Holding Her in Madness

Holding Her in Madness Copyright © 2014 Kimber S. Dawn

Published by Kimber S. Dawn

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This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, places, events, and incidents are either the products of the author’s imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental. This book is licensed for your personal enjoyment only.

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Published: Kimber S. Dawn: March 2014
[email protected]

Editing: Mickey Reed

Cover Design © Cover design by Kari Ayasha of Cover to Cover Designs

Cover photo – Copyright © Sarah Genskow, SMMG Photography LLC

https://www.facebook.com/pages/SMMG-photography-LLC/

Custom Photo Shoot by Sarah Genskow with Cover Models Tianna Ohren @
https://www.facebook.com/pages/Tianna-Ohren-Pro-Staff-Model
and Joshua Gawrysiak @
https://www.facebook.com/gawrysiakmodeling

Formatting by:
Kassi Cooper @ Kassi’s Kandids- Formatting
http://kassiskandidsphotography.com

***This book is intended for mature audience members ONLY.***

Or some pussy-ass way of writing a damn letter to the ones who have read AWGM

What’s up? How the fuck are you doin’? I know. Probably worlds better than I am right now. Look, all right? I’ll fucking tell you like I told her. It ain’t gonna fix a fuckin’ thing, but I’ll say it…

I fucked up, okay? I fucked up and I know… I know I did. I let my little firecracker down so many goddamn times.

Fuck!

I know I don’t fucking deserve her, but I’ll be goddamned if I leave her again, and I’ll be even more fucking damned if I let what I deserve or don’t deserve in life keep me away from her. Period.

I told her that everything I touch, I fuck it up. Why the hell do you think I ran from her little ass all those years ago? I was trying to shut her out
before she got under my skin. But I couldn’t. She wouldn’t let me keep treating her like an irritating gnat.

Shit, I even told April I thought she was a narc. Damn, that was lifetimes ago... I’d give anything to go back and keep shit from falling apart. I would tell her dad to fuck off, just grab her up, and fucking run.

I never should have let her out of my car that night when we were kids. I could have protected her from fucking everything. From all of it...
Fuck
!

I’d ask where I went wrong, begging for an answer that would soothe this fucking terrible ache, this guilt that I’ve carried for decades. Even though I don’t deserve a break from my pain.

As for you, I know you think you know Lil now that you’ve read her story and walked in her shoes through this fucked-up life of hers. But until you hold a woman like Lil, until you stare into her drunken eyes, heavy from ecstasy while you’
re balls deep inside of Heaven, inside this woman that is so fucking unlike anyone else on this goddamn earth… Until you hold her shuddering body as her tears soak your shirt while she cries out for something even she doesn’t understand, just so long as it takes away her pain… Until you’ve been where I’ve been with Lil, you don’t truly know her.

Not like I fucking do.

That fateful May night, I felt the dread in the marrow of my bones. It really started that morning, another of my countless mistakes, I ignored the hair-raising sense of dread that hit me that morning. I was supposed to be on my way to Atlanta for some stupid fucking merger meeting between my company’s marketing department and another new upcoming marketing company.

I was hauling fucking ass from one terminal to another, trying like hell to catch my connecting flight from Houston to Atlanta, when it hit me like a motherfucking brick across the face. I stopped right where the fuck I was, assholes crashing into me from behind, cussing at me.

I took my ass to the nearest fucking ticket counter and asked for the next flight to get me back home. Shit, I’d been gone for almost three months straight. I hadn’t seen Lil in over six months—that she knew of. I’d still kept an eye on her. I just couldn’t fucking explain what the hell my eyes were seeing. She was so far gone, I couldn’t see a single thing in my wife that resembled the woman I had fallen in love with over twenty years ago. The woman I’d waited all my life for was truly and irrevocably fucking gone.

Do you know what it’s like as a fucking man to have to look at your wife and watch her all over these cheesy fuckers, drunk and high out of her goddamn mind, so fucking lost she’s beyond ever being found?

Oh, I knew what the fuck she was doing. I knew about the drugs and
ALL
the men. But I was such a fucking coward! I just walked away like I had all the other times. I told myself that at least she was happy; at least they made her smile. For more than a year after my boy died, I could only get her to look at me or speak to me when we were in the throes of passion.

I was a pussy, that’s what I was. I just wanted her to be happy, and she was only ever happy when I wasn’t home. Every time she looked at me, all she really saw was what could have been had our son lived. With me or my presence came memories of what should have been. And if there is one thing Lil and I have, it is a fucking world full of what-should-have-beens. There isn’t a fucking thing in this world worse than what should have been.

When the plane finally touched down, I drove like a motherfucking bat outta Hell to get home. Only, she wasn’t at home… Shit! She was never home. I couldn’t find her at any of her normal hangouts. I hit every bar and lounge up and down Common and Market Streets.

I called every goddamn five-star hotel within a hundred-mile radius and still couldn’t find her.

That’s when I got scared. I was sure that I was too late. I hadn’t been there when she’d needed me. I knew she’d finally done it. She’d taken her life and killed the love of mine… She’d killed my firecracker.

As far as I was concerned, I’d fucked up and all but handed her whatever drug or weapon she’d needed to get the job done. When she finally, really needed me, I’d been off being a pussy because I didn’t know how to take care of my own wife. I didn’t know how to bring her from the darkness and depth of misery she fed off.