Hollywood Ever After (16 page)

Only it wasn’t a locket. It was a compass.

A beautiful golden compass with a small light blue topaz indicating north. It was inscribed:

Follow your heart

May it guide you home

And bring you back to me

Always yours—Josh

I held it to my heart before slipping it around my neck. I read the inscription again. Then looked at the photo of Josh and me atop my dresser.

Two weeks seemed like a very long time, but I could make it.

***

I stared at my mother. After a night of serious introspection, this was the conversation I was most worried about. Since Dad had died she’d been lonely, which I understood. My brothers were off living lives that were anything but stable. They were great brothers, but they weren’t around very often. I didn’t want her to be forced into anything by my decisions, and as much as I wanted her to come with me and the kids, I would understand if she didn’t want to start over again…again.

“Morning, Mom.” I wrapped my arms around her waist.

She kissed my cheek. “Morning. Already go for a run this morning?”

I nodded, pouring her coffee while she sat at the small kitchen table. “I have a lot to tell you.” I stared into my coffee, not sure where to start.

She set the paper aside. “I imagine you do.”

“Why do you say that?”

“Something has changed.” She reached out for my hand, regarding me thoughtfully. “You’re glowing.”

I took her hand. “First, we’ve been invited on a trip, you, me, and the kids. We’d be gone the week of Spring Break. To England.”

My mother’s eyes were saucers now. “Oh? That sounds great. I could visit Maureen and Janine.”

“That’s true, though that sounds potentially dangerous,” I teased. My mother had received a written warning for public intoxication last time she’d visited her fellow ex-military friends. I’d been expecting Will at the time.

She didn’t miss a beat. “A girl deserves the right to have fun now and then.”

“I’m not going to touch that, Mom.” I laughed. “Shannon and her new man Arthur are going to England to celebrate the film’s international release and we get to go, too. A combination work and play kind of thing. So you know, they’re just moving in together, but let’s just stick with the married explanation for the kids’ sake. It’s what they wanted. They’re happy, really happy.”

“Good for her.”

“You’ll really like him. Arthur, I mean.” I looked at her. “Do you still have a passport? Thank goodness the kids have them from the trip that we’d planned for Mexico.”

“I’m good.” She nodded, waiting.

“And my book will be getting published, probably next summer.” I smiled as she squeezed my hand in hers.

“Oh, Claire, I am so proud of you. My baby girl will be a published author!”

I flushed a little. “I’m not sure that everyone is going to react like that. But it’s starting to become real, and I’m excited about the opportunities it gives us.” I took a deep breath. “Which kind of brings me to my last revelation. Mom, I can’t stay here. There’s just too much for me to get past.”

She squeezed my hand, nodding. “It’s time, sweetie. I guess the only question is where?”

I stood and hugged her. “I know it’s a lot, since you only moved in with us last year. But I want you to know we want you to come, if
you
want to.”

“Of course I do. You and the kids are my family. I love your brothers, but they’re not putting down roots anytime soon, so you’re stuck with me.” She patted my hand, winking. “Have you been thinking about any place specific?”

“No. I want us to carefully consider our options.”

“Lots to think about. You drink your coffee and I’ll start making lists. We’ll need to pick up some stuff for the trip. I think Will needs a new jacket, so I’ll start in his room.” She took her coffee cup and went upstairs. Mom hated to be idle.

I started a load of laundry and emptied the dishwasher. I put the detergent away and turned.

Daniel was standing in the kitchen.

“Hi,” he said, pulling a bottle of water from the refrigerator.

I almost dropped the mug I was holding. “I thought you were in India.” It took some effort to prevent myself from running out of the room.

“I’m heading to the airport soon.” He watched me carefully, a smile on his face.

“What are you doing here?”

“This is the longest time we’ve ever spent apart, you know, without seeing each other at all. I couldn’t leave knowing it would be even longer before I’d see you again.”

I continued to stare at him, aware that my composed-and-careful face was not effectively in place.

“Did you get my flowers?”

I tried to sound calm. “Daniel, you shouldn’t be here.”

He smiled, arching an eyebrow. “I’m sticking with the counseling, Claire.” He used his most cajoling tone. “I’m being a good boy now. And I really miss you. I didn’t think I’d miss you this much.”

I felt sick, my throat tight and dry. I hoped he was sticking with counseling, I hoped he was getting himself back. I wanted that for him. But I knew better than to say anything like that to
him
. He was very good at hearing what he wanted to hear.

My stomach churned. I wasn’t about to say anything that might give him encouragement for
us
. I wanted him to get better for the kids, not because I wanted to reconcile or become friends.

I started sorting clothes. The silence in the kitchen built, growing strained.

When he spoke, his voice was sharp. “You’re not going to say
anything
?”

“What did you expect me to say?”

“Something like ‘I missed you too’ or ‘I’ve been thinking about what you said’ or even ‘That’s nice of you’.” He leaned forward as he spoke, his face stiff. “I missed you. I don’t know why, but I thought you’d want to know that.”

I continued to sort clothes, focused on keeping my hands steady.

“Claire?” he demanded. “Answer me. Do you think this is easy for me? Talk to me. It’s the least you can do.”

I shook my head, reaching for the phone. “You shouldn’t be here.”

He was in front of me then, his hands taking mine. He took the phone and put it back on its base.

“This is
my
home. The home we made with
our
children. I have every right to be here.” His voice was hollow, desperate, and hard.

I looked at a spot in the middle of his chest, carefully avoiding his eyes. If I didn’t look at him, he couldn’t misinterpret my expression. All it took was an eyebrow lift, biting my lip, a nose twitch—it wouldn’t take much to trigger his anger.

“I can’t do this.” His voice was full of pain. “I can’t get you out of my head. Why can’t I let go?”

I felt his hands, hot and rigid around mine. The front of his shirt, where I locked my eyes, was shaking in time with his rapid heartbeat.

My heart was in my throat. “Daniel, I—”

“It wasn’t just me that did this to us, no matter what you think. Why weren’t you there when I needed you? You used to smile when you saw me, Claire. Remember?” He was shaking as he finished.

I tried to pull my hands from him, but his grip tightened. I felt the words coming before I could stop them. “Daniel, I am sorry you’re hurting. But that’s—”

His eyes narrowed as he interrupted me. “You’re
sorry
? I’m supposed to just forgive you? But you won’t forget Melissa or forgive me. Those words can’t mean something when you say them and nothing when I do. But you won’t let me forget the mistakes I made, no matter how hard I try. Don’t you see how unfair that is?”

“It’s time to stop hurting each other.” I jerked my hands away and tried to sound calm. “This kind of conversation isn’t productive, for either of us.”

He took a deep breath, stretching his neck. “Productive? If we don’t talk about it, how are we ever going to fix it? We made a mistake. You know it. I know it.” His hands came to rest on my shoulders. “Our kids need a family. You need to move past this, Claire. You’re keeping our family apart because you won’t forgive and forget. Let us move on.” His hand traced my cheek, before returning to my shoulder. “Remember, we always agreed to put them first.”

His hands slipped from my shoulders, gripping my upper arms. He tried to pull me closer to him, but I wouldn’t let him. When I tried to shrug out of his hold, his hands tightened.

Panic rose, constricting my lungs. I took a shaky breath, knowing that my voice revealed the effect he had on my nerves. “We’ll always be their family. But things are different, Daniel. We’re not married. We’ll always be the kids’ parents, but we won’t be a couple again.”

“Because you won’t give us another chance. Everyone deserves a second chance, Claire.”

I’d given him a second chance after he’d kicked me and broken my rib. It was one of a dozen second chances I’d given him. “It’s time for both of us to have real space.”

“What do you mean?” His breath hit my face when he spoke. His hand tilted my chin up, forcing me to look at him. His face, his blazing eyes, were inches from mine.

I knew that look. I knew he was on the edge. I swallowed. Anything I did or said would only make things worse now.

“What are you saying?”

I tried not to react, but my lips were quivering, I could feel them.

“You’re leaving?” His fingers felt like talons pinching into my cheek, and my upper arm felt numb from his grip. His face reddened, the vein in his forehead popping out as he took deep, ragged breaths.

“Daniel,” I spoke softly, “please let go of me.”

“Why? So you can leave? Take
my
kids from me?” He shook his head. “I never thought you could be this selfish. What the hell is wrong with you? ” His fingers dug deeper, my cheek and arm throbbing in protest.

“Daniel, you’re hurting me,” I whispered.

His eyes narrowed. “Not really.” He pulled me against him, wrapping his arms around me and whispering into my ear. “But I will, Claire.” His words made the hair on the back of my neck stand up. “If you try to leave.”

“Claire, honey.” I heard Mom, knew she was coming into the kitchen.

Daniel released me instantly.

I stood frozen. I couldn’t move, couldn’t speak. If I did, I would lose it. I didn’t know what Daniel might do then, but I didn’t want to find out.

Daniel stared at my mom, smiling tightly. “Morning, Marty. Stopped by to see Claire on my way out. I need to get going.”

“Oh, Daniel, what a surprise,” my mother said as she sauntered into the kitchen holding a stack of towels. She was doing her best to act as if nothing out of the ordinary was taking place. I knew better; her hands shook as she placed the towels on the counter.

He looked at her then back to me, his eyes blazing. “I just wanted to welcome you home. I’ll call the kids tonight. We can talk more then.” He stared at me, his blue eyes narrowing when I didn’t respond.

After the door closed and I knew he’d left, I felt my knees buckle beneath me. I slid onto the kitchen floor. He was gone. I could safely lose control without worrying about any recriminations or punishment.

My mother sat beside me on the floor, wrapping her arms around me. She rocked with me, dropping a kiss on my forehead. “He’s gone, honey.” She put the phone in my hand. “You’ve got to call your lawyer, Claire. He can’t come in here and scare the shit out of you whenever he wants to. He can’t put his hands on you anymore.” She tilted my head to inspect my cheek. She winced. “I’ll get an ice pack.”

She stood, pulled the ice pack from the freezer, and placed it on my cheek.

“If I thought he was going to barge in here like that I’d keep Fred in my pocket.” She stood over me, her hands on her hips.

Something about the image of my mom, all five feet two inches of her, baking cookies with Dad’s 9mm “Fred” hanging from her gingham apron pocket made me giggle. “I’d prefer you kept Fred locked up in the gun safe under your bed, Mom. Thanks, though.”

“If he shows up again, Claire…” She was breathing hard. “Just call Regina so she can file a restraining order against that son of a bitch.” She sat beside me again, pulling me to her.

I nodded against her neck. Her comforting smell of vanilla and rose oil opened the floodgates. I let myself cry, sobbing loudly, while leaning against my mom on my kitchen floor.

***

The two weeks flew by.

The first few nights were hard. My nightmares of Daniel had faded, but his recent visit brought them back. When I woke up I’d read or write until I was calm enough to go back to sleep. It took four days before the dreams went away again.

I
saw
Josh more than I expected. Whether he was on the cover of
Star Scoop
magazine with a gorgeous blonde or gracing the cover of
Hollywood Enquirer
, he was there, and yet so far away. And every time I saw him, my hand wrapped itself around the compass.

There was a poster bin in the grocery store full of
Stellar Siege
images. Natalie flipped through the rack. She looked at one poster and asked, “Is he that cute in person?” She stared at me, waiting for an answer.

As much as I wanted to, I didn’t think it was appropriate to nod and grab onto the poster. I was proud of how detached I sounded. “Yeah, pretty much.”

“He’s ok. But he’s not really my type. He’s a little too pretty for me. Now if we were talking about…” And she was off, listing the virtues of her celebrity crushes.

My eyes strayed to the poster. He was pretty. He was gorgeous. He had posed ready for alien action in his gray uniform. His hair was ruffled, his eyes narrowed, and his jaw set. He looked rather fierce—which made me want to laugh a little. With a rifle strap across his chest and a laser blaster in his hand, Josh looked cool even to Will.

“He’s not pretty, Nat. He’s got a gun.” Will stared at his sister.

I shook my head. “Okay, we need milk. Lead the way,” I said to Will. I flipped the posters back, hiding his poster from prying eyes. I shook my head at my own ridiculousness.

Other than missing Josh, which happened way too much for my comfort level, I accomplished a lot in two weeks. A real estate agent came over and gave me a list of things to do before we put the house on the market. We managed to finish the list of repairs and improvements and had a massive garage sale. Mom and I were pretty proud of ourselves.