His to Command #6: The Surrender (2 page)

Matt rolled back, taking Kate with him, holding her tight to his chest. She snuggled against him and he stroked her long hair as their rapid breathing slowed to a more normal rate. Her breath brushed across his skin, stirring the hair on his chest.

God, he wanted to hold her like this forever. To make her his wife and keep her close to him.

If only he could undo the past and make everything okay. If only he could just hide away what he’d done and move forward from here.

But she knew he had something to tell her. There was no way to escape from what he’d done any longer.

Kate tightened her arms around his waist. “Matt, I can feel you slipping away from me.”

He kissed the top of her head. “No, sweetheart. Never.”

She drew in a breath and pushed herself to a sitting position. “I’d like to believe that, but you said there’s something you need to tell me. That there’s a reason we can’t be together. As much as I don’t want to hear it, I need to know what it is so we can get past it.”

He sat up beside her and gazed into her sincere blue eyes. Hope welled in him that maybe, just maybe, she would understand and they could get past it, then forge a loving relationship together.

He took her hand and kissed it, then held it within both of his.

“Kate, when you walked out on me two years ago, I was devastated. I knew you’d been holding back, that there was something about our relationship that bothered you…” He squeezed her hand. “Actually, I knew it had to do with your submissiveness…but I really thought we’d work it out. I bought the ring…I planned on proposing the following weekend. I thought once you knew how serious I was about you, that we could talk about it. That we could work everything out.”

He released her hand and stood up. He couldn’t be this close to her when he told her. He needed distance. He needed to feel that old pain…so he could explain properly.

“When we went to Ileana’s party, I couldn’t believe that you’d just ditch me like that. That you’d go off with another man.”

“Why did you believe it, Matt?”

He gazed at her, shaking his head. How could she not understand?

“Kate, you kept a part of yourself separate from me. Closed off. You never let me inside. That means that every day I felt rejected by you. Every day I felt the ‘keep out’ sign you had posted on your heart. I loved you. I thought you loved me. So a part of me couldn’t believe you would just walk away. But another part…the part that felt that rejection so deeply…expected it.”

Kate stared at him with wide eyes, her head shaking.

“But, Matt, I never wanted to hurt you. I never would have just walked away.”

“But you had thought about leaving, right?”

Her lips pursed and he could see the truth written across her face.

Her hands clenched around the sheets. “I told you how much my submissiveness disturbed me. It wasn’t you. It was how I acted.”

“It doesn’t matter how much you say it wasn’t me, it
was
me you were rejecting.”

“Only because you were the one that brought out that side of me.”

“Do you think that made the rejection any easier?”

Her big blue eyes gleamed as she gazed at him. “Oh, Matt, but I didn’t leave you. I probably wouldn’t have.”

His hands balled into fists. “But in a way you did, every time you held a part of yourself back. And then you did for real.” He waved away her protest. “I know now that you left because of the lies you’d been told about me, but from my point of view at the time, you left me. Because you didn’t really love me. It was a rejection so complete, and so sudden, it tore my heart in two.”

He stared at her, the pain of that rejection searing through him. Her gaze darted away from him.

“Don’t get me wrong, Kate. I know it wasn’t your fault. Now. But back then, I thought you’d simply found someone else and walked out of my life. I didn’t understand how you could do it in such a callous way and, at first, I didn’t believe it. That’s why I kept calling you. But you wouldn’t answer me. Then you asked to be taken off the project for my company. I couldn’t argue with the facts.” He turned his palms to her imploringly. “What else was I supposed to believe?”

She stood up. “Matt, I’m sorry for what you went through.” She stepped toward him, but he shook his head and turned away.

“Don’t be. I have more to tell you.” He paced across the room, then turned to face her again, a comfortable distance between them.

“A few weeks after it all happened, I was at a fund-raiser and the president of the consulting firm you worked for approached me. We talked a bit about general matters, then the conversation turned to the usual business stuff. He wanted to ensure the transition to a new project leader had gone smoothly, after you’d left the project. He knew I didn’t deal with the project directly, but that I keep pretty close tabs on everything that goes on in my company. After that, he mentioned that he’d asked for a recommendation from my personnel manager to help place you on another project, and he hadn’t heard back. He asked if I could expedite the process because they needed the reference for a new client project. That this client was getting impatient and nothing could move forward until they had the reference. He assumed I’d give you a glowing review.”

He and Kate had been careful not to let anyone on the business side know about their romance, but everyone knew that Matt thought highly of Kate and her work. She did excel at what she did and he ensured his staff knew he recognized that.

“Of course, I couldn’t tell him I would give you a good reference. Even though that would be the professional thing to do, I really didn’t give a shit about professionalism at that point. I was hurting.”

“You gave me a negative review?”

“No, I gave you no recommendation at all. But it seems, at that same party, Ileana, who was my companion that night, made a point of giving your boss a
friendly
word of warning that you would never be welcome at Cutting Edge Industries again, or at any of my other companies.”

“He wouldn’t have liked that. You were our biggest client.”

“That’s right. I knew what Ileana had said to him, and I didn’t correct her. Of course, why would I? It was true.”

“Matt, I understand why you’d feel that way. I felt the same way about you. That’s why I left the project. But that doesn’t have to affect us now.”

“But that’s not all.” He paced. “I instructed personnel not to give a reference for you at all.” His mouth compressed into a thin line. “Ileana chided me to do it—to hold back a reference—but ultimately it was my decision. I should have been a bigger man, but…” He shrugged. At the time, it hadn’t seemed anywhere near enough to punish her for her rejection. He knew she was good at what she did, so she’d be okay. He just didn’t feel like helping her after the pain she’d caused him.

“But it seems the word got out that you weren’t welcome at Cutting Edge Industries, and it’s a small tech community, after all.”

Kate watched the pain etching Matt’s features. She could understand why he would refuse giving her a recommendation given the situation. But she remembered how hard it was when her boss told her they were having trouble finding a contract for her, then after a few weeks of her sitting on the bench, how they’d finally laid her off, telling her there wasn’t enough work.

“That’s why I was let go.”

He nodded. “That’s not all. When you went looking for work elsewhere, the other consulting companies refused to take you on because your reputation was rapidly crashing. Cutting Edge wouldn’t recommend you, your ex-employer had dropped you like a hot potato, and any firms that did come asking about you quickly got the idea they were taking a big chance with their own reputation.”

“Are you saying that they were afraid to be associated with me because your company wouldn’t have anything to do with me?”

He shrugged. “That’s the way it is in business. One black mark can destroy a career.”

Pain and anger blazed through Kate. She remembered the panic that had swept through her as weeks, then months passed, and she hadn’t been able to get work. At first, her boss had assured her they’d find something, then they had laid her off. She’d approached other consulting firms who had courted her in the past but who now flatly slammed the door in her face. Even the smaller firms. A couple had taken a chance and bid her on a couple of contracts, but those didn’t pan out and, finally, one helpful associate had given her the tip about a contract in Connecticut and suggested that starting over in a new location would be a good idea. Everyone had assured her it had been the state of business in New York at the time. She’d had no reason to question it.

But now, to find out that Matt had been the cause of her career plummeting…

“You destroyed my career? You ripped away all the good will I’d built up. Wiped out all the hard work I’d put in.” Having to pack up and leave everything behind her had been devastating. She’d loved living in New York. She had friends. She had a great place to live.

She’d had a life she loved. But she’d had to walk away from it all.

“I’m sorry, Kate.”

“You’re sorry?” She glared at him in amazement. Did he think that could fix everything? “Did you know the effect this was having on me?”

He sighed and stared past her. “I wish I could say I didn’t.” His gaze caught hers, but at the blaring anger emanating from her, it flicked away. “But I did. I hadn’t realized how broad the effect was, but I did know it was causing you problems.”

“So you and Ileana must have enjoyed that. The two of you”—she cast a look of disgust at the big bed they’d just shared for their poignant lovemaking—“lying in that bed having a good laugh.”

His lips compressed. “I never laughed about it, Kate. I never even discussed it with Ileana. I’d been bitter and angry, and I admit, I wanted to hurt you, but I hated myself for it. Even then. And now. Oh, fuck, what I wouldn’t give to take it all back. To make it different.”

“But you can’t. And you can’t change who you are.” Her hands clenched into fists and she paced the room. “Why do you think I never wanted to submit to a man? Because you don’t care who you hurt. It’s all about being in control. Making the world the way
you
want it to be. And if you can’t have that, then you strike out to hurt others.”

Just like her father had. He’d controlled Kate and he’d controlled her mother. And Matt had done the exact same thing. But she saw it now and she’d never,
ever
let it happen again.

“Kate—”

His tone, the look in his eyes, told her that he was going to make a plea. To proclaim his love again and tell her he was sorry and wanted to make it up to her. But she couldn’t take it. She wanted nothing to do with him.

She slashed her hand through the air. “No!” She shoved the sheets away from her, mindless of the fact she stood before him naked, then she strode to the closet, grabbed a pair of jeans and a shirt, and pulled them on, heedless of her lack of underwear. “I’m out of here.”

She strode to the door, then retrieved her purse from her room. Moments later, she hurried down the street. She tugged her cell phone from her purse and called for a taxi.

Kate opened the dryer door and pulled out her warm clothes, then placed them in a heap in her blue plastic laundry basket. It had been almost a week since she’d run out on Matt and her heart still clenched at the thought of his betrayal. She dumped the basket of clothes on the sorting table, picked up a light gray shirt, and folded it.

She’d ached knowing how he’d suffered after she’d walked out on him two years ago with no understanding of why it had happened, but then finding out how he’d taken his revenge on her cut her to the core.

“Hey, Kate. There you are.”

Kate swung her head around to see Ellen standing in the laundry-room doorway.

“Oh, hi, Ellen.”

Kate dropped the folded blouse into the basket, then picked up a striped shirt. She felt a little guilty because she’d been avoiding Ellen, but she knew her friend would pick up on her mood and try to get her to talk about what was wrong. Kate had been nowhere near ready for that.

Ellen grabbed a shirt from Kate’s pile and began folding. “So I thought maybe we’d share a bottle of wine. I have the feeling you could use someone to talk to.”