Hold Me Close (23 page)

She closed her eyes. “I forgot how horny I get when I drink. I think we should have sex again. See if it’s still as good now that I know I can do it.”

“No.”

“No, what?”

“I’m not sleeping with you, Maggie.”

“I’m not talking about sleeping. I’m talking about fucking.”

“Using crass terms isn’t going to change what we have, what we did.” He stood. “You need to go to sleep. Where’s my laptop?”

“Whatever. You wouldn’t be able to get it right anyway.”

“Excuse me?”

She stood and pointed at him. “Yeah, the sex was good. But you know what I really want, Shane? I want a guy who’s going to take charge, make demands, not treat me like I’m fragile.”

But she was fragile. She didn’t want to be. More than anything else, he understood that.

She disappeared into the bedroom and returned a minute later with his laptop in hand, wearing nothing but her bra and panties.

“Want to give it another try?”

“Nope.”

Her face fell. “Why not? You’ve slept with tons of girls just for sex.”

“Because you’re not some girl.”

“I could be.”

“No.” He felt like he was dangling from a thread and no matter which way he twisted or turned, he couldn’t find solid ground.

She waved her hands down in front of her body. “Well, I bet I could find someone downstairs who could accommodate me.”

“Don’t go there. You’re not leaving this apartment tonight. If I need to park my ass in front of your door, you’re staying put.”

She giggled. “I’m just joking. I’m not that drunk. I want you to treat me like a nobody for tonight.”

He lost the slight control he had on his temper. “You could never fucking be a nobody to me. I love you, Maggie.”

“I love you too.”

“I’m
in love
with you. I have been for longer than I can remember. I thought I could sleep with you once, give you what you needed, and then go back. But you won’t let it. It’s all or nothing, Maggie. We’re either a couple or we’re friends. There’s no in between.”

The look on her face was total confusion. She stared at him, mouth hanging open, looking sexy as hell in her underwear. So he left.

Frustration fueled his every movement and it wasn’t until he was back in his apartment that he realized he still didn’t get his computer.

Maggie watched Shane leave, and she wanted to cry. Beyond the anger, he looked so down, like she’d crushed him. What the hell was he thinking? She supposed it was her own fault by asking him to have sex with her, but how could he think they should risk their entire friendship based on one night in bed?

It was more than that,
the annoying little voice in her head said. No, it couldn’t be. He was just a guy thinking with his dick. Once he found some other girl to sleep with, he’d forget all about sex with her. This made the most sense, and she knew it. She’d done plenty of impulsive things in her life, and maybe asking Shane to sleep with her was one of them, but she tried to learn from her mistakes.

She couldn’t imagine her life without Shane. Part of her could imagine life without sex. She’d been living that life. But life without Shane was unfathomable.

She glanced down at her scantily clad body and sighed. She set his laptop on the kitchen counter. Time for another beer. What the hell was wrong with her?

As she popped the top on her last bottle, she decided she’d see Shane tomorrow and apologize for trying to jump him. If he could forget they ever slept together, so could she. She couldn’t risk losing her best friend.

With her beer bottle as company, she wobbled to her bed and collapsed. She would regret this tomorrow, but for the moment, she enjoyed a little oblivion.

When Maggie woke the following morning, her tongue felt glued to the roof of her mouth. This was one side effect of drinking she hadn’t missed. Not one iota. In the bathroom, she drank a glass of water and swallowed a couple aspirin. After brushing her teeth twice, she still felt gross, but staying in the bathroom all day wasn’t an option.

She needed to meet Moira for a working lunch. That made her smile. People with real careers had working lunches. Made her sound kind of grown-up. Getting rid of the hangover would probably help with that feeling. She made herself an awful cup of coffee and groaned at the time. She’d missed catching Shane by hours.

Maybe that was a blessing. She could shake her crappy feeling, get her head on straight, and ask Moira for advice. Flying by the seat of her pants hadn’t been working out too well, so this plan sounded better. Since she had some time until lunch, she eased onto the couch with her coffee and relaxed.

Then she remembered Shane had asked for his computer back, but he’d left without it. She should feel bad, but she needed it for her meeting with Moira. She had all of her work saved in cloud storage, but she didn’t know if Moira would bring her laptop. She sighed again and grabbed her phone to text Shane. Hopefully, he would answer.

 

 

She held her phone and waited for his response. In a way, she felt silly. If he really needed it, he would’ve come back for it last night or pounded on her door this morning. But she couldn’t help making this slight contact to make sure they were still going to be okay. Her phone buzzed in her hand.

 

 

Now she did feel bad.

 

 

She paused, stomach in a knot, and then added:
Or you can come by tonight. I promise to stay fully clothed.

In her head, she heard his quiet chuckle, the one where he couldn’t stop it, even though he knew he shouldn’t laugh. However, when his response came through, her chest tightened.

 

 

There was no laughter. Not even a smiley face emoticon. The fear that she’d completely damaged their friendship became real and painful. She needed more help than she thought. She finished her coffee, took a shower, packed the laptop, and headed to lunch. Moira would know what to do. She hoped.

Maggie and Moira worked for a couple of hours, creating content for the magazine. She was having fun in spite of the hangover that lingered. Moira knew something was up but surprisingly didn’t ask until they finished for the day.

“I’m worried about you.”

Damn. Was she so transparent that she didn’t even need to tell Moira?

“You haven’t touched alcohol in five years. Is it a problem?”

Maggie giggled. Moira thought she was turning into a drunk. “No. I had a beer on Saint Paddy’s Day at the bar. Last night, I had a beer with Eli, and when things went south with him, I continued to drink by myself. I’m not a drunk. I knew I’d be safe in my apartment, drinking my beer, and I really wanted a bit of oblivion last night.”

“What happened?”

She summarized the whole situation with Eli and then debated telling her about Shane.

“You’re hiding something.”

“I think I did something stupid.”

“Like what?”

“Shane came over for his laptop, and I practically jumped him. First I asked if he wanted to fuck, then I said he probably couldn’t get it right.” She cut into the brownie in front of her. Moira was convinced that chocolate could solve most problems. Maggie wasn’t sold on the idea.

“Ouch!”

“Yeah. I don’t know what I was thinking.”

“What did he say?”

“He said he wouldn’t sleep with me, and he hadn’t been trying to manipulate me the other day when he said we should be a couple. He wants to date.”

Moira let out a whoop. “It’s about damn time.”

“What?”

“Oh, come on. Everyone can see how much that man loves you.”

“Of course he loves me. We’re friends. And before he left last night—left me standing in my underwear, by the way—he said it was all or nothing: friends or a couple.”

Moira’s face fell. “God, did you actually slap him back into the friend zone?”

“
I
didn’t do anything. He left.”

Moira studied her face, and Maggie felt self-conscious. “I say you go jump him again. Go out with him. Be a couple. Have fun.”

Moira’s urging caused a fresh flood of fear. “What if it doesn’t work out?”

“What if it does?”

“I’m serious. He’s my best friend. I don’t want to fuck that up.”

Moira patted her hand. “So don’t.”

As far as sisterly advice went, it wasn’t very helpful. Maggie needed to stop this. She had to tell Shane that they could only be friends. She never should’ve slept with him. She drove home trying to find the words to give to Shane.

The last thing she wanted to do was hurt him. She replayed the end of the night in her head. Then it hit her.

Holy crap! He said he was in love with her. How had that not been front and center in her brain? That was the kind of declaration that changed lives. He had to be wrong. He was confusing sex with love.

She parked behind the bar and looked for Shane’s truck. It wasn’t in sight, so she sent him a text asking him to come over when he got home. That gave her some time to think about how to approach this.

Inside her apartment, she began to clean her mess from the night before. Empty beer bottles littered the table, so she gathered them in her arms and tossed them in the trash. The stale beer smell caught her, and she swallowed hard to prevent herself from getting sick. Although she no longer felt the need to completely avoid alcohol, she definitely had no desire to get drunk again.

After the room was clean, she settled on the couch to wait for Shane. It didn’t take long before there was a knock on her door. When she opened it, Shane stood there with a scowl on his face but didn’t come in.

She stepped back from the door and waved her arm out. “Please come in.”

He took two steps, which barely put him over the threshold.

Fine. If this was where he wanted to do it, whatever. “I’m sorry about last night. I was out of line and I wasn’t being fair to you. I treated you like an object. Like you didn’t matter.”

“Yeah, I was feeling a little used. I did a lot of thinking last night and today. Now that you’re sober, I’m going to say it again so there are no misunderstandings. I think we should give us a shot.”

“A shot? For what?”

“To be a couple. We’re good together, Maggie.”

“Yeah. We’re good because we’re friends. By definition, best friends are good together. But as a couple . . . that’s such a risk. What if we screw it up? I would lose you.” Her breathing sped up as nerves attacked.

“So we don’t screw it up.”

“Ha!” She stepped away, suddenly feeling cramped in the entryway. She paced between the two walls, barely two steps before needing to turn. “You’re as naïve as Moira.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“It means that people screw shit up all the time. No matter how much they love each other.”

He grabbed her arms to stop her pacing. “And lots of people don’t screw it up.”

“Is it worth taking that kind of chance?”

He stared at her. “I don’t know.”

“I don’t want to lose you.”

“You won’t.”

“You don’t know that. Look at how you reacted to my being with Eli. If we had a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship that went south, how much worse would you be seeing me with another guy?”

Although he didn’t speak, his face said plenty. “See? It’d be bad. And then I would lose my best friend.”

She reached up and stroked his jaw. “I will always be grateful for what you did.”

“Anything for you, Maggie.” He leaned like he might try to kiss her, so she needed to get this out.