Hip Check (New York Blades) (19 page)

26

Spooning with Esa
in his sumptuous king-sized bed in the afterglow, Michelle wondered what it would be like to spend the entire night with him. It was impossible, of course, because of Nell, and because—well, it just was.

Thinking back on their lovemaking threatened to arouse Michelle all over again, which embarrassed her. She couldn’t believe how shameless she’d been with him. She’d shocked herself. Perhaps deep down, she wanted to show him she wasn’t some buttoned-down prude. But more likely, it was the knowledge that this was her one chance to go for it with this incredibly sexy man as they finally chose to sate the sexual tension between them. Now they could get on with their lives.

Every time Michelle found herself drifting off, she’d force herself awake. Finally, she reached behind her, giving his thigh a gentle shake. “Esa? We—”

Esa’s hand tightened around her waist as he kissed her shoulder. “Not yet, Michelle,” he requested in a weary voice. “Let’s just try to enjoy this for a couple of minutes more.”

Michelle felt stung as she glanced back over her shoulder at him. “What are you talking about?”

“C’mon. You know what I’m talking about,” he said gently. “You want to discuss what just happened. You’re going to say it was a mistake, and then you’re going to tell me it can never happen again. All I’m asking for is that we relax for a few minutes more before we go through this song and dance again.”

“‘Go through this song and dance’?”

Offended, Michelle sat up, drawing the sheet to her chest, trying to ignore how gorgeous he looked right now, his thick black hair all askew, his gaze drowsy. It seemed unfair that someone so striking should be such a jerk.

Esa groaned, propping himself up on one elbow as he rested his head in the palm of his hand. “I’m sorry. That was a bad choice of words. But you know I’m right: you’re going to tell me this was a mistake.”

“Am I that predictable?”

“In a word, yes.”

Michelle gave him a dirty look. “I don’t think it was a mistake,” she said carefully. “I think it was an itch we both needed to scratch. And now that it has—”

“It can never happen again. Right?”

Michelle’s mouth fell open in indignation. “You’re such a jerk!”

“Tell me what you were going to say, then.”

“What I was going to say was . . .” Words began tangling in her mouth as she began growing flustered. “. . . is that you—okay
maybe
I was going to say something along those lines.”

Esa laughed.

“You seem to forget there’s a little girl living in the house.”

“I haven’t forgotten that at all, actually.”

Michelle was confused. “What are you saying?”

“I see no reason why it can’t happen again, and I see no reason why, if it does, Nell can’t know.”

Michelle stared at him like he was crazy. “Are you
kidding
me?”

Esa rolled onto his back with a sigh. “Go on. Explain it all to me. I’m all ears.”

“Let’s say it did happen again. You don’t think it would confuse the hell out of Nell? She’s already got this fantasy about the three of us being a family. I don’t think her knowing we’re sleeping together, if we ever do sleep together again, would be healthy. It would give her unrealistic expectations, and that’s not fair. And, as I told you in an earlier conversation, I don’t want to send her the message that sleeping with your boss is okay.”

Esa rubbed his hands over his face. “Okay, so we’ll hide it from her.”

“Esa.” Michelle was growing frustrated. “Do you really think this is going to happen again? Seriously?”

“Do you really think it’s not?” he countered. “We’re attracted to each other. We live under the same roof. What do you think?”

Michelle was silent.

“Ah.” A look of satisfaction overtook his face. “Miss Rational finally admits defeat.”

Michelle searched hard for the right words. “I really need to think about this. I don’t usually do this sort of thing, you know.”

Esa looked unfazed as he reached out, lazily running his index finger back and forth across her knee. “It wouldn’t matter to me if you had. We enjoyed each other. That’s all that counts.”

“Even so, it’s important to me that you know I’m not some kind of slut, like you. Which is another reason that I’m not really sure about all this, especially the part about it happening again.”

Esa looked flirtatious as he laced his fingers behind his head. “You’re saying you don’t want to share me, is that it?”

Egotistical bastard.
“No, that’s not what I’m saying at all.” Michelle paused. “I guess what I’m saying is I don’t want to be in a relationship with you.”

“I don’t want a relationship with you, either,” Esa quickly retorted. “So what’s the problem?”

“
Nell
,” Michelle hurled back, trying to ignore the sting of his words. “If we’re not in a relationship, it doesn’t look very good to just be fuck buddies, does it?”

“No, I suppose it doesn’t,” Esa grumbled.

Selfish jerk, Michelle thought again. “The other reason I’m reluctant to let this happen again is that I have no desire to become your in-house concubine. The thought is demeaning.”

“I don’t have concubines.”

“Your ever-changing gallery of women, whatever you want to call it,” Michelle said testily.

Esa ran his thumb back and forth across his lower lip thoughtfully. “I guess I can understand that.”

“Good.”

Esa eyed her quizzically. “So—?”

“So—?”

“Let me make sure I’m getting things straight.” He looked at her pointedly. “We’re not going to rule out the fact it might happen again, even though, according to you, that’s highly doubtful,” he said dubiously.

Michelle felt like the tangled vines of her own words were twisting around. “Right.”

“And we don’t want a relationship with one another.”

“God, no.”

“And it’s not going to be a ‘thing.’”

“Right.”

“So basically, what we’re doing is just going back to the way things were: coexisting in a state of sexual tension.”

“You sound like an attorney with a Finnish accent laying out a case.”

“That’s kind of how I feel, Michelle.”

“I . . .” Michelle suddenly felt like her mind was trapped in a revolving door, going round and round. The way Esa just laid it all out did make it sound, in a way, like she wanted to pretend it never happened.

“I told you: I’m just confused,” she admitted, touching his face.

Esa’s look softened. “I know.”

“I want to do the right thing by Nell.” And I also stepped over a big line here in terms of professional conduct, Michelle thought to herself.

“How about this.” Esa sat up, putting his arm around her shoulder. Michelle loved his scent: sex and sweat and man. “We just go with the flow. See what happens.”

Michelle hesitated. “All right,” she said, even though she wasn’t a “go with the flow” person.

“It’s settled, then.” Esa closed his eyes with a sigh, his head leaning back against the headboard. “This is nice. Peaceful.”

Michelle lifted her head to look at him. With his eyes closed, he actually looked vulnerable. “It’s not peaceful with the others?”

“Not really,” said Esa. It was clear he wasn’t going to supply her with details.

She brushed a stray lock of hair behind his ear. “I should go.”

Esa opened his eyes, picking up his watch from his night table. “It’s not even midnight yet. You could set an alarm to make sure you’re up before Nell.”

“I know.” Michelle suddenly felt awkward. “I’d just feel better if I were back in my own bed. I’m a light sleeper, and sometimes, when Nell gets up in the middle of the night to pee or get a glass of water, she peeks in on me to make sure I’m there. She needs to know I’m there, Esa.”

He kissed the top of her head, then turned her face toward his. “I think I told you this already, but just in case I forgot, in the heat of the moment, you’re very beautiful.”

A lump formed in Michelle’s throat. “Well, so are you.”

“When a man compliments you, you should say ‘Thank you.’”

“Thank you,” Michelle forced herself to whisper. Her heart desperately wanted to believe he’d never said this to anyone else. But she wasn’t a fool: he probably said it to every woman he’d ever slept with. The only difference was, the others were beautiful and knew it.

He kissed her, with concentration, with tenderness. “Thank you,” he murmured when he pulled away. “For a wonderful day and night.”

“My pleasure.”

Harsh reality intruded as Michelle slid out of bed and began collecting her clothing. “You have practice early tomorrow morning, right?”

“Yes, but I’m back by ten, and then you have the day and night off?”

Michelle nodded. “Don’t forget to set out Nell’s uniform tomorrow night before school Monday. And—”

“Michelle.”

“I know, I know.” When in doubt, deflect. She came around to his side of the bed and kissed him. “Sleep well.”

“You, too.”

“Minx,” he added sexily as she headed for the bedroom door.

Heat trilled through Michelle’s body as she headed quietly to her private bathroom, her clothing a bundle in her arms. It might wake Nell up if she ran a bath. She was better off taking a quick shower. Maybe the hot, steamy water beating down on her would make her drowsy, and she’d fall asleep fast. That way, she’d be able to put off going over their encounter until tomorrow. She doubted it, though. Her good-girl brain had already kicked into high gear, demanding she answer one simple question: what the hell have you done?

27

Strapping himself into
his seat for the flight out to L.A., Esa started thinking about Michelle. Again.

The team was on an extended road trip. Up until now, he’d been a big fan of road trips: there was always a new selection of gorgeous women to sleep with. The next morning, he was on his way and didn’t have to worry about seeing them again. The only thing he had to give any serious thought to was playing. Yet here he was, the team’s charter pulling away from the gate, and he couldn’t stop thinking about Michelle.

It had been three nights since they’d slept together. She’d been different than he’d expected, which maybe wasn’t fair. He didn’t think she’d be uptight, but he wasn’t expecting a “fuck me hard” type, either. Just thinking about that nearly gave him a hard-on. The shock only added to the pleasure of finally having her.

Did that make him sound like a pig? She’d agreed the tension between them had been growing. It was unavoidable. So it wasn’t like he’d used her, or objectified her. It was like . . . something.

He glanced over at Ulfie, who was already asleep. Esa was glad: he really wasn’t in the mood to talk right now. He had no doubt that when Ulfie woke up, somewhere over the Midwest, he’d be unable to avoid conversation. His own ruminations about his personal life would have run the course by then. Not that he’d discuss this latest development with Torkelson.

Sex with Michelle felt different. He’d slept with lots of women in his life. Apart from playing hockey, what on earth was better than sex? Nothing. But with Michelle it felt like more than two bodies colliding. Not all the sexual encounters he’d had over the years were one-night stands; he’d had a string of serious girlfriends, even a fiancée or two mixed in the bunch. But even during the encounters that had an emotional component to them, he felt that he was outside himself, watching.

It was a detachment thing. An ego thing. He’d find himself thinking,
I’m going to show this woman how great I am in bed. I want to watch her come because it’ll confirm my own prowess to me
. He always made sure his partners had a good time, but not because that’s what lovers did for one another. He did it because he wanted them to tell him how great he was afterward. And they always did.

But he was in his body the entire time he was with Michelle. He was aware of every sensation she triggered in his body. He’d wanted to please her: not for the usual reasons, but because giving her pleasure made him happy. He closed his eyes as the wheels of the plane started rolling faster down the tarmac.

What the fuck was wrong with him?

* * *

The screams were
piercing enough to jolt Michelle from a heavy sleep it had taken hours to achieve. It took a few heart pounding, disorientating seconds before she realized they were coming from Nell.

Michelle flew into Nell’s room, the serene, pearl glow of the nightlight guiding her to Nell’s bed where she sat and gently shook her out of her nightmare. Nell’s eyes jolted open with a gasp; she, too, took a few seconds to figure out her bearings. Then she began to cry.

“Uncle Esa’s dead!” she wailed.

“He’s fine, honey. It was just a nightmare.” Michelle gathered Nell up in her arms, rocking her. “It was just a bad dream.”

“He died in a plane crash like mummy,” Nell sobbed. “Mummy died after she’d been away for three days and Uncle Esa’s been away for three days and he’s on a plane and now . . .”

Michelle hugged her harder. “It was a nightmare, Nell. Just because your mom died after being away for three days doesn’t mean the same thing is going to happen to your uncle.”

Michelle continued rocking her. She’d had a bad feeling this might happen. Nell had been anxious when the team had flown south for a few days, but she’d dealt with it. But this was different. For her, a week was a very long time for Esa to be away, and so far away, too.

Nell looked up at her with a tearstained face, her lower lip quivering. “What if the plane he takes back home crashes?”

“It won’t, honey.” Michelle picked up Nell’s iPhone from the night table and checked the time: three a.m., which meant it was midnight in California. “Would you like to call him?”

“He’s probably sleeping.”

“That’s okay. I’m sure he won’t mind. The last thing in the world he’d ever want is for you to be upset and worried.”

“But we text.”

Michelle smiled sadly. “I know.” Esa was so awful and awkward on the phone that texting had proved to be the best way for him and Nell to communicate when they were apart. However, in this case, there was no way it would suffice.

“I don’t know,” coaxed Michelle, “I have the feeling you might feel a million times better if you heard his voice.”

“No, I’m all right now,” Nell insisted after a long pause. My ass, Michelle thought. It broke her heart sometimes, the way Nell sometimes denied she was a little girl and instead acted like a little adult who had to be strong. Maybe it was the way she was raised, or a way of protecting herself; a survival tactic she’d learned in the year after her mom’s death. “Nell.” Michelle wiped away the wetness on her cheeks. “It’s all right to need reassurance after a nightmare like that, especially from your uncle.”

“I don’t want him to think I’m a baby,” Nell said quietly.

“He would
never
think that. Ever.” Michelle picked up the phone. “Let’s call him.”

Nell shook her head no. “I’m okay.”

“You’re sure?”

“Yes.”

Michelle put the phone down. “All right.” She kissed Nell’s forehead. “Can I get you a glass of water?”

“No, I’m okay. Honest, Michelle.”

“Well, if you need me, you just wake me. Try to get back to sleep.” She gave Nell a kiss and tucked her back in, glad she was able to console her. She didn’t know what Nell’s year with Leslie had been like, but she was going to call Leslie tomorrow and ask her some questions, big ones that Esa should have asked when Nell came to live with him.

Michelle slipped back into bed, trying not to think about Esa. Though he was out of the apartment more often than he was in it, she missed him. In the three days between when they’d had sex and he’d left for his road trip, things had felt weird. The sexual tension was worse than before. Or maybe she was just imagining it. For someone who prided herself on being in control, the only time she felt like she wasn’t floundering was when she was taking care of Nell. She turned onto her back, couldn’t get comfortable, and shifted back onto her stomach. She should have pushed harder for Nell to talk to Esa. Too late. She’d tell Esa about Nell’s nightmare when he got home. For now, she’d just keep doing what she did best: loving Nell, and keeping her safe, happy, and secure.