Hold My Heart (30 page)

“The night at the TLQ. I lied. I wanted you too.”

I can’t believe it. Just like that, I’m grinning like an idiot. “Really?”

“Yeah.” Her sad smile returns. She finally looks at me.
Really
looks at me and sees my expression.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t want to leave you. I didn’t. But you brought me back. You saved me,” she whispers as her beautiful eyes drink me in. Her little nose is red from crying, her lips calling to be kissed. I can’t move my eyes from them.

Before I realize it, I bring my lips to hers. I kiss her tenderly, reverently. I can’t believe I’m lying with her in my arms. She responds to my kiss, more urgently, like she’s afraid I’ll disappear. Our kiss turns hungry, and I need inside her. My tongue caresses her soft full lips, and she opens up for me. It’s like tasting heaven.

I press her to me, trying to take her in, make her part of me. We’re still lying on our sides, our legs intertwined. I cradle her head in my bicep while I caress her long, soft hair, my other hand trailing up her thigh just under her large T-shirt. A soft moan escapes her mouth right into mine. Hearing her moan does it. I lose all control.

I turn her on her back, and hold myself up on top of her. I get up on my knees and pull off my T-shirt. She lies there like an angel, her hair framing her beautiful face. Her eyes are puffy from crying, but her smile is radiant. She appraises my chest, as she brings her hands up to touch me. She caresses my torso with the lightest touch, as if she can’t believe I’m real. I lie back down on top of her, and our eyes meet. I lean down and kiss her again, getting lost in her. She breaks the kiss, cradling my face and meeting my eyes.

“Are you sure this time?” She’s still afraid. I’ve never been more sure of anything in my entire life.

“Absolutely,” I say as I smile, eyeing her big shirt.

She laughs once she follows my gaze. I’m still on top of her, my biceps straining from holding myself up with my forearms, on each side of her shoulders.

“You’ve always been so impatient,” she says, a sultry tone in her voice.

God, I just got even harder if that’s possible. No shit, I’m impatient. I’ve waited for this for eight years. Her smile falters when she catches my tattoo. The one I wanted to surprise her with. It’s all done. It’s in Farsi. She just stares at it, bringing her fingers up to delicately trace it. Jesus, my dick twitches at just her touch on my skin.

Her eyes look straight into my soul as she whispers, “She holds my heart.”

God, she blows me away. “Do you like it?”

She shyly nods.

I see the question in her beautiful whiskey eyes. “Yes, that’s you, my Lily.”

Her face lights up with a big grin, her eyes still focused on my tattoo. Her touch is a soothing balm on my burning skin. Jesus, I may come in my jeans.

Her gorgeous brow furrows as she peers up at me. “Wait. Is that why you picked Tom Hardy for me?” she asks, playfully.

I had completely forgotten about that! “You never did answer us. Come on, Lil, which Tom had you picked?”

She pauses as she holds my face in her hands. Beaming, she answers, breathlessly, “Colton.”

Fuck me
. That’s it.

I come down, devouring her mouth with mine, tasting her, as I always wanted to ever since I can remember. I kiss her jaw, down her neck, feeling her moan deep in her throat. Holding myself up with one arm as not to crush her, I undo my jeans. She pushes me away from her, and I come up to my knees again. She sits up facing me, and without breaking eye contact, she painstakingly slowly removes her T-shirt, pulling it over her head as I watch. Christ. She’s wearing nothing but a pair of lacy panties. She’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. And she’s here, with me.

Then I see it. Her scar. And I want to weep. I bring my fingers to her side and I carefully touch it, afraid I will hurt her.

“Fucking Christ, Lil. I'm so—” She silences me with her index finger.

“Stop. I'm fine. Get naked. Now.” I'm still struggling, but one look at her smile and I just want to make her happy.

“Yes, ma'am.”

I take my jeans and boxers off as fast as I can, until there’s only her underwear between the two of us. I have the overwhelming desire to kiss every single part of her body. I start with her lips and work my way down her chest. Her breasts are beautiful, her nipples begging me for attention. I tend to each one, showing her with my lips, my tongue, my hands, how much I love her. Her hands caress my hair, her shallow breathing increasing as she arches her back, pushing herself into me. I continue down, kissing, tasting, worshiping her, paying extra attention to her scar as I grab her hips and remove the last barrier between us. I can’t help myself. I have to taste her. Greedily, I lick and suck her core, making her
mine
.

She was always meant to be mine, and I can’t believe what a lucky son of a bitch I am to have her. As she pushes up against my mouth, I take in everything she gives me. I’m hungry for her; I want to feel her release. Her body struggles against me, but I hold her in place until she pulls my hair. As I look up, I see her explode. Her back arching off the bed, her head thrown back, eyes closed and lips parted as she comes, screaming the one thing that’s my undoing: “God, Tommy!”

My heart bursts with joy. I raise myself and watch her hazed, half-lidded eyes trying to focus on my face. She smiles lazily at me, fully sated. I need inside. Then, her face fills with sadness and she frowns.

“Tommy, I don’t have protection, I’m sorry—”

“It’s okay,” I whisper against her lips, “I do.”

Before she can even miss me, I pull my wallet out of my pants’ pocket, open the packet, and take care of protecting us. I devour her mouth with mine again, trying to take her all in as I push myself into her in one swift thrust, and I know at that moment that I am home.

“God, Lil.” I groan against her lips.

I’m about to lose it. I rest my forehead against hers, trying to get my bearings. I shut my eyes and don’t move a muscle, trying to concentrate, but she’s not helping. She’s so tight and feels so good. She caresses my face as her legs wrap around my hips, her ankles locking me against her. Painfully, I slowly begin to move, stopping every few, slow thrusts to bide my time. I want to savor this moment, savor her. I know my life will never be the same.

I’m still resting my forehead on hers, when she quietly whispers, “What’s wrong?”

I’ve stopped moving. I don’t want this to end.

“Nothing is wrong. I’ve never felt so right in my life.” My voice breaks with emotion and I feel so overwhelmed, like I just let out this secret I’ve been holding onto all my life. As our eyes meet, I see tears escaping the sides of her beautiful eyes, now darkened by our passion.

“Hey.” I kiss her tears as I start moving inside her. She kisses me with such sorrow and hunger, something in me knows she feels the same way I do. I want closer, so I bring my arms down to my elbows reaching to cradle her head in my hands as she embraces me.

She’s wrapped around me; our bodies and mouths are fully connected, the feel of her skin on mine sending me into overdrive. I pick up the pace and lose myself inside her. My hips pump faster until I can’t contain it anymore. I’m so close. All it takes is for our eyes to meet as she pushes my face up. We lock gazes, and her expression unravels me in a thousand pieces as I make her mine.

“Lil!” I growl in ecstasy.

I fall on top of her completely exhausted and emotionally drained. It’s never been like this with anyone.
Ever
.

She hugs me against her, as she softly whispers in my ear, “I’ve missed you so much.”

I just embrace her, burying my face in her neck. Now that I’ve found my home, I’m never letting go.

Chapter 36

It’s been about a month and a half since Tommy and I officially became an
us
. No less than a week after our first time, he began bringing his stuff over and by the time I realized it, he had practically moved in. Clever man. He’s still a work in progress in the boyfriend department. I try not to dwell on how much time we wasted not being together. But that’s the thing. Had he not turned me down that night all those years ago, I wouldn’t be here today, completely and totally in love with my best friend.

He hasn’t asked about those months I went missing and I don't want to talk about it. I’ve never hidden anything from Tommy, but I’m not sure he’s ready to hear about what happened to me when I was gone or rather, where I went. Which at this point, I’m not even sure if I dreamt the whole thing. One of the first things I did was check my pictures. My phone had been wiped out. I’m not sure how it happened, but all my information was gone.

Same goes with work. Nelson was in charge of my missing agent case. I know he still has a hundred questions for me, but I keep telling him I don’t remember. I’ve even learned to school my expression when he tries to jog my memory. He’s gone as far as showing me pictures of the scene, complete with crimson stains in the snow and the markings where our bodies were found. All I do is shake my head, claim a headache, and walk away. He won’t let up that easy. I should know; he’s just like me. Rational, logical, and he won’t stop until he finds the answers he’s searching for.

The history of the women in my life remains unchanged. Sue Harper did commit suicide, and my grandmother did disappear under undetermined circumstances. I’ve done a little bit of digging and located my grandmother’s records; Albert Simmons was listed as her guardian, which means Doc was my great-great grandfather. Al Jr. never came back from the war. I’m still not sure about what went on between my grandmother and my mother, but now that I finally know the meaning of happiness, I’m not going to do anything to spoil that. They can wait for now.

The farm—which currently belongs to a corporation—is run by a family. I couldn’t find anything on Will. God, Will. That’s something else I cannot talk to anyone about, especially Tommy.

Will is still with me. He shows up in my dreams. Like the one I had last night. I honestly don’t know what to make of them. Last night was the most disturbing dream of all. I was despondent, defeated, and heartbroken. In the dream, being without Will had made me downright suicidal. I was about to take my own life, when Tommy’s favorite way to wake me up in the morning startled me from my sleep.

His touch pushed my nightmare deep to the back of my mind. I’m determined to enjoy the hint of happiness I’ve found with Tommy. I won’t give that up just yet, although eventually I will have to face what happened to me and get to the bottom of it. If the nightmares continue, it will have to be soon.

“Honey, I’m home!” Tommy announces as he walks in with takeout.

Tonight is our night to host dinner. We get together with Nelson and Chris when we can, and each of us takes turns hosting. I hate cooking and so does Tommy, so takeout it is. This time we’re hosting on a weeknight.

“Hi.” I’m in the kitchen getting our dishes ready.

“Wow, new dishes!” he says, knowing very well they are new.

“Yes, new. I ended up having to buy all new dishes since my psycho ex-partner trashed all mine,” I answer as he smiles and leans in to kiss me. “You’re such an asshole.” His grin gets even bigger.

I start searching the bags he just brought in. I know how he thinks, and we talked about this. Today is my birthday and I want no part of it.

“There’s no cake, I promised, remember?” He’s disappointed I don’t trust him.

“I know you did, but Chris didn’t. I don’t want any surprises.” I hate celebrating my birthday, and I hate surprises. Tommy knows that, but Chris doesn’t. She insisted we get together tonight and that she should host, but I knew better. She would have invited the entire bureau, and I won’t have any of it. Tommy had better keep her in line or he’ll suffer the consequences.

He must have read my thoughts. “I talked to Chris, she won’t try anything, or she’ll have to answer to me all right? Now, how can I help?” He stands next to me in the kitchen, looking for something to do.

“Well, you can work on those boxes full of crap you keep bringing over.” I walk from the kitchen to the corner of my living room, stacked with boxes Tommy keeps stashing.

“Why?” he asks, incredulously.

I turn, astonished. “Why? Move in or out, Colton, but you can’t leave your shit lying around.”

He groans like a little kid. He still has his apartment up north, but keeps bringing stuff over.

I start moving the boxes into the spare bedroom before Chris and Nelson come over, and as I do, a picture falls off the bottom of one of the boxes. I pick it up. Bringing it closer to examine it, I notice it’s a picture of me. A picture I don't remember. Before I can ask, he comes up behind me and puts his strong arms around my waist as he kisses my neck, looking over my shoulder.

“Where did you get this picture?” I ask. I’ve never seen it. It’s a close-up of me, smiling at the camera.

“Our last stakeout.”

I just stare at the worn, wrinkled up picture.

“At the post office?” he adds as he trails kisses down my shoulder and grinds his hips against me from behind. I can’t fight my grin.

“You stalker,” I tease as I finally remember the picture. “Why did you keep this?” It’s not my best picture.

“Because you were smiling after you told me you loved me.”

I’m affronted. “What? I didn’t say that, I’m sure I didn’t say that.” I turn to face him, grinning widely as he holds me close.

“Yes, you did. You said, and I quote, ‘You’re such an asshole.’”

I frown.

“See, Lil, that’s your code for telling me you love me.”

He leans over and starts placing butterfly kisses all over my face and mouth. “So technically,” he kisses my forehead, “the way I figured it,” he kisses the tip of my nose, “you’ve been telling me you love me ever since we met.” He continues to kiss me, getting sidetracked, his hands wandering down and grabbing my ass as he buries his face in my neck.

I burst into laughter because I’ll be damned. He’s right.

“Well, if that’s the case, get used to hearing it dozens of times a day, especially this week if these boxes don’t get picked up.” He groans as he chuckles against my neck.

“I think you’ll be hearing that from me until the day you die, actually.”

He snaps his head up and he pierces me with his emerald gaze. “I fucking hope so.” His voice is husky as he greedily takes my mouth. He begins to groan against my lips, and I know where he’s going with this. I have to put a stop to it. Chris and Nelson will be here in less than half an hour. I push him away by pressing my palms against his solid chest.

“We can’t, they’ll be here soon,” I say and he lets his head drop back.

“Come on, Lil, you need to relax. We got time.”

Relax?
“Really?” I grin. “You need some new lines, Colton,” I say as his lips curve upward in that smile I know all too well. His panty-dropping smile. And it's only for me.

Dammit. I can’t say no to that smile. “Okay. But we better make it quick then.”

His voice is low, nearly a whisper, as he says, “Lil, one thing I’m not is
speedy
.”

He leans in, his mouth consumes mine, and I'm hopelessly lost to him.

قلب

Nelson and Chris arrive right on time, Chris complaining about our dinner not being homemade. She still pushes her luck by bringing a cake. She’s not crazy, so she doesn’t insist when I refuse to blow out candles and make a wish. Instead, she just cuts the cake and we enjoy each other’s company. She does get away with making me wear this little crown that says
Birthday Girl
. Just for her, I wear it. She’s been an amazing friend, and if this makes her happy, then so be it.

We drink, laugh, and joke with one another. Somewhere along the way, we’ve become a foursome. Our get-togethers end up with Chris trying to get me buzzed and make me dance around like an idiot, just like she used to back in Northwestern.

Tonight, Tommy and Chris are way ahead of us, already blasting the stereo and singing into their beer bottles. Dear Lord. All Nelson and I can do is sit back and let them make fools of themselves.

“Come on, Ileana, do one song with us!” Chris yells at me while jumping around the living room.

“No thanks, I’m good. You guys are doing great though.” Stringing her along works, she’ll forget about me soon.

Just then, Nelson’s cell goes off so he heads to the kitchen for privacy in order to answer it.

Chris and Tommy are focusing on some kind of lip-sync battle as if that’s better than listening to them sing along. Well, then again, it is.

“Harper.” Turning to Nelson, my smile falters. His expression and grim tone give me pause, as he signals for me to join him in the kitchen away from Tommy and Chris. Both are oblivious to Nelson’s phone call.

“What’s wrong?”

Nelson doesn’t sugar coat it. “That was the Bloomingfield police department. I told them to call me if they ever got any reports of disturbances in the area since I’m working your case.”

“And?” My heart is racing inside of my chest, blood pounding in my ears. I’m trying to keep the anxiety from slipping through by controlling my breathing and maintaining a causal tone.

“They got a report of lights out on the field last night and went to check it out today. They found a burnt mark.”

My mind is reeling from what Nelson just revealed. It’s probably nothing. I try to stay calm. It’s spring; storms in Illinois are very common. It was probably lightning.

“Should we go down and check it out tomorrow?” Nelson asks.

I nod. We need to, just to make sure.

I can barely register Nelson’s revelation when there’s a loud knock on my door. Heading for the door, I signal to Chris to lower the volume. Tommy and Chris are being too loud for a weeknight.

“You guys have done it now. The neighbors probably complained about all that noise!” I yell back at them, as I reach for the doorknob, expecting to see one of my neighbors.

I open my door and nothing prepares me for who is standing on my doorstep.

Will.

I can’t move. This can’t be real.
He
isn’t real.

My mouth opens but no sounds come out. Everything around me disappears as my gaze locks with his sad, intense blue eyes. He looks disheveled, dried blood tricking down his nose and chin. My throat is tight. My head is going to burst, like a thermometer that has reached the boiling point. I can’t breathe. I’m gaping like a fish out of water, retreating from the door shaking my head. Panic overwhelms me.

No, No, No. You’re not real.
But nothing comes from my lips.

“Lil, what is it?
Lil
!” The last thing I hear is Tommy screaming my name as the room spins out of control and darkness envelops me.