Hollywood Lust (28 page)

The following day, Noah and I caught a late afternoon flight out of Los Angeles to Hawaii. I’d made arrangements for Bernie to stay with Robin during my vacation and was looking forward to my first-ever trip to Maui. We arrived at the condo overlooking Kaanapali Beach late in the day. Because of the difference in time zones, the sun was beginning to set as we took a bottle of wine down to the white sandy beach.

I’d heard that Hawaii sunsets were some of the best in the world. Maui didn’t disappoint, with the sun filtering through a scattered cloud cover, turning the world into hues of gold, red, and pink. It felt like I was a million miles from home.

As we clinked glasses and toasted our arrival, a warm glow swept over me, both because of my surroundings and the anticipation of being with Noah. Despite those feelings, I had to admit I still had some lingering doubts about whether I was doing the right thing, especially in light of what had happened to Lindsay. Noah and I chatted about the beautiful scenery, our dogs, and my friends before I realized he’d sensed my reservations.

“It’s okay, Kate,” Noah said.

My forehead tightened. “I’m sorry?”

He smiled, his blue eyes taking on the color of the darkening sky. “What I mean is that it’s going to be okay—you and me.”

My gaze shifted to the sparkling ocean and I exhaled. “It’s just that…” I searched for the words to tell him what he’d picked up on. “I want…” I met his eyes again. “I want the best for you, Noah. You’re an exceptional person, who’s been through a lot.” I blinked, feeling my emotions surfacing. “The truth is, I don’t know if you will be safe around me. I’m not sure anyone will ever be safe in my presence because of what happened to my sister, and…” I felt a profound sadness and couldn’t go on.

When Noah didn’t say anything, I looked back over at him. Something about his smile seemed peaceful, like nothing could ever hinder his serenity.

I finally said, “Do you understand what I just said?”

He nodded, his eyes shifting toward the setting sun as he spoke. “Did you ever wonder how maybe every life, in its own way, is a love story?”

What he’d said was so unexpected that I didn’t know how to respond.

He went on, now looking back at me. “I think our lives are meant to be just that—a love story. The problem is, most of us get lost along the way. We forget why we’re really here.”

A breath rattled in my throat. I finally found my voice. “I have to admit, I feel pretty lost most of the time, especially lately.”

He continued with a lilt in his voice that complemented his serenity. “I think sometimes our stories lose both the subject and the verb.”

“I’m sorry, but you just lost me.”

He smiled. “The subject is who we really are, our true nature. And the verb that makes each story come to life is something that at the same time is both simple and immensely complex—it’s called love.”

I sipped my wine and then cradled the glass between my knees. The waves lapping toward shore were soothing. “What you just said is…it’s really beautiful.” I smiled. “And I thought you were just a guy who helped iguanas with tummy aches.”

He laughed and then took my hand, his tone becoming more serious. “When you said that you’re afraid for my safety, you’re forgetting my background, Kate. You’re forgetting that I’ve dealt with some very bad people in some terrible situations.” His eyes lost their focus. “When I was in the hospital for months, trying to come to terms with what happened to me, I made a commitment.” He looked back at me. “That commitment was to never let fear control my life.”

My eyes grew heavier and I knew what he’d said was also meant for me. While I’d made some bad choices in relationships, trying and make up for the losses that I’d suffered, I knew there was now another factor controlling my life; I was afraid, both of attachment and commitment, and the fear that comes with giving myself to someone.

“Do you know what faith is?”

Noah’s words were unexpected and surprised me. It took me a moment to respond and focus my thoughts. “I’m not sure…” I took a breath. “I guess it’s believing in something that you can’t see or prove, but you sense in your heart is true.”

He nodded. “That’s it exactly. It’s also a process of giving yourself away. It’s like saying to someone, I will choose to love you, without any expectation of getting anything in return. Love, that expects nothing, is the ultimate act of faith.”

He took my hand and moved closer to me. Every fear and doubt that I’d ever had about finding a lasting relationship vanished in that moment. I felt an attachment to this amazing man that I’d never experienced before.

Maybe it was my insecurity surfacing again, but I felt the need to be sure about what he was telling me. “What exactly are you trying to say Noah?”

He moved even closer, brushing his lips against mine. My feelings for him ignited like an exploding star, and I was filled with a passion that overwhelmed my senses. His words were soft, just above a whisper. “I’m saying that it is our faith in one another that will bind us. I’m telling you that I’m willing to take a risk without a guarantee of getting anything in return. Faith is that certain knowledge I have in my heart that my love for you is a power strong enough to overcome anything that tries to get in our way.” His eyes were now a molten blue in the setting sun. They were also full of tears as he added, “I know we’ve only been together a short time. But the simple, complex, wonderful, amazing, beautiful thing that I’m feeling for you is this. I love you, Kate.”

In that moment, my world broke open. It was as though the final rays of sunlight, reached across time and space, found their way into my soul, and illuminated the darkness that had consumed my life. And in this moment I understood another truth. Each life is granted a miracle, one shot at finding something greater than our individual existence. I knew with a certainty that was beyond explanation that Noah Fraser was my destiny, my chance to be something better. Our lives were forever bound in my certainty that we would only be made whole as two that are one.

I held onto him as if my life depended on this moment, at the same time having the certainty that it did. I then said the three words that I knew would forever tell the story of our lives together.

“I love you.”

“Music forms the dance, but it’s the silence between the notes that gives birth to the sound. It’s the same thing with life. There are times when we have to listen to the silence before we can hear the music.”

My love-dad’s words, spoken to me in the imaginary conversation I’d had with him a few weeks back, had never been clearer to me than during the wonderful, exhilarating, magical week that Noah and I had spent together on Maui. I’d not only heard the music, I had fallen hopelessly, completely, madly, in love. I didn’t know how or why it had happened so quickly. All I knew was that I was grateful and deliriously giddy with wonder and joy when I arrived home, picked up Bernie, and stopped by to see my friends.

After we exchanged hugs, Mo stepped back and leveled one eye on me. “Oh my God.” She turned to Natalie. “Guess you didn’t need to worry ’bout the orgasm. Kate’s a goner.”

Natalie now had her eyes fixed on me. “Don’t tell me.”

I nodded. “I’m in love.” I said the words and twirled around, maybe like a princess, just not the
Star Wars
kind.

Mo’s heavy brow looked like the river channels on Mars. “How the hell did that happen?”

I shrugged. “Who can explain love? It’s just…it is.” I laughed and realized it came out sounding a little delirious.

I then spent the next hour, telling my friends about my week on Maui. Even though they said they were happy for me, Mo told me she was reserving judgment. “I seen it before, whirlwind courtships. Sometimes…” She shook her head and I realized there were tears on her cheeks. “I just hope it works out. Me and baby sis want the best for you.”

It was so unlike Mo to cry that I realized there were tears in my own eyes. I said, “I know that and I appreciate it.” I brushed my tears away. “I know this is the right thing.”

It was Natalie’s turn to be skeptical. “Don’t tell me you’re up the duff? Is that what this is about?”

“Don’t be ridiculous. If I was pregnant, the last thing I’d be doing is dancing around and…” I burst out laughing. “…acting like an idiot.”

“What about a wedding?” Natalie asked. “Do Mo and me need to start picking out bridesmaid dresses?”

“All I know is that Nana ain’t gonna be in the wedding,” Mo said. “That woman drives me crazy.”

“It’s way too early to start talking about weddings,” I said. “So, what gives with Nana?”

“She showed up at our photo shoot for
Wild Child
dressed like one of them go-go dancers from the seventies. It was like one of them bad LSD trips. I’m still trying to purge the pictures from my mind.”

After sympathizing with them for a few minutes, I changed the subject. “I’m going to talk to Collin Russell this afternoon. Do you think you could watch Bernie for a couple of hours? I want to do a little shopping afterward.”

“Shopping?” Mo said, turning to Natalie. “Kate’s going shopping. She’s got it bad.”

“You haven’t bought yourself a new wardrobe since…” Natalie paused, gathering her thoughts. “Come to think of it, you haven’t even bought a new dress in the past year.”

“It’s the new me. Noah and I are going to a play next weekend and I want to look my best.”

Natalie looked at Mo. “Maybe Noah gave her one of them crazy drugs that alters your personality.”

I handed over Bernie’s leash. “You’re right. It’s called a love drug.”

***

The afternoon was beautiful as I drove up the coast of Malibu. I had the windows down, letting in the warm ocean air as I turned up the radio. That Ed Sheeran song called “Thinking Out Loud” came on and I sang along. One of the lines said something about being kissed under the light of a thousand stars. It brought back every glorious moment Noah and I had spent together. Maybe it was a schoolgirl kind of thing to do, but I found myself imagining Noah and I getting married. By the time I got to Collin Russell’s house overlooking the ocean I’d even picked out a dress, flowers, and planned to use the song in our wedding.

“You’re a hopeless idiot,” I said as I got out of the car. “And hopelessly in love.”

I smiled and tried to focus on the task at hand. I was here to tell Russell about what was in my mother’s letters and ask him if it jogged anything in his memory about who my bio-dad might be. I also planned to ask him about Donald Regis and Kellen Malone.

“Come in, my child,” Russell said, after answering the door. He kissed my cheek and took my hand. “You’ve got to see my latest work.”

We went into his sunroom where he pulled a plastic tarp off an easel. “She’s called
Sunlight on Mars.
” He turned to me. “What do you think?”

I studied the painting for a moment. Russell clearly had talent, but the subject, a green woman on a red planet, was a little strange. “I think it’s wonderful,” I said. “You’ve captured the essence of what it means to be an alien.”

He blushed. “Thank you. I am rather proud.” He then led me over to the table, where he poured us tea. We chatted about the weather and his home for a few moments before he asked me about my mother’s letters. “I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t simply dying to hear what she said.”

I took several minutes, discussing each of the three letters. I told him that her first letter had confirmed that John Sexton was not my biological father. I then went on to tell him that my mother had said my father’s murder was part of a cover-up, orchestrated at the highest levels in Hollywood to silence what my father knew about the murder of Jean Winslow.”

“Oh, my,” Russell said. “You’ve got to be kidding. Jean Winslow?”

I nodded. “My father had worked part-time, doing security work at the studios. I think that’s where he met the actress.”

He made a tsking sound of disapproval. “This is huge. What else? What about the third letter?”

“My mother said that my biological father made a vow out of love never to reveal himself in order to protect me.” Russell blanched as I added, “Mom was going to turn Ryan Cooper into the authorities for abusing her when…when he effectively ended her life by putting her in the hospital.”

Russell’s gaze moved away when I finished my story. “It’s so terribly sad.” He looked back at me. “What are you going to do now?”

“I’m not sure. My friends and I also talked to a woman named Lana Palmer. She worked as a publicist for the studios at one time and was a friend of Jean Winslow. She and Winslow had a falling out over a man named Donald Regis. I thought he might have been involved in my father’s and Winslow’s deaths, but he recently turned up dead. It was ruled a suicide.”

His eyes held on me, unflinching. I started to feel uncomfortable until he finally said, “But you have your doubts—that it wasn’t a suicide?”

I nodded. “There was another man involved with Winslow at the time. He was said to be a big player in Hollywood. Maybe you’ve heard of him. His named is Kellen Malone.”

Russell pushed away from the table and stood up. “Malone?” He paced back and forth, saying, “No, I don’t think his name is familiar.”

I went over to him. His face was flushed and he seemed suddenly distraught. My eyes held on him. “What aren’t you telling me?”

Russell regarded me for a moment, looked away and sighed. “Give me a moment and I’ll explain everything.”

He disappeared down a hallway. I had no idea what had upset him, but he was obviously distressed by something I’d said. In a moment, he returned to the room. I saw that he was carrying a small wooden case as he came closer to me.

“What’s going on?” I demanded. “What aren’t you telling me?”

Russell lifted the lid on the wooden box and said, “I was married years ago, before…” He smiled. I had a thought that it was wistful, maybe carrying memories that had long been buried. He went on, “…before I came to terms with my sexuality. I’m afraid you stumbled upon a dirty little secret. Kellen Malone is my son.”

My eyes grew wider as he reached into the box and pulled out a gun. I took a step back. For some reason Noah entered my thoughts. Every beautiful moment of our future lives together seemed to hang in the air. My senses were on overload, knowing that this man held both my life in his hands and the fate of the man I loved.

Collin Russell fixed his eyes on me, aimed the gun at my head, and said, “I’m sorry it has to end this way.”

THE END