Hot Tea (13 page)

I decided the first thing to do on my way to prosperity in my new found calling, was a wee bit of research.  I need to know if there is competition out there.  I need to know the going rate.  I need to know if there is an outcry for talent and maybe I should just work for someone else instead of creating my own business, at least until I get my feet wet.

Basically, I need to know everything there is to know about the eulogy writing business, I’m certain there’s a need, people do die, and where there’s a need, there is income. 

I also need to get organized.  If a person is in need of a eulogy, it is something that must be done quickly, correctly, with no screw ups.  The facts of one client’s life can’t inadvertently be attributed to another client.  Information has to be handled with care.

I rummaged through all the charming hatboxes I have stacked artistically next to my bookcase.  In them I hide everything from pads of paper, to ink cartridges, to my sister’s first bathing suit.  It’s so cute.  It has all the neon colors in stripes with a little peek-a-boo cutout in the back.  I think she wore it when she was about nine months old.  I’m not sure how it came to be in my care, but I intend to give it to her at her first baby shower.  She’ll cry.  It’ll be great.

Anyway, I got out pads of paper and sticky notes and pens and everything else that looked official and office-like.  I decided a trip to the local office supply house was in order. 

Once there, I got a cart, reminded myself that all things office supplies are expensive, and not to over do it.  I started up the first aisle.  Amazing what they have in an office supply store these days.  I kind of got lost in the flotsam of modern day business paraphernalia for a while there.

The good news is that I only bought about six things.  The bad news is that those six things cost me a couple hundred bucks.

I was just walking in the door when Teagan appeared.

I had to ask the obvious question, “Aren’t you supposed to be back at work?”

“Nope, I worked so much overtime that my boss gave me a bunch of comp time.”

“I thought they outlawed comp time.”

She shrugged, “I have no idea, but they outlawed smoking in my building a long time ago, and he still does that.”

“Good point.”

“So, what’s in the bags?”

I lifted the bags and shrugged.  There was a time, lifting $200 worth of stuff would put your back out, now it doesn’t even take muscles, I said, “Supplies.”

“For?”

“My new business.”

“So, you’re going ahead with it?”

I waltzed my bags over to the desk, “Yep.”

“Good, cause I’ve already told some people about it.  Including Mom.”

“You told Mom?”

“Yep.”

I dropped everything next to the desk; it could all live on the floor for a little while. 

I turned on Teagan, “Why?  Why are you doing this to me?  Are you trying to kill me, or more accurately, have me killed?  You aren’t the beneficiary on my life insurance; it’s evenly split between the nieces and nephews, so why do you have a death wish for me?  Why would you tell Mom?”

“Cause she asked about my love life, and since you were the one that turned her toward me, with your comments about a new guy, I figured I’d turn her back toward you.  Just what did you expect me to do?”

“But finances don’t trump potential grandchildren Teagan.”

“But morticians do.”

“You pulled the mortician card?”

She looked quite proud of herself, “Yep.”

“You’re evil.”

“Yep, I resemble that remark.”

I couldn’t very well argue with her if she was going to agree.  I changed my approach, “You can earn back my love and respect by fixing me a cup of tea.”

“I can do that.”

“Fine, you can put this stuff away too.  I’m gonna take a quick shower.  It’s really yucky out there today.  I’ll be back in five minutes.”

“Take your time.”

I whipped around, “What’s up?”

“Nothing.”

“In the history of you, you have never told me to take my time in the shower.  Growing up in a house with 10 people and only one shower, created life-long habits.  We do not take our time in the shower, especially not me, you always took over my extra minutes.  Again, what’s up?”

“Nothing!”

I didn’t believe her, but I wasn’t going to argue the point until I had a few minutes to focus and wash the humidity off of me.

While I was in the shower I relaxed and laughed about my sister pulling the mortician card.  I’d never let her see me laugh about it, that would be giving away a card that could be pulled out later, but even I have to admit, she was pretty quick on this one. 

When Mom was young, my grandmother told her dozens of stories about her best friend.  Grandma’s best friend was the daughter of a mortician.  Mom would tell stories of the entire goings on, as she always put it. 

Some of the stories were devastatingly sad.  Like when the brother shot his little sister by accident.  They buried her in her First Communion dress and veil.  The veil pulled down over her face making her look so soft and lovely, with just a little band-aid where the bullet struck her neck.

Other stories were hysterically funny, at least as Mom retold them.  There was the time Grandma was late coming home.  Her friend’s father offered her a ride.  That day, nothing sounded like as much fun as riding home in a hearse.  Driving her home in a hearse hadn’t been the original plan but the father was a good sport and acquiesced. 

My grandmother was thrilled.  She and her friend laughed the whole way home.  As the hearse pulled up in front of my grandmother’s house, her mother happened to walk out onto the porch. 

A very solemn man in a very dark suit got out of a hearse, walked to the rear of the thing, opened the door, and hit a button.  Out come my grandmother and her friend, sitting cross-legged on the platform that usually supports a coffin.  They were thrilled.  My great-grandmother was not.

As superstitious as Irish people are, can you imagine?  If a fork drops on the floor it’s an ordeal.  Dropped utensils mean that unexpected company is on the way.  For days everything has to be cleaned to a fare-thee-well.  Whoever it might be that is dropping in unexpectedly is not likely to find my mother’s home in less than visiting condition. 

As long as no one opened a closet door, we were good.

I have an imagination better than most, but even I can’t imagine what happened when the hearse drove off and the front door closed my grandmother off from the rest of the world. 

We asked Mom about it when we were kids, hearing the story for the first few times, all giggles and excitement.  Mom would just wink and tell us to ask grandma.  That never happened.

We decided long ago to go with gut instinct instead of drumming up the courage to ask her.  No doubt prayers, blessings and maybe even Holy Water were involved.

My great-grandma always had a little bottle with Holy Water in it by the door.  Right next to that was her good perfume.  Whenever we would walk out the door, she would dab a bit of perfume on us, splash a bit of Holy Water on us, and make the sign of the cross.  Then we were good to go.

 A cup of tea and some Holy Water could fix just about anything when I was little.

THIRTEEN

I walked in to my dining room wearing yoga pants and a t-shirt.  My hair was still wet.  No makeup on.  The fact that I had a gorgeous new male roommate, and I didn’t even bother with the basics, didn’t escape my notice.  I’m sure it didn’t escape Teagan’s either.  Even if AJ is going to play Ken to Teagan’s Barbie, he might have a cute friend.  At this rate, I’m gonna be single for the rest of my life, and probably my next life too.

I changed the subject in my wee little brain, very much like turning the channel on the TV.  I’d worry about the sorry state of my love life another day; first I needed to get answers from Teagan.  I kept my tone level, “So what did you tell Mom this time?”

“What do you mean?”

“You said you pulled the mortician card.”

“I told her that your entrepreneurial endeavor was to start a company writing eulogies for loved ones of the recently deceased.  It is a given Cara, that you will cultivate relationships with people in all levels of the business.”

I groaned and plopped down at the table across from her.  “Oh Lord, what was her reaction to that one?  Did you make it sound as crazy as, you know, as crazy as it sounds?”

“Actually, the more I think about it, the less crazy it sounds.  Mom thought it was a good idea.  Liam was there with his new girlfriend, my God, she’s gorgeous, and smart, very Mary Poppins, practically perfect in every way.  She deserves better than Liam.  I didn’t get to meet her child.  Mom said maybe she’d do a family dinner soon, but anyway, they thought it was a good idea too.”

“The family thinks that it’s a good idea for me to write speeches about dead people I’ve never met?”

“Yep.”

I felt a little panicked, “This can’t be good.  When was the last time you, Mom, Liam and I agreed on anything?”

“I have no idea.”

It came to me, I snapped my fingers and said, “It was your haircut in 3
^rd
grade.  The pixie cut.  You looked so cute.  You should think about that cut again.”