House of Judges (House of Royals Book 4) (17 page)

“You once told me that we’d been handed a miracle,” he says as he pulls back to look me in the eye. “I was dead. You watched me die. And then, I wasn’t. You and me, we are a miracle, Liv. Once we had an expiration date, and then forever. That’s what I want, Liv. If you’re willing to give me a second chance, I’ll prove it to you that we’re worth it.”

Tears roll down my face; my emotions cannot be contained. I nod, unable to speak, as I guide his lips back to mine.

I thought this was over. I thought we’d burned too many connections, had too much anger, and made too many horrible mistakes. That there was no way we could ever find our way back to each other.

But here we are.

And all I can do is pray that it is for good. Because I can’t survive another separation. Another broken heart.

He once again kisses his way down to my stomach, pulling my shirt off. The sun peaks over the trees in the distance, and the crack in the blackout curtains bathes us in dim light.

Ian slows as he kisses my skin, and I feel the mood instantly grow heavier.

“What…” he says in horror. “How did you get these scars? What did the King do to you?”

And my blood, which has been rushing through my body so hot, instantly grows cold.

“Liv?” he whispers. His eyes turn to mine, wide and horrified. “Did Cyrus-”

“No,” I cut him off. Bile works its way up my throat and terror saturates my veins. I bite my lower lip and slide out from underneath him. I sit on the bed for a moment and take three deep, slow breaths.

“Liv, what is it?”

And his tone. It’s so understanding and caring. So open for whatever I might say.

I’m terrified. I’m so scared of his judgment, again. But if we’re going to make this work, if we’re going to be open and honest with each other, I have to tell him my last, greatest secret.

I climb out of the bed, and turn on the lamp between the two beds. I stand there wearing no shirt, exposed for him to see so much of me. Ian’s eyes immediately go to the two long, red scars on either side of my belly button.

“This is something I’ve never told anyone,” I breathe. My hands shake. My insides quiver. And thinking about all the memories, my hands come to my stomach, as they once did. Two tears work their way from my eyes, out onto my cheek.

“Ian, I have a daughter out there somewhere.”

The color drains from Ian’s face and his eyes rise up to meet mine. He sits there in silence for several moments. Stunned. This wasn’t the answer he was expecting. Not by a long shot.

“They’re stretch marks,” I say, looking down at the scars and running my hands over them. “She was a big baby; nine pounds, three ounces.” A small smile comes to my lips as I recall her perfect face. The button nose, the pouty lips. Her huge cheeks.

I squeeze my eyes closed and let the tears keep rolling down my face. I feel Ian’s hands on my hips and he pulls me toward him. He guides me into his lap, resting his chin on top of my head.

“I told you about it once, remember?” I breathe. Ian nods. “In my kitchen. I’d just broken up with my high school boyfriend. And I rebounded. This guy, he was at the movie theater where I’d been working. We talked. He asked me out. And one thing led to another. It meant nothing. It was a mistake.” The tears roll faster down my face. “I don’t think he even gave me his real name. And then, he was gone. And four weeks later, I realized I was pregnant.”

Ian’s arms tighten around me and he hugs me tighter to him.

“I couldn’t believe what had happened,” I say, shaking my head. “I’d seen how hard being a single mother was for my mom. I’d always told myself that I wouldn’t relive the same mistakes she’d made. And there I was, even younger than she was when she’d gotten pregnant with me, and I didn’t even know the guy’s name.”

I wipe a hand across my face, clearing the tears. “But my mom had done it, so I was sure I could, too. She said she’d help me. We could do it together. But then she was killed, and I was seven months pregnant and suddenly alone.”

“Shit, Liv,” Ian breathes. So much pity and pain in his voice.

I shake my head. So much self-hatred and regret coursing through my veins. “I knew I couldn’t do it,” I breathe. “I’d just lost my mother, the only family I’d ever had. I was grieving. I couldn’t breathe. Could hardly function. I knew I couldn’t take care of a baby. I couldn’t be what a child would need me to be.”

The pain I went through then, it was unbearable. The conflict and sadness and just everything nearly destroyed me.

“So I decided to give her up for adoption,” I say, breathing out slow. “An agency helped me pick a nice family, here in Colorado, somewhere. They seemed perfect. Steady income, beautiful home. Strong family values.”

“It was a great thing you did for your daughter, Liv.” Ian says the words into my hair.

“I asked for a closed adoption,” I say. “No contact. I didn’t even meet the adoptive parents. Is that horrible?”

Ian shakes his head. “No. I’m sure it was painful enough. It would have been all the harder if you kept having to reopen the wound.”

I nod my head, grateful for his affirmation.

“It makes sense now, your hesitance when we were together,” Ian says. “I always figured it was because you knew I was a virgin, that you were just saving me. But you’d been through a lot of pain. I get it.”

I’d told him once, when we were together intimately, on my kitchen counter, that I wanted to be careful. I was so scared of having sex again because the one and only time I’d ever had it, I’d gotten pregnant.

“Ian, there’s something else,” I say. I disentangle myself from his hold and move to sit on the bed across from him. My heart once more begins to race. “When I was in
Roter Himmel
, and Cyrus sent me to that strip club, I saw someone I recognized there.”

I bite my lower lip. How it all came about, I’m still not sure, I can hardly believe it. “I saw my daughter’s father in that club, Ian. I’d remember his face anywhere. He never saw me, I made sure of that. But I know it was him.”

Once more, Ian’s face pales. “In
Roter Himmel
…”

I nod. “I asked around. They don’t allow just regular Born into the town. Anyone who comes to
Roter Himmel
is a Royal.” I suck in a deep breath, wiping away the flow of tears. “Ian, my daughter is a Born Royal.”

“But…” he struggles for words. “This just seems too impossible. What are the chances that you, a Born Royal, would get impregnated by another Royal before you even knew what you were?”

I shake my head. “I don’t think it was chance,” I say. And it makes me sick. “Because the odds are impossible. He knew, somehow, who I was. He had to. That’s why I’m sure the name he gave me wasn’t his real name. Some of these Royals are serial playboys, with their entire goal to create more Royal offspring.” I shiver, feeling disgusting, knowing I’d fallen for the pervert’s trap. “It makes me sick.”

“Liv, that means if Cyrus ever finds her…”

“What he did to me…he’ll do to her,” I fill in as my eyes glaze over. “He’ll want to see if she’s Sevan.”

The weighted silence in the room is thick and heavy. So many implications have been revealed.

“She’d be, what? Three years old?” Ian asks.

“She’ll be four in two months,” I say quietly. “On June second.”

Ian stands and sits on the bed next to me, wrapping an arm around my shoulders. “Then we have time. He won’t know about her unless someone says something. Unless you claim her. And I know you would never expose her like that. So we have time. We’ll protect her, Liv. I promise you.”

The tears once more flow down my face. I let Ian pull me into his chest, and I just let him hold me. Because my strength has been depleted, and for once, I’m okay with my human weaknesses.

I’VE FOUND HEAVEN ONCE MORE, and it is in Ian’s arms.

I lie on my side, my knees curled up toward my chest. Ian lies behind me, cupped against my body. My head rests on one of his arms, his other draped over my side, his hand tucked under my rib cage.

He breathes slow, deep. For a vampire, he’s been sleeping a lot. No surprise, considering everything we’ve been through in the past few weeks.

But I lie awake. My brain keeps running through everything, trying to sort through it all. Trying to plan. Trying to reconcile every choice I’ve made.

Ian is coming back to the House with me. We’re going to be together.

I’d made Ian promise me once not to fall in love with me. But it was a promise broken before it was made.

I turn my head and kiss his arm. I haven’t said the words back yet.
I love you.
But I do. And it’s a relief to say them, even if it’s just to myself.

After all this time, I can finally allow myself to fully love Ian Ward.

But I worry. The few days he spent in the House with my House members did not go smoothly. He and Markov nearly killed each other. I thought he was going to rip Samuel’s head off at any moment. Can he get over his resentment of them? Can my two worlds of love and family ever come together peacefully?

There’s a slithering eel in my stomach at thinking of my return to the House. When I was taken from it, I wasn’t the person I wanted to be. I’d turned into a shell of myself, one who was so manipulative and dark that I was okay with living eternally in the gray zone of right and wrong.

I don’t want to be that person.

But can I still be a ruler without using the tools I have in the past?

What is truly worth the effort?

Being a good person, the one my mother raised me to be, or fulfilling my birthright?

Birthright.

What will be my daughter’s?

I don’t know what to do with that, either. Will I someday reach out to her? Explain what she truly is? I’d wait years and years, obviously. Time is certainly the one thing that I have. But by doing so, I expose her to the investigations of Cyrus.

I understand now why my father did not reach out to me sooner. He was trying to protect me.

Just as a father is supposed to.

For the thousandth time, my heart aches. This is truly my biggest regret in life. That I never got the chance to know him. I want to hold Henry’s hand, to look into his eyes. To tell him about my life. To have him give me advice.

“You okay?” Ian whispers in my ear, his lips brushing the skin on the back of my neck.

Instead of answering him, I roll back, my hand coming to the back of his head, and my lips search for his. They are met immediately—gentle, soft. His hand comes to my cheek, caressing it.

Nothing about Ian is gentle or tender, but that’s exactly the way he holds me. As if I am treasured, prized. Coveted.

“Never again,” he breathes softly into my mouth. “I don’t want to wake up another night without you, Liv.”

“Then don’t,” I whisper against his lips.

I don’t know if it’s a promise, an indication of something much more serious. But it’s exactly what my soul needs to hear in this moment.

Ian props himself up on one elbow, looking down at me. He just stares at me for a long time, eyes tracing and memorizing every surface of my face. And I take my time appreciating him, this moment.

It’s beautiful.

The lost, found. The broken, pieced back together to form something different. It resembles what it once was, but it’s so much stronger.

Eventually, he looks up, his eyes going to the crack in the curtains. It’s dark outside now, the time on the clock reading 11:23.

“I’ve got a few things to go grab at the store,” he says. “I’ll be back in a few, okay?”

“Alright,” I say, brushing the back of my hand along his jawline, which is covered in his thick beard.

He presses a quick, light kiss to my lips, before climbing out of the bed. He pulls on the rest of his clothes, grabs the keys and my card, and winks at me before he walks out the door.

While he’s gone, I shower and dress, and then set to cleaning our room up a bit. It’s a mess. Clothes are strewn everywhere, shoes in the middle of the floor. Food containers.

When did we become such slobs?

I have a feeling we won’t be staying much longer. I have one more stop, and then I will have no more excuses not to go home to Silent Bend.

Home.

It’s felt that way for some time now. It’s where my family is. But knowing I will be returning with Ian by my side, it has taken on an entirely new meaning.

Ian returns forty-five minutes later with one bag and a bouquet of flowers.

“Would those be for me?” I ask with a sly smile. I walk toward him, accepting the beautiful buds he extends out to me.

“They’re stupid, I know,” Ian says, his face flushing slightly red. “But, I don’t know. Nothing about us has ever been normal. Flowers are normal.”

“They’re not stupid,” I correct him, stepping forward to take them from his hand. I lean forward and press a gentle kiss to his lips. “They’re sweet.”

Ian smiles under my lips, and a tiny chuckle bubbles from his chest. “And they may also be a bribe.”

I take a step away from him, giving him a look. “A bribe? I don’t like the sound of that.”

Ian reaches into the bag and produces a set of clippers and scissors. “In exchange for taking a stab at this ridiculous mop on top of my head?”

I laugh, relief washing through me. “You want me to cut your hair?”

“Yes,” he chuckles. “I don’t know how you can stand to be around me like this. I look like a freaking lumberjack mountain man.”

“Living around here, I’ve seen plenty of those types,” I say as I follow him into the bathroom. “And I have to admit, you do kind of fit the stereotype at the moment.”

“See,” Ian says. “I can’t go back to Mississippi as the cool, suave man toy of a vampire queen looking like this.”

I just laugh, unloading the brand new clippers and length attachments.

I’ve never cut a man’s hair before, but I’ll give it my best. I set into his hair, first with the scissors because it’s so long. And then move on to the clippers.

“Anything particular on the memory lane trip tonight?” Ian asks as he watches me work. I’d expect there to be nervousness or trepidation there, but there’s just total trust.

“One more stop,” I say, distractedly. I’m trying to blend this hairline and I don’t want to mess it up.

Ian only nods and continues to watch me in the mirror.

It takes me quite a long time. I’ve never done this before and I’m so scared of messing it up. But in the end, it actually looks pretty good.

Ian runs his hands through his hair, eying it closely. “Nice work, Liv. I may have to keep having you cut it instead of Joe.”

I shake my head, washing my hands in the sink. “Don’t fire Joe. That was scary.”

“You did great,” he says as he presses a kiss to my cheek. “Now just give me a few minutes to finish up and we can get going.”

I smile at him as I step out of the bathroom.

I sit on the edge of the bed and dial the phone number for my House. It rings five times before anyone answers.

“Hello?”

“Cameron, how are you?” I ask as a smile instantly crosses my lips.

“Liv!” he says gleefully. There are crunching sounds coming through over the phone and I’m sure he’s eating something salty and crisp, as usual. “When you coming home? Things haven’t been the same without you around.”

“Soon,” I say as I twirl the phone cord around my finger. “Probably in the next few days. Is everything okay at home?”

I hear sucking sounds, like he’s licking the salt off of his fingers. “They’re fine. Nial’s a pretty good commander in chief. He’s not you, though.”

“Is that Alivia?” I hear Nial say in the background. Shuffling and irritated jabs, and a moment later his voice comes through clear. “Alivia, how are you?”

I smile once more. Just the sound of Nial’s voice makes me feel calm and easy. “I’m okay,” I say. “Better. How is everything going in Silent Bend?”

“Things have been pretty smooth, actually,” he says. “It kind of feels like things are returning to normal.”

“I’m glad to hear it,” I say. “But I’m sorry to say, I don’t think it will last for long.”

“Nor do I,” he responds. I hear others talking in the background. Anna, Samuel. Danny. “I’m not pressuring you, Alivia, you take as long as you need, but the House is anxious to know when you will be returning.”

I sigh. It feels a bit like I am a mother and all of my children are starting to get rowdy without me there to keep them tame. “Soon,” I repeat. “In the next few days, I think.”

“That’s wonderful.” I think I detect a hint of relief in his voice. And I can’t blame him. Leading a House is a huge undertaking, especially for one who’s only known about our system for a few months.

“Thank you,” I say. “For everything. I don’t think any of us could have made it through this ordeal without you.”

“It was my pleasure,” he says, his voice always so genuine. “You took me in when I had no one. I can only repay the favor.”

I nod, even though he can’t see it. “Nial, I need you to do me one more favor.”

“Anything.” He doesn’t hesitate.

I take half a second to speak. Because I’m not entirely sure how this will be received. “I’m not coming back alone. Ian will be with me. Can you tell the House that? Get them mentally prepared for him to join our family? I’m a little worried about how some will handle it.”

Nial hesitates, and I hear a rustling on the phone, as if he’s looking over at the others. Even he, who has never formally met Ian, knows this will cause a stir. “Yes, of course,” he finally says.

“Thank you,” I say, already nervous. The door to the bathroom opens and Ian steps out. His face is clean-shaven now, and he instantly looks five years younger. He leans against a wall, crossing his arms over his chest. “I’ve got to go now. Thank you again, Nial, for everything.”

“See you soon, Alivia.”

I hang up the phone and just take a second to stare at Ian.

In our relationship, it feels as if everything is in chunks of
before
and
after
his death. Everything was easier
before
, complicated, but easier. And then everything was so hard and painful
after
.

Ian stands there, looking just as he did
before
.

I stand and cross the room, placing my hands on his hips before letting my lips find his once more.

I still can’t believe we’re back here. Allowed to do this without so much pain.

I’ll never take advantage of it.

“You ready?” I say as I back away just slightly. Ian nods, and we walk out the door.

A light rain has picked up, and it darkens my shoulders as we cross the parking lot to our rental car. And I revel in the smell of it. The scent of trees that hangs in the air, the mountains that stretch into the valley. It sparks so many memories.

“Head east,” I tell Ian as he backs out of the parking stall and pulls onto the road. One step at a time, I guide him across town. Past my old work. Past my old high school. Down the street where my mom taught me to drive.

“Left here,” I say. Ian turns and we drive half a block. “This building.”

Ian turns into the parking lot and my brows furrow in confusion. The lot is completely empty. Trash is blown up against the building. There’s a broken window on one of the upper floors.

Ian parks and I climb out, still observing the obviously vacant building. Finally, my eyes find the foreclosed sign in one of the windows. “What the hell?” I breathe.

“What is this place, Liv?” Ian asks, his hands stuffed into his pockets as he walks forward with me. I walk to the front door of the lobby.

“It’s my old apartment building,” I say as I try the door. Of course, it’s locked. “This is where I lived right before I came to Silent Bend.”