Hollowmen (17 page)

33.

Boden, Serg, and I took the bodies out back and burned them. We didn’t want to leave them in the yard to rot and attract zombies and animals. That proved to be a lot of work when it came to Bruce, and just getting him out the back door and into the grass was exhausting.

The smell of burning flesh was horrendous, even from inside the house with all the windows closed. I went around the house lighting every scented candle they had, which ended up being quite a lot.

Serg went to bed fairly early. He was sore from the fight and tired from moving bodies. Max had been acting weird the rest of the night, and he went to our room shortly after Serg went up. I asked if he wanted to talk, but Max said he just needed to rest.

The fire was still burning, and I wouldn’t sleep until it was out, out of fear it would catch the house on fire while we slept. I sat in the living room, watching it out the back window. Stella had curled up next to me, watching it for a while, but she’d fallen asleep.

Boden had taken her up to her room and put her to bed. I’d strained lake water, and then boiled it over the fire in the fireplace to make myself a cup of tea. I sat on the couch with my knees to my chest, slowly dipping the blackberry tea bag in and out of a coffee mug.

“So you’re just gonna stay up all night?” Boden asked as he came back down the stairs after getting Stella tucked in.

“If the fire goes all night,” I said.

“I think it might.” He sat down on the couch next to me. “It’s kind of beautiful, isn’t it?”

The yellow and orange flames danced in the night sky, making the entire living room glow.

“It would be,” I admitted, “if it weren’t a bonfire of human flesh.”

He sighed and leaned his head back on the couch. “You need stop that, Remy.”

“Stop what?” I turned back to look at him, his face glowing orange from the fire.

“I’ve seen shit, too,” Boden said, his eyes grave and sincere. “I’ve seen the worst the world has to offer. And it can be a truly gruesome and ugly place. But there’s beauty in it, too. There’s moments of actual joy. And you’re refusing to experience any of it.”

I bristled. “I’m not refusing anything.”

“You are,” Boden insisted with a wry laugh. “I don’t know if it’s guilt or what, but you are absolutely refusing to be happy.”

“It’s not a
choice
.” I shook my head. “I can’t be happy. Not with people constantly dying and being afraid of dying and trying to protect everyone and make sure everything is safe.”

“Well, exactly. How can you be happy when you have the entire weight of the world on your shoulders? When it’s your job to save
every
person you come in contact with? When you can never ask for help on a single thing?”

“I – I – I don’t even know what point you’re trying to make,” I said. “I’ve done everything I can to protect Max and Stella and
you
. How is that a bad thing?”

“It’s not bad, but you never relax.”

“I never relax?” I scoffed. “This is so ridiculous. You’ve known me for a few weeks, and we’ve been on the run from zombies the entire time. How is that relaxing?”

“We’re not on the run from anything right now,” he said. “And we’re safe.”

“We just killed three people!” I laughed incredulously. “How is that safe?”

“Nobody is breaking down the door right now. The kids are sleeping soundly. You’re drinking tea,” Boden pointed out. “This is about as safe as it gets. And you still have your guard up.”

“My guard?” I set my tea on the table and stood up. “You don’t know me. You don’t know anything about my guard.”

Boden leaned forward, resting his arms on his knees. “Really? Because I think you’re getting all worked up because I’m getting it exactly right, and you know it.”

“I’m not worked up!” I snapped, then realized I’d raised my voice.

I don’t know why his accusations had me so frazzled, but something in the truth of it was getting under my skin. He was right, at least partially.

“You’re so determined to persevere, but because you’re trying so hard to not feel anything, to deny any emotion or connection you have with people, you don’t even know
why
you want to persevere.” Boden stood up. “You don’t even know what it means to be alive.”

“I …” I started to speak but my voice cracked.

So much of life hurt, so much of it had been lost. The only way I knew how to survive was to shut everything off, or at least try to. To bury everything I felt down deep inside me, hiding the happiness along with the sadness.

But it was killing me. I was exhausted from fighting it, from trying to keep everything inside me
inside
. And as much as I’d tried to do this all on my own, the one thing I knew for sure was that I couldn’t. I needed people. I needed Max, Stella, even Serg. And I needed Boden.

“So what I am supposed to do?” I asked finally.

“Let go.” Boden stepped closer to me until he was right in front of me, his chest nearly touching mine. “Stop trying to have control, because you don’t. Stop trying to save the world, because you can’t.”

“You’re saying I should do nothing? I should just let the zombies come and kill me and everyone else?”

“No, of course not. What I’m saying is fight when you have to, but laugh every chance you get. And enjoy the moment you’re in.”

His chest was touching me now, strong and warm against me, and he pushed me back, pressing me against the wall.

I swallowed hard. “You mean like this moment now?”

“Exactly.”

I expected him to kiss me, since his lips were nearly brushing against mine, but he didn’t. He reached down and grabbed both my wrists and pinned them above my head. With his body pressed against mine and my hands above my head, I couldn’t move.

I felt powerless, and even though I trusted Boden, I felt strangely terrified. Deep down, I knew he’d never hurt me – not on purpose. But something about being like this made my heart race, and I involuntarily began to tremble.

“Let go,” he whispered, and then his mouth finally found mine.

He kissed me passionately, almost roughly, and I closed my eyes, focusing on nothing else except how wonderfully warm his mouth felt. And the heat of it – of
him
– pushed away my anxiety, and all I could feel was him.

When he pulled away from me, I tried to follow him, to keep kissing him, but he kept me pinned to the wall. He used one hand, holding both wrists together, while his other hand worked its way down my pants, pushing them and my panties down.

Once he’d gotten them to my knees, I helped the rest of the way, moving and kicking my legs until my pants were on the ground and I could step out of them.

He kissed my neck, and now his lips felt cool on my skin. I was flushed with warmth, with excitement and anticipation. A hungry heat flowed through me, radiating from my belly down to my thighs.

I didn’t even know he’d undone his pants until I felt him thrust inside me. I cried out in surprise and pleasure, and he was kissing me again, silencing my moans. I wrapped my legs around him, and then he let go of my arms, letting me hang onto him as he pushed me harder against the wall.

Something changed between us then. There was a frantic hunger in the way we kissed and moved. Even the way he gripped me, his fingers digging into my bare back and pressing me to him, it felt desperate and primal.

Our bodies intertwined, moving together in the most animalistic way, and we were firmly in the moment. Neither of us was in control, and it felt wonderful.

34.

The morning light spilled in through the sheer curtains, but for the moment, the house was silent. It wouldn’t be that way for much longer, because the kids would be up soon, demanding breakfast and entertainment.

Boden stirred next to me, and I rolled over to face him. He was lying on his stomach with the sheet pulled up to the middle of his back. His face was buried firmly in a pillow, so I could unabashedly admire the strong counters of his back.

And after the last few days, I fully appreciated how strong he was. He could carry me like I was nothing, and he pinned me down effortlessly. Admittedly, I never really fought him, not even when he held me down. But if he ever turned into a zombie, I would be in serious trouble.

Lying with Boden like this, sometimes my thoughts would drift back to Lazlo. I cared about him, even loved him still. But I didn’t know if he was alive or dead, and I honestly didn’t think I’d ever see him again. That hurt, but that’s the way it was.

And it didn’t change the fact that I was starting to feel something real for Boden, something almost overpowering. I wasn’t going to deny it either or pretend like it wasn’t happening. I was falling for him, and I was letting myself.

I needed to let myself actually enjoy things and be present in my life, instead of trying to be an autonomous robot. I’d been working hard on that, and not just in the moments I shared with Boden. When I was playing with Max and Stella, I tried to really play with them. Even when I talked to Serg, I tried to laugh and have fun more.

Stella’s laughter pulled me from my thoughts, and that meant it was time to get up. I sighed and got out of bed.

“Hey.” Boden pulled his head out from the pillow and squinted up at me. “What are you doing?”

“Stella’s awake,” I said and pulled on one of Boden’s sweaters that was draped over the chair. It was way too big for me and made of something scratchy and warm like wool, but I liked it anyway because it felt cozy.

“Serg can take care of her.” He rolled onto his back and patted the empty spot next to him. “You can come back to bed.”

“Serg has gotten up with Max and Stella the past three mornings,” I reminded him. “I can’t make him do it every day.”

“Stella and Max can handle being on their own for fifteen minutes.” Boden grinned wickedly. “Come back to bed.”

“Boden.” I gave him a look as I put on a pair of pants. “You know my rule about not doing anything when the kids are awake.”

“I know,” he sighed. “But since we’re sleeping together now, don’t you think maybe you should stop calling me by my last name?”

I raised an eyebrow. “You want me to call you Charlie?”

“I don’t know. Maybe.” He shrugged. “Try it.”

I crawled onto the bed so I could lean over and give him a kiss on the lips. “See you downstairs in a little bit, Charlie.”

“No.” He wrinkled his nose. “I don’t like the Charlie. I did like the kissing part, though. We can do that again.”

I gave him one more quick kiss, and he tried to wrap his arms around me, so he could pull me back into bed, but I squirmed out of his embrace. He was laughing as I left the room.

When I got downstairs, Stella was sitting on a kitchen stool eating oatmeal. The other stool had been destroyed in the fight with Bruce, so Serg was forced to lean against the counter and eat.

We didn’t have real oatmeal, not in the traditional sense. The house had come with a few canisters of plain Quaker Oats, and we soaked them in warm water from the lake for a few minutes. Then we smashed up berries into it. The berries I’d tried had never made me sick, so we’d taken to eating them, and we all seemed to be doing fine.

“What’s this?” Serg asked, pretending to be shocked to see me. “It’s morning, and you’re getting up? You’re not going to spend all day in bed with Boden?”

“It’s not
all
morning,” I said, but I blushed a little at his accusation.

A pop bottle of “clean” lake water sat on the counter, and I poured myself a glass. We could never be certain that it was fully clean, of course. We strained out dirt and bigger particles, and we boiled the water to kill any germs. That was the best we could do.

“So … is this like a permanent thing?” Serg asked between mouthfuls of oatmeal.

“I don’t know.” I shrugged and took a drink of water. “Why?”

“Me and Max are going fishing this morning,” Serg said. “But he asked me after that if I’d help him do stuff to his room. He hates the stupid beige walls, so I thought we could try to come up with some way to make it cooler.”

“So you wanted to know if that’s going to be his room from now on,” I said.

He nodded. “Yeah.”

Boden had been sleeping in the master bedroom with me, so Max was sleeping in Boden’s room down the hall. Max seemed to enjoy it, though, because he liked having a room all to himself.

“Go ahead,” I said at length. “Decorate Max’s room.”

Serg raised an eyebrow approvingly. “Sounds good.”

“I think I’m going to do laundry today, so I’m going to go out and get some lake water,” I said. “If Max gets up and needs help with his breakfast, I’ll be out back.”

“Thanks, but I think I manage,” Serg smiled.

We’d found several large plastic buckets in the garage, and I took two of them out with me to the lake. Doing laundry was tedious. I had to fill up several buckets and use the strainer to get out any dirt. Then I filled up the bathtub with the water, and I got on my hands and knees and scrubbed the clothes with a bar of soap. It was an all-day thing, so I wanted to get a jump on it early.

I was bent over the lake, reaching out as far as I could so I wouldn’t get so much mud mixed in with the water, when I heard a familiar sound.

I turned around to see a zombie a few feet behind me, making a retching noise.

35.

I grabbed the empty bucket and swung at it. The zombie narrowly ducked out of the way, which I didn’t appreciate at all. I wasn’t used to zombies dodging attacks, so right off the bat that was a bad sign.

The zombie was grayish and clearly a man. He’d been turned long enough that he looked as though his eyes were going to fall out, and his lip was torn off, revealing his broken and crooked teeth. But he was young enough where he still held human form, and he was fast.

He ran at me, and I swung the bucket again. This time it connected with his face, but it only stunned him for a second. He didn’t even lose his balance.

“Great,” I muttered. “The first zombie I see here, and he has to be a super zombie.”

Boden had left an ax outside for chopping wood for the fireplace. It was sticking out from a tree stump right behind the garage, so I ran for it. The zombie gave chase, naturally, and I’d just wrapped my fingers around the handle of the ax when the zombie caught my sweater, yanking me back.

Fortunately, the ax came with me. The zombie had knocked me off balance, though, and I fell to the ground. It jumped at me, preparing to devour my face, and I swung the ax at it. The blade hit the middle of the zombie’s face, slicing through his skull just below his eyeball. I drove it all the way through the other side of his nose before deciding that was enough.

It collapsed on me, dripping it’s horrible thick blood all over my favorite sweater of Boden’s.

“Dammit.” I pushed the dead zombie off me and got up, wiping the blood off on the already ruined shirt.

I pulled off the sweater, stripping down to a tank top, and tossed Boden’s shirt on the grass. I’d have to throw it away later, but for now, I just wanted to get back in the house and put on something warm.

Ripley came around the side of the garage, swishing her tail.

“Now you come,” I told her. “I’ve already killed it and don’t need your help.”

She licked her lips when she saw the zombie and sniffed the air. It’d been awhile since she’d eaten, since there weren’t many zombies up here. I think I saw her eating a squirrel once, but I couldn’t say for sure.

“Go ahead. Eat up.” I waved her on, and then I turned to go back in the house.

Max was up, and he’d already gotten the fishing poles out. He and Serg were excitedly talking about their plans to catch impossibly large fish.

“If you’re going fishing, be on the watch for zombies,” I said as I walked by them. “I just saw one in the backyard.”

“Really?” Serg and Max asked in unison.

“Yeah, really.” I gave Serg a meaningful look. “You be careful if you take my brother outside.”

“Wait. What?” Boden asked.

He’d gotten out of bed in the time I’d been outside collecting water and wrestling with the zombie. He sat on the couch with Stella curled up underneath one of his arms. From where I stood, I couldn’t see, but I imagined that he had a copy of
Oh, the Places You’ll Go
open on his lap. That’d been Stella’s favorite book since she’d found it here, and she had us read it to her ten times a day.

“There was a zombie outside.” I walked around the couch and flopped down next to him. “I got it, but I ruined your shirt.”

“It’s okay. You liked the shirt more than I did anyway.” He closed the book on his lap and turned away from Stella a bit to check me out. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine.” I settled down next to him and sighed. “I guess I should be grateful that it took the zombies this long to find us out here. It’s been warming up, and we knew they’d start coming.”

“We did,” Boden agreed. “So what do you want to do? Should we go?”

“No.” I shook my head fiercely. “This is our home now.”

“You sure?” Boden asked.

“Yes,” I nodded. “There can’t be that many zombies around here anyway. And summer only lasts a few months before it gets cold again. We can hold off zombies for that long.”

“Okay.” He grinned, then leaned over and kissed my temple.

He opened the book back up, and I rested my head on his shoulder and listened to him reading to Stella. For the first time in so long, I felt like I finally had a home, a family. And I wasn’t going anywhere.