Home to You (5 page)

She was moving with her boyfriend, Paul, who was already there waiting for her. I knew she needed him, that she was grieving too, but I couldn’t help feeling like she was choosing him over me. Over the memories of her own son—the memories of my father.  

Jake became my rock. The only thing I had left in the world. We spent every night together, every weekend, and when the nightmares started, he began sleeping in my bed...
 

 
My heart slammed in my chest and I couldn’t breathe. The room was thick and foggy, like walking through a funhouse filled with a cloud of dry ice. Off in the distance was a dark hall, but I couldn’t see its end. I grew frightened and nervous. W
hy was I here? Why was I alone?
 

Then up ahead, surrounded by puffs of white smoke, was Jake. His back was to me as he walked down the hall.
 

Come back,
I wanted to yell, but panic squeezed my throat, and I couldn’t make a sound. I began to run, chase after him, and my heartbeat came faster and faster.
 

But it wasn’t fast enough, wasn’t good enough…I couldn’t catch him.
 

Jake! Don’t leave me. Please don’t leave me!
 

“Shh.” Jake’s deep voice filled my ear, and he pulled me to his solid chest. “I’m here. Shh.”  

I opened my eyes, thankful it was only another nightmare, and pressed my hot cheek to his bare skin.

“It was just a dream.” He ran a hand down my back. “Shh…”
 

His blue eyes locked with mine, and the backs of his fingers caressed the side of my face. “Don’t cry,” he pleaded, his calloused thumb brushing away a single tear.

His voice calmed me. The soft light of dawn allowing me to see how much he cared about me. My dreams affected him more than they did me.
 

“I’m so sorry,” I whispered, knowing this wasn’t the first time I’d woken him this way.
 

“Don’t be sorry.” His voice was deep and groggy and he began to smooth my hair away from my face.
 

I could smell the familiar scent of his skin and my heart began to pound again.
 

“I haven’t had one in a while.” I looked up at him. His eyes were closed, and I thought he might want to go back to sleep.
 

“Yeah.”
 

My eyes shifted to the dimple of his chin, then slowly up to his full lips. He hadn’t shaved since the morning before and already had a scruff of beard. I ached to be able to run my hand along his jaw. To touch him the way I’d always wanted to.

When I looked up again, his eyes were open, and he was watching me. My chest tightened with embarrassment, and I tried to pull away, but his hand caught me behind the neck, holding me firm.
 

My breath grew heavy under his gaze, and his hooded eyes moved to my lips. I was frozen, unsure of what was happening, and then his mouth came down to mine. Softly at first, like I could blow him away with an exhale, but then the kiss became firmer, sweeter, and he sucked softly on my bottom lip until I whimpered.
 

When his velvety tongue slipped into my mouth, he groaned, sending a pulse of need straight to the pit of my stomach. My hands trailed down his back, and his muscles flexed under my touch. I couldn’t think. My whole body was alive from his kiss, and all I wanted was more.

He rolled me to my back, his body heavy on mine, and looked deep into my eyes. For a second I thought he was going to pull away, but then he placed a gentle kiss on my forehead, my nose, and found my mouth again.
 

A soft moan escaped me, a low, primal sound I’d never made before. I arched against him, my body more alive with each touch, his erection pressing into my hip.
 

My insides turned to liquid, and I wanted to touch him. I wanted to give him an ounce of the pleasure his kiss gave me. With trembling fingers, I found the strings of his sweatpants, but the next thing I knew, he rolled away from me and sat on the far edge of the bed.
 

“Katie, I can’t.”
 

His words came on a breathy pant, but I felt them like a hard slap.
 

Embarrassment and pain surged through me, and I moved to the end of the mattress. “I’m sorry,” I whispered, not knowing what else to say.
 

“No, damnit.” He reached out to touch me, but I rolled my shoulder to shrug him off.

“Jake, it’s okay.” I took a deep breath, trying to force down the hurt, but bile crept up my throat. “I need to get ready. I have work this morning.”
 

 
As if on cue, the alarm beeped to life on my nightstand, and I reached out to silence it. The tension was palpable, and I didn’t waste a minute before pushing myself to stand and running to the bathroom.
 

“Katie!” He called out, but I didn’t answer. I closed the door behind me and turned on the shower so he wouldn’t hear me cry. When I returned twenty minutes later, my emotions locked away in the safe place I usually didn’t hide from Jake—he was gone.
 

As I pulled off the freeway, I took a deep breath and tried to process all that had happened. Everything changed after our kiss. It was in that moment, alone in my bedroom, I accepted the fact that nothing would ever come of us. That no matter what I did, he’d always think of me as someone to take care of, like the little sister he had to protect. Every contact became painful, and nothing remained of the playful banter we’d always shared. He never came to my bed again. Didn’t come into my room without knocking—didn’t seek me out at all. I was depressed, alone, and knew it was finally time to move on.  

After graduation, I got the first job I applied for. A position as a photojournalist at a small paper in San Diego. Within a week, I’d packed my bags and had my car loaded. I was ready for a new start. Finally ready to put that needed distance between us so I could get over him…   

Jake placed the last of my boxes into the back of my car, then shoved his hands deep in the pockets of his jeans. “Are you sure this is what you want?”  

The tension was so thick I almost couldn’t breathe. “Yeah. It’s a great opportunity.”  

His lips lifted in a smile, but his eyes were hard. Just like the wall that ran a thousand miles between us. He stepped forward and tucked a strand of hair behind my ear. The thing he’d done a million different times, but a touch I hadn’t felt in weeks. “There are jobs here too, you know.”  

My throat burned, my heart clenched, and fear bubbled inside me. Could I really do this? Move away from the last person who really knew me? The man who owned my heart? “Yeah, well. There’s nothing here for me anymore.”  

I wanted him to say it wasn’t true, that
he
was still there. I wanted him to be angry, or hurt like I was. I wanted him to have any other response than what he did.  

His jaw flexed, and he opened the door to my car. “I’m happy for you, Kit Kat. Call me if you need anything.”  

I promptly got inside without giving him a second glance. It was easier that way.
 
Easier not knowing if he was sad to see me go. Easier not knowing if he watched me as I drove away.

I cried the whole drive to San Diego, and continued every night for the first month I was there. He finally called to check on me a few months later, but I knew he was only doing what he thought he should. His
brotherly duty.
Just like he’d been doing every day since.
 

As I turned the moving truck down Jake’s street, my hands burned from my vise-like grip on the steering wheel. I pulled to a stop on the opposite side of the road and watched him. He was arranging boxes around in his garage, completely unaware of my presence.
 

I won’t fall for you this time, Jake Johnson. This time I’ll know better.

AS SOON AS I CUT the engine, the whole cab silenced, and some of the tension melted from my shoulders. Jake still hadn’t noticed me, and for the first time in the twenty years, I was thankful for his oblivion. It was ironic really. I used to ache for him to notice me, and now I sat there needing more time before he did.
 

He’d called me out of the blue six months ago, telling me about his new house. Actually, he’d called a lot over the years. Every birthday, Christmas, and even the anniversary of Dave’s accident. Though he never said it was the reason.

When he invited me for a visit, I’d been so nervous. I began pacing back and forth and rattling off all the reasons I couldn’t go. That I was too busy, that I couldn’t take the time off work, or even leave Kevin that long. But now as the butterflies swarmed an angry flurry inside me, I realized it was more than that. I’d stayed away on purpose. I stayed away too long.  

He was still in the garage, and I could just make out the flex and shift of his muscles as he stacked one box on top of the other. He wore a pair of old jeans that were frayed at the cuffs, and a plain white T-shirt spread over his broad shoulders. I’d secretly hoped he’d changed a little bit. Maybe put on a few pounds, developed a bald spot, or even lost a few teeth. But even from ten yards away I could tell my wish hadn’t come true. He was beautiful. Well, in that very masculine and rugged sort of way. His dark, wavy hair was longer now. Curled at his nape the way it always had been when we were kids. People thought we were related back then. Not only because we were always together, but I guess we had similar features. We were both tall, had dark hair and blue eyes. Other than that, I just didn’t see it. He was gorgeous, and I was just me.
 

The sound of the Dodger game carried across the warm breeze, and I realized that was why he was so blind. The world could be ending, but if Jake was listening to a ball game, he wouldn’t notice. Some things never changed I guessed. I could still get lost watching him, and his blood still ran Dodger blue.
 

After five minutes, and a few cleansing breaths, I decided it was time to stop procrastinating and pushed the door open. The strap of my tank top sagged to my shoulder, and I brushed it back up before hopping to the asphalt. I closed my eyes, cursed my racing heartbeat, then took a deep breath and crossed the street to Jake.
 

“Hey, stranger,” I called out. My voice sounding strained and hoarse even to my own ears.
 

He looked up, seeming not to notice, and his handsome face transformed into a huge smile. He walked over, meeting me halfway, and lifted me off my feet in a firm hug. “Hey, beautiful.”
 

I gripped him tighter. Not realizing how much I needed this. It had been so long since he’d lifted me like that. So long since I’d been held by a man who actually made me feel small. My heart leapt to my throat, and he lowered me to the ground.

He held me at arm’s length and his smile faded. His rough fingers brushed across my left cheek causing a stir low in my belly. “You look like shit, Katie.”
 

“Thanks.” I laughed then swallowed. “What happened to beautiful?”
 

He let out a breath. “What did he do to you?” His voice was soft, but I heard the protection under its surface. The protection I both loved and hated at the same time.