Hold My Breath (28 page)

* * *

* * *

“
W
here’s Dylan
?”

There is so much wrong with the scene that I walked into the moment Maddy and I stepped through that door. Dylan being missing is only a fraction of it, but I know that part has an answer. I think I’m going to need to tackle the easy things first with this one.

“His therapist is at the house. She offered to stay. I trust her,” Tanya says.

I nod, blinking away from her red eyes. My hand instinctively covers my face, my fingertips scratching lightly along my saturated skin. I smell of chlorine, and my skin is pruned. My legs twitch from exhaustion, but I’m too afraid to move forward and sit on the sofa next to her. I know what she’s going to say, and I just feel like if I can stand here on the cusp of my world falling apart for a little while that maybe it will pass by me, and for once, I won’t have to deal with the hurt that comes with bad news.

“I’m sick, Will,” she says. It’s the same way she said it last time—a year ago, before I drove my car into a tree. I wasn’t the man I am today then, though—I wasn’t equipped for it, as if I could ever be equipped for the uncertainty that something like this comes with.

I feel the familiar sting hit my eyes, and I push my forearm against them both, keeping the tears where they lie—on the edge of falling.

“It came back,” I say.

“They aren’t sure it ever really left,” she says.

Maddy steps in close to me, and I don’t hesitate to grip her hand in mine. It isn’t fair to her, but for the next few hours at the very least, I’m going to need to lean on her. What she learns, though, might mean I lose her for good.

“I’ll quit. We’ll start chemo again. I’m here this time, so I won’t have to fly in. You won’t have to rely on your mother…I know you can’t count on her, and she’s far away…”

She looks up slowly, her eyes leveling me. She’s looked so tired, more than she should—how could I not have noticed.

“It’s past that,” she says.

My hand covers my face again instinctually, and I let my tears smear against my palm while I let my face contort underneath, my teeth gritting while my body twitches with the need to sob.

“It happened again,” Tanya says, and I look up, trying to understand what she’s saying, but when I do, I realize she isn’t looking at me, she’s looking at Maddy. “Last night, I threw up blood.”

Maddy’s eyes close.

“You knew?” My heartbeat begins to pick up, and my fingers work loose of their grip with Maddy.

“I got sick in front of her, Will. It’s only been a day, and I begged her not to tell you. I wanted you to race first,” Tanya says.

My hands twitch at my sides as I walk backward until my body slams into the closed door. My eyes flit from every pair in the room, and I feel like I’ve been in the dark.

“We were going to tell you, Will. Tanya was going to tell you as soon as trials were done,” Maddy says, glancing from me to her, her mouth moving long after the words have left it, as if she’s trying to find more words to give me, even though there aren’t any.

“Don’t take this out on her, Will. This was me,” Tanya says.

I press my back harder into the door.

“I’m just afraid that I can’t take care of Dylan now. I thought I’d have
months
, but I’m stumbling. I haven’t been able to stay on my feet for more than a few minutes at a time since you left my house. I think the trip took all I had left. I’m weak, and tired, and…” Her body shakes as a cry escapes her chest. She sucks her top lip in and closes her eyes as my uncle moves closer, putting his arm around her body.

“We’re your family, Tanya. We’ll help,” he says, swinging his vision to me.

My eyes are wide and my mind is racing with all of the wonderful things that were so nearly in my grasp. I’m going to have to give them up. I can’t be both a father and the man I was only minutes ago. I suppose I should be thankful that I ever got to be that man at all, however fleeting that time was.

“Of course,” I say, void of emotion. I stare at my uncle’s hand on Tanya’s, the picture blurring the longer I stare until I blink it into focus and look Duncan in the eyes.

“And you’ll still compete,” Tanya says.

I laugh lightly because I’m not sure whose lie is worse—Tanya for asking what she knows I won’t do, or me for the answer I’m about to give.

“I’ll still compete,” I say. There isn’t a single person in this room who believes me.

* * *

* * *

I
was never around
for those moments in Will’s life—the ones that sent him down spirals. I have nothing to compare this moment, too, but my instincts are screaming at me to fight his demons for him. He barely processed the news before excusing himself into the back room to change, then walking back past each of us and out the door, keys in his hand.

“What happened to waiting until after the trials?” I ask, moving to sit on the coffee table in front of both Duncan and Tanya.

“I fell just trying to get Dylan to his chair this morning. It took me two hours to get us both up and out the door, just so I could make it to my doctor appointment where he could tell me that the chemo isn’t working this time,” she says.

My heart stops beating, sinking in my chest, and a wave of nausea leaves my neck sweaty and my face pale.

“I’m so sorry,” I say, my mouth overcome with the sour taste of guilt and helplessness. I need to keep in perspective what
she’s
going through. “I didn’t mean…”

“It’s okay. You’re looking after Will, and I’m glad,” she says.

The three of us sit quietly for several seconds, my mind running through the small list of places Will could be—my parents’ house, the lake, a bar somewhere off the sixty-five.

“You know he’s quitting, right? That right there—what we all saw—that was Will quitting,” I say.

“Then don’t let him,” Duncan cuts in quickly.

I jerk my attention to him, but he doesn’t back down, looking me right in the eyes, his mouth a hard line and his shoulders square with mine while his hands still hold on to Tanya. His lip eventually raises on one side, and I exhale.

“You’ve always been able to get that boy to do just about anything,” he says, his words trailing off with a soft laugh. “You know he didn’t even want to swim in the first place?”

I tilt my head to the side and scrunch my mouth. Duncan laughs out hard, his belly shaking as he throws his head back.

“He was fixin’ to quit, mostly just to piss my brother, his dad, off. Robert wanted swimming to be this great bond between his two boys, but he pushed them to compete against each other constantly—Will hated it. He was going to give it one last
hoorah
, come check out this new Swim Club his dad had heard about and see if maybe there would be something there that would make swimming fun again. Turns out…there was.”

His eyes settle on me, wrinkling at the corners with the soft curve of his mouth. My heart is beating so hard I can hear it echo inside my body; I can
feel
it pulse at my fingertips and toes.

“Go on…go get him. Go make sure he doesn’t regret anything, and get him to give swimming one last shot. You and I both know he was born to do it. I’ll get Tanya home, pack my things up and stay there for a little while…until we can decide what needs to happen next.”

My breath is coming hard and fast even though I haven’t moved in several minutes. My nerves are kicking me, begging me to go find him, but my mind still isn’t sure that I can say the right words to make Will believe that choosing himself—for just a little while—isn’t selfish.

I stand anyway, taking my keys in one hand and my wallet and phone in the other. I’m not sure where to find him, though there’s a voice in my head whispering that Will is where he always goes—where
I
would
go.

“I don’t know what to say. If I find him, I’m just not sure how to begin.” My head falls against the door, my eyes looking down at my hand on the knob.

“You say
please
, Maddy. That’s all it’s going to take,” he says. “That’s all it ever does.”

I leave without turning around again, knowing that my reflexes will want to stay and help Tanya, too, if I look at her again. Duncan’s right. I’m the only one who can get through to Will, and Tanya was right to tell him. Will has so much to swim for, and I’m going to make sure every member of his family is there to watch every moment when he does.

I leave Tanya with Duncan and rush to my car. My tires kick up gravel, spinning freely as I leave the lot, the back end of my car fishtailing as I swerve onto the thankfully empty road. I don’t bother to go home and ditch my swimsuit. If my gut is right, I’ll need it.

I pass a few cars as I speed along the country highway, turning hard when I almost miss the turnoff for Peterson Lake. Will’s car comes into view quickly, so I pull up next to it, jump out and pick up a handful of rocks without hesitation.

“I should have known it was all too good to be true,” he says, not bothering to look over his shoulder. He knew I’d come.

I toss one of my rocks, and it skips six times. I smile and stop walking, marveling at something I’ve never been able to do before.

“Did you see that?” I ask.

He turns to look over his shoulder, lifting his mouth up on one side.

“I sure did,” he says, looking down and dropping the few stones left in his hand into the water. He bends down to wash his hands off, his feet splashing in the water as he walks back up the shore. I throw another rock, and Will follows its path from my hand. It sinks right away.

“Should have quit when you were ahead,” he says, pulling his lips in tight, his eyes on the ripple left behind.

“I’m not sure I like to hear you talk like that,” I say, letting the rest of my stones fall to my feet.

I step close to him, our toes almost touching, and I reach for his hand, taking the fingertips in my right, then reaching for his other hand with my left. Will threads our fingers together, bringing our tethered hands between us, linked.

“You know what went through my mind first? When I saw her…before she even said anything, but I knew…I just knew she was sick again.” he says. “You know what I thought?”