Highland Resurrection (Blades of Honor Book 2) (9 page)

Upon sensing her uneasiness, he loosened his hold on her. “Take a breath,
leannan
, there is nothing to be afraid of.”

“I believe you,” she said on a breathy sigh, then visibly swallowed. “I never thought I would say this to you, to any man, but . . .” She began to speak, but her voice wavered and she glanced at the floor.

He caressed her shoulder. “What is it you’re trying to say? I hope you know that I would never do anything to harm you.”

“It is not you that I fear, Lazarus, but all men.” She planted her hands on his chest and tried to wriggle free. “I was a fool to think I could do this. I’m sorry. You must think I’m a horrible tease, and that what you have heard about me being a woman of ill repute is true.”

He released her and took a step back, giving her some space “Talk to me, Sheena. Tell my why it is so hard for you to trust me.”

She wrapped her arms around her middle, but refrained from looking at him. “I’m sure you will remember how when you first came to help me, I wanted nothing more than for you to leave. I all but threw you out on your ear.”

“How could I forget?” He held back a chuckle, certain she did not say what she did in jest.

“I guess I was pretty adamant. You must have thought me ungrateful, if not mad.” She smiled, easing the tension between them a little, but her eyes remained downcast.

“For a while now, I have been waging an inner battle.” She drew in a breath before she continued. “One against the growing attraction I’m feeling toward you, Lazarus. It isna something I expected or tried to foster. In truth, I have done everything in my power to fight it.”

Lazarus wanted to scoop her off her feet and carry her to the bed, to do whatever he had to prove he was worthy of her trust and affection, but held back. “Go on, Sheena. I want to hear what you have to say.”

“All the men I have known are selfish, womanizing brutes, who only cared about getting a lass beneath the pelts and having his way with her, whether she consented or not. Or men like my da who believed women were only good for two things, breeding and waiting on them hand and foot.”

Lazarus thumped his fist against his chest. “It wounds me deeply to think that you’d believe I could ever be like those deplorable beasts. I detest men who mistreat a woman or dinna show them anything but the utmost respect. A woman’s love and body are a gift, temples to be worshiped and cherished.”

Lazarus spoke with such sincerity and conviction, she wrapped her arms around his neck and drew him close. “Nay. You’re like no one I have ever met,” she whispered in his ear, then eased back and peered up at him through tear-filled eyes.

He stroked his knuckles along her cheek. “Not all men are cruel, Sheena. Some actually appreciate a woman’s strengths and qualities as much, if not more than their physical attributes.”

“Have you had many lovers?” Sheena felt compelled to ask. A handsome, virile man like Lazarus must have had many conquests. Were she to surrender to temptation, would she be another he could add to his list?

Lazarus shook his head. “Nay. You would have been my first.”

Sheena gasped. “You have never bedded a woman?” She found it hard to believe. However, given what she knew about his upbringing in the monastery and the years he spent traveling in Europe on a mission for the Church, it did make some sense and might even be possible. Knowing this about him made Lazarus even more intriguing and appealing.

Lazarus shrugged. “The opportunity never presented itself. Perhaps I had not met a woman I wanted to share my bed with, until now.”

He was opening up to her, telling her his most intimate secrets, things most men would never admit to a woman. How could she turn him away? But while the idea of making love with Lazarus was tempting, she was not certain she was ready.

“I want so desperately to believe I can trust you. I’ve been alone for so long and hoped maybe we could try to . . .”

He didn’t wait for her to finish. Instead, he folded her hands between his own, and brought them to his lips, kissing her fingertips. “I find myself very attracted to you, Sheena, but would never want you to do anything against your will or dinna desire wholeheartedly. I respect and care about you too much to ever hurt you like that.”

When she didn’t pull away, he released her hands and gently cupped her chin, prompting her to look at him. His eyes were dark with passion, but she felt no fear. She pressed her breasts against his muscular chest and for a moment, she felt her own heart beating in unison with his. Maybe he was different from all the men she’d known.

“You can trust me, Sheena, when I say I would never mistreat you.” He slid his arms around her waist, and when she didn’t pull away, he dipped his head and captured her lips.

At first, he gently moved his mouth over hers, allowing her time to get used to the feel and taste of his passion. His kiss was chaste, but it grew in intensity when her lips parted, welcoming his sweet invasion. She detected a hit of mint and fennel on his breath. And she gasped with delight, when he swept his tongue across hers for the first time, a surge of desire shooting straight to her core.

Her entire body was alive with sensations she’d never felt before. But then again, everything she was experiencing at this moment with Lazarus was revelation. She’d heard women talk about what it was like to be with a lover, but she never dreamed she would ever experience it for herself. This was the first time she’d ever been kissed or touched by a man she cared about. Until now, she’d never willingly allowed anyone to get close enough to try. Not after her horrible encounter with Roderick. And when Lazarus broke the kiss, and raised his head, a sense of loss and emptiness washed over her.

Lazarus gazed into her eyes. “You’re so beautiful, Sheena,” he rasped, then playfully kissed the tip of her nose.

Heat rose in her cheeks and she turned away. “I’m far from beautiful.” She brought her hand up to cover the scar on her chin, but he caught it and brought it to his lips.

“Believe me when I say you’re so lovely that you take my breath away. Both inside and out,” he murmured against her palm. “Lay with me, Sheena.”

A sudden chill ran up her spine and she pulled away. “I canna. This is all so sudden and I need time to—”

He brought two fingers to her lips. “You can relax. I dinna want anything more than to hold you in my arms, Sheena. You have my word that nothing will transpire between us that you dinna wish to happen.” Before she could protest, he lifted her, carefully placed her on the bed, then glanced at Quinn. “Besides, the lad is sleeping only a few feet away from us.”

“Quinn slumbers so soundly, nothing will wake him.” She patted the bed beside her and smiled. “I want you to hold me.”

He quickly joined her, then tugged her into his embrace. “Sleep, Sheena.” He brushed a wisp of hair from her brow, replacing it with a kiss.

Sheena snuggled against his chest, her head resting on his shoulder. She never believed that being held by a man could feel this wonderful. Or that she’d ever find the courage to try. But more than anything, she was grateful for Lazarus’s patience and understanding.

She’d come very close to joining with Lazarus this night, and part of her regretted letting the opportunity slip by. But she hoped the day would come when she’d trust him enough to make that sort of commitment. She prayed that in time, she would feel comfortable enough to take their relationship one step further. Perhaps she would even trust him enough to share the secret she’d kept for so long. She planned to give him every opportunity to prove his sincerity. But tonight, she would rest easy, knowing he was close and she was safe.

Chapter 11

Lazarus gazed down at Sheena, captivated by the sight of her snuggly tucked in the crook of his arm. He’d stayed up all night watching her sleep, marveling at her beauty and committing every detail of her face and slender body to memory. He found himself mesmerized by the sound of the slow, even breathing that accompanied the gentle rise and fall of her pert round breasts—a thin piece of cotton the only thing separating him from what he imagined were dark rosy peeks, aching to be suckled.

He lifted a lock of her tawny hair and brought it to his nose, inhaling deeply, the scent of lavender and heather more intoxicating than any spirit. He lightly touched her arm, her skin even softer than he’d imagined. Then he closed his eyes, imaging her laying naked beside him, their limbs entwined, their bodies so close it would be hard to tell where one ended and the other began.

Lazarus often wondered what it would be like to make love to a woman. He had the same primal urges and as any man, but his circumstances never allowed him to act upon his desires. So he’d learned at a very young age to control his emotions and to tame his carnal needs.

At the abbey, he had no real contact with women to speak of, so temptation was limited. When still a lad, he questioned Simon regarding his growing curiosity about the lassies, lustful dreams, and waking up aroused. He was told to busy himself by reading the Bible. Simon assured him that with pure thoughts, prayer, and faith in God, these lascivious feelings would pass.

While serving as a knight in the Holy Land, he’d taken a vow of celibacy. And after his torture in the French prison, he was not certain he could perform as a man was intended. Staying alive and avoiding capture were his only thoughts, forming a bond and bedding a woman the farthest things from his mind.

When in France with Marie, they’d shared a mutual fondness and respect for each other, but their relationship never went beyond friendship. She was at least ten summers his senior and while she was an attractive woman, he felt no intimate connection between them.

Yet with Sheena, there was an undeniable, almost tangible attraction he found impossible to ignore. He could not get her off of his mind and being near her awakened a longing he’d fought so hard to keep buried.

From the very first minute he laid eyes upon her, something in his gut told him there was reason God saw fit to bring them together. He couldn’t put his finger on it, but Sheena was the first woman he wanted to bed. And he feared once he’d tasted the forbidden fruit, he’d crave it always.

They’d talked and cuddled until the wee hours of the morning, when Sheena finally nodded off. He not be surprised if she slept until noon. But he refused to sleep, cherishing what little time they had together and wishing the night could go on forever.

But with the dawn came the realization that what they shared would not likely be repeated. And while he’d longed to bed her, making her his own, it wasn’t meant to be. He was glad he’d found the strength to resist temptation. He had no right to claim her body without first disclosing the details of his past and the fact he was a wanted man. Something he wasn’t prepared to do.

He thought about Marie, unable to shake the fear that history about to repeat itself. Even though this situation was different, it was similar in many ways.

He reminded himself that they were Scotland not in France. King Phillip’s soldiers had warned Marie—while he was still hiding beneath her hut—that if she was harboring a fugitive and did not turn him over immediately, she would be charged with treason. Instead, she chose to protect him. Had he known she’d been arrested, he’d have turned himself in. So far no one had linked him and Sheena to each other and he hoped to keep it that way.

Marie knew everything about his past and it had gotten her killed. Sheena knew nothing about his association with the Knights Templar or that he was being hunted by the French crown. She was not a subject of King Philip or obligated to abide by his decrees. But he was still not willing to risk her safety or that of her brother.

The idea of losing Sheena and Quinn was like being condemned to a life in purgatory, a world without sunshine. Yet Lazarus had to put them above his own needs and desires.

He gently rolled her to his side, being careful not to wake her, then covered her with a pelt. After climbing off of the pallet, he quickly grabbed his trews and tugged them on, followed by his tunic. First he’d dress, then he’d decide how best to leave without hurting her. Not that he believed for one moment that would be possible, and he despised himself for his weakness. He should have left sooner and he prayed she’d understand.

“Where are you going?” Sheena languorously stretched, then propped herself up on one elbow and patted the pallet beside her. “It is still early. The sun willna be up for a while yet. Come back to bed.”

“I canna. I must return to the priory.”

“Now?” Sheena narrowed her gaze and peered up at him, a look of utter confusion crossing her face. “I dinna understand.”

“Simon was right. I dinna belong here, and my presence could put you and Quinn in jeopardy.”

She sat up and clutched the pelt beneath her chin. “What has Brother Simon got to do with this? It has been a fortnight or better since his visit and you decided to stay. If Quinn and I were in danger, why did you na tell me sooner? Why did you say there was naught to worry about?”

“It is a very long story,
ma gaol
. I dinna set out to hurt you. But there are things about my past that you’re better off knowing nothing about. I’m sorry if you feel betrayed.” Lazarus pulled on his boots.

“How should I feel?” she snapped. “You pretended to care about me, convinced me to let my guard down, made me think you could be trusted, and now reveal it was all a lie. You plan to cast me aside.” She didn’t bother to hide the anger in her tone. “How could you treat me this way?”

He brought a finger to his lips and nodded toward Quinn. “Shhh, you will wake the lad.”

“Tell me, Lazarus. I have the right to know.” Anger flashed in her eyes. “I dinna care if Quinn wakes up. Perhaps he should know the kind of man you are,” she replied, her mouth drawn in a tight line.

“We may have shared your bed, but we never joined. I care very much for you and Quinn. And what I told you last night is true. I have nothing but the utmost respect and regard for you. I never believed you were a whore and never will.” Lazarus raked his fingers through his hair. His attempt to smooth things over was clearly making matters worse.

“Then why do you treat me like one now?” Tears streamed down her cheeks.

It broke his heart to know he was the cause of her pain and anguish. If only he’d been stronger and left sooner. “It is not you, Sheena. You are an amazing woman and I’m humbled to think you would even cast me a second glance. But there are things you dinna know. I was—”

He bit his lower lip, stifling the urge to tell her everything about his past. By leaving, he sought to protect them, not hurt them. If she were ever questioned, she could honestly say with a clear conscience that she knew nothing about him, aside from the fact he was a monk who took care of her when she was ill.

“I’m na making excuses for my actions. But trust me, the less you know about my past, the better off you will be.”

“Trust! Dinna speak to me about trust. I’m just thankful I dinna fall for your ruse. When were you planning to tell me? After you’d gotten what you wanted?”

He hung his head. “I had planned to tell you last night that I was leaving. But when I returned to find you standing by the fire, looking so beautiful, I got lost in the moment, in your eyes, your delicate scent, and was captivated by you in more ways than I can explain. I—”

“Spare me your patronizing word,” Sheena spat. “It is very clear that you used me and when you dinna get the tumble you’d hoped for, were ready to slink away like a thief in the night. I thought you were different, special, but I should have known better than to think I could trust you. To trust any man.”

His chest constricted, her harsh words cutting through him like a blade. But what more could he expect of her? It was obvious she’d suffered humiliation in the past and harbored secrets of her own. He wished he could make her understand she was wrong and that he truly cared for her more than his own safety, more than life itself.

“If things were different, no one could drag me from your side.” He reached out to stroke her cheek, but she turned away. “Sheena, please, I’m sorry you feel this way. I wish I could tell you what is happening and why.”

“Get out, Lazarus.” She squared her shoulders, glowering up at him with such contempt it made the hair on his neck stand on end.

“Sheena, please, just listen to what I have to say.”

“I dinna want to hear any more. I wish you had never darkened our doorstep. Go back to your abbey and forget you ever knew us.”

He saw no reason for dragging this out any further. Nothing he said would help, and he honestly believed the less she knew about his past, the better. Perhaps it was for the best. If she focused her hatred on him, she would not blame herself. “If you need anything at all, please dinna hesitate to send word to me.”

“Go. Now!” Sheena pointed to the door.

“As you wish.” He bowed and exited the croft, closing the door softly behind him.

“What’s happening?” Quinn scrubbed his balled fist across his eyes and yawned. “Were you and Brother Lazarus fighting?”

“It is still early. Go back to sleep.” Sheena caught tears with the back of her hand as they tracked down her cheeks. Still shocked by what had transpired, the last thing she wanted to do was explain to Quinn. Telling him the morning that Lazarus was gone and never coming back was soon enough.

“But I heard you shouting at him. Where is he?” Quinn badgered. “Why are you crying?”

Sheena sucked in a ragged breath before she continued. “You need not trouble yourself about what is happening between me and Lazarus.”

“Did you send him away? I liked having him here. We were starting to feel like a family.”

“You must stop saying that,” Sheena said, a little more harshly than she intended. “You knew he was only here for a short time and eventually would have to leave. Monks dinna have families.”

Quinn pouted. “I hoped he would decide to stay.”

“Well, he has finally gone back to the abbey where he belongs. And it is about time. I say good riddance,” she lied. Knowing he was gone was tearing her apart.

“Why did he leave without saying goodbye?” Quinn asked. “I thought he was my friend.”

A dove cooing in a tree behind the croft interrupted their conversation. Sheena pulled herself to a shaky stance, then using the walking stick Lazarus made for her, she hobbled to the window and pushed open the shutters. It was later than she thought. While the sun had yet to fully rise, she noticed the orange hue on the horizon, heralding a new day. But for her, it was a day she would not remember fondly.

Sheena drew in her head and faced Quinn. “The sun will soon be up. Are you hungry? I could make some oatcakes.”

“Nay. I dinna want any. I like the way Lazarus makes them. He sprinkles a wee bit of sugar on top after they bake.”

“Well Lazarus is no longer here and best you get used to that fact. If you’re na hungry, fine. But I’ll have no more backtalk from you.”

Quinn got up, then raced toward the door. “I am going after him. Maybe I can convince Brother Lazarus to come back.”

“Dinna dare leave this hut,” Sheena shouted. “And stop this nonsense at once. He is gone, and that is all there is to it.”

“Nay! I have to try. I just hope it is not too late.” Quinn yanked open the door and ran into a soldier blocking the way.

“
Bonjour, Madame
.” The man entered the croft without being invited and began searching the room.

Sheena made her way to where Quinn was standing and shoved him behind her before addressing the soldier. “What is the meaning of this intrusion? I must insist you leave at once.”

A second soldier entered the croft, followed by a priest. “I am Father Marquis, the new monsieur in the area and I have some questions I would like to ask you.”

Sheena glared back at him. “It is not even sunup. There canna possibly be a reason for you invading my home at this ungodly hour. I havena been a parishioner in the Catholic Church for many years, so I ask that you leave at once.”

“This has nothing to do with the church. We are looking for fugitives who escaped from a prison in France. Dangerous men who will kill, rape, and steal at a moment’s notice and show no remorse.”

Sheena studied the men, weighing her answer carefully. “Why would the French government send a priest to apprehend these cutthroats? Besides which, we are in Scotland, not France.” Her heart began to pound. Was this why Lazarus was so evasive and refused to tell her his secret?

“By what authority do you search for these men on Scottish soil?” she asked. “And what makes you think you will find them here?”

“To answer your first question, the men we seek may be posing as monks or priests, and I have been commissioned by His Majesty, King Philip of France, to oversee the search and apprehension of these men. We have the permission of your King Robert the Bruce to take any known criminals back to France with us should we locate them.”

“I find it hard to believe King Robert would condone this,” Sheena snapped.

“By apprehending these blackguards, we are protecting women and children, like yourselves,” Father Marquis said.

Quinn poked his head out from behind Sheena’s back. “And what will happen to them if and when you find them?”

“They will be arrested and taken back to France. There, they will be tried and executed,” Father Marquis said bluntly. “In fact, several of the men we seek were already slated for execution when they escaped.”

Sheena glanced around the room, shrugged, then held her hands in the air. “As you can see, there are no men of that description here. Any men for that matter. I would ask that you leave at once.”