Hippomobile! (19 page)
Authors: Jeff Tapia
***
2 Alls that is, is cornflakes.
***
3 Like the time we had the idea to collect ants, or the time we had the idea to set a world record in sneezing by putting pepper in our noses.
***
4 Grandpa Bert said we was in store for more triple digits.
***
5 We know this for a fact because we were in one once in McFall last year when our class went on a field trip across the street from our school to the courthouse. All fourth-graders get to go, and the most exciting thing about it is that elevator. Not only does it got music; it's also got mirrors and carpeting and makes your stomach drop to your knees when it takes off. The courtroom was boring in comparison to that because alls it had was uncomfortable wood benches, and you weren't even allowed to talk.
***
6 Where our grandpas used to go and play cards and smoke cigars at.
***
7 Your goozle is your throat.
***
8 Them is beans, and Grandma Mabel knew how to make even the lowly and humble bean into something rare and exquisite.
***
9 They used to make us wear a hat and a shirt too, until we told them we were getting too old for stuff like that.
***
10 We asked them once why they didn't just leave everything set up over there, and they told us because it ain't never been done that way and that tradition was tradition.
***
11 The mule's breakfast means “bed” on account of that a mule's breakfast is hay and hay used to be what mattresses were made of.
***
12 Which is what “Yeah, Stella?” sounded like when Jimmy tried to talk and wiggle at the same time.
***
1 “Hopeless” was the word that came to our minds.
***
2 Grandma Henrietta said them included things like squinty eyes, paper cuts, and nightmares about the Dewey decimal system.
***
3 Hopper as in grasshopper.
***
4 When we asked her what she was saying, she just said, “Hold your potato!”
***
5 Big bluestem's a tall grass you see all around these parts. People also call it turkey foot because it branches out at the top to look like a turkey foot. But if you don't know what a turkey foot looks like, we can't help you much.
***
1 You can probably figure out how come.
***
2 As usual, Grandpa Bert was sweeping, Grandpa Chester was listening to a ball game, and Grandma Pearl was searching for pennies, bobby pins, and bottle caps.
***
3 This Joseph fellow got mentioned every now and then, but we ain't sure who he was exactly.
***
4 Pops has promised us that as soon as we turn twelve, he'll climb up there with us. Although when Mom heard that, her reaction was, “Like heck you will!” And she brought down her iron on the ironing board so hard that a whole cloud of steam shot out of it and rose clear up to the ceiling.
***
1 One of them French words Pops liked to use. This one here means something like, “Bingo!” We ain't positive we're spelling it right.
***
1 Provided that we wore our bicycle helmets. It was a little embarrassing, but it was one of them rules made by Mom, and Grandma Winnie was a stickler when it came to rules.
***
2 Grandma Ida served us a big helping of eggs and bacon that morning.
***
3 Just by the way she said it, we could tell she meant Grandpa Homer and Grandpa Virgil.
***
4 That means they was gossiping.
***
5 We should probably mention at this time that Grandma Pearl was a paying member of the North American Prospectors Club.
***
6 One was called the Sensitivity Knob and one was called the Notch Knob, but unfortunately we done since forgot what both of them did.
***
7 Grandma Pearl got pretty excited about that one.
***
1 Those are double-thick chocolate shakes.
***
1 That's a special kinda steak that's black on the outside but juicy on the inside.
***
2 Arr. meant “arrival.”
***
3 And Dep. meant “departure.”
***
4 That's the nearest truck stop to where we live.
***
1 We tried to learn the art of napkin folding on many occasions, but the only shape we ever mastered was the crumpled-up ball.
***
2 There was no tooth wiggling on account of that we had more important business to attend to.
***
3 Otherwise known as breakfast.
***
4 Donuts!
***
5 Also known as an accordion.
***
6 We'd also like you to know that we collect those little banana and apple stickers that are stuck on every banana and apple you buy and that our school box was nearly all covered up with them. To be exact, we had forty-seven apple stickers and thirty-nine banana stickers, and that was just from the start of summer.
***
7 Hot dogs.
***
8 Spare ribs.
***
9 Hamburgers well done, just like we like them best.
***
10 Which was actually just raisin cake. But from a distance you would've thought the raisins was bluebottles.
***
11 Peach pie.
***
12 That's custard pie, but we ain't got any idea how it came to have that name.
***
13 That's another French word Pops uses that we ain't sure how to spell. But we do know what it means: “goodbye.”
***
14 A tossing game.
***
15 Toe-smithing means “dancing.”
***
1 Juice in the sense of tobackey.
***
2 He did, too. He taught us how them letters stood for the names of what coal mine the train started out from and what destination it was headed for.
***
3 It occurred to us out there that we'd kinda forgot about our good diction.
***
4 We got on each other for falling asleep like that and didn't talk none at suppertime. And back in our room in the evening, we pretended we were more interested in keeping straight who came first, Millard Fillmore or Franklin Pierce. But we made up fast when the phone rang.
***
1 Because he didn't much like being interrupted when he was listening to a ball game.
***
1 As well as swallowing a nickel.
***
2 The place mat, that is, not her dishrag.
***
3 That's because there was a nice layer of cocoa powder resting on top just waiting for you to sweep up with your spoon.
***
1 Just a hot dog.
***
2 Did Grandpa Chester mean The Handy Cyclopedia of Things Worth Knowing? We later found out he did. Page 479.
***
1 Which means he was the dishwasher.
***
2 For now, we leapfrogged over presidents ten through twelve because their names aren't near as funny.
***
3 James K. Polk now got whacked on the biscuit by the swinging kitchen doors, and James Buchanan was chasing a fly down with a fly swat.
***
4 And you'll remember, it's the only one that still worked.
***
1 Whatever it was called now.
***
2 More of Pops's French we can't spell. This one means “Enter!”
***
3 You can probably figure out on your own what that is.
***
4 That's eggs on toast.
***
5 That's chili con carne with extra onions.
***
6 And that's butter.
***
7 We'll admit that we don't know what dumb old spark plugs are for.
***
8 Smitty is what she calls him sometimes when he is doing something she doesn't like.
***
9 That's “three” in French.
***
1 It didn't occur to us that we didn't have a key for it.
***
2 It was certainly the first time she'd been up on a roof in all our lives.
***
3 One of the pictures she took landed us on the front page of the McFall Dispatch.
***
1 Those are root beers.
***
2 Mom's the Deadeye Dick of Wymore, and everybody always wants to be on her team.
***
3 Mom said that wasn't true.
***
4 That's chocolate ice cream with chocolate syrup.
***
5 Yet another one of Pops's French phrases. And this one means “That's life.”
***
6 That's what we thought, at least. Read on.
***
1 He put in a brake and dusted out the horn so it worked, too.
***
2 Everyone had to wear a helmet.
***
3 Meatloaf.
***
4 That's a banana split.
***
We put a dishrag in his hands and had him wipe down the tables.
***
6 He was in charge of the place mats.
