Hopes (12 page)

Gem stood quietly as Ellie groomed him. Even without connecting with him, she could feel his depression. It matched her own, and after she had finished brushing him over she stood for a few moments, hugging him.

“Let’s not go into the ménage today,” she said to him. “Let’s go out for a ride instead.” Her uncle was out at a show, with four of the livery horses and Stuart, Helen, and Sasha, leaving just Ellie and Luke on the yard.

Tacking Gem up, she mounted and headed towards the drive. Luke was coming out of the barn. “I thought you were supposed to be schooling him?”

“I don’t feel like it.”

Luke frowned. “Where are you taking him?”

She shrugged. “I don’t know. Up to the mountains.” She just wanted to get away from the yard—be on her own.

Luke folded his arms. “Is that a good idea? Why don’t I come out with you? I’m supposed to be taking Gabriel out anyway.”

Ellie shook her head. “I’ll be fine.”

“Ellie!” Luke frowned. “Let me come. Gem can still be really unreliable.”

Ellie didn’t say anything. With a click of her tongue, she walked Gem on. But Luke stepped in front of her. The pony stopped in surprise, throwing his head up.

“Get out of my way,” she said, annoyed.

“No!” Luke argued. “Stop being so stubborn. You’re going to wait five minutes while I tack up.”

Ellie’s emotions swirled. “I don’t have to do what you tell me!”

“You do. You’re not thinking straight.”

“I am!” Tears welled in her eyes. “I’m fine.”

“Really?” he snapped. “There’s a foal starving in one of the stables and you don’t seem bothered. That’s you being fine? I don’t think so, Ellie.”

Ellie couldn’t bear looking into his accusing eyes. He just didn’t get it. No one did. No one knew how much she was hurting. “Leave me alone!”

“No, I won’t!” he responded. “I’m not going to let you pretend this isn’t happening. The foal is refusing to eat. You could at least try to get her to drink. You’re amazing with horses who have problems—horses who are sick.”

“I wasn’t amazing with Spirit!” The words wrenched out of her. “I couldn’t get
him
to eat!”

“Ellie! This isn’t about Spirit!” Luke exclaimed. “No one could have done anything for him. Not you. Not anyone. Even if you could have got him to eat it wouldn’t have changed anything anyway. The foal’s different. If she started to feed she’d be healthy again.” He stared at her. “I can’t believe you’re just opting out like this.”

“Believe it,” Ellie muttered numbly.

Luke swore. “For heaven’s sake, Ellie! Will you stop being so wrapped up in yourself? Spirit’s dead. Deal with it!”

Anger burst through her. “Don’t you dare tell me to deal with it!” she shouted back. “You have no idea what it’s like for me!” Her eyes blazed. “I’ve lost Mom, Dad, Spirit, Joe. You haven’t got a clue. God, Luke! You say I’m wrapped up in myself?
Me?
You’re the selfish one! You have no idea how much you hurt people. No idea at all!” She saw the shock on his face, the start of a look of contrition.

“Ellie, I—” He reached for the reins again.

“
No!
” She kicked Gem hard. The startled pony leapt forward, almost knocking Luke down. Ellie pulled his head around and set off at a canter. The pony’s hooves slid and clattered on the concrete but Ellie didn’t care. She galloped him out of the yard and turned into the woods. Unnerved by her rage, Gem raced up the path. Ellie ducked as branches swept at her face but still she pushed on, not caring about exposed roots or ruts in the track, just wanting to put as much distance between her and Luke as she could. She wanted to gallop and gallop and never stop.

Gem emerged from the trees on to the mountainside. It had started to rain now and the wind was blustery on the exposed slopes, but Ellie barely felt the drops hitting her face. She kicked her heels into Gem’s sides. He stretched his head and neck out, galloping now into the rain. Ellie lost herself in the drumming of his hooves. Why did Spirit have to die? Why had he been taken away too?

Look for me and I’ll be there.
His words echoed.

“But you’re not!” she sobbed furiously. “You’re not, Spirit! You’re not!”

Gem was starting to tire. She could feel his strides getting more labored as the mountain got steeper and the ground rougher under his hooves, grass giving way to scree and bare patches of mud. Ellie could barely see ahead of her now the mist had descended.

As she saw Gem’s ears start to flick uncertainly and felt him slow further, she wondered if she should stop. But that would mean turning around, facing everything that was waiting back at the yard. No. She pushed him on.

A sheep emerged from the mist. Gem shied violently. Ellie was thrown to one side and had to grab his neck and mane to try and stay on. She struggled to get back into the saddle, having lost her stirrups, but her struggles upset him even more and he swung around in alarm. She felt herself slipping down the side of him. “Whoa, Gem!” she gasped.

But Gem, never the quietest pony, was caught in a panic at feeling her grab his mane and saddle. He reared, sending her thumping to the ground. She saw the reins fly past her, tried to grab them, but it was too late—Gem plunged forward and raced away back down the mountainside, heading for the safety of the stables.

For a moment, Ellie lay on the hard ground, dazed and shocked. She sat up, automatically checking for injuries. Her back and arm hurt but she hadn’t broken anything. She looked around her. The rain was soaking into her thin T-shirt. Suddenly she was aware how cold and wet she was.

Collecting her thoughts, she struggled to her feet. She had no idea whereabouts on the mountain she was and she began to head down through the mist, rubbing her bare arms. Where was Gem? She hoped he would get home all right. Now her anger had faded, she began to see how stupid she’d been. She hadn’t even thought about the rough ground. Gem could have tripped, fallen, caught his foot in a rabbit hole. Tears welled up inside her as she looked through the mist. There was absolutely no one there; she was completely on her own, freezing cold, soaked, miserable—and worried about Gem.

Just get home,
she thought.
Get back to the stables. See he’s OK.

But after Ellie had been walking ten minutes, she wondered if she was going in the right direction. She’d thought she would be in the woods by now but she was still walking on the mountain slopes. The only sounds were the baaing of sheep through the mist and she couldn’t see more than a meter in front of her. There was no track to follow, no walls or footpaths, only her own sense of the way she had come.

Anxiety flickered through her. If she got lost, it could be really dangerous. No one would find her in the mist and her clothes gave no protection against the weather. She walked on further but still couldn’t see the woods. Her legs ached and she was shivering now. She knew she should continue walking to keep warm, but all she wanted to do was stop and cry.

She felt as if she had reached the very end of her strength; she was exhausted. Seeing a gray rock, she sat down on it and buried her head in her hands.
I can’t do this any more
, she thought helplessly.
I just can’t go on.

Tears seeped through her fingers, hot against her damp, cold skin and she started to sob.

She didn’t know how long she had been crying, but suddenly through her despair she felt the air around her change. There was the sound of a hoof hitting a stone. She froze and then glanced up. Was it Gem? No, deep down she knew with an absolute certainty that it wasn’t. She knew that feeling in the air but it couldn’t be…

A whinny rang out.

Ellie felt as if every cell in her body had just been given an electric shock. She would know that whinny anywhere. She couldn’t breathe. Even her heart seemed to have stopped beating.

A gray horse appeared through the mist. Stopping beside her, he gently nuzzled her hands.

“SPIRIT?”

The word choked out of Ellie. Suddenly she couldn’t feel the rain or cold any more. Her whole being was focused on the horse’s warm breath whispering across her fingers, the sight of his dark eyes, his forelock falling across his face. “How…” Ellie’s voice faltered as she stared at him.
How?

I have come back.

But…

You
can
go on. I am here.

So many questions whirled through Ellie’s brain and for a moment she was reminded of another time—when Spirit had first spoken to her. Like this, it had seemed impossible, but, just as she had then, she gave in to the impossible. Whether it was a dream or hallucination, whether it was real or not, at that moment she didn’t care. She just wanted so much for it to be true.

Reaching up, she touched his warm neck. The next second she was on her feet hugging him, burying her head in his mane, shaking and sobbing, but this time with happiness and relief. Her grief rolled away. Spirit was here now, with her.

I’ve missed you so much. Oh, Spirit. I couldn’t bear it.

You have to. You have to carry on.

But I can’t live without you.

Then I will be here. I will stay.

Like this?

Yes, for as long as you need me.

You’re a ghost?

I am Spirit.

Ellie looked at him wonderingly, realizing she didn’t care if he was a ghost or not; the important thing was that he’d come back to her, that they could talk again.

You must keep going,
he told her.
Help other horses.

Ellie thought about the foal and guilt washed over her.

Spirit read her thoughts.
She has a part to play in your life. Go to her and help her—for her sake, for your own.

Ellie didn’t know what he meant but she knew she must do as he said. But as she looked around, she remembered the reality of her situation.
I don’t know how to get home.

I will show you.

Spirit began to lead her down the mountain, his hooves finding a safe pathway, his eyes seeing through the mist.

When they reached the woods, she was able to see him more clearly. He looked healthy again. Even the old scars on his legs and shoulders had healed. His eyes were glowing and he seemed young and strong. She couldn’t stop looking at him. Their gazes met and she felt the numbness that had been wrapped around her heart, since the day he died, melt. As they reached the edge of the wood, Spirit stopped.

Go on without me now. But do not worry. I will be near you. Always now.

Ellie’s fingers clenched for a moment on his mane.

Have faith.

She released her grip and watched him fade away. But shutting her eyes, she could still feel his presence, feel his energy swirling around her. He
was
there. Taking a deep breath, she walked out of the woods.

The rain had stopped, and as she walked up the driveway, she heard a yell. Luke had spotted her from the stable yard. He came running to meet her. His face was pale, his eyes shot through with worry, and all trace of his usual amused expression had vanished from his face.

“Ellie! Christ! I was so worried! Gem came back half an hour ago on his own. I went out looking in the woods but couldn’t find you. I’ve been worried sick.”

He reached her and grabbed her in his arms. She felt herself pulled against his chest. “I’m OK,” she said dazedly.

“You’re soaked through!” Luke looked at her wet clothes. “Where the hell have you been?”

“On the mountainside. Is Gem all right?”

“Yeah, a few scratches and his reins are broken but otherwise he’s fine. What were you doing on the mountainside?”

“I went up there and fell off. I tried to find my way down, but it was misty and I got lost.”

Luke hugged her again. All Ellie could think about was Spirit. He was back. She remembered the promise she’d made to him and pulled out of Luke’s arms. “The foal. I want to go and see her.” She started hurrying past him.

“The foal?” Luke caught up with her in a few strides. “You can’t go and see her now. You’ve just been lost in the rain, you need to get changed, sit down—”

“I’ll get changed, but I won’t sit down. I’m going to see her.”

Luke shook his head incredulously, but put his hands up in surrender. “All right, all right. I give up with you. Whatever. Just get some dry clothes on first.”

Five minutes later, Ellie was changed and back on the yard. Luke had dried Gem off and he was out in the field, no worse for his adventure. Luke watched her as she went to the filly’s stable.

“Leave me alone with her,” she told him.

He nodded, still looking anxious. She had the feeling he thought she was on the edge of going slightly mad, but Ellie had never felt more sane in her life. All her numbness and weariness had vanished. She didn’t know if she could help the foal but she was going to try.

The foal stood in a corner of the stable. Her head was low, her ribs protruding, her chestnut coat looked coarse, and her eyes were dull. For a moment, Ellie was painfully reminded of Spirit when he had been ill. The foal was so young that even a few days without anything to eat had left her looking half starved. But Ellie sensed something beyond the foal being physically weak, something that she had never felt with Spirit—a sense that the foal had given up.

Ellie felt her heart going out to the little filly. She knew that feeling. She had been engulfed by it for the past two weeks. But Spirit had come to her in her hour of need, and thinking about him sent determination flooding through her. If there was any way she could help the foal, she would.

She walked over. Despite her weakness, the foal moved warily backwards. “It’s OK,” Ellie soothed, holding her hand out. The filly moved further into the corner, staring at her with deep distrust.

Ellie remembered what Spirit had taught her—sometimes you just had to wait with horses. You could never force them to talk, just be there, open yourself and wait. She stepped back and sat down on some clean straw near the manger.

The minutes ticked past. Gradually the foal began to relax. Ellie shut her eyes and focused on her breathing, clearing her mind of everything but the foal.