His To Shatter (9 page)

I had to come to terms with the fact that sex
would never be truly good for me unless I could escape the shame
that went along with it. I’d never enjoyed sleeping with Marc,
because he made me feel embarrassed about my body. And even though
I’d enjoyed Ryan’s attentions in the moment, I knew that I’d never
be able to look back on that episode with anything but shame.
Because the fact of the matter was that Ryan didn’t give a damn
about me as a person. He didn’t even know me as a person. Not until
I actually knew somebody intimately could physical intimacy be
rewarding.

That was when I promised myself that I would
wait. I would wait to have sex until I felt connected to my partner
on a level that wasn’t just boozed-up lust. I would wait until I
met somebody who could actually see and know me, in all my
intricacies; somebody that I could know fully, without him holding
anything back. That was the kind of closeness I wanted. Until then,
sex could certainly wait. I’d made it far enough with sex being a
part of my life, after all. No use worrying.

My mind dipped back to recall the
mind-blowing orgasm that Ryan had given me. I stopped crying for a
moment, remembering how good it had been. Perhaps I could allow
myself to invest in a couple of toys to get through until I met
somebody worth sleeping with. I could definitely stand to show
myself a little more love, if the previous night was any
indication. It wasn’t the pleasure that I was ashamed of, anyway.
It was acting in a way that didn’t feel real to me. I let myself
imagine for a moment what it would be like to submit to someone who
I actually felt connected to. That new, strange warmth spread
between my legs at the mere thought of it.

I sighed heavily and pulled myself up off the
bed. Staggering somewhat, I made my way to the shower. I wanted to
at least be clean when I apologized to Kyle and my roommates for
running off on them like I had. I had quite a bit of explaining to
do, after my little escapade. I needed a hot shower, a New York
bagel, one hell of a cup of coffee, and my three best friends in
the world. But those keys to my happiness were all close at hand.
Somehow, despite the night before, I still felt like the luckiest
girl in the world.

* * * * *

Chapter Seven

* * * * *

That Spring passed in fits and starts, as New
York Springs often do. The persistent bouts of cold weather gave
way eventually to a fleeting stretch of warm mornings and breezy
nights. I spent most of the season camped out under the blossoming
trees in Washington Square Park with my nose buried in book after
book as I prepared to complete my first year of graduate school. I
wanted nothing more than to toss aside my studies and luxuriate in
the new, fresh air that was a relief after such a difficult winter.
But there was no way that I was going to let the ball drop on
school after all the work I’d put in that year.

I've always been an excellent student, ever
since I was a kid. Grasping ideas and concepts had come naturally
to me, and doing poorly in academics had always seemed like a moral
failing to me. Perhaps the encouragement I received from my grade
school teachers had been particularly intoxicating because I’d
felt, at that point, that my parents couldn’t care less about my
academic career. Knowledge and imagination were there for me when
everything else in my young life was a mess. It was the least I
could do to be as faithful to my academic pursuits as I could be.
I’d certainly given up a lot for the sake of my schooling—play
dates and softball practice when I was a kid, and lounging about
New York City in various adorable sundresses as an adult.

Still, there were a few moments throughout
the season that were nothing but unencumbered bliss. Dara, Ashlee
and I finally got down to exploring the city in a way that we
hadn’t all winter. We saw The Cloisters, Governor’s Island, every
park and botanical garden and zoo that we could. The girls knew
that I’d be away all summer, and wanted to squeeze in as much
quality time with me as they could before I left. Or at least,
that’s what they’d told me was going on.

The last week of May was perfect in a way
that I had never known a season could be. In New York, summer and
winter both come faster and last longer than you might expect. I
could tell, during those last days of May, that the wickedly
oppressive heat that we had experienced the summer we moved in
would be back with a vengeance. Luckily, I was heading off to Paris
on the very first day of June, to begin my summer long stay in
paradise. The thought of my internship had sustained me through
every all nighter and nerve wracking exam that I encountered. And
each day that it ticked closer, the more excited I got. The only
thing that I felt sorry about was that I wouldn’t have anyone to
enjoy Paris with. I’d miss my friends terribly, but there wasn’t
much to be done about it. I assumed that was why Dara and Ashlee
had been so intent on spending time with me that Spring.

We were gearing up for our last big night out
before I left, and our tiny apartment was heavy with the heat of
three hair dryers blasting, as well as a thick cloud of hairspray
that had exploded between our bedrooms. We were going to take a
nice long walk along the Highline Park overlooking the Hudson River
at sunset, then grab some dinner in the West Village, and then down
to Little Italy for some authentic gelato. We steered clear of any
French cuisine while we picked out our locations. After all, I’d be
having my fill of that soon enough!

It was hard to believe, as I pulled on a
pretty blue sundress that night, that I was going to be on a plane
the very next morning. My body was practically vibrating with
anticipation. I put the finishing touches on my makeup and made my
way out to the common area. Ashlee and Dara were out there waiting
for me, which was a bit peculiar in and of itself. These were not
girls who were ever ready to leave the house on time, let alone
before me. They were wearing matching grins, and looked as though
they were hiding something from me, and poorly.

“What’s up, guys?” I asked cautiously, edging
into the room.

“Well,” Ashlee said, bouncing ever so
slightly on the balls of her feet, “We have a surprise for you,
Madison.”

“Oh dear,” I sighed. Their surprises tended
to either be fantastic or appalling. I hope that this one would
prove to fall under the former category.

“Don’t worry!” Dara said quickly. “We think
that you’re going to be a big fan of this one.”

“Ok,” I said. “What is it?”

They traded devious, excited looks and turned
back to me, grinning ear to ear. I looked down at what Ashlee held
proffered in her hand. It was a shiny new key, dangling from a
cheesy Eiffel Tower keychain. I looked back up at them, not
comprehending.

“What’s it for?” I asked.

“Our apartment,” Dara smiled.

“Did we need a spare?” I asked, looking
around at our home.

“No,” Ashlee laughed, “It’s for our apartment
in Paris!”

I stared dumbly at them for a long moment
before it clicked. “You’re...you’re coming to Paris?” I breathed.
They nodded eagerly, waiting to see what my reaction would be. I
flew at them, squealing with joy, wrapping them both into an
enormous bear hug. “But how?” I asked, giddy.

“I’m taking a scene study class over there
this summer, and they’re going to spot me airfare!” Ashlee said
happily.

“And my dad thinks that I need to be more
worldly, or something,” Dara rolled her eyes. “We know that your
internship is providing you with housing, so we decided to find a
place in the same district!”

“You mean the same
arrondissement,”
Ashlee corrected her.

“Well look at you!” I laughed.

“You know what they say. ‘When in Rome’!”
Ashlee said.

“When in Paris, you mean,” Dara
countered.

We collapsed into heap of excited laugher,
shoulders shaking with the force our of glee. I couldn’t believe
it! I would be spending the summer in Paris, employed by the best
international marketing firm in the world, and just a stone’s throw
away from my two best friends on the planet to boot? I truly felt
like the most blessed girl in the universe.

A knock on the door distracted us, and Dara
escaped our joyous huddle to answer it. The door swung open to
reveal Kyle, as it often did. He looked around at our big, smiling
faces and cocked an eyebrow at us.

“What are you clowns so happy about?” he
asked.

“We’re going to Paris!” Ashlee cried, giving
him a big hug.

“We?” he asked. “You mean you’re all
going?”

“Yeah!” I said. “Isn’t it awesome?”

“It’s...but...” Kyle sputtered, looking for
the world like a puppy who’d just been kicked. “What about me?”

Us girls exchanged baffled looks. We hadn’t
thought about Kyle when we decided to traipse off to Paris. Maybe
he could still come along? But Dara smiled coyly at him and said,
“Look at it this way, Kyle. Now you’re going to actually have to
meet girls besides us in the city. You know...girls who might
actually want to sleep with you, ever.”

“Ah,” Kyle said gamely, “I see what this is
all about. You have to go to Paris because you’ve already slept
with every man in New York, right?”

Dara punched Kyle playfully in the arm, and I
turned away as Ashlee let out an appreciative chuckle. Lately I had
been more sensitive than ever talking about sex. At the beginning
of the summer, in the wake of my snagging my internship, the four
of us had gone out to celebrate my success at a neighborhood bar. I
usually never drink, not even a drop, but that night I’d let myself
go wild. I couldn’t even say how many drinks I put away that night,
but it was certainly much more than I ever should have. I had
gotten so drunk that I allowed myself to go home with a wealthy,
boyishly handsome Wall Street type I’d never met. And a
one-night-stand was something that I had never done before.

I’d stumbled back to Wall Street’s apartment
and gotten into bed with him. That much I could remember clearly. I
could also remember the way he’d kissed me all the way down my
body, all the way down to that place I never let any man near with
his mouth. He had certainly known what he was doing, and had drawn
forth my very first orgasm that night. I’d writhed in his
unfamiliar bed and came for him, this person I’d never met before.
And as I fell asleep in his unfamiliar arms that night, it was
bliss. Until the next morning, of course.

My hangover had been massive and unforgiving,
but the shame that I felt had been much, much worse. I’d staggered
from his home without leaving a note, promptly vomited into his
front bushes, and eventually made it home again. No number of
scorching hot showers had been enough to negate the humiliation I
felt. I must have looked like such an idiot, tottering home with
him. He must have thought me the stupidest, most careless person on
the entire planet. I did not like to appear stupid in any way, my
sterling report cards dating back to preschool were evidence enough
of that. But to look stupid in that particular way? It had
shattered me for weeks. I still winced whenever one of my roommates
mentioned a fling of theirs. They were kind enough not to press me
about Wall Street’s attentions, once they’d discerned that he
hadn’t forced me into anything. I assured them that nothing like
that had happened, that I had been a willing participant in the
whole thing. So they told me they were there to talk if I wanted
and we left it at that.

Well, except for Kyle. After that, he’d been
a little strange to me. He had never approved of my interest in
marketing, being a borderline socialist and a bleeding heart. As
many times as I tried to explain that I wasn’t in it for the money,
he still wouldn’t hear me out. I was sure that going home with a
frat-like Wall Street type had infuriated him. Kyle had always
nursed a little crush on me, so it was natural to feel jealous. But
I think that the man’s expensive taste and thick wallet had added
insult to injury. Maybe some distance between me and Kyle that
summer would be just what the doctor ordered for our
friendship.

“Let’s get this night started!” Ashlee said,
gathering her things. “We have a lot of New York to experience, if
it’s going to tide us over all summer.”

“Can I at least tag along tonight?” Kyle
asked, “Or have I been voted off the island?”

“You can come,” Dara said, “As long as you
promise not to stow away in one of our suitcases when we leave for
Paris.”

“I promise,” Kyle said. “You have my
word.”

We set off into the night, the four of us,
and headed for the Hudson River. My heart was full of love for my
friends and for the city that I now could call my home. The roaring
traffic of Houston Street, the crowds of every type of person you
could imagine, the impossible glittering skyscrapers all mingled in
my vision to create a kaleidoscopic spectacle. I wondered, as we
made our way through the city, how Paris could ever compete with
all of this? The City of Lights had a tough act to follow, now that
I’d lived in New York. Still, I could tell by the flutter in my
stomach whenever I thought of it that Paris would be important to
me. I just couldn’t quite tell how, yet.

The evening passed in an array of lights and
colors. We filled ourselves with wonderful food, and feasted our
eyes with the most beautiful sights in the city. Nothing was left
unexplored or unexpressed between us—it was truly the perfect last
hurrah before a long time away. We fell into our beds at the end of
the night exhausted and happy, knowing what the next day held in
store. It was much easier getting up at the crack of dawn to catch
a flight with company afoot. Dara, Ashlee and I left our apartment
together at the break of dawn, looking wistfully into our little
abode as we said goodbye for the summer.