Holding On (35 page)

As
we
approached,
I
could
see
that
Natalie
was
in
there.
Ethan stopped
me
and
pulled
me
to
the
side,
backing
me
up
against
a
wall
with
his
body.
He kissed me on the forehead before resting his head
against mine. It looked like he was going to explain right
now.

“She was upset because she thought we had sex.” He
paused, trying
to
gauge
my
reaction
to
what
he
was
saying,
but
I
had
none.
I
had already figured that part out. What I need to know was the
why
.
When my pleading look and silence urged him to continue, he did. “When
we
were together we never…I mean, we almost but…well, she wanted
to, but I couldn’t bring myself to because she was a virgin and
I…”

He couldn’t even finish his sentence. Natalie knew I was a
virgin, and
she
must
have
thought
that
I
had
given
up
my
V
card
to
him
and that
he
had
taken
it
after
he
wouldn’t
take
hers.
That
would
upset
me
too.  Maybe
I
should
talk
to
her?
 
I
didn’t
get
a
chance
to
say anything before he continued
though.

“Look, I couldn’t have sex with
her,
but it had nothing to do
with her
virginity.
Our relationship was…unstable, for lack of a better
word.
One
minute
we
were
great,
and
the
next
we
were
fighting.
It
was
like riding
a
rollercoaster,
and
the
only
time
that
she
wanted
to
go
all
the way was when we were making up from a major fight. I was trying
to be
a
stand-up
guy
and
not
take
advantage
of
her
in
a
weak
moment.
She
doesn’t exactly see it that
way.”

I
could
see
the
defeat
in
his
eyes.
I
could
tell
that
he
felt
bad
for upsetting
her,
but I knew that it wasn’t his
fault.

It’s
prom
night,
damn
it!
We
should
all
be
getting
along,
having
fun, and drinking. There should be no fighting, no drama, and no crying.
I had just gotten rid of all the drama in my life and wanted to relax
and have fun for
once.

I wrapped my arms around him and pulled myself tight up
against his
body.
I wanted him to know that I was happy to be here with him. I wanted him to feel the positive energy my body was giving off.
Holy
crap!
I could feel
him…wow!

“Sorry,
my body has a mind of its own.” Ethan said, not sounding the least bit sorry for his
body’s
reaction.

I looked up and I could actually see the faintest amount of blush
in his
cheeks.
How
cute.
“He
may
want
to
get
a
better
grip
on
his
‘thoughts’ before everyone can read his mind.
We
have people to go mingle
with.
Do you need a
minute?”

His
smile
told
me
he
did,
but
there
was
also
a
hint
of
lust
in
his eyes that told me he won’t be able to control himself for much
longer. “Why don’t we say our good-byes and head back to your place?”
Ethan suggested.
When
he
saw
that
my
eyes
got
a
little
bigger
at
his
suggestion,
he
kissed
my
cheek.
“I
wasn’t
meaning
that.
I
was
thinking
we
could watch a movie and cuddle on the
couch.”

“Oh!”
It
came
out
a
little
more
exasperated
than
I
had
planned.
I was relieved that he wasn’t trying to push me and I couldn’t hide
that fact. “That sounds fine.
It’s
getting late
anyway.”

As
we
made
our
way
into
the
kitchen
to
say
good-bye
to
our
friends, I noticed that Natalie won’t make eye contact with either one of us.
As
I
was
about
to
approach
her
to
give
her
a
hug
and
say
good-bye,
she
whispered
something
in
Morgan’s
ear,
and
they
took
off.
She
looked back
at
me
over
her
shoulder
and
gave
me
a
shit-eating
grin.
That
could not be
good.

The
wrap
party
for
yearbook
was
the
Saturday
before
the
end
of the
year.
Our
book
was
finished,
and
the
time
to
relax
was
upon us. Natalie and I seemed to be back to normal.
We
never talked
about prom or the after party or the weird vibes that she had been giving
off. I thought about bringing up the subject at lunch a few days after
prom, but when Natalie got up to get a soda, Jill told me to not say
anything about prom. She said she would explain to me why later, and I
decided that it was best to drop the
subject.

That afternoon in yearbook, Jill pulled me aside and into her
new office.
We
started to talk about next year’s book for a few minutes
but when I heard the click of the outside door, I glanced over my
shoulder
to see that Natalie had just walked out. Jill let out a heavy sigh and
told me what was going
on.

“She was upset that night because she thought you and Ethan had slept
together.”

“I
know,
Ethan told me.
What’s
up with that anyway? She knows we’re
dating.”

“I think she may still have a small thing for him, even if she
won’t admit it. Don’t get me wrong. She really likes Morgan, but Ethan
was her first ‘love’, and I think
she’s
having a hard time letting go of
those feelings.”

“I really don’t know what to say to that. Why does that make
her mad
at
me?
It’s
not
like
I
stole
him
away
from
her.”
But
I
kind
of
did.
If I hadn’t shown up, would they have gotten back
together?

“She
knows
that.
Plus,
it’s
not
like
she
doesn’t
want
to
be
with
Morgan. I think she needed to prove that to herself the other night,
and she may be regretting that a little bit right
now.”
She paused and
waited
for
me
to
catch
on.
The
look
of
shock
on
my
face
must
have
given
it
away.
“Yep,
she gave him her V
card.”

“Holy crap! Is she
okay?”

“She
says
she’s
fine,
but
I’m
not
really
sure.
She
doesn’t
want
to talk
about
it.
It’s
not
like
it
was
very
romantic
or
anything
from
what
she has told me. I think she wanted it to be more special and was
upset because it
wasn’t.”

I
understood
that.
I
want
my
first
time
to
be
special
too.
It
has
to
be in
the
right
place.
It
has
to
be
with
the
right
person.
It
has
to
be
the
right everything. That was why I was scared to let things go too
far.
I
didn’t want
to
regret
my
first
time.
I
didn’t
want
to
look
back
and
wonder,
Why him?
Why then? I wanted fond memories of my first time, even
if I
wasn’t
still
with
that
person.
I
wanted
to
make
sure
I
was
in
love,
or
as close to it as
possible.

After
that
conversation
with
Jill,
I
decided
to
not
speak
another
word
about prom unless Natalie brought it up.
We
resumed our friendship
as if nothing had ever happened.
We
had coffee after school most days
now that
I
was
finished
with
tennis
for
the
year.
We
went
to
a
few
parties after prom with Ethan and Morgan in
tow.
Never once did it seem
like she was regretting her decision, but I also caught her staring at me
and Ethan
every
once
in
a
while
with
a
bewildering
look
in
her
eyes.
She was
jealous,
but
not
of
me.
She
was
jealous
of
our
relationship.
She
wanted to feel like we felt about each
other. That’s
when I realized
how much
I
was
truly
involved
in
this
relationship.
I
wasn’t
ready
to
admit
it to myself, but I was on the brink of falling madly in love with him,
and it took everything that I had to fight those
feelings.

The
party
was
being
hosted
by
Ethan’s
parents
as
a
way
to
celebrate the final chapter of his participation in yearbook. They also
mentioned that they would like to celebrate the fact that I was replacing him as
an assistant
editor,
something
I
didn’t
even
know
at
the
time.
I
thought that it would cause a fuss, so I politely declined. I didn’t want to
upset Natalie
again,
and
since
she
was
going
to
be
there,
along
with
the
rest
of the staff, I figured it wasn’t the place or the
time.

As everyone started to arrive and the house became full of
friends and acquaintances, I started to feel a little claustrophobic. I knew
most of
these
people
well,
had
worked
with
them
side
by
side
for
the
past five
months
and
would
work
with
some
of
them
again
next
year.
For some reason, I was feeling very out of place, and I was quickly in
need of fresh
air.

Standing
on
the
back
deck
of
Ethan’s
house,
sweating
from
the ninety-five-degree evening, I started to wonder what my future
really held. I wondered if Natalie and I would ever truly get past this bump
in our friendship. I wondered if Ethan and I would still be together
after the summer when he went off to college. I wondered what things
were
going
to
be
like
back
home
when
I
got
there.
My
mind
was
full
of
a variety of unanswerable questions when I felt the presence of
someone
behind
me.

I
was
shocked
when
I
turned
to
find
Natalie
standing
behind
me, hands stuck deep into the pockets of her shorts, looking nervous.
She
wasn’t looking up at me, but I could tell just by her body language
that she
wanted
to
talk.
I
figured
that
this
would
happen
eventually,
but
I
was hoping that it wouldn’t be tonight.
We
both had been avoiding this,
and with
my
departure
looming
next
week,
I
knew
that
it
was
better
to
do this now than wait until I returned. The silence that was surrounding
us was almost too much to
bear.

“Hey,”
I said. I was suddenly feeling unsure of myself.
You
could hear the tension in my voice, how hesitant I was to even
speak.

“Hey,”
Natalie replied sounding
sad.

It
was
an
echo
of
what
I
just
said,
but
I
could
hear
more
in
her
voice than I think she even
knew.
I could hear the apologetic tone and
braced for what was coming next.

“I
know
that
you
must
be
a
little
confused.
I
was
pretty
awful
to
you and
then
tried
to
act
like
everything
was
normal.”
Natalie
continued. That was an understatement if you ask me. “I just want to apologize
for acting
the
way
I
did
on
prom
night.
You
didn’t
deserve
to
be
treated
that
way.”

There
were
two
ways
I
could
see
that
conversation
was
going.
Either I
could
graciously
accept
her
apology
and
move
on
or
I
could
graciously accept her apology and give her a piece of my mind. I wanted to
keep her friendship, I knew that for sure, but I also needed answers. She
was
the
one
who
told
Ethan
that
she
was
okay
with
us
dating.
She
needed to accept us, or else she was going to be the one to lose a friend
today.