Holding Her Close (Bits and Bytes, Book 0) (Bits & Bytes) (17 page)

Rae pulled a pint of ice cream from the freezer. She stared at it for a moment before deciding brownie chunks and chocolate chip cookie dough would only make her more ill, and put it away again. How long would it take to get over him this time? To convince herself she had made the decision because it was practical and not out of spite or something else?

The doorbell rang and she
jumped in surprise. Who the hell was visiting her? She hadn’t exactly been social or picked up any friends over the past year.

Her stomach flopped when she saw Zach on the other side. Despite the voice screaming in her head to let him sit out there and rot, she opened the door.

He looked her over, one eyebrow raised. “Did I wake you?”

She glanced down, flushing when she remembered she was already in pajama bottoms and a T
-shirt. “No. This is just around the house stuff. If Alice gave you my home address, she's fired.”

His confident smile was gone, replaced with something more genuine. There was an upturn to his eyes and his cheeks didn't look frozen in place.
“No. I kind of, um, Chloe gave it to me.”

“
Glad to know she can be trusted with my private information.” She wanted to be furious with her sister, but a spreading warmth inside wouldn’t let her. She turned away, not closing the door or inviting him in. Let him decide what he was doing.

“
I talked to Scott after lunch.” His casual tone wavered. “He said to tell you he’s sorry for anything ever, and he misses you terribly.”

It was a nice thing to hear, but it wasn’t quite what she needed.
She wandered into the kitchen, instinct driving her to be a polite hostess. Or at least, she tried to convince herself it wasn't because she cared if he was comfortable. “Just him?”

“
Nice place.” His voice stayed close. “And I'm not answering that yet.”

She shrugged and grabbed a Mountain Dew out of the fridge and set it in front of him. She pulled a Diet Coke for herself. A year ago she
’d been furious at Scott, but that had faded. “Why are you here?” she asked.

He slid onto a bar stool.
“Not to fight. I know we do that really well, but I was kind of hoping we could just talk.”

She took swallow of her drink
. She wasn't going to enjoy this conversation. Not at all. In fact, she was furious he was still there. “I'm listening. You can start any time.”

“
Not quite what I had in mind.” He pulled a lighter from his pocket and spun it on the Formica counter, watching it twirl. “I was hoping we could be pleasant instead of defensive.”

Of course he was. That was the way all business transactions worked, right?
“Kind of like what you pulled this afternoon? Flustering and confounding me until I was almost ready to beg for answers?”

“
You wanted all business, I kept it all business.” He looked at her for a moment before pulling his gaze away. “But I am sorry. It sounded clever in my head to try and catch you off-guard, but I shouldn’t have done it.”

She sighed and leaned back against the counter. What did he want her to do?
“I'm having a hard time keeping up. Maybe you could feed me my lines and this would be easier.”

Zach raised an eyebrow.
“Yeah, I guess it would be, wouldn't it?” His nails clacked against the side of his drink, a hollow clink echoing through the room. “How about this? I'm getting really tired of you deciding you can just walk out of my life without giving me a chance to plead my case.”

Great, now he was casting blame. She crossed her arms.
“So sorry to inconvenience you.”

“
But.” He held up his hand. “I suspect you're just as unhappy with me treating parts of our personal lives like an ongoing negotiation.”

Her shoulders slumped.
“Maybe.”

“
So, tell me why you actually left a year ago.”

She unhooked her arms, rested her palms on the counter, and pushed herself up to sit on it. Her feet kicked back and forth. The words weren’t there. Nothing seemed appropriate.
“I can't.”

“
Fair enough.” His voice sounded strained. “I'll tell you why I'm really here instead.” He kept talking when she didn't say anything. “After you left, things fell apart. I mean, really bad. Scott was sporting a black eye for a week.”

“
Wait, what?” She hadn't expected that. How had her leaving gotten Scott bruised?

He gave her a sheepish smile.
“He's big, but I'm fast. I was furious about what he said to you.”

Rae didn't know if she was more disturbed, flattered, or amused by the imagery. She pushed back the sentimental part
of her that liked the chivalry.

“
Don't read too much into it.” He traced circles around his can top. “It took Scott months to convince me we needed you back.”

The information hurt, but she knew she deserved it.
“What changed your mind?”

“
I told you everything fell apart.” He dropped his chin into the palm of one hand. “Everything I said at lunch was true, I just left out a couple tiny details.”

So
he really didn't want her back because he missed her. She shouldn't be hurt. It's what she was pretending she wanted to hear. “What kind of details?”

He paused for a few moments.
“The thing is we've eaten through our distribution and advertising budgets. I blew the last of it on E3.”

She looked at him skeptically.

“I couldn't help it. It's our big chance to get everything back.”

“
We had this conversation at lunch. There are a lot of people out there who could do the job. I'm not the only one.”

“
Yeah, you are.” He looked at her, hurt and pleading in his eyes.

“
I have a hard time believing that.” She jumped from the counter, toe tapping on the linoleum.

He
twisted the pop top on his can until it came off. He rolled it between his fingers, eyes never leaving the aluminum trinket. “And we miss you. I miss you.”

She kept quiet, trying to ignore her hammering heart.

He never looked up. “Don't think I'm here because I have a crush I can't sate. It works in my favor I love the woman who can save our company, but I wouldn't be asking you to do this if I doubted your skill.”

Did he just? No. Damn it she didn't want to hear that. Or to acknowledge the part of her
grabbing the confession and clinging to it.

“
I don't have any delusions about you jumping into my arms and returning the sentiment.” He gave a bitter laugh. “But since I asked for honesty, I figure you deserve the same.”

She hated the hope and the need and the desire that all wanted to hold onto what he was saying.
“If I come back, it will be because I believe in what you're doing, not because I see a future with…” she couldn’t finish the sentence. “Anyone.”

Zach frowned.
“I can accept that. It'll hurt, but at least we'll get to keep Rinslet.”

“
How do I know…” She ducked her head, measuring her words carefully. “How do you know any of this is a good idea? What makes you think I can fix it? What makes you think you lo—” she choked on the word, “like me?”

He shrugged.
“I don't know. I mean, neither one is certain, but you made the figures work last time, so I have faith you can do it again. As for you and me… There's a spark, right? It's not just physical. You make me think, you drag a passion out of me I try hard to hide, and when we're not screaming at each other, I really enjoy your company. You’re not like anyone I’ve ever met, including the little girl you were back in the day.”

She didn't know how to respond to the confession. Part of her understood exactly what he was saying. Deep down, she felt the same way about him
, but she struggled with how much of her reaction was genuine and how much was clinging to what she wanted to hear. She gave him the only answer she could think of. “I'll take a look at your books again. I don't promise anything and I won't take the job if I can't help, but I'll see what I can do.”

“
How long will it take?” He pulled a USB stick from his pocket and set it next to his lighter.

“
I, um…” She hadn't meant right then, but she didn't want to tell him no. Something inside wanted him to stick around a little longer. “It depends on how much has changed. An hour to take it all in, at least.”

“
I'm in town at least until tomorrow afternoon. I know you have work, but is there any way…?”

She pulled the USB drive off the counter, turning it back and forth between her fingers.
“What are you doing tonight?”

Zach gave her a half smile.
“Going back to my hotel. Seeing what’s on HBO.”

She couldn’t believe she was about to do this
, but it felt more right than any decision she’d made in a long time. “Do you want to hang out here? I’ve got HBO.”

****

Rae's face scrunched up and she blinked, trying to get some moisture back in her eyes. The glow from the computer screen exaggerated the shadows in the dim kitchen. It didn't matter how many times she rearranged the numbers. The money wasn't there.

She leaned back in the chair and stretched, T
-shirt creeping up her stomach. She pulled it down when she sat up again. An hour had turned into four. Stubbornness wouldn’t let her give up, but it wasn’t giving her the answers, either.

Zach looked up from his seat on the couch. He’d hovered when she first started, but she’d made him go sit down. It didn’t keep him from glancing in her direction every few minutes.

He gave her a weak smile and crossed the room to her fridge. A second glow whispered through the darkness when he opened the door, illuminating his wrinkled shirt.

She studied the way his arms and back moved under the fabric, looking away before the memories could resurface. Part of the delay in her work was because she kept replaying his words over and over in her head. She was starting to believe she felt the same way,
and it terrified her she was considering surrendering herself.

He crossed the room and set a can on the table.
“How does it look?”

She tried to ignore the tingle when his hand brushed her
arm, and the twinge of disappointment when he stepped back. She took a long swallow of the cold coffee drink. “Same as last time you asked. And the time before. And always. It looks like two rich kids who don't understand the concept of restricted spending have blown through your advertising budget six months faster than they should have.”

A hint of laughter traced his sigh.
“Yeah, that sounds about right.” He leaned over her, chest brushing her shoulder. “Those are the numbers?”

She nodded, glum spreading through her.
“Look at it this way. If one of you mortgages your house, you should be able to pay for some direct mail, or maybe a couple of pop-up ads.”

“
Really?” he teased. “Scott's, definitely, since mine is home base.”

She giggled.
“Nice.”

He turned, face inches from hers.
“I’ve missed your laugh.”

A pulse of want raced over her and she pushed away, chair almost topping. She hoped the dim light would hide her flush. The conflict inside gnawed at her exhaustion.
“Don't.”

The corners of his mouth pulled down, eyes sliding over her face.
“So I’m really the only one this is killing.”

In her gut, irritation churned with regret and longing.
“I… I’m sorry.”

He crossed his arms, expression hardening.
“Just make the numbers work. That's what I'm supposed to say now, right?”

When he turned away, emptiness throbbed inside her. She licked her lips, mouth suddenly dry.
“Wait.”

He didn't turn around.
“What?”

The chair's metal casters screeched on the tile when she stood. She closed the distance between them, but didn't dare touch him.
“I didn't... I just... I'm sorry.”

He shrugged, muscle rippling under skin along his back.
“We'll find the money somewhere.”

Her pain grew at the callous response.
“Not about that.”

Zach turned, hurt on his face.
“I can't do this. You push me away, you want me back, you lean closer, you pull away. I mean it when I say it’s devouring me. “

She swallowed and stepped forward. Resting a hand on his chest, she felt his heartbeat racing against her palm; he was as nervous as she was. She locked her gaze on his.
“Do you want to know why I left?”

He crossed his arms.
“You missed your cue. That was your line like five hours ago.”

She didn’t pull her gaze away. It ached to look him in the eye, but she had to let him know she was being sincere.
“I was terrified of losing myself in you. Back when we were in high school, I defined me by the fact you liked me. And even now, I feel empty without you.”