Hold On (Delos Series Book 5) (26 page)

He nodded, helping her by adding the strawberry jam to her toast. “How do you feel about that?” He saw Callie’s eyes grow teary for a moment and then the tears were gone.

“I want to go home.” Her voice quavered and she shook her head. “I told Maggie I need home. I can’t stay here anymore, Beau.”

Relief raced through him, but he kept his reaction to himself, weighing the fragility in her expression and hearing the pain in her voice. “How did she take it?”

“She understood.”

“Will you work for the Hope Charity stateside then?” Because right now, Beau felt strongly that Callie needed the safety, the constancy, of her family and the ranch she grew up on to help her work through this experience.

“No, I quit.” She shrugged her left shoulder. “I’ve never done something like that before, Beau. Right now, I just need home. Family. Time to figure out what I’m doing. I thought I knew . . .”

“I agree,” he said quietly. “Was Maggie upset with your decision?” Beau hoped not.

“No, she was fine. She said she understood completely.”

“Did she leave the door open for you to go back to work for the charity again if you want?”

“She did,” Callie said.

Beau smiled a little and took her fork, putting a load of scrambled eggs on it. “Open that pretty mouth of yours. You need protein.”

It was such an intimate pleasure to feed Callie. She had been pushing that fork around in the steaming scrambled eggs but not eating them, and Beau knew she needed to eat or else. There was that warm connection shimmering between them once more. He could feel it. And he could see the relief in Callie’s eyes as he spoon-fed her the breakfast. When she’d finished the eggs, he pulled off chunks of toast, handing them to her.

Yes, this one event was life-changing, and it scared him, because he wondered if, somewhere down the road, Callie would walk away from him, too.

“Could we go to the Eagle’s Nest, Beau, after breakfast? Dr. Bartel has released me and I want to spend whatever time is left here with you.”

“Sure,” he murmured. “We can do that. I’m not due back at HQ until 0900 tomorrow morning.”

She wiped her hand on the paper napkin he offered her after eating both pieces of toast. “Thanks,” she whispered.

“When do you think you’ll be going home to Montana?”

“I’m not sure yet. I got a call from Dara, who’s looking into it for both of us. She has to get back to work at her residency in Alexandria, Virginia.”

“But you’d fly home to Montana. Right?”

“Yes.”

“Gonna be cold and snowing there, gal,” he teased, removing the tray. He’d poured her a mug of coffee, and she gratefully lifted it with her left hand.

“I know, but that’s okay. I’ll be home.” Because right now, home was
safe
.

“And that’s the right place for you right now,” Beau agreed. He heard the tenor of her voice and understood that the Montana ranch and love and people who would support Callie while she worked through her trauma.

Beau wished more than anything that he could be there. He ached to be with her, but he saw no possible way for it to happen.

By 1100, Callie had been released from the hospital and Beau had driven her over to the warehouse where Eagle’s Nest One and Two were located. Once he had walked her to the second-story apartment, she asked him if Dara and Matt were in the other unit. They were. She asked if Beau would go get Dara because she needed to talk to her.

Dara came to see her about fifteen minutes later, alone. “Beau and Matt are having coffee down at the cafeteria,” she told Callie, shutting the door. “You look better this morning,” she said, coming over and sitting with her on the leather couch.

“Thanks,” Callie admitted, “but inside I feel shattered, Dara. I can’t explain it. I wanted to talk to you because you know me so well.”

Dara came and sat next to her on the couch, tucking one leg beneath her, facing Callie. Placing her hand on her sister’s shoulder, Dara said softly, “Hey, you’ve been through hell. And I’m sure you’re feeling like you’re going crazy inside.”

Callie moved her hand across her stomach. It would sometimes roll with nausea before settling down once more. “There are times when I feel like vomiting, Dara. It hits me out of nowhere. I’m not thinking about it or anything else, it just hits me like a bolt out of the blue.”

“It’s called a vagus nerve response, and it’s your emotional reaction to the trauma working its way out of you,” Dara said. “Everyone handles trauma differently. Some people get nausea. Others vomit. Some faint. All of it’s a normal reaction to terror and feeling like you’re going to die, Callie.”

With a grimace, Callie grumped, “Great. Just what I wanted to hear. How long does it last, Dara?”

“Usually a week or two at the most. It just goes away on its own.”

“How are
you
doing this morning, Dara?” Callie asked, noticing that her sister looked at peace. There was an aura of stability and happiness around her, and the shadows beneath her sister’s eyes were gone. Her mouth was soft and relaxed.

“Much better. Getting a good night’s sleep in Matt’s arms really helped.”

“Good. Because I’m feeling horribly guilty about telling you that it was safe for us to go out to that village, Dara.” Callie gripped her sister’s hand. “I’m so sorry I pushed you into going with us.” Her voice broke, her hand tightening around Dara’s fingers.

“Oh, Callie,” Dara whispered, gently squeezing her sister’s hand,” I don’t blame you. How on earth could you have known it was going to happen? You’d been going out to that village four times a year for years, and it was always safe.” She looked at Callie and firmly told her, “Do not blame yourself, okay? I don’t blame you at all. It was my call to go or not, and I made it.”

“Really? You’re not angry with me about all this?” Callie whispered, wiping her eyes. She was so grateful seeing Dara’s face shining with love for her.

“Silly goose!” Dara said, ruffling her red hair. “I would never blame you for this!”

“W-what do Mom and Dad think? Are they blaming me?”

Dara shook her head. “No, not at all. I was able to explain the course of events to them during the phone call. How could they blame you, Callie? If anything, they’re so relieved we’re both alive and safe, nothing else matters.”

“And Grandpa? Grandma?”

“They’re overjoyed we’re alive and safe. You’re such a worrywart! You’re going to win the title from me! Everyone wants you home so they can show you how much they love you.”

“I’m sure they want to see you too,” Callie put in shyly.

“Of course, but I have to get back to work first. I’m fine, really.”

“But what about Christmas? It’ll be here soon . . .”

“I know. And before all this happened, Matt was getting thirty days’ leave to go home and see his family in Alexandra, Virginia. He asked me over a week ago if I wanted to see him on leave, and I told him, ‘Of course!’ He invited me to be with him at their family Christmas dinner, and I said, ‘Yes, absolutely.’”

“Oh,” Callie whispered, disappointed. “Then you won’t be home with us?”

Frowning, Dara said, “I’m going to talk to Matt about spending two weeks of his leave with his family and then maybe flying home for a week to be with all of you. We had already planned a short vacation in Hawaii for the last week. I really want everyone in our family to meet him anyway. It’s a perfect time to do it.”

“That sounds good,” Callie agreed, some of her sadness lifting. “I’d love to have you at home, even if it’s after Christmas and only for a week.”

“Me, too, but I get two weeks of vacation starting January first and not before that. It would be the ideal time for Matt and me to fly to Montana and be with all of you for that week.” She patted Callie’s hand. “But let’s see. I have to talk to Matt first. He’s got a huge Turkish-Greek-American family flying in. The whole family is going to be there at his parents’ home until mid-January. I don’t know what other plans are in the offing, so I’ll check with him about this the first chance I get.”

“But if Matt couldn’t come with you, would you come home anyway?”

“Of course I would, Callie. I miss everyone, too.” Dara smiled gently. “What about you and Beau? I know there’s something serious going on between you two.”

Pain pierced Callie’s heart. “I’m falling in love with him, Dara. Please don’t tell him that, though, because I’ve never said anything to him about it.”

Dara’s smile grew, and she confided, “That’s so wonderful! Matt said Beau is serious about you. He’s never seen him this serious about a woman before.”

“Yes, but he’s stuck here at Bagram. I’m going home. It’s Christmas, and I wish so much that he could come home and be with me in Montana.”

“Have you told him that?”

Lifting her head, Callie looked around the quiet apartment. “I thought if I could get Beau here to the Nest, I’d ask him, but I don’t know if there’s anything he can do about it. Seems his captain is keeping him here at Bagram for eight weeks while he heals up from that bullet wound.”

“Then,” Dara urged her, holding her worried gaze, “you need to ask Beau if there are any other ways they might allow him to come to Montana to be with you.”

“My God, we’ve been through so much in a short amount of time, Dara. I’ve come unglued. I’m not thinking clearly. Not like I used to . . .”

Nodding, Dara said, “Yes, I understand and it’s because of the shock you’re in right now. But couldn’t you tell Beau something so he knows how important he is to you? You’ve never been one to be afraid to ask for what you want, Callie.” She smiled a little. “Don’t be shy about this, okay?”

Giving a jerky nod, Callie whispered, “Okay . . . I’ll think about it . . .”

B
eau sat down
with Matt Culver in a quiet corner of the chow hall. While Dara visited Callie, they decided to get breakfast and coffee. He laid out the whole story of his run to get Callie back to safety to his team leader from beginning to end.

Matt rubbed his beard and leaned back in the chair after he finished. “You did the right thing, Beau,” he said. “But I don’t know if Callie could ever appreciate the decisions you had to make, and why you had to make them the way you did. I’m sure she was scared out of her mind. I saw it often in Dara. They’re civilians. They live in a fairly safe society where bullets aren’t flying every day. They aren’t used to being hunted.”

With a grimace, Beau nodded.

“She moved and she made a target of herself,” Matt added. “That’s what tipped your whole plan into chaos. If she’d stayed unmoving, those two riders would probably not have seen her at all. But horses are good at detecting the least movement, and she made a bad choice.”

“Yeah,” he muttered, “I know it, but I’d be damned if I’d bring that up to her. She’s already feeling a ton of guilt about talking Dara into coming with her to that village.”

“Better left unsaid,” Matt agreed, frowning. He shook his head. “She still trusts you, though, and that’s important.”

“But that could change.”

Shrugging, he said, “Yes, I suppose it could. How is she feeling right now?”

“I’m no shrink, but to me, she’s fragile and barely holding it together.”

“That’s not unusual,” Matt said. “At least she wasn’t raped. She had the shit beaten out of her and got a broken arm, but the worst didn’t happen.”

“I have no experience with a woman who’s had the tar beaten out of her, Matt. You read in the newspapers about domestic abuse and assault, but to actually see it is a whole different story. I mean, we see how the women and children of an Afghan village react to abuse, which is exactly how Callie is reacting now.”

“Trauma is trauma,” Matt said, somber. “Dara had her share of it, but she was never assaulted by the Taliban like Callie was. There’s a huge difference between being chased and never catching sight of the enemy, and having the enemy capture and almost kill you.”

“It’s a very big difference,” Beau muttered. “I don’t know what to do for her or say to her, Matt. She doesn’t want to be touched by any man, other than me.”

“Because you’ve proved she can trust you. Hell, Beau, I’m no shrink, but your heart’s in the mix and so is hers, whether either of you realizes it or not.”

“I’m afraid I’ll do or say the wrong thing. I mean, what the hell is the right thing to say to her? That everything will be fine? I don’t know that, and you know we don’t go around promising things we can’t deliver.”

Matt shook his head. “I know. I don’t have any words of wisdom to impart to you, bro. I wish to hell I did. I’ve got my hands full with Dara and her post-traumatic reactions. It’s dicey for both of us, but in different ways. I think you have a rougher path to follow than we do.”

Beau felt the weight of the challenges settling around his shoulders. “At this point, I’d rather be facing Taliban hordes than dealing with this situation with Callie.”

Matt eyed him. “Do you love her, Beau?”

The words were spoken so quietly that it caught Beau off guard. Matt’s expression was open, and he wasn’t wearing his game face. Beau said, “Yes, I’m falling in love with her. It started from the moment I saw her belly dancing in that show in the chow hall. Nothing’s changed in my attitude toward her since that time.”

“Then,” Matt counseled, “the best thing you can do is keep doing it.”

“We’ve not even admitted it to one another, much less talked about it. She’s never said those words to me, either. I’m pretty sure she does love me, because of things she’s said, but until I hear it . . . I’m not taking anything for granted.”

“Hey, pardner. I saw her studying you at the orphanage when you didn’t realize she was watching you. What I saw in her eyes was a woman very interested in what her man was doing.”

“I hope so. Sometimes, I see her giving me a look that I swear is love, but she’s never said it out loud to me.” Beau had known Matt Culver for five years, and he trusted his judgment of things.

“When you love someone, a touch, a kind word, a look, can give them everything they need from you. It’s not a good time to broach the topic with her, I agree. Let her tell you what you can do to help her. Ask Callie a lot of questions, Beau. That will keep you from making those damned assumptions about what she’s feeling. You will know exactly what she needs and how she responds.”