High-Sided: An Armed & Dangerous Novel (2 page)

I
was numb from the waist down. My broken ribs hurt like a bitch, but that was nothing compared to the pain I felt in my chest. If I was going to be bound to a wheelchair for the rest of my life, I wished I would’ve died in the wreck. How could I live like that? I wouldn’t be able to race ever again. I was fucking screwed.

Every day that passed, I fell deeper into despair. It’d been a week and nothing had changed. The rage inside of me was so intense, I thought I was going to explode. I hated the pitying looks, the way everyone talked to me as if I was about to break. Hell, I was close.

The door opened and my girlfriend tiptoed in, gently shutting the door. Kassidy had been by my side since the accident, to the point she appeared as haggard as I must’ve looked. Knowing the depth of her love for me made the coming conversation even more difficult.

“I’m not asleep,” I called out.

She jerked around and slammed a hand to her chest. “Oh my God, you scared me. I started talking to a nurse downstairs and lost track of time. I thought you’d be asleep.”

Taking a deep breath, I blew it out slowly, preparing for what had to be done.

With a smile on her face, Kassie strolled over and leaned down to kiss me. I turned away from her. She jerked back as if I’d slapped her. “Logan, are you okay? Are you in pain?”

Clenching my jaw, I looked at her unfeeling. “Not really.”

“What’s wrong?”

“I’m getting tired of people hovering over me all the time. I don’t have space to fucking breathe.”

She laughed nervously as if it was a joke, but my scowl didn’t waver. Her lips trembled and I could feel her pain. I was an asshole, but so be it. “Are you serious?” she asked, her voice low and shaky.

“Hell yeah, I am. It’s a never ending parade of people, traipsing into this goddamn room, staring at me with pity in their eyes. I’ve had all I can take. Why don’t you go back home? You never leave, and I don’t even want you here.”

Tears fell down her cheeks, but she stood firm, crossing her arms across her chest. “I don’t believe you. Let me guess, my dad put you up to this?”

Her dad was my boss. I was the fastest sportbike racer on his Bennett Pro Racing team, and he was none too happy I was dating his daughter. “I’m saying this because it’s the truth. It’s over, Kassidy.”

“I don’t understand. What changed?”

I stared at her as if I didn’t give a damn. “I’m damaged, stuck in a damn bed. It was fun while it lasted—while I could fuck you and shit—but I’m bored now. I won’t be racing anymore, so there’s no sense in pretending. I don’t think I can continue to sit here and try to hold conversations with you, it’s excruciating.”

“But . . .” she stumbled back, clutching at her stomach, voice breaking, “I was going to go to your college to be with you. I don’t understand. I thought you loved me.”

I shook my head. “Sorry, Kass. I can see the truth hurts, but it was the only way I knew to fuck you. And now that I can’t . . .” I held my hands up and let my words hang in the air.

She backed into the wall, tears flooding her eyes. Sobs broke from her mouth, even though I could see she was trying to hold them in. I might have been a little harsh, but she was only eighteen, and she’d recover from this . . . I wouldn’t.

The door opened and her father came in. His gaze darted from me to Kassidy. “What’s going on?”

Kassie ran out of the room, the sound of her cries could be heard even as the door clicked shut behind her. He shot me a look and hurried after her.

“Goodbye, Kassie.”

W
hy did memories hurt so bad? I had a lot of good ones, but at times, the bad ones overpowered them. My mother’s room was the last place that needed to be cleaned out before I put the house up for sale. It was secluded, with twenty acres of land in the small town of Franklin, North Carolina. My parents used to share it before they got divorced and it went to my mother. One day on the market and it’d get snagged up.

I’d piled all of the boxes into her room, so it wouldn’t feel so lonely now that she was gone. I could still smell her perfume lingering in the air. She was a fighter until the very end, but eventually, breast cancer took her. My sister and I stayed by her side the entire time. It was nice having Madison here with me, but her job was pretty demanding. She was a sports reporter and traveled all over the country, interviewing famous athletes. The only time I ever saw her was on TV.

It’d been a month since my mother passed, but the pain was still raw. I hadn’t hurt that bad in eight years.

“Kass, you okay up there?” Levi called.

I didn’t realize I’d been crying until I felt the warm tears sliding down my cheek. “I’m fine. Just looking through some things,” I shouted back.

Levi and Sean had moved all the bedroom furniture to my house, but now all I had were the boxes full of her things, mixed in with some of the junk I’d left behind many years ago. There was one box in particular, with a giant
X
on it, taunting me from across the room. I hadn’t looked at its contents in years.

Getting up and sitting on the hardwood floor, I pulled it over and stared at it. Why did I have problems opening it? It wasn’t like any of it mattered anymore. Opening the box, I reached in and pulled out the photographs.

“Kass?”

I jerked around and dropped the pictures on the floor, scattering them. Levi rushed over and knelt down to help me pick them up. His eyes went wide. “Holy shit, this was prom night.”

He showed me the picture of him and his date, standing beside me and Logan. My mother and I had found the most gorgeous midnight blue gown for me to wear. That was a good night; it also happened to be the night I lost my virginity. “Seems like such a long time ago,” I whispered.

His smile faded. “You’re not still hung up on what happened are you?”

I filtered through more pictures of me and Logan. “He hurt me, Levi. After his accident, he up and left us all.” He hadn’t just abandoned me; he left his friends behind too. No one had heard a word from him in years, not since I found out he had fully recovered and was back on his feet. I thought for sure he’d get back into racing, but he didn’t. I had no clue where he was, or what he was doing.

Levi put the pictures back into the box. “What do you want to do with these?”

I couldn’t stand to see Logan’s face, so I threw the pictures back inside. “Throw ‘em away, burn them. I don’t care. Just make sure I don’t ever see them again.”

Taking the box, he walked to the door and stopped. “I’m gonna head out to meet your dad at the garage. He wants me to test drive the new bike. You okay here?”

I nodded. “Go. Sean will be here to help me.”

“All right, I’ll see ya later.” He walked out and Sean came in, his concerned gaze meeting mine.

“What are you doing on the floor?”

I nodded at the boxes. “Looking at old memories. I guess we can load all this up in your truck and head to my house.”

He held out his hand to help me up. “We can do that. Afterward, you wanna get some dinner?” he offered.

“Sure. I just need to get changed when we get to my house.”

We loaded up all the boxes into the back of his truck and while he waited outside, I took one last stroll around the house. There were still crayon drawings inside my bedroom closet from when I was five. My mother never wanted to paint over them. She ended up drawing on the wall with me.

I had so many fond memories, but recently, all I could focus on were the bad ones. I remembered standing in the living room when my parents told me they were getting a divorce. It was one of the hardest moments in my life, especially when they gave me the choice to pick who I wanted to live with. I chose both and spent half my time with each of them; Madison did the same. The worst memory of all was watching my mom pass away in her bedroom. Her death wasn’t as peaceful as I’d hoped it would be. It wasn’t what she deserved. But she was in peace now, and that’s what I had to focus on.

Once I was done, I stopped on the front porch and locked the door.

“You sure you want to sell this place?” Sean asked.

I was prepared to say yes, but then I glanced at him over my shoulder, his concerned expression giving me pause. “I don’t know,” I answered honestly.

He walked up the steps and pulled me into his arms. “Then don’t make a decision now, Kass. Give your mother’s passing some time, then think about it.”

I nodded. “That might be best.” There was a part of me that didn’t want to let go, but the other part felt it’d make things easier if I did.

After dropping the boxes off at my house, we’d eaten lasagna at my favorite Italian place. It was a hole in the wall, but they had the best Italian food around. Now we were at the Ben & Jerry’s ice cream shop, the place I always found myself when I wanted to drown my sorrows. It was the same place Logan used to bring me when we were dating. For the past eight years, it had been mine, Sean, and Levi’s place.

We sat outside at one of the picnic tables, the wind blowing my hair into my face as I finished up the last of my strawberry cheesecake ice cream. It was probably one of the last cool, days of spring before the heat of summer took over.

Sean reached over and tucked my hair behind my ear. “Do you ever wonder what would’ve happened if our parents didn’t get married?”

I shrugged. “Sometimes. We had a good year together.”