Holy Smokes (15 page)

“Kobal. I heard he got dumped onto sentry duty because his master caught him doing time with a supermodel.”

“Better to take a lesser job than to be excommunicated altogether, Effrijim,” it snarled at Jim. “That makes, what, two for you? First from the Court, then from Amaymon’s legions?”

Jim rolled its eyes. “Yeah, right, like being booted out of Abaddon ruined my day.”

“Enough,” I interrupted, a headache starting to build. “Open the damned gates. We want to get out of here.”

The sneer dropped a notch or two, but the demon stood impassive, its gaze shifting between us. “You have no authority over me, Lord Aisling.”

I leaned close to it. “No? Your boss told us to leave. You want us to tell him that you were the one who defied his explicit order?”

Kobal had the gate opened before you could say “demonic blackmail.” We stood outside it, glancing up and down a deserted street. There were no other houses to be seen, nothing but pastures and woods on either side, as far as the eye could see.

“I guess we walk,” I sighed, suddenly too tired to even contemplate moving one foot in front of another.

“You sit and call Rene to pick us up,” Uncle Damian said, pointing at a brick planter.

“I’m sure he’d be happy to, but we don’t know where we…oh.”

Uncle Damian held up his cell phone. I used to tease him about his obsession with the latest electronic gadget, but I had to admit that now was a time when it came in handy. “GPS?”

“Yes,” he replied, punching in a few buttons. “We’re not far out of London.”

My butt was numb from sitting on the hard brick planter by the time Rene toodled out from town and tracked us down thanks to the global positioning device. It didn’t take that long to make up my mind, however. By the time we were back home, I’d come to a decision.

“Uh-oh,” Jim said as I marched into the house, throwing my purse on a chair and heading straight for Drake’s office. “Warning, warning! Danger, Will Robinson!”

“What are you going on about?” I heard Uncle Damian ask from the hall.

“She’s got that look on her face. The one that says she’s been watching too many William Holden movies again.”

“I’m mad as hell, and I’m not going to take this any more!” I shouted at no one in particular as the three of them followed after me. “Traci, I summon thee.”

The demon appeared, its arms curled around something that wasn’t there, spinning blithely on one foot until it stumbled to a stop.

“Were you…dancing?” I asked, momentarily distracted by the thought of a dancing demon.

It narrowed its eyes and dropped its arms. “Is there anything in the rules that says I can’t take dance lessons?”

“No, but why…oh, never mind. Here.” I pulled out the handkerchief my uncle had given me earlier and dumped the piece of flesh into Traci’s hand. “Read this, then report back to me on any loopholes you can find to get out of paying some sort of homage to Bael.”

The demon’s eyes widened as it stared at the repulsive bit of flesh, prodding it with the tip of one finger. “Is this…is this the Doctrine?”

“Yes. Bael says I have to pay homage. He mentioned a sacrifice.”

Traci nodded. “Six innocent souls must be paid to the ruling prince.”

“Only six? Lovely.” I snatched up the phone, punched Drake’s cell phone number, listened for a minute as he did not answer, then slammed down the receiver and started out of the room. “Find me a loophole. Put every single demon in my legions onto the problem, but find me a way to get out of it!”

“Where are you going now?” Uncle Damian asked as I ran up the curved stairs to the floor above.

“To bed. If a dream is the only way Drake wants to talk to me, then by god, I’m going to have a dream he’ll never forget!”

“
C
ome out, come out, wherever you are!”

My voice echoed along the long, dark room as I lazily swam into deeper shadows. This dreamscape was familiar—a stone swimming pool filled with warm, scented water that was one of Drake’s favorite places. Columns lined either side of the pool, their shadowy fingers stretching across the surface of the water like inky tendrils. It was impossible to see anything beyond the columns, although I knew that at the far end of the room, a scarlet fainting couch resided. Usually we never made it as far as the couch, Drake preferring to make love in the water, but as I swam slowly down the length of the pool, I searched the shadows for signs of my errant lover.

“I know you’re here, sweetie. I can feel your presence. Are you teasing me with your dragon form?”

I waited for a flash of green scales in the dim light or flicker of a tail in my peripheral vision. Nothing moved but the water. I swam on, briefly admiring the white mosaic of a leaping horse on the bottom of the pool.

“You’re not in the least bit shy, which means you’re teasing me. Normally I’d be up for that, but I’ve had a day from Abaddon—literally—and I could really use the benefit of your oh-so-sexy self. Why don’t you come out here and make mad, passionate dragon love to me, and then we can play hide-and-go-seek in the shadows, hmm?”

There was no answer, no sound from even the darkest depths of the shadows. I paused, treading water as I listened intently. The only sound was of me in the water, and yet I knew Drake was here. I could feel him nearby, feel the heat that always accompanied him, my body reacting to his nearness just as it always did. And yet…something wasn’t right.

I opened the door in my mind that gave me access to my powers, using my improved vision to look deeper into the shadows surrounding me.

A flash of white caught the corner of my eye. I spun around in the water, watching with openmouthed surprise as a white lion padded out from the blackness to the edge of the pool. The animal simply looked at me for a moment before turning around and fading into the darkness.

“Um…OK. Is this some sort of game? Am I supposed to guess the meaning of a white lion?”

A fluttering sound overhead drew my attention to a great bird the size of an eagle that soared over me. It, too, disappeared into the shadows.

“Right. White lion and big eagle. Er…nope. Not getting it.”

Behind me, a low growl rumbled. I twisted around in the water, backpedaling madly as a huge tiger crouched at the edge of the pool, its muscles bunched as if it was about to spring. Before I could back up more than a few feet, it launched itself into the air. I shrieked and instinctively ducked, but the animal simply dissolved into nothing directly over my head.

“Ten out of ten for style, but I’m going to have to seriously dock you for the frustration factor, not to mention just about scaring the crap out of me,” I called out, swimming somewhat shakily to the steps and climbing out of the pool. Before me, one end of the fainting couch lay half-hidden in shadows, a large green cloth draped over one end. It was covered in symbols and what looked to be writing in Hindi, a springing horse in the center bearing some sort of fire on its back. I squinted at it for a moment, then realized it was the same pattern as was on the bottom of the pool. I wrapped the cloth around me, trying to hold on to the tattered edges of my patience. “Enough of the funny animals. When does the sexy, naked dragon show up?”

A man stepped out of the shadows at the far end of the pool, looking around him curiously.

“Gabriel?”

He turned around to face me, confusion written all over his face. “Aisling?”

“What are
you
doing in my dream?” I asked him, clutching the cloth tighter around myself.

“I don’t know,” he answered, stepping backwards until he disappeared into the shadows. I ran down the length of the pool, but by the time I made it to his end, he was gone.

“I don’t think this is funny, Drake!” I yelled, spinning around helplessly. “I don’t think this is funny at all!”

“Aisling?”

“I’m not laughing!” I bellowed, my voice echoing down the columns.

“No, but you are yelling. Fires of Abaddon, you’re a heavy sleeper.”

I opened my eyes to find Jim peering down at me. “Huh? What? Jim?”

“In glorious Technicolor. You OK? You were yelling in your sleep. And not a good sort of ‘Drake was boinking your brains out’ yell, either.”

I pushed my hair out of my face and sat up. “I was dreaming. There was no boinking, not that that is any of your business. What…what the heck?”

A small green cloth was clutched in my hand. I spread it out on the bed, staring at it. It was a smaller version of the one I’d had wrapped around myself in the dream. “Where did this come from?”

“Tibet, from the looks of it. You may want to get up and get dressed.”

“Tibet?” I said, looking closer at the cloth.

“Yeah, it’s a prayer flag, isn’t it? What they call a wind horse?”

I traced the figure of the horse in the center of the cloth, noticing with a prickle of gooseflesh that drawn in each corner were four animal symbols—a dragon, lion, tiger, and bird. “What on earth?”

“Ash, I really think you need to get up and get dressed. Traci said we were going to be summoned at three, and it’s five after already.”

“Oh, god. This is going to be another one of those days where people start talking about stuff like I know what’s going on, only I really don’t, and I spend the whole time trying to catch up, isn’t it?” I asked, pointing a finger at Jim.

“Yup,” it answered cheerfully.

I thought of pinning the demon down with questions, but if experience had taught me anything, it was not to question when Jim said to get dressed. I gathered up a bundle of clothing and retired to the bathroom, emerging a few minutes later to find Jim, Traci, and my uncle standing together in my bedroom.

“If you tell me you know what’s going on while I’m in the dark, I may well scream,” I told Uncle Damian.

“How can you not know what’s going on?” he asked, frowning.

I gritted my teeth and fought back the scream, turning instead to the steward. “What’s happening?”

The little rat had the nerve to look smug. “It is time for the challenge for the position of Venediger,” it answered.

“Ah,” I said, enlightenment dawning. “And I am supposed to watch you duke it out with the contender? OK. You guys could have chosen a better time, but I suppose it’s petty to quibble about a little lack of sleep.”

Traci looked at Jim. Jim looked at Uncle Damian. Uncle Damian frowned even harder.

“What?” I asked, a horrible presentiment stealing over me with an icy chill. “Oh, dear god. You can’t possibly mean…no.”

“You are the one holding the title of Venediger,” Traci pointed out, making me close my eyes as I tried to block out the horror of the truth. “I am simply acting on your behalf. Therefore, it falls to you to conduct the actual challenge, not me.”

“This is what you were trying to tell me the other day, isn’t it?” I asked, swearing at myself.

“It is.”

I opened my eyes, glancing with longing at the bed. There was nothing more I wanted at that moment than to crawl back into it, pull the covers over my head, and block out the world. “Right. Lesson learned: don’t assume you know what a minion is thinking. What horrible event have you set up for me as the challenge? Dueling pistols? Swords? I really could do without being skewered again. The dragon doctor said the baby wasn’t hurt by the last sword someone jammed through me, but I’d like to not risk that again.”

Traci’s face took on a shocked appearance. “My lord, I would not arrange for you to participate in an event that put you in danger of physical harm.”

“Oh,” I said, mollified. “Well, thank you. I appreciate that. What form will the challenge take?”

An odd expression stole over the demon’s face, one of mingled embarrassment and discomfort. “It was not easy to get the mage Jovana to agree to a form of challenge that would not harm you, my lord.”

“Uh-huh. What did you settle on?”

Traci pointed to Jim. “It was Effrijim’s idea. I asked it what sorts of skills you had, thinking to use that as a basis for a challenge that you would be comfortable with.”

I turned my attention on Jim, starting to get worried.

Nerves shot? Love life got you down? Heinous challenge for superiority on the horizon? Have we got the product for you! Try new and improved Dark Power for the solution to all the pesky problems in your life!

“It wasn’t easy, let me tell you,” Jim said, meeting my gaze without flinching in the least. “I mean, you could hardly have a challenge based on eating a whole box of chocolate-covered Oreos without once ralphing, could you?”

I made a face at it.

“Or balancing a spoon on the end of your nose.”

“Hey now! That’s very difficult to do!” I protested.

“Yuh-huh. I did think of the one thing you’ve gotten really good at of late.”

“Castration with just one glance?” I asked sweetly.

“Boinking Drake. But I figured you wouldn’t want the mage having her shot at him, in case, you know, she was better at it than you.”

I narrowed my eyes at the demon. “You are perilously close to eunuchdom, dog. What did you tell Traci to use as the challenge?”

“Dragon’s Lair.”

I blinked a couple of times, hoping against hope it would clear the obvious problem in my hearing. “What?”

“Dragon’s Lair. You know, the arcade game? Your uncle says you were addicted to it when you were younger.”

“She played it night and day,” Uncle Damian said, nodding. “Couldn’t get her away from the damned arcade place for a good two years. Had to threaten to send her to one of those cult detox places before she stopped playing.”

“I was in college!” I told him. “Everyone played it!”

He raised an eyebrow.

“Yeah, so I figured if you were Miss Dragon’s Lair, then you were probably pretty good at it,” Jim finished. “So I told Traci to try that.”

Traci nodded. “The mage didn’t want to accept it as a form of challenge, feeling the more traditional fight to the death was in line with the importance of the position, but when I pointed out to her that you had hundreds of thou sands of demons who would avenge you if need be, she decided to withdraw the lethality requirement of the challenge.”