His Touch (18 page)

“Okay. Okay, I’m sorry, but you’re on your own when Elena gets here. She’s bringing the girls.”

Thunderstruck, Kara stammered, “She…wait, what?”

“You heard me. As soon as Reid called, she started a damn phone tree.”

“Oh, God.” She closed her eyes, swallowing the nausea burning at the back of her throat. Reid had called her sister. Her sister would call everybody and then they’d
know
. They’d all know how completely useless she was as a mother. Why would he do that to her? And why didn’t he come back? Kara’s hands began to tremble. She was cold. She was so cold.

Dr. Tully walked back into the office, raised his eyebrows at the two new faces. Lucas and Al introduced themselves. “Okay, did Kara fill you in?”

“No. She didn’t.” Luke glared at her. “All I know is my niece may have some kind of heart defect?”

“We’re going to run a few tests to rule out her father’s condition. I need to sedate her so we’re just running the clock for a few hours, waiting until she’s digested her breakfast.”

“Tests? What kind of tests?” Luke handed Nadia to Al and sat beside Kara. He took one of her hands, sandwiched it between his and rubbed warmth back into it. She wanted to tell him not to bother because she was pretty sure she’d never feel warm again. Her heart was slowly breaking, one tiny fragment at a time.

Like eggshells. It always used to annoy her when those stupid hardboiled shells came off one tiny piece at a time and—Oh, God, she was officially losing her mind. She was completely useless as a parent. Dr. Tully’s voice sounded like it was far, far away and she was thinking about hardboiled hearts.

“…an echocardiogram and a chest x-ray.”

Kara focused on the conversation around her, felt Lucas tense.

“I thought x-rays were bad for kids this little?”

“If the echo is clean, we won’t need the x-ray.”

“Will you have the results immediately?” he asked, his jaw tight. He was truly worried, bless him. She’d have welcomed anyone her sister had married, but Luke was truly family.

Dr. Tully pressed his lips together. “It’s possible. But I need to have a surgeon consult.”

Kara lifted her head. “Surgeon?”

“A precaution. A second opinion.”

The door opened and a woman in scrubs poked her head in. “We’re ready for you, Dr. Tully.”

“Okay.” He extended his hand to Kara. “Are you ready to do this?”

There was a buzzing in her head, a kind of white noise that seemed to drown everything else out. All she could hear was Nadia. She picked up her daughter, grabbed her bag from the stroller handle and followed Dr. Tully.

He turned back to Luke and Al. “There’s a waiting area across the hall. We’ll find you there.”

“I’m coming with them,” Lucas insisted.

“Luke—” Kara began.

“I’m coming.”

Al thumped Lucas on the back. “I’ll coordinate from here.” He waved his cell phone.

*

In an empty
room, Dr. Tully gave Nadia a sedative to drink in a little cup, and turned to a computer on a cart beside the bed. Whatever the stuff in the cup was, Nadia liked it and wanted more. Kara wished they had some for Mommy, too. Her heart was thudding out of her ribcage and her whole body started to throb to the beat. She felt sick inside, down to the bone. She couldn’t lose her daughter. No. It wasn’t…it just wasn’t possible. Healthy babies don’t simply
die
.

Reid. Reid lost his daughter.

A sob bubbled up and Luke’s arm came around her, held tight. “First step, Kara. This is only the first step. Whatever happens here, it is absolutely not the end, understand?”

Through blurry eyes, she looked at him. “Yeah. Okay.”

“Ma,” Nadia whined and dropped her head onto Kara’s breast. The sedative was already working.

“It’s okay, Milk Dud. It’ll be okay.” Kara paced with the baby on her shoulder, rocking her gently and humming to her.

“Kara.” Dr. Tully turned. “Even if we do find COA, it can be corrected with surgery. It doesn’t have to be a life lived inside bubble wrap.”

Bubble wrap. Kara suddenly remembered the hole Nadia almost put in the wall and how she’d briefly considered wallpapering the apartment with rolls of it. That felt like centuries ago now.

“Kara,” Lucas whispered. “She’s out.”

“Yeah. Okay.” Carefully, Kara put her precious angel on the bed, covered her with her favorite blanket and brushed the curls from her face.

Dr. Tully shifted the blanket, fastened electrodes to Nadia’s little chest. “This won’t hurt her, Kara. It’ll take about forty minutes or so.” He squirted some ultrasound gel onto her chest and began running a wand over it. The computer on the cart recorded the readings, and he occasionally clicked buttons on the keyboard, freezing certain images, changing parameters.

The sound of Nadia’s heart filled the room and Kara closed her eyes for a moment, listening to it, memorizing it, absorbing it. Then she watched Dr. Tully’s face for frowns, smiles, concern—any sign at all. But it revealed nothing. Back and forth, over and over, he moved the wand over the baby’s heart, the minutes dragging by so slowly, Kara was sure time had stopped.

“Okay, Mommy. That’s it. You can redress her.”

“And? Did you find anything?”

Dr. Tully shook his head. “Kara, I can only tell you this. There is a heart murmur. Whether it’s COA, well, I really need to consult with the surgeon.”

“When will you know?”

“Redress the baby and we’ll talk back in my office. I’ll have him paged while you’re doing that, okay?”

She wanted to grab Dr. Tully by his lapels and shake him. He needed to understand, this was her baby’s life, this was
her
life because without Nadia in it—oh, God. Oh, God!

“Hey, hey, it’s okay, Kara.” Lucas must have seen evidence of her impending breakdown because suddenly he was right there, folding her into his arms. “Dr. Tully will do what he has to so you can get answers right away. You need to hold it together just a little longer, okay, honey?”

Frantically, she nodded, fought down the panic and hopelessness that had her by the throat.

“Where are her clothes?”

“Um. In her bag.”

Lucas found Nadia’s little pants and top with the flowers that Reid had put on her that morning. A cold ball of dread spun in her gut. Where was Reid? Luke’s phone buzzed just as he got Nadia’s top tugged down. “Elena’s here, Kara. And she’s brought reinforcements.” He picked up her still sleeping daughter and flashed her the smile that made her sister fall in love with him. “You’re not alone in this anymore.”

She managed a convincing smile as Lucas cradled Nadia’s head against his shoulder and headed for the door.

She picked up her baby bag and was about to follow when she spotted Nadia’s favorite blanket on the floor. She scooped it up, stuffed it in the bag and left the room, and shook her head because Luke was wrong.

Alone was all she was ever going to be.

‡

T
he sun was
shining and a soft breeze blew over the September 11th Memorial. Reid looked out over the twin pools, all that was left of the tall buildings that once occupied those spaces, and talked to his brother. “Kyle. Tell me what to do.” He wanted Kara but knew damn well he didn’t deserve her. She needed someone who could be a true father to Nadia, someone who could give them everything he had without holding back.

Someone else who would make blanket forts with Nadia. Someone else who would make love to Kara every damn night. He wanted to tear the limbs off the figure of his imagination.

Serves you right for running.

Reid’s head snapped up. Embarrassment battled with fury and Reid’s jaw clenched.

Running
. The word made Reid cringe in humiliation. He was a trained first responder, for God’s sake. The only running he did was
toward
danger, not away from it. But run was exactly what he’d done. He didn’t deserve Kara. He didn’t deserve either of them. “Look, you know me, Kyle. Better than anybody. I’m not one of those guys who’s into all that
feeling his feelings
crap, okay? Kara needs someone who can take care of Nadia.”

And yet, here you are, talking to a ghost.

Reid didn’t say a word. Okay, sure, he talked to Kyle and often heard Kyle talk back, but that was…well, it was just taking comfort wherever and however you can in this world, and he wasn’t about to apologize for it.

Reid watched a couple make a pencil rubbing of a name on the plaque that surrounded the pool. Their faces were tight and drawn. It had been over a decade and their pain was as raw, as chronic, as his own. But his was worse. His was worse because he’d been able to go on living after losing his brother. He fell in love, got married, made a baby.

And lost her, too.

Whoever said time heals all wounds didn’t know shit about grief.

He started the walk back to his apartment alone.

*

Reid nursed a
beer in his dark apartment, listening to the Lees arguing in Chinese in the apartment below his, and absently rubbing at the ache in his chest that just wouldn’t go away. Since he’d gotten home, something was off—not quite right. He couldn’t figure it out. He was edgy. Raw.

Like an exposed nerve ending.

He’d considered getting good and drunk and zoning out until it passed, but he was on tour tomorrow. Restless, he prowled the two rooms of his apartment. He flipped through TV channels, thumbed through magazines, checked his email, even thought about going for a muscle-burning run, but nothing appealed. Nothing held interest.

Except his phone.

He kept staring at it, willing it to ring while praying it wouldn’t. He’d checked it a dozen—a hundred times—but there were no messages from Kara. He could call Dr. Tully himself, he supposed. Not that it would do any good. He knew the damn speech about confidentiality. He wasn’t family. He wasn’t entitled to any information about Nadia Larsen’s condition and the kick of it all was that he
could have been
. The ache in his chest powered up a notch as he thought about how enormously he’d screwed everything up. The more he thought about Nadia and Kara, the more intense that edgy and raw sensation grew.

Damn it, he
knew
better. He knew better than to let his emotions out. Since the end of his marriage, he’d taken every step necessary to make sure the women he let into his world held no interest for him beyond a few laughs and maybe a little fun in bed. And then he’d met Kara and fallen so hard so fast, he never noticed the trip until he’d face-planted with a bone-jarring crash.

Could he do it again? Could he be a husband again—a father? He didn’t damn well know and that’s why he was sitting in a dark room, pouring beer into his sour stomach, and listening to his neighbors screaming like extras in a movie. He sat for a long time, forgot about the beer, until he couldn’t take it another second. He got up, grabbed his keys. He had to get out of here, get out of his own head for a while. He was about to open the door when a muffled thump stopped him.

He looked back, and on the floor beside the table where he’d tossed his keys, he spotted the book he’d found in the hospital that morning.