HIDDEN SECRETS (32 page)

“Could I have one of those?” Kate asked.

“I didn’t know you smoked,” he was surprised.

“I gave up few years ago. Ben was very anti-smoking, but I still crave one occasionally.”

Pat handed her the carton; she took one out but hesitated.

Pat flicked the lighter and lit it. Immediately Kate began to cough and splutter as she inhaled, but continued to smoke it to the end.

“I don’t think I’ll bother having another,” she said grinding the discarded butt into the ground with her heel.

“Good idea,” he agreed, as they re-joined the road. The familiar sight of the church spire emerged amid the streets and shops of Becton. She was home; and the church was an unpleasant reminder of what she had yet to endure. 

“I don’t know where I am now. Where do you live from here?” he asked.

“Turn left at the lights, and take the second right exit at the roundabout.”

Pat followed her instructions and turned into a small cul-de-sac. The street was lined with relatively new looking detached houses.

“Stop here Pat, number twenty seven.”

“It’s very nice,” he smiled.

“Not anymore,” she replied sadly.

“Shall I come in with you?” he asked.

“Yes please, if you don’t mind.”

“I’ll get your case.”

Kate fumbled around in the bottom of her handbag for her keys. She found them wedged beneath the folder that held the photographs of Ben and Anne Parrish. Forcing herself not to look at them, she turned the key in the lock and stepped inside. The broken window had been replaced making everything seem normal, but she knew it wasn’t; it never would be again.

The hallway was strewn with piles of letters and newspapers she had forgotten to cancel before leaving. Pat followed her into the house and placed her case by the stairs.

“Would you like a cup of tea or coffee?” she asked.

“Whatever you’re having will be fine.”

Kate filled the kettle and took the photographs from her bag. One by one she tore them into tiny pieces and emptied them into the pedal bin before she made the tea.

“What are you going to do now?” he asked as he sipped his drink.

“I was thinking about it on the way here. I’m going to sell this house. I can’t bear to live here on my own it’s full of memories. My mother has asked me to stay after the funeral; I’ll probably go there for a while.”

“You’ll feel better with people around you,” he agreed.

“You don’t know my mother,” Kate managed a smile.

“At least you’ve got one, you should be grateful for that.”

Kate waited for Pat to elaborate on his comment, but the conversation never materialised. He sat in silence drinking his tea, staring straight ahead as if he was in deep thought. Kate was beginning to feel uncomfortable at the prolonged silence, and was relieved to hear her land-line ringing in the hallway. She left the room and answered the call from the funeral director, who informed her of the arrangements for Ben’s funeral. His words stunned her as she listened to the harsh reality of what she was trying to deny. She replied to his questions with a simple yes or no, and replaced the receiver in the cradle.

“That was the Undertakers; Ben’s funeral is on Thursday,” her voice trembled with emotion.

“So soon?”

“I know, and I have to meet the vicar to discuss what I want him to say about Ben.”

“I’m sure you’ll know what to say,” he assured her.

“Would you mind if I asked you to leave Pat? I’m grateful for everything you’ve done, but I need to be on my own now.”

“Of course not, but I’ll need to phone a taxi to get back to the office; do you know a local firm?”

“I should have a card somewhere,” she searched through an over-filled draw.

“Here you are; these are only a few miles away, and they’re pretty reliable,” she passed it over and Pat keyed the number into his mobile.

“They’ll be ten minutes and then I’ll be out of your way.”

“You’re not in the way Pat; I just have a lot to do before the funeral and I can’t put off speaking to my mother for much longer. I need to make arrangements to move in there for a few weeks. You will be coming to Ben’s funeral won’t you?” she asked hopefully.

“I will if you don’t mind; I’d like to pay my respects.”

The sound of a car horn blaring impatiently in the street prompted Pat to take his leave.

“I nearly forgot the photographs for the paper,” Kate opened a drawer, took out an album and flicked through the pages. She paused and then removed three photographs.

“Take these Pat,” she pressed them into his hand. “Look after them they’re the last ones we had taken together.”

“I will; and thank you. I’ll be here on Thursday,” he took her hands in his and squeezed them.

“Will you travel with me in the hearse?” she asked unexpectedly.

“What about Ben’s family shouldn’t they be with you?”

“He didn’t have any close family; his parents are dead and he was an only child. I don’t know if the Parish family had any other relatives; but I don’t want them at the funeral.”

“What time do you want me to be here then?”

“The funerals at 12 0’clock; is 11 alright?”

“I’ll be here,” he kissed her gently on her cheek and left.

CHAPTER 26

OCTOBER 12TH

The morning of Ben’s funeral dawned amidst grey skies and dark storm clouds, befitting to Kate’s mood of dread and misery at the forthcoming events. She had spent a sleepless night watching the clock on the bedside locker as it slowly ticked away in the silence; ticking and ticking until she could bear it no longer. Turning on the light, she sat up in bed and looked around the room knowing this was how it was going to be from then on. No Ben to hold her and love her. It seemed as though she was the only person in the world. She had never experienced this degree of loneliness before, and it hurt like a deep throbbing wound that refused to heal.

       Seeing no point in trying to sleep anymore, she dragged her weary body out of bed and headed towards the bathroom. Turning on the shower, she undressed and stepped into the cubicle. How long she stood there motionless as the hot water washed over her, she couldn’t tell, but her skin was very red and wrinkled when she finally emerged and stood naked in front of the mirror. A black trouser suit hung neatly on a coat hanger beside a dark grey polo-neck sweater that she had placed there on the previous evening; but it was too early to dress, so she pulled on a clean pair of pyjamas and made her way down the stairs. After endless cups of tea, she went back upstairs and dressed in the plain outfit. She looked in the mirror at the drab miserable image that reflected back at her and was shocked by her reaction.

       The sight before her filled her with an inner strength that surprised her; she sensed Ben’s presence calming her and urging her not to give up. The feeling stayed with her as she closed the bedroom door and headed down the stairs. It was now 10.30, and she glanced out of the lounge window as her mother’s car approached the house. Kate walked slowly towards the front door. No words were spoken as her mother held her close and stroked her hair. As Kate pulled away, the remainder of the mourners began to arrive. After a brief exchange of solemn words, the hearse conveying Ben’s coffin drove slowly towards the house draped with a single wreath of black tulips, and Kate’s heart thudded heavily in her chest at the sight of it. Sitting between Pat and her mother in the back of the hearse, Kate stared vacantly out of the window as the cortege made its’ way slowly to the small church. Amid endless tears of overwhelming grief, Ben Preston was laid to rest after a very moving and emotional service from the same vicar who had blessed his marriage.

       Now it was over, and all the mourners with the exception of Pat, had dispersed. Kate was physically and emotionally drained and stood alone by her husband’s grave.

Watching from a distance, Pat realised he couldn’t intrude on her personal anguish; he knew she was saying farewell to Ben, and it was something she needed to do alone. After what Pat considered to be a respectable lapse of time, he made his way slowly to the graveside and placed his hand gently on her shoulder. No words were spoken as he led her away towards the empty hearse. The car drove in the direction of her mother’s home where the rest of the mourners had gathered for Ben’s wake. 

The remainder of the day passed by in a haze, as one by one the mourners left. Pat, Kate and her mother sat together in the lounge, their mood solemn and despondent.

Pat stood up and turned to face Kate.

“I’d better be going now,” he reached out and stroked her arm.

“I’ll see you out,” she followed him from the room.

“I really am sorry for your loss,” he put his arms round her and tenderly kissed her.

“Thank you for coming,” she managed a faint smile.

“Will you keep in touch?” she added.

“Of course,” he turned and left.

Kate closed the door and returned to the lounge.

“I’m going to bed mum; I’ll see you in the morning,” she spoke from the doorway.

“It’s only 8 o’clock love.”

“It doesn’t really matter what time it is; I just want this day to end.” As she walked slowly up the highly polished staircase, she was reminded of her childhood. How many times had she dashed up and down these stairs as a young girl as her mother tried to stop her from running so quickly? It seemed like only yesterday that she had been a happy care-free girl with so much to look forward to, and now she was enveloped in grief with no hope for the future.

       Ahead of her, she could see the open bedroom door and the neatly dressed bed awaiting her arrival. Stepping through the door, Kate turned around and closed it quietly behind her locking out the past and all its memories. This was her lowest point; she could sink no further into the depths of despair. At this moment she truly wished to fall asleep and never wake up; but how was she to know that she would be happy again; living a full life with a new partner and a child of her own? This was the future that she was unaware of, but for now there was only darkness and loneliness. She turned off the lights, crawled into bed and closed her eyes.

THREE MONTHS LATER.

Quite unexpectedly, Kate received a letter from Leo Marshall, the contents of which, confirmed her suspicions regarding the identity of George’s father. Emma had left a document with her solicitor instructing him to pass it to Ben Preston in the event of her early demise. Unfortunately, the solicitor had forgotten about the document; it was only as he cleared his office in order to re-locate, that he came across it.

        Inside the envelope, and written in her own hand, Emma had confessed the truth about George’s father. She had intended to tell Ben, but the opportunity never presented itself. Under the circumstances, Leo had come to the conclusion that he could not deny Kate access to her husbands’ child.

        Now she stood on the doorstep of Leo Marshall’s home and rang the bell. After a few minutes uncomfortable conversation, Leo asked if she would like to see George on her own.

“He’s in his bedroom; I’ve told him you’re his aunty.”

“But he’s already met me before,” Kate pointed out.

“I know; that’s why he thinks you looked after him at the hotel.”

Walking slowly up the stairs, Kate wandered how he would react to her. A few minutes later, she stood outside the boy’s room and gently turned the handle. Inside George looked up at her as she stood in the doorway.

“Hello; are you my new aunty?” he asked.

“Yes I am do you mind?”

“I don’t think so, but it would be better if you were my new mummy,” Kate’s heart skipped a beat; if only that could have been, she thought.

“What are you doing?” she asked.

“I’m fixing this car, it’s broken.”

He fiddled about with the toy for several minutes, and then held it up for her to see.

“It’s mended now. I’ve got more; would you like to see them?” he asked excitedly.

Kate nodded her head. George opened a tall cupboard, which revealed rows of neatly stacked boxes, and two shelves of books arranged according to size. As he removed one of the boxes, he accidentally dislodged a book. Instantly he picked up the book, and placed it back in position, making certain it was exactly level. Kate smiled to herself. There was no doubt that this boy was her husband’s son; and she wanted to be a part of his life. That’s what Ben would have wanted.