Hopeless Vows (12 page)

I STRETCH MY L
imbs over my head while yawning. The early morning light from the window rousing me from sleep. Glancing at the clock, I see it’s almost seven. Carefully, I turn to my side to look at Austin, but he’s already awake, watching me. I’d expect to feel embarrassed or shy waking up next to a man I hardly know. Especially one who’s studying me so closely, but I feel neither of those things. I’m surprisingly at ease, comfortable even. Sure, we slept in the same bed during our honeymoon, but this is different. This is more real, not some fantasy we’re living out in paradise.

This could be my forever.
The thought is fleeting as it crosses my mind, but is quickly dismissed as soon as it surfaces.

With a sleepy smile, he says, “Good morning, gorgeous.” His groggy voice gets me every time, always causing a swarm of butterflies to take flight in my stomach. No man should sound so sexy when he wakes up. Add that to his smooth, bare chest, tousled brown hair, and dreamy chocolate eyes, and he’s every woman’s fantasy. And for now, he’s all mine.

“Good morning,” I reply.

“What’s your favorite childhood memory?” he inquires. Since we moved in together three days ago, we ask each other questions before the cameras barge in and start rolling. It was a suggestion he made the night of our wedding. We’re under strict orders not to do anything like this and to wait until the crew is present, but how are they going to find out? Honestly, I kind of like it. It’s almost like we’re rebelling against the system or something. Plus, what are we supposed to do? Stare up at the ceiling and ignore each other until seven?

I think back to my childhood reluctantly. There aren’t many bright moments, but one sticks out. Maybe because it’s the only positive memory of my parents I have. “There was this one time my parents took me to McDonalds. I got a happy meal and got to play on the playground for a while.” My eyes lose focus as I reflect on that day. It was nice to be a kid, if only for a few hours. We were together with no fighting or yelling. To anyone looking at us, we looked like any normal family, and that’s probably why I clung to it. As I grew older, I would hold on to that moment, trying desperately to block all others out. If it was the only thing I could remember of our time together, then all the bad shit would disappear like it never even happened. Unfortunately, that’s not the case. No matter how much I try to hide from the ugly, it’s there in the recesses of my mind.

Snapping out of the past, I look back at Austin who has a puzzled look on his face. I can see he wants to ask me so many questions about this. Mainly, why is
that
my favorite memory? What he doesn’t know is it’s the only time I remember my parents being sober enough to acknowledge my existence. He doesn’t get to dig any further though because we’re interrupted by knocking at the door.

“Showtime,” he says on a sigh as he jumps up to answer the door. It’s nice to know he finds the intrusion just as bothersome as I do. At the same time, I’m relieved for the interruption as it stopped further probing into a past I wish like hell I could forget.

He glances over his shoulder at me, and I give him a slight nod, which is my signal I’m decent enough for company. The crew files in once the door is open and takes their usual places around the room. I’ve found they don’t move around much, mostly taking up post in the corners. It makes it easier to pretend they’re not there.

“Just a heads up before we start rolling, but from now on, if you have to go somewhere, transportation has been arranged for you. That way there are no issues with filming.” Amanda, the producer, gives me a pointed look. It takes every effort not to roll my eyes, especially since I’d already been lectured on this before.

“We don’t need to remind you of the terms of your contract, do we?” she asks with an air of condescension.

Arching my eyebrow at her tone, I reply, “No.”

“Good, then you know you should’ve waited for us to hook up before leaving.”

“Look, I was already running late. I couldn’t wait for you guys to get consent forms signed and to hook up gear.” She starts to interject, but I hold up my hand and continue, “This is a reality television show, correct? Then don’t you want to capture real life? Waiting for you to bug a taxi isn’t real life. It’s not candid, and you’re interfering.”

“We want to make sure we capture everything.”

“You didn’t have a problem with it on my way to work. You guys just trailed me. Plus, it’s not like you missed any deep or meaningful conversations. I was in the cab alone.”

“But you could have called someone, had an argument, who knows what could have happened.”

Now, I’m just pissed. I realize I signed up for this, but she’s talking about me like I’m some sort of puppet and she’s the puppeteer. “Here, you want to check my phone log?” I say as I hold out my phone. “I text messaged Austin to let him know I was on my way, that’s it.” My words are dripping with attitude and annoyance.

She squints her eyes at me, debating on whether or not to keep arguing the point. It’s moot anyway since we can’t turn back time. “We’ll table this conversation for now, but it will be addressed in the future and corrected.” It almost sounds like a threat, but I can’t be bothered by it. Because really, I just don’t care.

“Oh good, saves me on cab fare,” I reply sarcastically when I focus on the present. Austin’s snicker beside me causes my lips to twitch slightly. I told him about being scolded by the production team since we spent the night at our own homes. He, too, thought it was ridiculous. Honestly, when I applied for this, I had no idea there would be such an invasion of privacy. I’m not sure what I had expected, but it’s almost to the point where I feel like I have to let them know I’m about to take my birth control pill, or go pee in case they want to film that.
Wouldn’t want to miss something important.

After the brief interruption, Austin and I settle back into our routine. He fixes us each a cup of coffee while I get some bagels going, then we sit at the table and eat together. Again, it feels so natural, like I’ve been doing this with him my whole life.

“What’s on your agenda this afternoon?” he asks.

“I’m going out with Janey to get a mani pedi, then I’m going to get my hair and makeup done for the event tonight. You didn’t forget, did you?” Tonight is the night of the party for my work. Truthfully, I’m a little nervous about bringing him with me. Janey normally attends these things with me. This will be the first time I’ve brought a man and will be announcing him to everyone as my husband. Well, if you don’t count the wedding, but this is real life. My life. It isn’t set up by a production team, and will be the first time I’ve really introduced him to my world.

“Of course not.” He leans in and kisses me on the cheek. “But I only need thirty minutes or so to get ready. So if you’re going to be gone all day, I’m going to grab lunch with my buddy, Mike. What time do we need to leave?”

“It starts at seven, so I’d say we need to leave about a quarter after six. My boss isn’t exactly a fan of the whole ‘fashionably late’ concept unless she’s the one who’s not on time, so it’s best to play it safe and be punctual.”

“Sounds good. I’ll be ready then.”

An hour later I’m showered, shaved, and ready to meet Janey. Walking to the door, I shout over my shoulder, “I’m heading out. I’ll see you in a bit.”

I open the door and am about to leave when he calls after me, “Hey, you forgot something.”

Looking down at myself, I take a mental inventory of my things. Keys, phone, purse, sunglasses. All accounted for. With my eyebrows furrowed in confusion, I turn around and ask, “What?”

He walks—no, he stalks—over to me, puts his hand around my waist, and pulls me close. “This,” he says against my lips, his warm breath fanning across my face. When his lips touch mine, I nearly melt. It may be the sweetest, gentlest, purest kiss I’ve ever experienced in my life. It’s not hurried or desperate or overly sexual. It’s as if he’s trying to communicate with actions what he can’t with words. He’s tender as he gently cups my face and pours affection into me. When he pulls away, my eyes are still closed, afraid to open them and break the moment.

“Have fun today,” he whispers.

Slowly opening my eyes, I stare into his chocolate orbs. There’s a hint of cockiness in his expression, knowing the effect he has on me. Upon closer inspection though, there’s something that catches me slightly off guard. An emotion I’ve never seen from a man before.

Adoration.

“Thanks,” I barely get out before looking at the ground and walking out of the door. Internally, I’m panicking.

This can’t happen.

I can’t let it.

He doesn’t need to look at me that way.

He can’t.

And he wouldn’t if he knew the truth.

He would be repulsed—disgusted—and would hate me.

But, God, I wonder what it would be like to keep my secret. To let whatever is going on between us happen. It would be so easy to fall for him, that’s obvious. It’s been harder to resist his charming ways and keep him at a distance than it would be to cave. The smallest part of me—the evil, deceitful part that’s in my DNA—wonders if I should be selfish and do this for me. I could make him happy, as long as he never finds out.

“SO, I TOOK
him back to my place where we could . . . you know.” Janey goes on telling me about her date as we get our toes done. I love her to death and she’s my best friend, but she has no shame. She’d talk about a blow job she’d given in the middle of Time Square and wouldn’t be embarrassed in the least. I, on the other hand, think certain things should be kept private. Even so, it doesn’t stop me from laughing at all her crazy stories. She certainly has a flair about her.

“Yes, Janey, I know.”

“As soon as we walked through my apartment, all I could think about was licking his abs. I mean you should see this guy, Jill, he’s delicious.” She clutches her hand to her chest and literally swoons. “Eventually, one thing leads to another and we’re going at it on the couch. Everything is fine and we’re both really into it. Then, he wanted me to turn around and ride him backwards, so I did. His legs were spread wide and mine were in between his with my feet on the ground. But, oh my God . . .”

“That hot, huh?”

“No—I mean, yeah, it was hot—but oh my God it was a workout! Have you ever ridden someone like that for a prolonged period of time? It felt like I did a hundred squats! My legs were on fucking fire and all I could think was dear God I hope he’s almost finished.”

Even though the girls doing our nails are giving each other sideways glances, I can’t help laughing until my cheeks hurt. Between her story and the look of exhaustion on her face, I lose it.

“It was awful! I don’t work out enough for this. Thank God he couldn’t see my face.”

“Why’s that?” I ask once I’ve gained a little composure.

“Because I felt like one of those bodybuilders. You know the ones in the gym whose faces are red, veins bulging out of their necks, and they’re screaming ‘One more! Just one more!’ That was my expression. I kept blowing air in and out like I was doing reps at the gym.”

I’m clutching my stomach with tears running down my face at this point. “I can’t breathe,” I wheeze out, trying to calm down enough to bring air into my lungs.

“Call me lazy, but I don’t want to put in that much effort to get my rocks off. You’d think he’d at least help a little. Maybe support my ass to take some of the weight off of my legs, but nope. He just sat there and let me do all the damn work.”

I wipe the remaining tears from under my eyes, finally catching my breath. “Let me guess, you won’t be seeing him again.”

“Eh, I don’t think so.” After a pause, she asks, “Enough about me, how are things with you and Austin?”

Out of the corner of my eye, I’m very aware of the camera crew sitting off to the side. I widen my eyes and give her a pointed look, hoping she catches on that we can’t talk about certain things in front of them. “We’re good actually. He’s really sweet and thoughtful. I don’t know, he makes me feel special,” I say with a shrug, downplaying the importance, but it is a big deal. At least to me. I haven’t felt like I meant anything to anyone my whole life.