Home From Within (31 page)

As Jessica rode with Seth to the restaurant, he asked all the right questions, not prodding too much, but Jessica could not help but be distant. Why did her father lie about killing Paul? Why would he keep Paulina from her father? Jessica then turned on herself, asking why she didn’t go back to Chicago with Paulina, especially in those early years. Why did she allow her father to keep her away for so long? Jessica now believed that if Paul had known she had his child, he would have welcomed them with open arms.

Jessica loathed herself for allowing fear to control her. She felt so stupid, so bad, so wrong. Her fingers started pushing into her hands, making lasting marks with her nails. Seth asked her a question about some people at the service.

Jessica stopped hurting herself and spoke as if reciting a fact. “Most are police officers. Not sure about the others. I didn’t know most people there.”

Seth cracked a laugh. “Could’ve fooled me.”

For the first time since leaving the service, Jessica looked Seth’s way. “Well, the Ripps are a big family, a lot like yours.”

As Seth got closer to the restaurant, he commented on how happy he would be to get back to the clean air and no traffic of the UP. “I don’t know how you ever lived here.”

The Freilassen was quiet as smoky smells of meat hung in the air, making even the most grief-stricken attendee crave a piece. The back room held ample space for the lunch, and Jessica spent the first few minutes staring at the large mounted elk on the wall, its eyes black and nondescript. It reminded her of her father’s office, a room that even to this day made the pit of her stomach drop.

Marilee’s voice pulled her attention back to the present. “I am so sorry you saw Paul that way. I tried to tell you once I figured out you thought he was dead.”

“Please don’t apologize . . . it’s not your fault. But I’m in complete shock.”

The girls found a spot at the bar. Marilee ordered a Bloody Mary, Jessica an iced tea, and Marilee filled her in on Paul.

“When you disappeared, he went crazy. He followed me home a few times, thinking he may see you at my house. Mrs. Daley searched me out, asking what happened to you; she even went to your house. I really had no clue what happened, my dad was tight-lipped—you know how that brotherhood is.” Jessica grimaced. “My mom said you were alive, but she wouldn’t give more details—too loyal to my dad. I felt so bad for Paul; he seemed completely lost. He went over the deep end: fighting in school, openly selling—and it was definitely
not
tamales. I didn’t see him much over the summer of our junior year—he was too troubled. But at some point, he changed. I’m not sure how or why. And guess what? He’s a police officer. He’s on a tactical unit—gangs and drugs. Eddie says he’s good, knows his stuff. Oh, and guess who he’s . . .” But before Marilee could finish, Paulina walked up with Seth, and their conversation was overtaken with Marilee asking Paulina, “What are you doing and where are you going in life?” Paulina had a lot to say about her last year of high school and plans to venture off to college. As Paulina was answering Marilee’s abundant questions, Seth leaned in and asked Jessica how she was holding up. He had gathered from overhearing little details that coming home might be really hard on her.

Jessica tried to loosen her tight smile. “I’m doing the best I can, under the circumstances.”

“You should hear your boyfriend. He’s frantic to be with you. I told him I have it under control but he doesn’t sound assured.”

Jessica saw Marilee peek at her when the word “boyfriend” was mentioned. She chuckled when Marilee broke the flow of conversation to ask Paulina about Jessica’s boyfriend.

Jessica missed Matt deeply and could summon the feeling of his comforting arms when sorrow paralyzed her. But considering the circumstances, she was glad he was not there. Jessica rationalized that Matt would not let her and Paul have a word alone, something Jessica desperately needed to do.

Aunt Lodi finally edged Jessica into a corner at the restaurant. Jessica had been avoiding her looks since she fell to the ground in the forest preserve and while she was talking with Marilee and others at the restaurant.

“That was Paulina’s father? How could that be? He’s supposed to be dead!”

“I know. I know,” Jessica said, hating herself again.

“Jim didn’t kill him,” Aunt Lodi said in shock.

Jessica and Aunt Lodi stared at each other for a few seconds.

“Jim didn’t kill him,” Aunt Lodi repeated, but with a small smile on her face. After a few more minutes, Aunt Lodi asked what Jessica was going to do.

Jessica pursed her lips together for a moment. “He asked me to meet him so we can talk. He knows Paulina’s his; all he did was look at her and ask how old she was.”

Aunt Lodi shook her head. “Jessica, be careful. Your feelings are falling out of you, and I sense they’re not all platonic. You have Matt to think about. And of course Paulina—Matt’s the only dad she knows.”

Jessica gave careful consideration to what Aunt Lodi was saying, and she could not deny the truth in her words. Paul was her first love, her daughter’s father, and seeing him today sparked a feeling Jessica had only felt with him. As the truth of his existence settled inside Jessica, her thoughts were taking a physical turn. She so desperately wanted to reach out and gently stroke his face, touching parts of him that he gave her so many years ago. Jessica knew it was wrong to think that way, but she could not convince her younger self, the fifteen-year-old that fell in love for the first time that the thirty-four-year-old knew better.

People filtered in and out of Jessica’s periphery at the restaurant, but her head was sunk into how to excuse her shame and how to explain to Paul her inability to dictate her destiny at sixteen. But how would she explain it at eighteen or twenty-one? Or thirty-four? Would he believe that she thought her father killed him? Believe that she thought he was sunk at the bottom of the Chicago River in cement shoes? And what about Matt? How did he fit into the equation now? Jessica shivered at the thoughts of Matt. She loved him deeply, safely, but Paul inflamed her like no other. And Paulina was his, despite Matt being the only father she had known.

Jessica started feeling nauseous, so she got a ginger ale to calm her stomach and walked to where her mother was standing alone, near a window that overlooked the street.

Jessica approached quietly and asked what she was doing.

Her mother continued to stare out the window, her silhouette doused with a clouded hue. “I was just remembering the last time your father and I were here. We met Bob and Sue. Your father had the venison roast. I had the only fish item on the menu. It was a lovely evening.”

Jessica became nervous, unsure how to respond. “That sounds nice.”

Her mother turned to her slightly. “Those are the moments I will miss the most. It may be small and insignificant to some, but to me those are memories of a solid life.”

Her mother gave Jessica a half smile and walked toward the waitress to pay the bill.

In the parking lot, Jessica thanked Seth for staying with her and circumvented his guilt about driving back to the UP. Despite numerous angles, he finally agreed to leave and unwittingly let Jessica wrestle her demons alone. Of course, the only demons Seth knew of were the ones Matt told him about; Jessica shaded the truth as much as she could. Marilee was another matter because she insisted on going to PJ’s with her. Jessica decided that her conversation with Paul needed to happen alone; it was a private matter.

And deep down she still wanted Paul to want her.

“I know you mean well, but I have to handle this on my own.”

Marilee looked at Jessica as if she were a child, but relented. “Promise me you’ll call afterwards. I need to know what happens.”

Jessica agreed, and after lots of hugging and hand-holding, each crouched into their respective vehicles and drove away.

In the car, Paulina was talking a mile a minute, about all the new people she met and how much she loved Jessica’s friend Marilee. But Paulina also questioned why she was never exposed to any of the Ripps if they were such good friends. Jessica had planned all the ways to deceive many years back and explained that when she got pregnant and moved to the UP, they were very young and struggled to maintain communication, eventually losing touch all together. But she always missed her friend and knew that one day they would seamlessly ignite their friendship because they had too much history, too many “firsts” together. Jessica also admitted it was more her fault than Marilee’s and that she has never been a good pen pal.

“I guess,” Paulina said. “But Marilee seems like the type who would be in your life no matter what. It’s weird you never talked about her.”

Jessica didn’t know how to answer and fell silent. Aunt Lodi chimed in about how much easier it is to stay connected today with cell phones and e-mail and that their losing touch was a matter of technology not choice.

When everyone arrived at the Turner home, they once again retreated to their individual sanctuaries. Jessica stood outside her former bedroom to let Paulina know she had a few errands to run and would be back later tonight. Paulina hardly batted an eye as she crawled under the covers on the bed and gave her a sleepy grin.

“I love you very much,” Jessica said, lingering in the doorway.

“I know,” Paulina muffled, with her head covered by the comforter. “I love you too.”

“You’re going to meet him?” Aunt Lodi asked after entering the guest bedroom.

Jessica was rummaging around the closet, trying to find something that was not black. “Yes, as soon as I find something to wear.”

Aunt Lodi sat down on the edge of the bed and watched Jessica fumble with the hangers, finally stepping back and turning toward Aunt Lodi. “Forget it. Do I look all right?”

“All right for what?”

“Please, I’m just going to talk.”

“I want you to call upon the life you have built with Matt and Paulina. I want you to remember how long it took you to build that life. Please don’t let a moment of guilt burn all that to the ground.”

Jessica summoned all her goodness to shine in front of Aunt Lodi. “I promise I’ll do what’s best.”

“Best for who?” Aunt Lodi retorted.