Holding On (15 page)

I heard him mumble something, but I was already hitting End
Call. I
put
my
car
in
Drive
and
pulled
out
of
the
parking
lot.
Once
I
got home,
I
made
my
way
to
my
bedroom
to
drop
off
my
stuff
and
then immediately
went
into
the
bathroom
and
turned
on
the
shower.
My
skin
was still on fire, and I couldn’t stop thinking about Ethan or Brad.
This was
not
normal
behavior
for
me.
I
was
the
responsible
one.
I
put
my other priorities before relationships;
that’s
probably why I didn’t
really have
any.

I
stepped
under
the
spray
and
tried
to
rid
myself
of
the
random thoughts
that
I
was
having.
Will
he
kiss
me
again?
Do
I
want
him
to kiss
me
again?
What
will
I
say
to
him
in
class
tomorrow?
Am
I
trying
to replace Brad? Crap! I have to get this guy out of my
head.

After I got dressed, I settled at my desk to call Brad. I wasn’t
sure
what
I
was
going
to
say
to
him,
but
I
knew
that
I
needed
to
be
honest with
him.
He
didn’t
have
a
reason
to
ask
about
anything
specifically involving Ethan, but he knew me well enough to know if I was
hiding something. He always
knew.

“Hey,
so
how
was
your
first
day?”
he
asked.
It
should
have
been
an easy question to answer, but somehow it
wasn’t.

“It went fine, I guess,” I replied trying to sound unaffected by
my
day.
“How was your first day back? Did you find someone new to
walk with
to
class
yet?”
I
tried
my
best
to
tease
him,
and
I
hoped
it
came across the way I wanted it
to.

“Nope,
I
still
have
that
spot
reserved
for
you
if
your
skinny
butt
ever returns.” He was teasing. Good. “So did you make any friends
today?”

“Not really.” That wasn’t a complete
lie.

“That
does
not
sound
like
the
Becca
I
know.
You
are
the
easiest person to get along with. Did you even try to make any friends
today?” Busted! He really does know me too
well.

“I wanted to get a feel for the school
today,
ease myself into it.
I’ll make friends, and you know it. I just want to be invisible for a
while.”
That
was
the
complete
truth.
I
want
to
be
invisible
now
more
than anything.
I
want
to
put
myself
in
a
bubble
and
make
sure
that
no
one pops
it.

“I get it, I
guess.”

What else could he
say?

“I wish you could see this place,” I said, trying to change the
topic and
lighten
the
mood.
“The
campus
is
beautiful—huge
but
beautiful. Everything is so open. It has a beautiful view of the mountains.”

“It sounds
pretty.
Maybe I could come out and visit you for
spring
break?”
Brad
replied.
It
was
a
statement,
but
the
inflection
at
the
end made
it
sound
more
like
a
question.
He
wanted
to
come
and
visit
but wanted
me
to
invite
him.
I
wanted
him
to
come
and
visit
me,
but
I
knew if that happened, then I would have to let him go again. I didn’t want
to let him go last week, and I don’t want to let him go
now.
If he came
to visit, I was going to keep ripping my heart in
two.

“That
would
be
fun.
Do
you
think
your
parents
would
let
you
come visit?
You
know my mom won’t care.
We
have a spare bedroom so you wouldn’t
even
have
to
sleep
on
the
couch.”
I
exclaimed
excitedly.
I wanted to tell him the truth that I was scared of him visiting, but I
told him what I knew he would want to hear
instead.

“I’ll ask them this weekend and see how much tickets cost. I
have some money saved, so maybe they will split the cost with me.” I
could hear the excitement in his voice. I could see him smiling in my mind.
I could see his eyes shimmering and the gold around his irises
catching the
light.

“Sounds like a good plan. Call me this weekend, and let me
know what
they
say.
I
have
to
get
started
on
my
homework
before
I
fall
asleep standing up.” I needed to end this call and process all this
information. I
was
tired,
but
it
was
more
a
sense
of
mental
exhaustion.
My
brain was working overtime. It was almost like it was volleying my
thoughts around in my head like they were a tennis
ball.

“Okay,
get some sleep, and I’ll give you a call this
weekend.”

After we hung up, I started to process the situation. I would have to figure out some fun places for him to go. What would Mom
actually say? She loved Brad, but him flying here for a week would scream
that he wants to be more than friends.
Would
he read into it that I wanted
us to be more than friends? I knew that I wanted to be with him, but I
also knew
that
I
couldn’t.
I
didn’t
want
to
get
his
hopes
up,
knowing
that
my heart would break when he goes back home. It had only been a
week,
and I already missed him so
much.

Then it hit me. Claire? What about
her?

The rest of my week went by in a
blur.
I would go to class, go
home, and
do
my
homework.
I
had
been
avoiding
Ethan
at
every
turn.
I
was not
sure
why,
but
it
seemed
like
he
had
been
avoiding
me
as
well.
I
knew that our kiss was not planned and probably should not have
happened, but
it
did.
I
couldn’t
ignore
the
drop
of
my
stomach
every
time
he
walks
into the only class we shared together. I couldn’t ignore the fact that
I always
look
forward
to
my
very
last
class
of
the
day,
knowing
that
it
was
the only time I get to see
him.

I tried to focus on other things to keep my mind occupied. I
hadn’t talked to Brad yet about Claire, even though I have talked to him
every night
this
week.
I
wondered
what’s
going
on
with
them.
I
wondered
if
he took my advice and got back together with
her.
I wondered why I
even cared if I want to see him so much. Can a relationship as strong as
ours last if we were to try? Our friendship was going to last no matter
how many miles we put between us, but a relationship is different.
We
never had
the
opportunity
to
discuss
what
we
felt
or
what
we
wanted
to
do about our feelings. I never let that happen out of fear that things
would
become
real.
I
was
caught
off
guard
for
the
first
time
in
a
long
time, and instead of trying to figure things out, I tried to ignore the
situation and pretended like it never happened. I was doing the same thing
with
Ethan.

I
had
to
get
someone
else
to
weigh
in
on
this.
I
needed
an
outsider’s opinion.
Maybe
Ella?
Emma
and
Ella
were
probably
two
of
the
smartest, most
opinionated
people
I
knew.
Neither
of
them
would
hide
their thoughts
from
you,
but
neither
of
them
would
share
my
secret
either. They
both
knew
how
to
keep
a
secret,
even
from
each
other,
which
I thought was amazing since I’ve heard that twins generally know
what
the other is
thinking.

Thursday
after
school,
I
dialed
their
house
without
hesitation.
I had spoken to Ella once since I left, and Emma had pretty much
been unavailable.
She
had
started
dating
a
new
guy
that
I
didn’t
know
and was never home anymore, according to Ella. I was surprised when
she answered after the first
ring.

“Becca!” Emma screamed. The excitement in her voice
surprised me.
I
was
closer
to
Ella,
and
I
thought
that
Emma
sometimes
got
jealous.

“Hey,
Emma. How are
you?”

“I’m good. How are you?
How’s
the new school?” She was
going a mile a
minute.

“Everything
is
fine.”
I
paused
to
take
a
deep
breath.
Should
I
ask for
Ella,
or
should
I
just
talk
to
Emma?
They
seemed
like
the
same
person sometimes, so what did it really matter? “Do you have a few
minutes? I’m kind of having a minor crisis, and I need some good
advice.”

“Sure.
What’s
going on?”

“Well,
I have to work out some things with Brad, and I don’t
know how
to
do
it.
I
don’t
know
what
to
do
at
all
or
even
where
to
begin…”
I let my voice trail off. Everyone knew that Brad and I were just
friends, but the only person I had told about the kiss was Emma.

“Is this about what happened before you left? If it is, then I
don’t really know what to tell
you.”

Great!
No
advice
available.
“Just
answer
me
this.
Do
you
think
that I should give
us
a
try?”

“No.” She said it quickly and without
hesitation.

“Oh,
okay.
Do you have a reason? Is there something going on
that I don’t know
about?”

“No.
I
just
think
that
it’s
time
for
you
both
to
move
on.
I
see
the way he is right
now,
sad look on his face all the time, pining away
for you to be here. If you give him even the slightest glimpse of hope
that there
can
be
something,
then
it
will
be
even
worse
for
both
of
you
if it
doesn’t
work
out.
You
guys
can’t
do
this
from
far
away.
If
you
had started something before you left, you could have continued it, but
you can’t
start
something
with
the
distance.
You
don’t
want
to
ruin
your friendship, do
you?”

She was making sense. She basically stated all the thoughts that
I was having myself. If we had started something before I left, then
we
could
try
to
continue
it
now,
but
we
didn’t.
Plus,
the
last
thing
I
want
was
to
ruin
our
friendship.
He
was
my
rock.
He
was
my
lifeline
most days.
We’d
been through too much to risk losing all of
that.

“No,
I
don’t
want
to
lose
his
friendship.”
I
let
out
a
sigh
before continuing.
What
did
I
have
left
to
say?
I
summed
it
up
in
one
sentence,
but
I
knew
that
there
was
more.
If
I
didn’t
get
it
off
my
chest,
then
it wouldn’t be real. “Can you do me a favor,
Em?”

“Anything. What do you need?” Emma
asked.

“I
need
for
you
to
find
him
someone,
anyone.
Encourage
him
to get involved with someone. Get him back together with Claire if
that’s
what it takes. I’m not even sure if they are officially broken up at
this point.
There
are
plenty
of
people
who
would
go
out
with
him.
Help
him see the
light.”

My
light
was
shining
through
right
now.
I
was
going
to
do
the
same
thing. I was going to move on, heal my broken heart, and find
someone who makes me happy and lives less than two thousand miles
away.

“I can
try,”
she stated. I heard the hesitance in her voice. “Are
you sure
this
is
what
you
want?
Are
you
sure
this
is
the
right
decision
to make?”

“Yes.”

“I wasn’t trying to break up your friendship. I was just making
you realize the reality of the
situation.”

“I
know,
and you did. Thank
you.”