold open the door for Josh, wordlessly giving him the okay to enter. He walks in, hands in his front pockets of his jeans, and his head lowered as I shut the door behind him. I continue to walk past him to the kitchen, still not acknowledging him.

“If you want me to leave Sam, just say so, but I need to tell you I really am sorry for—”
“For what, Josh?!” I yell more than I’ve ever yelled at anyone before. Slamming my purse onto the kitchen counter, I ask again, “For what?! For not telling Sue you’ve had a girlfriend for three months, whom you apparently love more than anyone before? Or are you sorry because I found out the way I did, and you know you can’t come up with an excuse that will make this situation any better? Which is it, Josh? Because either way makes me feel like shit
inside!” I continue to yell as my head begins to throb in pain.

Josh walks toward me, trying to close the distance I desperately need to keep at the moment. “Sam, I love you. You know that. You have to know my feelings for you are real.”

I blatantly laugh at his attempt to confess his true feelings for me. “If your feelings for me are so real, then why is it you never told her about me? Tell me that, Josh, and I want an honest to God answer. Why?!”

“I don’t know, Sam! Honestly, I just don’t know. I wanted to, but a part of me never wanted to hurt her like it hurt me when I saw her finally move on with Dave. It’s as though had I introduced you to her I would be doing the same thing she did to me. I couldn’t do it, and I don’t know why,” Josh cries out.

“You couldn’t do it because you still love her, don’t you?” I raise my head to look him square in the eyes as my cell phone continues to vibrate and only now do I grab it to silence it because I know it’s not Josh calling me anymore. Drew’s name flashes across the screen. I push it aside; I’ll call him later.

“Sam, I’ll always have feelings for Sue, but I’m no longer in love with her. You have to know that.” He moves to close the distance between us.

Holding my chin up high, I say, “I’m not sure what to think anymore, and I’m too tired right now to even continue this conversation.” I grab my phone and head toward the stairs to my room.

Josh’s phone rings in his pocket. His eyes narrow as he looks at the caller ID. Sliding his finger across the screen, he answers, “Hey, Drew, what’s up?”

Drew? My brother Drew? Why would he be calling Josh? I realize I’ve avoided a few of his calls, but as I glance at my phone, I see I’ve missed seven of his incoming calls.

Josh’s bellowing voice startles me from my focus on my phone. “Are you fucking
kidding me right now!? Yeah, all right. Call me if you hear anything. I’ll see what I can get from Nick, too. I’ll tell her. Thanks.” Josh clicks off the phone and runs his hands through his hair, circling around before coming back to face me.

“Josh, what’s going on? Why did Drew call you?” I ask, unsure and sick with panic from not knowing what’s going on.

Josh hurries to stand in front of me. “You’re not going to want to hear this.” Josh stares at me with nervous eyes. His hands reach out to grab my hands, and I don’t pull back because I’m terrified at what might come out of his mouth next. “Sam, it’s Stone. No one knows where he is. He hasn’t checked in with his parole officer in over a week.” Josh continues to explain how Drew and my dad are going to be working with the jail to see what they can do, and he is going to call Nick to see if there is anything on this end that can be done. I don’t process any of what he tells me. “Sam, talk to me. Please, talk to me. Don’t shut down on me now. I’m here to help you.”

I pull out of his hold and move to the stairs in a comatose state of mind. “Go home, Josh. You can’t help me any more than I can help myself at the moment.”

“Sam…”
I hear Josh say my name, but I only pull my phone to my ear after calling the one person I need to talk to right now. The only one who really understands my struggle. I hear him answer the phone on his end. “Drew, I need you to come up to the house, please.” He doesn’t ask any questions; he just knows. When he tells me he’ll be here in a few hours and is already on his way, I feel slightly relieved. As I hang up the phone, I turn to look at the bottom of the stairs where Josh stares back at me.

“So, that’s it, Sam? I’m here, offering to help you get through this, to love you, and to protect you, and instead, you want Drew here. Drew, who’s two hours away. I fuckin’ love you! I’m supposed to be the one you go to when you need help, not him. You can’t push me away as
though I don’t know what’s going on, so talk to me. Yell at me. Fuck, I don’t care if you feel like using me as a punching bag. Just use
me
! Even if I stand here and tell you I’m not leaving you, you’re still going to push me away. I’ve never fought for someone so hard in my life. I wish you could see that. I’ll be outside if you change your mind. If not, well, I don’t know what to tell you, but at some point you need to stop being scared of letting me in and just do it. Otherwise, we’re going to continue on this same path for a very long time, and eventually one of us is going to break.”

Josh turns and walks away, but I don’t wait to hear the front door open or watch him leave. I head directly to my bedroom and lock my door before curling up in bed, wondering if and when Stone finds me again, whether I will be strong enough to survive a second time around. My eyes
close, and I think I’m not sure I am.

I know Sam’s not thinking straight. I can’t even imagine what’s going on in her head. It has to be ten times worse than what I have circling around in my own mind. To top it off, she called Drew. I don’t know what to think. I only know that hearing her say she needed him instead of me hurt me beyond words.

I couldn’t leave her alone at the house, not after the day we just had. I’ve been sitting on the front steps for well over an hour making phone calls. Lucy came home from her date early when I called her and explained the situation, and Kim and Rose will be back shortly from their derby road trip. Nick couldn’t believe his ears when I told him Stone has been missing for a week. He is going to head into the PD once he locks up Vines with Cara to see what he can find out.

Apparently, Cara and Nick convinced Sam to leave work earlier to come over and surprise me at Sunday dinner. I guess that didn’t play out the way they thought it would either.

The sound of tires coming up the driveway catches my attention. My eyes drift up to see Drew pulling in. Standing from my uncomfortable seat on the brick steps, I head over to meet him. As Drew gets out of his SUV, I lean against the back of my Jeep and give him a slight nod, silently saying hello.

Drew pulls his military issued duffle bag from the backseat as he walks over to me. “How’s she doing?” he asks as he pushes the bag straps over his shoulder.

“No idea. She got off the phone with you and told me to leave. She’s been up with Lucy for about an hour now.” I point up toward her bedroom window where shadows pass behind the blind in the early evening light. “After today’s events, she might be completely done with me.”

Drew scratches the stubble on his jaw as his eyes move away from Sam’s window back to me. “Let me talk to her,” he says, slapping my shoulder as he moves to walk into the house.

“That’s just it. No offense, Drew, but she should want to talk to me. No, she should
need
to talk to me. I’m here, and the only thing she did was call you for help. I love your sister, and she knows I’d do anything for her. It’s obvious she isn’t in the same place as me, and as much as I know I ought to go in there and help her, I can’t.”

I pull my keys from my pocket and push off toward the Jeep. Drew moves a little closer to me. “What does that mean, Josh? Are you bailing?” he questions as he stands at ease with his hands crossed over his chest.

I open the door to the Jeep and hop inside. “No, I’ll still be here for Sam if and when she needs me. All she has to do is call. If anything happens or you need me, just call. I’ve got to head to Savannah for the wedding in a few days, but I’ll be home by the end of the weekend.” I reach out to shut the door as I watch Drew turn to head inside.

“Drew.”

“Yeah?”

“Do me a favor. Tell her I only truly love her, nobody else.”

Drew lifts his chin, telling me he understands before pushing open the front door and walking inside.

I glance up one more time at Sam’s bedroom window, only to see her blinds are now open and her face staring back at me. Her head turns as I see Drew come up behind her, resting a hand on her shoulder. He says something to her. Then, her head bows, and I see her begin to sob. I turn away, start the engine, and throw my seat belt across my chest.

After I place the Jeep into drive, I never look back. If I see her cry any more tears, I know I’ll cave and run back up to her, but this time Sam needs to know what she wants, and right now,
it’s not me.

A week has passed since I’ve seen or talked to Sam. Although I’m in utter turmoil inside, I have to put on a happy façade, especially since I’m on a kayak tour on Tybee Island, Georgia, with Courtney right now. The plan is for Jeremy to propose within the hour and marry the love of his life tomorrow. I still say Emily will not go for it, but I’ve agreed to record a live feed of the event for Sue and Dave back home if it does happen regardless of my thoughts.

Home.

That’s exactly where I’d like to be instead of paddling down this creek to watch everyone else’s smiling faces and happy tears. I should be working to help Drew and Nick with any leads they might receive on Stone’s whereabouts.

A paddle to the back of my head breaks the direction of my thoughts. Turning my head to the side, I see Courtney slide up next to me in her kayak. A scowl graces her face as she rests the paddle on her lap. “Are you just about done sulking up there? Jeremy is proposing in less than a half hour. Try to be happy for him, will ya?” she commands. My face scrunches up as if I have no idea what she’s talking about. She slaps me across the arm as she points to me. “Oh, stop it already. You know exactly what I’m talking about. You act like nothing is bugging you around everyone else, but I can see right through your bullshit, Josh. Plus, you’re so blind you don’t even realize what you’re doing.”

As I narrow my eyes at Courtney, I try to think of what she’s referring to. I never once told anyone about Stone or what went down between Sam and me, so what does Courtney know? “Courtney, I have no idea what you’re talking about.” I play it off nonchalantly to see if she caves.