Hillbilly Heart (36 page)

I could tell they came to me out of pure love, not anger or a wish to hurt their mom. They were trying to figure out answers, too.

I had a million thoughts about what was going on… more than I could make sense of… more than I could handle… I kept going back to the word
why
. It wasn’t just a word… it was a question… Why? This time, though, I came up with an answer that gave me the strength my kids must have had when they approached me. It was what my dad had told me back when he and my mom were getting a divorce. Life ain’t fair.

Life. Ain’t. Fair. Well said, Dad.

It was time to stand up for myself, something that didn’t come easy to me. I called my attorney.

“Have you ever been around a powder keg after the fuse has been lit?” I asked him.

“No,” he said. “What are you talking about?”

“Get ready for an explosion,” I said.

It took him a few days to draw up the divorce papers. On October 27, he came out to the house so we could go over the documents
and make sure everything was accurate before he pulled the trigger.

That evening, just before sundown, I walked with my dogs down to the gate to let him in. I was nervous as hell. I could feel another storm blowing in. Moments before he showed up, I heard tires squeal. I looked up just in time to see a beautiful deer jump out of the cornfield in front of the car. Then BAM! The deer was killed instantly. Blood was everywhere. I took it as a sign.

CHAPTER 32

“Change My Mind”

A
SK ME THE DEFINITION
of insanity now and I will tell you it’s me being hunkered down in a teepee on top of Spirit Mountain, with a fire going, while helicopters full of paparazzi circled in the sky above and more photographers and reporters hid their cars and vans in the cornfield in front of my gate. It was early November, less than a week after I’d filed the divorce papers, and it appeared I was under attack.

I remember leaning back and looking at my dogs, Tex and Fluke. They stared back at me with looks on their faces that seemed to say, “You really stepped in it this time.”

They were right. I had done what no one, including me, expected. The powder keg had exploded. My dad always said, “The more you stomp in shit… the more it stinks.” Right again. A dark cloud descended over the Cyrus family. We went into shock and were overwhelmed by an onslaught of pain, confusion, second thoughts, regret, anger, and sadness.

Despite all the advantages, adventures, and blessings in my life, I rediscovered a fact I knew all too well: people are just people, and heartbreak is an equal-opportunity pain. It don’t care if you’re famous, live on a big farm, or parent one of the world’s most famous kids. And that’s the way it was through November.

It was my darkest hour. I felt sick 24 / 7. I didn’t eat. The painkillers couldn’t ease the pain, and the sleeping pills couldn’t put me to sleep. I didn’t want to talk to anyone. I stalked the woods, built fires, and stared into space, thinking about what I could have done differently as a parent and a husband.

On November 23, Miley celebrated her eighteenth birthday at a bar in Los Angeles. Days later, a video of her with a bong appeared on the Internet, and within seconds it appeared at the top of every celebrity website and blog in the world.

Miley proclaimed her innocence. She said she had been smoking salvia, a legal herb in California. Publicly and privately, it upset everyone involved, from Miley to us, her parents. The folks at Disney were incensed. It didn’t matter whether the video was stolen from a friend’s phone or whether it was the stupidity of teenagers pressing
SEND
before they thought of the ramifications. We had to do something. But I felt helpless.

I chose to step out front, and go on offense. I took to Twitter, my first mistake. “Sorry, guys. I had no idea,” I tweeted. “Just saw this stuff for the first time myself. I’m so sad.” Then, just because I wanted to get my side out, I added, “There is much beyond my control right now.”

I felt bad for Miley, but I felt even worse for all those kids who looked up to her and loved her so much. I knew their hearts were broken, as was mine. Everyone got hurt. Once again, it was a bloodbath of emotion. But quite frankly, I do realize also that I’d done some things when I was her age. If I’d been famous and the Internet had existed, I probably would have gone to prison, and possibly still be there.

In the midst of that despair, I let a reporter from
GQ
magazine come to the house. Mistake number two. It was a bad idea perfectly executed. Let me explain: A new album was supposed to come out; it didn’t. But by then, I ended up giving a very bleak and damaging interview. In short, I blamed Disney and
Hannah Montana
for ruining my family. I didn’t mean it. Nor did I realize what I was
saying at the time. But by the time that article appeared, it was too late.

And I still had to get through the holidays. My brother and my mom visited me at the house. Otherwise I spent them with my attorney, my accountant, and my dogs. At one point, I buried my head in my hands and muttered, “This is not how the story goes.”

In short, I wanted the family to heal. I wanted the hurt to stop.

Here’s the reality: I could have walked away from the marriage and everyone would have been fine—fine in terms of having enough money to live, eat, and continue life comfortably. But I was from a broken home, and that was not what I wanted for my children or my family. That’s not what daddies do.

Daddies stay by your side. They shelter you from the storm. They ease your pain. They don’t give up on their family.

If I had learned anything from my years of studying the habits and philosophies of successful people, it was this: every goal, every dream, begins with desire. After that, it’s about taking the steps to make that desire a reality. I knew that every monumental task begins with a first step. For us, it was a phone call, then a talk, then Tish told me a story she’d read about redemption. As I broke that word down, something about its root,
redeem,
stuck in my head and rang true in my heart. I wanted to put the family back together, and I wanted us to heal.

In January 2011, Tish and I went to a movie near our home in Toluca Lake. Brandi and Braison joined us. We didn’t care if we were spotted out together, which we were. We ignored the circus. We were patching things up and in that place couples go where walls can crumble all around and you don’t notice. In early March, Tish went on Facebook and posted a bunch of family photos, including one of us in a passionate embrace. I loved it. The shot could have been taken ten years earlier. In fact, it had been taken only a few days before. Our feelings for each other were deep and strong. I was so gratified we hadn’t given up.

The truth is always in front of us provided we open our eyes, and so it was with me. “All this time I was chasing after dreams,” I had sung on the song “Back to Tennessee.” “It was right in front of me. I was lost without her.”

The next day I began what my manager Stuart Dill referred to as the Apology Tour. The
GQ
story had come out and I needed to make amends for the statements I’d made about Disney in print. We met at Stuart’s office. I situated myself behind his desk. One by one, he dialed studio executives and I explained that I had spoken without thinking during a difficult time for me. I made it clear I was proud of
Hannah Montana
and grateful for all the opportunities it had provided my family. I was there for quite a while.

My mood was good and confident a few days later when I appeared on
The View.
I was in New York City, promoting my latest album,
I’m American.
It was finally available five months after its original release date. I performed my single “Runway Lights,” as arranged, but I had a surprise for Whoopi Goldberg, Joy Behar, and the others during the question-and-answer segment on the couch.

Knowing they were going to address my recent troubles, I decided to play offense instead of defense. When they brought up my marriage, I revealed that I’d withdrawn my divorce papers. It was the first anyone outside of my immediate family heard that news, and I could see the surprise on their faces. I think Joy said, “Really?” and I confirmed it with a nod of my head.

“I’m not divorced,” I said. “I dropped the divorce. I wanted to put my family back together.”

What viewers couldn’t see was the executive producer’s jaw drop. As the ladies kept up conversation, he sprinted backstage to where my manager was watching and asked if I’d really withdrawn the papers. Stuart said he was hearing the news for the first time, too. The producer raced back to the stage and instructed his hosts to keep asking me questions. It was great TV for them. For me, once again, my life was playing out on the world stage.

I covered my relationship with Tish and the family (“the best it’s
ever been”), Miley (“we’re the daddy and daughter we were before
Hannah Montana
”), and fatherhood (“I wish there was a manual on how to be the perfect dad. I think what’s obvious is if there is, I didn’t read it”). Tish offered her support on Facebook. “Hope everyone got to see Billy Ray on
The View
today,” she wrote.

“Big thanks to all of our family, friends, and fans who have kept us in their thoughts and prayers,” she added. “Our family weathered a huge storm and I feel we are stronger than we have ever been!”

I felt the same way. I learned that the most meaningful things in life are the ones you have to work the hardest for. I had always known that. I knew life was about sacrifice. And that night, in my room at the Trump Soho, in New York City, I wrote the song that says it all for me, “That’s What Daddies Do.”

I was just a young boy

The day I learned to ride my bike

I asked daddy are you sure if you let go

I’m gonna be alright

He said trust yourself my boy

Keep your faith and know that dreams can still come true

And know I’m her to catch your fall

’Cause that’s what daddy’s do

That’s what daddy’s do

They shield you from the rain

Shelter in the storm

There to ease your pain

Wherever you may roam

What you’re going through

Know I’m by your side

’Cause that’s what daddy’s do

Now that I’m a grown man

With my own family

Pictures of my daddy on the wall

Of that fade memories

I can still see him standing there

The day he read the doctor’s news

Though he tried to hide his pain

He smiled and said, Son that’s what daddy’s do

That’s what daddy’s do

They shield you from the rain

Shelter in the storm

There to ease your pain

Wherever you may roam

What you’re going through

Know I’m by your side

’Cause that’s what daddy’s do

Yeah, know I’m by your side

’Cause that’s what daddy’s do

CHAPTER 33

Hillbilly Heart

L
IKE EVERYONE ELSE, MY
life is a work in progress. All of us have problems. None of us know all the answers. We try to fit the pieces together, if we can even find those pieces. Good or bad, it’s always something. With me, I try not to be my own biggest obstacle. I’m at my best when I think less about how I’m doing and focus instead on my original mission, using my music to share God’s light and love.