Holocaust (The Deadwood Hunter Series Book 3) (9 page)

Struggling to keep the mask on her face, she closed her eyes and forced the guilt, the self-hatred away. She knew she was unworthy. She knew she’d been hiding away inside of her mind because she was too weak to cope with her choices, but not anymore. Lexia had given up hiding. From now on, she was going to fight. Fight every day to bring her mother down to her knees. She wasn’t going to stop until Lucy Hunter watched every last one of her carefully laid plans crumble to her feet.

No! Let me through.

No more.
Taking control, she released just the slightest of hold to Maura, just enough for to keep eyes of gold.

Yet she couldn’t help think how it was too little too late. Lexia couldn’t see a way out of this for Alice. She looked at Lucy, attempting one last time to stop this. “What about our agreement? I’ve kept up my end; I stood by and watched while you whipped Derrick. I haven’t questioned you. There is no need for this. She’s just a civilian. Giving her the gift of hunter strength will not create a solider.”

Lucy frowned as she thought over Lexia’s statement and for one hopeful second, Lexia thought she might actually change her mind, but then her face hardened. That cruel, twisted smile appeared on her lips. Lexia’s stomach gave a lurch. Her heart leaped into her throat as she realized the inevitable.

“I never planned this so I had an extra solider. I have plenty of those already. This is a test, silly girl. Derrick happily gave your life to me and so far you’ve complied, yet I need to be certain, before I move forward. This will prove it.”

“This proves nothing!” Derrick interrupted.

“Quiet!” Lucy screamed, her face becoming twisted and enraged. “This is a test, Maura. Are you truly with me? By all means, save the pathetic life of your friend, but first you must choose one of them to die.” Lucy waved her hand toward Belinda and Marcus.

“We get it, boss. Save her,” Marcus said gravely.

“Oh, I do love volunteers. You inspire such loyalty, Maura. Do you not see the things we could accomplish together?”

I can’t do this. I can’t do this!

As her body shut down, overwhelmed with defeat, she turned to face Alice. “I’m sorry, Alice. It was never supposed to be this way.”

For a moment, Lexia saw the fear in Alice’s eyes disappear. When she looked at her friend, she saw Alice’s fire, her spark. “You really did die, didn’t you? There’s not a trace of Lexia left inside of you. There’s nothing but a monster. I don’t know you anymore.”

“You’re right, Alice. I’m nothing like the girl you once knew.” Lexia faced her mother, feeling a calm settle over her. “Very well, Mother, you may have your fun. I hope now you can see I’m willing to stand by your side.”

Lucy’s smile lit her face. Derrick dragged Alice forward as she screamed. Lexia watched as Lucy jabbed the needle into Alice’s neck. Alice’s eyes widened, her body contorted in pain and then she went slack, collapsing to the floor.

Lucy looked up. “It will require a few days to take effect.”

“Well, if you’ll excuse me, I have a unit to train. Marcus, Belinda, Derrick, come with me,” Lexia instructed.

Marcus helped Belinda from the room. Lucy didn’t even look up; she’d accomplished all she’d wanted, and in turn brought Lexia out of the hidden depths of her mind.

No more hiding. No more cowardice. I will have my revenge.

Chapter 12

Lexia only made it a few feet before she started to crack. Bent over and gasping for breath, she braced her hands on her knees and tried to regain control over her mind.

“Maura?” Belinda asked tentatively.

Lexia lifted her head, the clear blue of her eyes visible through her tears. “No, not, Maura. Never again.”

“You could have saved her, boss. We’d have understood,” Marcus said.

Lexia stood up with one final deep breath. She hardened herself, pushing every feeling she had away. The time would come when she could truly feel the pain for all she’d done, but now was not the time.

“What did I ever do to earn such loyalty? I couldn’t sacrifice your life for hers.”

“Her life was worth more than ours,” Belinda added. “Now you hold the guilt of her loss, too.”

Lexia looked at Belinda; angry she had no self-worth. “Do not ever think that. You’re deserving of life just as much as she is. You were never given the choice for this life and instead of allowing the hunter gene to consume you, you’ve held on. Alice will hold on, too. We need to make sure she holds on.”

Belinda sighed. “What is it we are holding on for? I used to hope there was a way out, but–”

“Enough of this! I know I have failed you. I know I have hidden away, but no more. We are all going to walk away from this. All of us. I will find a way. Marcus, take her to the infirmary. I’ll see you later.”

No more death. No more blood.

Striding away, Lexia called upon her need for revenge and held it around her like a shield. To the outside world, she was Maura: cold, unfeeling and deadly. Yet in reality, she was torn and fractured, held together with a strength born from hate. It fuelled her, drove her into tomorrow, and when she finally had her revenge, when she finally freed her people from the torture they endured, she planned to rid the earth of one last monster. And maybe then, she’d find her peace.

Rain pelted against her, dripping down her face in torrents. The wind held the cold edge of a winter intent of not giving up. Lexia watched her unit, the group of hunters who still had their humanity, however small. These people only survived because of her, yet she’d failed them. They followed her because they hoped she’d save them, yet Lexia had no idea how. She’d been hiding from all of them, hiding from the pain of living without her mate and from the grief and anger she felt over her father’s death, and from the many innocent lives Maura had destroyed.

“Is this necessary today? The forecast is better for tomorrow,” Derrick shouted above the howl of wind and splatter of rain.

Lexia didn’t look at him. Her eyes tracked those of her people, slipping and scrambling in the mud below her, running laps around the compound. “War doesn’t wait for good weather. They need to be ready.”

“We’re going to war now?” Derrick asked, stepping closer to hear her over the weather.

“What’s the matter, Derrick? You’re the one who warned of the storm coming.” She turned her head to face him, so he could see the tears streaming from her distraught blue eyes, mixing with the rain running down her face. “The storm is here. Are you afraid to fight?” His face filled with pity, his eyes softening with a sadness Lexia felt she didn’t deserve. “Don’t give me your pity, Derrick. I do not deserve pity. Everything that has happened, I’ve brought upon myself.”

The saddest of smiles formed on his lips and he reached out for her hand, clasping it as he turned to face the hunters below, still running, fighting against the rain and mud. “You never asked to be born this way, Lex. Yes you’ve made mistakes but you do not deserve any of this. I will fight, fight by your side until my last breath.”

“What have they done with Alice?” Lexia asked sadly, needing a change of subject.

“She’s sedated in the infirmary. Lucy left shortly after you. I’ve left someone watching her. She’ll be okay.”

Derrick’s words only made Lexia hate herself even more. Alice would never be okay. Lexia failed her friend. “She’s been turned into a hunter, Derrick, which will never be okay.”

“We’ll help her; help her cling to the light left inside of her.”

She shouldn’t have to. She should have been safe.

The tears started again. “It was never supposed to be this way,” she sobbed, clinging onto Derrick’s hand. He was the only thing keeping her standing. Her whole body felt as if it were shaking, the churning, and the dread within her uncontrollable. She felt like screaming; screaming until her voice was raw and her lungs burned for oxygen. She wanted to find her mother to hit her and keep hitting her until every ounce of anger left her. Lexia held a flurry of emotions and feared she may rip apart and never be put back together again. So broken inside, Lexia marveled at the fact she was still up and walking.

God, I’m so tired, so tired of fighting, of life… Just hold it together a little longer, Lex. Just win this fight and then it can end.

No longer able to stand still, Lexia let go of Derrick’s hand. “I need to run,” she called as she slid down the slope toward the unit running below. Her hands dug through the wet earth as she went. Hitting level ground, Lexia pushed off the hill sprinting. Her feet struggled to find traction. The rain was horizontal, blinding her as she ran head first into it, but she kept going, kept pushing herself faster and harder, and when the unit went inside, tired and filthy, Lexia still ran. While she was moving every inch of her body burned with her effort, the pain inside her heart and her soul dulled. So she ran, ran until the storm passed on and day was heading to night. It was only when Derrick stood in her path that she collapsed, the pain inside of her rushing back like a tidal wave. 

“Enough, Lexia,” he said, hauling her up. “You have punished yourself enough.”

“No punishment will ever be enough to make up for what I’ve done,” she shouted at him, slamming her fist into his chest. “I could save every one of these people, end my mother’s life and still it will never be enough.” Her other fist slammed feebly against him. The anger inside of her quickly extinguished with utter loss. “God, I want to save them, Derrick. I
need
to, but I have no idea how. How do I get out of this mess? How do I end this nightmare?”

Derrick gripped Lexia tightly as she buried her head against him. He wanted to have Lexia back so many times, to look into her blue eyes instead of Maura’s gold. Yet he felt no joy from having her here. Cupping her mud-stained face in his hands, he gazed down at her. “I don’t know, Lex, but what I do know is you are not alone. We
will
find a way.”

Lexia sucked in a breath, her lungs burning in protest. “Where do I even start?” she asked sadly.

Derrick clenched his jaw, forced his urge to comfort her away and spoke firmly. “First you are going to go clean yourself up, and pull yourself together. Wear your mask, Lexia, play your mother’s game, and when she grows complacent, you’ll find her weakness.”

“Walk with me,” she asked unexpectedly, dragging him toward the fence.

“We’ll be seen,” Derrick replied, planting his feet.

“I don’t care.”

Reluctantly, he went, following her as she jogged up the hill, asking her already exhausted body for more. Climbing the tree wasn’t an easy task for Derrick, but with a bit of guidance and a pull, she had him up beside her.

“Do you believe in God?” Lexia asked, glancing at him briefly, smiling at the death grip he had on the branch.

“No, and if he does exist, he’s not been very helpful,” he answered, looking straight ahead, as if a single movement would cause him to fall.

“My dad didn’t. He believed in science, in the things he could see and touch. I’ve heard God forgives all. Do you think he’d forgive me? Do I even deserve to be forgiven?”

“It doesn’t matter who forgives you, Lex, if you can’t forgive yourself,” he answered sadly.

Lexia struggled to breathe past the lump in her throat. She wrangled with her guilt daily. Sometimes living through it seemed an impossible task. “I’m not sure I can,” she whispered, resting her head on Derrick’s shoulder.

“Whoa, Lexia,” Derrick gasped, digging his fingers deeper into the tree’s bark. “I’ll fall.”

Laughing gently, Lexia rested her hand over his. “No you won’t. I wouldn’t let you.”

For a while, they sat silent, watching the day pass by. As the minutes ticked on, Lexia patched up her fractured soul, pulling herself together to survive another day.

“I can see why you love it up here,” Derrick said quietly, risking a quick glance at Lexia who was still propped against his shoulder.

“Up here, I can almost believe I’m still just me…almost.”

“What was it like?”

Her brow furrowed. “What was what like?” she questioned, sitting up to look at him.

He paused for a second and thought over how to phrase his next words. “Sometimes it was like you were two people. It was as if I could see the war inside of you. Not many would have noticed, for they have no concept of guilt and indecision.”

Looking at the vast forest, Lexia felt suddenly small and insignificant. She would rather not draw on her feelings of the past, but it was Derrick, and he deserved an answer. “It…it was, yes, like I was two people within one body, at war. Since my powers awoke, I always felt as if I had this darkness inside of me; this force slowly trying to claw its way into my every cell. But in the end, I let it win. I allowed Maura to fully take over, to become what she was.”

“To save Lincoln. Lucy would never have stopped until you’d given in.”

Lexia closed her eyes for a while, feeling tired. With shadows under her eyes, she looked far older than her twenty years. When she spoke next, her eyes stay closed, tightly squeezed together as if the horror of her next words were just too much to bear. She spoke quietly at first; a bare whisper until her words were forced from her mouth; until she fully admitted the truth.

“At first, yes, I stood looking at that funeral and saw no other way out without blood being spilt. I didn’t think of the innocent blood I would spill. I only thought of him. No, that’s not true. I knew what I’d release on the world if I gave in, but…but I didn’t care, not enough to take a different path. In that moment, all that mattered was him, not my recruits, not you. No one mattered. No one has really mattered since I met him…Lincoln.” She took a deep breath, revealing her deepest sin. “I…I’m not a good person. I’m just as bad as my mother.”

“That’s not true,” Derrick said sharply.

“Do you not see?” she answered urgently, needing him to understand. “I may have let Maura win to save Lincoln, but later, later it was easier to be Maura, to hide within her twisted mind and not deal with what I’ve done.”

“I don’t understand.”

“I am fractured, broken, dark and light. It hurts less to be only dark, to not feel the guilt over what I’ve done, to not feel the loss and pain that threatens to destroy me. Maura goes through life with no remorse. Life has no meaning. She cares only for herself. She doesn’t understand what it means to love and she never will, and I was so weak; I was a coward. I made the choice to hide behind her and now I’ll forever bear the price…and so will Alice.”