How I Fall (23 page)

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Miss Brown’s digi-photo room is pitch dark when I arrive for lunch. This is good because I’m kind of panting from running down here so fast. I managed to convince my comp-lit teacher to let me out of class before the lunch bell, and now my heart’s beating faster than how it feels after I’ve rushed the ball to make a touchdown.

I ran for many reasons. First, because I didn’t want Tanner or anyone else from my normal lunch crowd to latch on and follow me down here. Second, of course, because I couldn’t wait to see Ellen again. And third, because I’m a dork, and I think running through empty school hallways is awesome entertainment.

So what? No one saw.

As I flip on the light, I’m surprised to find Patrick already sitting at one of the work tables at the back of the room, feet up. He’s been watching me this whole time. And he’s not smiling.

Not at all.

“Ellen didn’t tell me you’d be here,” I say, raising a questioning brow as I dump my lunch sack off near the door and cross the room to where he’s sitting.

Patrick slams his feet down. “I didn’t know I suddenly needed an invitation to have lunch with the girl
I
have lunch with in
here
every other day. So you know, Ellen invited me, way back to help with her photo project. I’d told her no because of football commitments, but, as of this morning I’ve decided to sign on. If you’ve got time, I’ve got time.”

“Why?” My dad’s face flashes in my mind. I hear him ordering me to get Patrick to work on the project with us. If he saw us both in here, he would pat me on the back and believe I orchestrated this.

Way to work fast, son. That’s my little puppet.

My heart constricts and I feel slightly ill, wishing my dad hadn’t ever brought up the football scholarship stuff to me. “I wouldn’t sign on, dude,” I say, walking over to the windows. “This project is going to be a ton of work plus eons of time, and it’s going to seriously cut into your social life. Are you going to even get a grade for your time? At least the rest of us will bump our GPA’s if we do well.”

I turn back and he eyes me with a steely-black gaze from across the room. “Are you trying to get rid of me?”

I wonder if I could hold my own in a fight with this guy, because it looks like he wants to pound me into the ground right here and now. I switch focus back out the window and try to act all relaxed and bored. “No. But if you’ve got better things to do, then you don’t need to burn up your free time, that’s all. Miss Brown assigned me to Ellen’s project to make sure she doesn’t get hurt. If you were worried, Ellen’s safety is covered. That’s all.”

“Is it? Well, guess what? I’d like to make sure of that.” He blinks, crossing his arms and leaning back in his chair. “You’re the one who’s outside your element, not me. So don’t expect me to just find a new best friend because you think you’ve got a little school assignment to do.”

I shrug again, fronting hard now. “Whatever. I’m just here to get my grade and get on with my life.”

“Really. Ellen told me you’re a better photographer than she is and that maybe you’re as invested in the WOA project as she is. Is it true? If you win, will you spend the summer in Ontario, living in the Western Ontario Arts dorms? With her?”

I blink, surprised. “I’m sure you guessed she’s lying. No way am I more talented. I also really don’t care if I win the WOA, though it would be cool. My dad wouldn’t let me go off to live in dorms for a summer and miss football camp.”

“I’m not sure what’s a lie anymore, but if you don’t
care
about the WOA project then you and I are about to have a huge problem.” He uncrosses his arms and leans across the table toward me, letting his severe expression slip. “Look. Dude. I don’t mean to be too much in your business but I’m going to let my guard down here and level with you.”

“Okay?” I raise one brow.

He stands up and walks over to the windows. “I need to know what you are doing. With Ellen.
To
Ellen’s head.”

My heart twists and I let my guard down too. “I haven’t done anything to her, other than try to look out for her—keep her safe, I guess. Did she say I was out of line or something?”

He rolls his eyes to the ceiling. “No. She said nothing. Which is not like her. And she’s been sporting this secretive smile. One I don’t even recognize that’s hitting her face every few minutes. After what I witnessed at the bus stop today and on the bus, I think that is all because of you. If you aren’t into the WOA project like it’s your religion then…dude, are you…into
Ellen
?”

“What if I am?” My breath catches, and I’m replaying his words all while trying to keep my face straight, wondering if it’s true. “A different smile? Really?”

Patrick uncrosses his arms and leans against the window jam. “You can get any girl you set your mind to. Can’t you see Ellen’s about to get an unrealistic crush going on you? All the signs are there that she’s got one going already.”

“You think? Really?” My heart soars. This guy knows her better than anyone.

“Yes.” He draws his brows down into a menacing glare. “I’m asking you to take a step back before she gets interested…or her heart gets involved.”

I shake my head. “Step back? Sorry, but no. If that’s the case, then I’ve got to keep going.”

“Why? Truth. All of it.”

“Truth? I’ve had my own unrealistic crush on that girl for years.”

“You’ve never even looked her way.”

“Yes, I have. She’s just never looked back until yesterday. You know how she is, always in her own bubble, doing her own thing.”

He nods, but doesn’t say anything so I go on, “I’ve waited a long time to figure out a way to talk to her. Like since eighth grade. And now Miss Brown and Laura London have paved the way for me. I’m not backing down. Not now that it seems to be working. I suck at communication with girls who I actually
like
. I’m hoping this project is going to allow me to get to know her better so…”

“So what? So you can hook-up?” His hands have fisted like he’s going to murder me.

“No! I want…”

“A girlfriend? Because that’s the only answer I’m going to accept from you.”

“Dude. I don’t know. Okay? A friend at least. But yeah, if things go well…I’m hoping I can convince her to like me back—on that level.”

“And if it works?” He frowns. “If she takes the bait, then what? Did you think stuff through? It’s not like Ellen can just run with your regular crowd.”

“Why?”

“Because she’s nicer than they are—because she doesn’t deserve to be made fun of—and your crowd has been making fun of Ellen since grade seven!” He throws his arms wide. “If she blows you off—and I think she should—are you going to ditch the WOA project? Because that project is more important than air to that girl. I can’t have you messing with that either. More than the teasing, you messing up that project, it would kill her.”

I pin him with my own back-off glare and add, “I won’t let her be made fun of. That’s a promise. If I have to, I’ll run with a different crowd. Starting with Laura. And you. If you’re not a jerk, that is. And if you aren’t her
dad
. Which, by the way, you kind of sound like both right now…so…”

“Please.” He snorts, obviously not intimidated by me. “Do you even know anything about her? Ellen can’t even
run
at all. Not one step. So running with your crowd or me or you is not an option.”

My heart sinks. “I mean…I didn’t know….”

“You don’t know a lot of stuff about her or about her CP.”

“So what? I don’t care if she can’t run. I like
her
. Not how she runs or walks, not if she has or doesn’t have Cerebral Palsy! What does that matter?”

He sighs and leans back against the window sill, pausing to put his hands into his hair like this whole thing is giving him a headache. “What about how she’s all slow and fragile and what about how she falls?”

“How she falls is why I can’t stop myself from wanting to be near her. I feel like I can protect her.”

He nods slowly. “She doesn’t
want
or
need
a protector. Say that in front of her and you’re sunk.”

“I already figured that one out, thanks, but at this point, I couldn’t stop myself from watching over her even if I tried.”

“Tell me about it. Welcome to my whole life.”

I manage a wry smile. “As for her project, I’ll do anything she wants for that. I’m not going to let her down. Even if she’s not into me, I’m solid to do the work and do it well.”

He nods. “But you’ve said you’ve got a crush. How do you imagine all of that part is going to go?”

I sigh and turn to lean on the window jam as well. “Who knows? Maybe once we know each other better—maybe then—she will decide she likes me back, or maybe we will hate each other. Or, maybe we will never bring up the topic of how I’ve got a crush on her at all—unless you blurt out something stupid.”

“I won’t. I don’t want her having her hopes up unless it’s for real.”

I blink. “I can’t predict that. Worst case, we will end up friends. Isn’t that how things should go once you’ve got your heart tied in knots with wondering crap like how things are going to go with a girl you like? Honestly, dude. I have no clue.”

He lets out a long breath. “I’d back off if all things were normal. But you know things just can’t be normal with Ellen. You’ve got no idea what and how hard she battles every minute of her life to just get through the day. Just to walk down one hallway in this school.”

“Is it a crime if I want to know? If I want to understand her? Know her?”

He shrugs. “Maybe not. Even though she comes across tough as nails, she’s not. Ellen hasn’t grown an inch or put on one pound since her last surgery two years ago. She’s all of 100 pounds. To keep her weight up is really hard. The PT she endures and Botox shots she gets to keep the left side of her body and her hand flexible are extreme. And that’s just her physical stuff. She’s got other stuff going on—stuff about how she’s really stubborn, and stuff about how her dad left her and her mom years ago and he sucks. She’s still facing surgeries on her bad leg and arm that she’s refusing to even do! So much stuff that is not even my right to share any of this information with you but I am because for some messed up reason I feel like I believe you.” He lets out a long sigh. “She needs to stay strong and focused and happy to get through to the end of senior year. I can’t let you just show up and get inside her head because you’re curious. Not even a little.”

“But if I’m more than just curious? And if she liked me back, do you think she and I would be anything good together?”

He meets my gaze dead on. “Do you? With your football future—your schedule—your life? With your father who is not the nicest person? Do you really think you and your situation will bring anything but stress and more heartbreak to Ellen’s life? Because, no offense, I seriously wonder.”

“I—I don’t know. Don’t you also have a dad who’s a jerk and yet you seem to be a great part of Ellen’s life.”

He shakes his head and smiles with an air of apology, appearing to relax some. “Yeah. True. Shouldn’t be a life sentence to have dirt bag family members hanging around, I guess. If we count Ellen’s father into the equation, then that factor seems to have made the three of us into cool enough people.” He goes on, “Just know, her CP, her exhaustion, her whole everyday life that we take for granted hurts her way more than she lets on.”

I nod. “I swear I won’t let anything bad happen to her. I couldn’t. I like her too much.”

Patrick moves closer until he and I are standing eye-to-eye. “Give me one reason to trust you with Ellen Foster’s heart—her soul. She thinks you have some kind of magic talent that has her stuck on this idea you guys can win. So give me one reason, and I’ll back down and give you—and your idea about your crush on my best friend—a chance.”

“Fine. It’s more than a crush. It’s something bigger. It’s taken me this long to even speak to her because every time I’ve even thought about it, I’ve bombed. It’s because I think I’m somehow in love with her, okay? I think I’ve always been in love with her.”

“No. Way.” Patrick blinks. “Just. No. Way.”

“Yes. Okay?” I glare at him. “I don’t know what it means or where that’s going, or even if I’m ever going to have any sort of courage to tell her. Because you’re right, I’m a mess and so is my whole life. Now that I know her better, I get that she’s so far out of my league that I’m pretty sure I don’t deserve her.”

He nods. “Go on. I agree with all that you’ve said.”

“I only know how I’ve felt for a long time, like she and I are supposed to somehow be at the very least friends. All I can do is hope for something more. The feeling’s so strong, and so inescapable it’s all consuming. I actually feel like I’m losing my mind when I think about her.”

He blinks and steps back, letting out a low whistle. “Do you feel crazy? You don’t sleep at all? And you have this ongoing sensation like you’ve become a stalker and you’re mostly freaked out all the time?”

“Exactly.” I blink at him. “How do you know?”

He laughs and runs a hand through his hair. “We are so doomed.”

“What?”

“That’s how I feel about Laura London.”

I laugh. “No. You and the glitter girl? No.” I shake my head, laughing more while trying to picture it. “Really?”

He nods but is not even cracking a smile. He’s serious!

“But she’s got a boyfr—”

“I know. Don’t say it.” He flushes. “At least you’ve known Ellen for years and years. I can sort of see how a long-time crush could escalate and make you feel this way. But, dude. In less than two days that fuzzy headed Irish girl has wrecked me!” He points to his face. “Look at the circles under my eyes. I didn’t even believe in stupid love-at-first sight and now I’m all-in. And crazy and in some sort of endless pain!”

I laugh again. “Trust me, the time thing makes it worse. I’ve tried to talk to Ellen for two years and I’ve failed. Now that I’ve broken through, I can’t sleep or breathe or eat. My parents think these dark circles are from me studying late! The guys on the team think I’m pissed off at them or something, because I don’t want to hang out with anyone who is not Ellen. I only want to figure out a way to hang out with her more. Think of ways to impress her. Ways to make her notice me in the right way…you know? Worse, I’m scared that with one wrong move I’ll mess it all up, and she’ll be gone.”

He pulls out his cell phone and checks the time. “I’m with you. I’d do just about anything to spend more time with Laura London right now. That is why I am
really
signing onto this photo project. Despite Laura’s boyfriend and the fact that she’s only a short timer in this country, and that it’s obvious things will never go my way, I still have this sick gambler feeling that I’ve got a chance! How insane does that sound?”

“Very. Mostly because if you land that Irish-sparkle-fish, what are you going to do with her? She’s kind of a…menace.”

He’s laughing now. “I know, right? But that’s part of her charm. Ellen thinks it’s just going to be a quick phase for me, but how I feel…” He shakes his head.

“But how you feel…there’s no way this can just be a phase, right?”

“Yep.”

“Then we’re on the same page.”

Ellen and Laura enter the room arm in arm laughing and pause at the door. “
Oi!
Ellen, have a look! Our boys are already here! Hullo, wee-laddies.”