Hot and Cold (2 page)

Sean called the waiter over, but instead of the bill, he looked at me and said, “Desert?”

I shook my head, and the waiter left. The dawning migraine in my head dimmed, though. Maybe I was overreacting. Maybe Sean just wasn’t that hungry or something. There were dozens of reasons.

I wasn’t sure whose turn it was to pay, but Sean tossed in his card before I could move. After he signed the bill, we got up and walked right out the patio fence onto the sidewalk. We’d arrived separately, but parked in the same downtown garage.

“You feel like going to
Giuseppe’s
and getting something to drink?” I asked, as we turned into the garage. “I’ve been feeling stressed lately. It’d be great to loosen up.”

“Damn, baby, I’d love to,” he said. “But I’ve actually got to train a bit more.”

Train a bit more? He never trained at nights.

I looked back at his face. It’d given me so much pleasure once: pressed against my mouth, warming up other parts of me, or just plain breaking out into a gorgeous smile. Now it was dismissing me as coldly as a knockout ringer at his fights.

“It’s fine,” I said. “You go do what you need to do.”

“Cool.” His mouth hung open, but all that came after a few seconds was, “Thanks, baby. I’ll see you.”

He pecked me on the cheek, then headed off to his own SUV.

I stood by the mouth of the garage, hearing the winds creak street signs at my back, watching him disappear into the darkness.

All I could wonder was:
Do we still have a real shot at a future?

Or was it just a question of how long I was willing to let this last.

CHAPTER TWO

“Is that boy taking you the opera or something?”

“What?” I asked.

Gina and I were sitting on the couch in the middle of a commercial break. Her hair was up in a bun and she was already in PJs for the day, but I was headed to the movies just as soon as my ride showed up.

She took a firmer look that made her look more ‘mom’ than little sister. “You’re dressed up awfully fancy.”

“Not that fancy.” I glanced down at the dark blue dress I had on and patted out a couple creases. “What am I supposed to wear to a movie?”

“These.” She kicked her legs up onto the coffee table.

“Yoga pants.”

“It’s a long movie right? Why don’t you want to be comfortable?”

“I’m comfortable.”

“Are you sure?”

Jeopardy
came back on, and her attention turned, but I couldn’t focus at all.

No, I wasn’t comfortable, not in weeks. Even when I tried to prep for chemistry classes or practice for the cooking contest, I couldn’t think two thoughts without Sean popping up.

That’s the problem with having a brain capable of thought. It doesn’t exactly fall in line. I’d never thought much about free will, even in philosophy class. Not being able to reign in half my fears about this relationship had me reconsidering who was in charge up there.

Sean and I had hung out just once after the dinner to watch Netflix at his place. We’d sat a hair’s breadth apart, but you could almost hear an echo between us. Forget bad sex; he hadn’t made a pass at me at all. Even the arm he’d looped around me felt like a limp formality.

When the movie ended, he’d just stood and said he needed to rest up. I believed it. He’d yawned a dozen times in my ear already, each sounding like a scratch on chalkboard.

What I didn’t know was why.

There’d come a long quiet moment with me standing outside the door. Each of us looked over the other like we were nothing more than gum at a grocery checkout line. I’d seen then how silly it was. All I had to ask was what was going on, just voice my fear:

Do you still want me?

It was the most fundamental of questions. The truth might be bad, but it couldn’t be worse than a secret.

I’d choked. The words had stuck in my mouth and only a faint hiss had left my lips. Sean had looked confused, planted a kiss and sent me on my way.

I was afraid that the same thing would happen today. At least we’d have the movie to talk about though. It had his favorite action star and my favorite actress in it together as CIA agents.

Maybe the topic of secrets would come up on its own.

I drummed my phone and tried to listen to Trebek. Gina was answering the questions with such ease that she’d toppled over onto the arm of the couch and curled up.

“I’ll take ‘O what?’ for $400, Alex,” the contestant said.

“Oooh,” Gina said. “This is all you Ms. Chemistry.”

“What’s the category supposed to be?” I asked.

Trebek answered instead on-screen: “This oxygen laden compound is vital in forming social bonds in animals and humans alike.”

“Oxytocin,” Gina and I shouted out together.

“I win,” Gina said.

“Pfft,” I said. “That was mine.”

“I’ll take ‘O What’ for $600,” the TV said.

“This tiny molecule is vital for keeping you safe from the sun. Breathe too much though, and it’ll burn you instead.”

“Oz-,” I started to say, but right then my phone shook.

“-one,” Gina said. “Hah, definitely got that one.”

I could barely hear her over the text I’d just gotten. It was from Sean.

Hey, baby. Can’t do tonight. Opportunity came up at the gym. Sorry.

I read it over and over, each of the words lifting up on its own.

Baby. Tonight. Opportunity. Gym.

No, I couldn’t figure out the meaning behind any of this. I did know one thing: it couldn’t be the truth.

Steam filled my skull. My head was about to rupture.

I shot up from my seat and tore out of the living room.

“Have a good time,” Gina called lazily over the sofa.

I had sense enough to not to unleash any of this on my baby sister, but just barely. I stormed upstairs to my bedroom and barred myself in. I paced and stewed and thought all the things I’d been fighting to ignore.

Sean must have thought I was a complete idiot. What, just cause I didn’t grow up in a rough part of town, I couldn’t tell when I was being conned? Well, he had picked the wrong girlfriend to screw over.

Girls might coo and caw over my delicate face and perfect mocha complexion now, but that was an altogether recent development in the life of Gabi.

At least up until the beginning of high school, I’d been chubby and acned, with a mouth full of braces. Oh, plus most of my school was rich white kids. And rich kids were too smart to have their fun just shoving books out of your hand or calling you names to your face. No, they got their kicks out of making you think they were on your side for as long as they could.

I would wind up showing up to parties that never happened, or find myself correcting right answers on my homework, or just get blamed for messes I didn’t create. I didn’t wise up quick, but I wised up hard and for good.

Now, this boy wanted to tell me that he had an ‘opportunity’ at the gym? Oh, I believed the opportunity part, just not where he was getting it. Or from who.

I grabbed my purse and my keys and rushed to my car.

The city was dark and pebbled with red and neon lights as I drove through it. Sean’s condo was only a few miles away, but I had to get off the highway and stop at every damn traffic light.

Someone was droning on about something on NPR, but I flicked off the radio and spent time practicing my monologue. I didn’t know exactly what was happening. I surely didn’t know why or what I had done. But I knew what I wanted to say.

In fact, you could kinda sum up my thoughts in a few words: “How dare you?”

If he wanted someone else, let her have him, but why couldn’t he be up front about it? Why did he have to go cold and let me be the one to get fired up?

It seemed like hours had passed by the time I pulled up to his gated compound. I waited and followed a car in.

The guy driving was a pudgy middle-aged white man who threw me glances as he got out, so I didn’t try walking in with him. No one has ever considered me threatening, but I probably looked something like Medusa at the moment. I didn’t want to risk being dragged out of here in cuffs before Sean showed up.

After a couple minutes waiting by the lobby, a woman came out and held the door open for me. I thanked her and rode an empty elevator up to Sean’s flat. I mumbled through the speech I wanted to unleash when I saw his guilty face. As the elevator opened though, my thoughts seemed more jumbled than ever.

I could hear his TV playing through his apartment door. Someone was laughing like mad at it. I waited a while, but couldn’t hear any woman’s laughter. Maybe the girl didn’t have a sense of humor.

I gathered my breath and tightened my lips around the simple three word phrase. It suddenly hit me that this could be it. This could be the spinning, flaming end to these three months.

My eyes suddenly felt very heavy, and I blinked until I was sure nothing filled them. Before I could change my mind, I knocked.

“Coming,” a man called cheerfully. Footsteps squeaked toward the door. It unlatched and pulled back.

A scruffy looking man stood in the gap, smiling widely at me. Even in the mute TV light, his eyes looked red. He had on an oversized Metallica T-shirt and jeans that barely clung to his waist.

It was Sean’s friend.

“Silvio?” I said.

“Gabi!” he beamed. He threw his arms around me and shook me around a bit. For a tweedy stoner he was pretty damn strong.

“Is Sean home?” I asked, trying to peer past.

“Na, he’s at the gym. But come on, come in. I got food and soda.”

“I actually, uh…” I couldn’t think of an excuse. It would be weird if I just left.

Besides, Sean still wasn’t off the hook. Silvio must barely be able to sniff out reality over the haze of weed drifting out from the room. Sean could have told him he was just drafted into the Red Wings, and Silvio would have believed him.

I sat down on the far side of the couch from Silvio. He offered me an unlit joint, a beer and a bag of Cheetos. I accepted the last two. We sat watching something on Carton Network for a while. Maybe it was the haze or the beer, but I started to chuckle a little.

I caught myself and managed to repeat the mantra I’d brought on the way over. I read Sean’s text again, but it didn’t seem half that bad anymore.

By the time the front door squeaked open later, the hellfire was out of my thoughts. I simply looked up and saw Sean standing dumbstruck in the doorway.

“Gabi?” he said. “What are you doing?”

Through lazy eyes, I took him all in. I noticed his grey t-shirt, damp down the center of his chest. The sweat that dribbled down his face. The long, gym bag he carried, which sagged at either end.

“You were at the gym,” I said.

“Yeah I was at the gym. I told you, right?”

He dropped the bag at the door and stepped in, throwing an icy look at Silvio. His friend didn’t notice until he flicked the room light on.

“Hey Sean,” he said. “When’d you get home?”

“Dude, can you crash back at your house tonight?” Sean asked.

Silvio looked at him with the ferocity of an owl, then at me. The light clicked on in his head.

“Ah, ok. Gotcha. Sure, man, sure.”

He flicked off the TV, gathered his goodies and headed out.

“See ya, Gabi. Was fun.”

“It was,” I said. “See you Silvio.”

He winked and shut the door. Sean came over and sat right next to me. Heat washed off him in waves, thick with the scent of his exertion. I could almost see him in motion, all those little muscles working like a symphony of strength. My mind went white and I lost even my little flicker of irritation.

“I’m real sorry I had to bail tonight,” Sean said, leaning in. “I know it’s a dick move, but John freaking Luvano came in. He’s a two time northeast regional champion and he offered to spar with me. I couldn’t pass that up. It doesn’t justify abandoning you, but I hope you see why I acted like such an idiot.”

His hands were clasped and his eyes ducked, like he was praying for forgiveness. Maybe if I’d been waiting for him in the hall, it would have ended just there. But with my second-hand buzz, my thoughts flew wild. I remembered that I hadn’t flown here over a one-time thing.

“I understand about tonight,” I said. “But tonight’s not the beginning of our problems.”

It was just the sort of talk that made men groan, but Sean’s head dipped. “I know.”

I cupped his cheek, rubbed that ridge of bone that made him look like a champion even outside the ring. “What’s going on? It’s not someone else, is it?”

Sean chuckled and looked up. “Couple other people actually.”

Just as my mouth got set to erupt, he sighed and looked off. “I lost my last two matches.”

“What?”

“Last week’s fight and the one before. I lost them both.”

My mind stretched back. Two weeks ago was about when things started going south. But everything seemed ok when I talked to him those nights. “You said the fights went fine when I asked.”