How I Got Here (4 page)

River,

I guess we all know how you get such good grades now, tell me does your mommy just push up your grades for your English classes? Or has she figured out a way to get the other teachers on her side as well? I did think that it was a big coincidence, you know that as soon as your mother was made principal a couple of months ago, all of a sudden your grades started to get better and better, did you think we wouldn’t notice and put it together? We aren’t as stupid as you River. Did you ask her to do it? Or is this as much a shock to you as it is to me, as it was to all of us?

You and your family make me sick; I can’t believe I was ever your friend, when all you are is a fake little liar. Not even your mother thinks you’re good enough without her cheating for you.

Oh and River, before you even try to deny it, I have proof, so if you don’t believe me then check your email.

Emma.

I felt so sick after reading that, it couldn’t be true what she was saying, that was the thought that was running circles in my head, because my mother would never abuse her new position like that, she had been promoted to principal a month after school started up, she was a good honest woman, and so she wouldn’t do that. I also didn’t need help getting good grades, I had always been a good student, I didn’t quite get straight A’s, but still I got decent passing grades in all of my subjects, and sure my grades had b
een improving recently, but I thought that was only because I spent more time studying now, after all I didn’t exactly have any friends to hang out with. Still the letter was there in my hands, there was a class full of students watching me read it, and in the letter Emma had said she had proof, and whatever this proof was, I needed to see it. So I grabbed my bag and ran out of the classroom, almost knocking over our teacher as he walked into the classroom, seeming incredibly surprised that I was leaving before the lesson even began. He called after me, but I kept on going ignoring him, and headed straight to the library, sat on the floor in a dark quiet corner, pulled out my laptop and went to my emails.

My inbox was flooded with emails from students, all saying similar things that I was ugly and horrible, that I was a liar and a cheat
er, that I was disgusting and fat, that they wish I didn’t go to this school, and some of the more colorful ones, saying things like they wished I was dead, or that I had never been born. I read each and every last one of them, I couldn’t seem to stop myself, even though I knew they would only hurt me, I knew I should just delete them and pretend they didn’t exist, that’s what I would have done if I was smart, I would have deleted them, but I didn’t. That was a huge mistake; I never should have read those emails. I didn’t know who sent most of them, because they all used different email addressed to the ones they used for school, but I knew that they came from people in my school, it was pretty hard to cover up that fact, because they all made mention to things that had happened in school.

I dug out Emma’s email; it wasn’t from her usual email address, even though she’d known that
I would know it was from her. There was no message with the email, just two documents attached; it was an essay that I had written in my English class the week before. It was marked with a C, which wasn’t right, because I had been given an A for that essay. I had spent days writing it, and had been thrilled with my mark. The scanned pages had something written on them in red marker.
Look at the file dates.
There was a third document, a screenshot of the file where the scanned essays were kept, two files had been highlighted, the file that was marked with a C grade had been graded two days earlier, than the one with the A grade. The mark had been changed, it must have been changed or else why were there two different versions, one with an amended mark.

I couldn’t quite believe it, surely somehow Emma or Kim had managed to alter these files, because my mom just wouldn’t do this. I decided I needed to look into it more, and since I knew that my mother wasn’t at the school that day, because she had a meeting with a local private school for boys, about setting up a dance. So I slammed my laptop shut a little too forcefully, and headed directly towards my mother’s office. Her secretary Ruth was at her desk outside my mom’s office, I tried to seem like I wasn’t completely shaken, a task which took a lot of energy but I pulled off, I fixed a smile on my face and walked up to her.

‘Hi Ruth, listen would it be ok if I went into my mom’s office, I’ve got a terrible headache and I forgot to put any painkillers in my bag, but I know that my mom keeps some in her office.’ I smiled at her sweetly. I don’t mean to sound horrible saying this, but Ruth is the kind of person who is easy to fool, she’s very trusting and I felt bad lying to her. She willingly let me pass, with a few words of concern about my headache, and then she went back to her work, which this morning consisted of replying to letters from parents.

I went inside the office, making sure I pushed the door firmly
shut; my mother’s office didn’t have any windows that looked out on the main administration office, so I didn’t have to worry about Ruth seeing me. I would have to be quick though, or else Ruth may come in to check on me.

I slid into her soft office chair and switched on the computer, it was easy to break into it, because my mom used the same password for everything, and I’d once seen her putting it in at home to check her emails, it was quite simply MLTLRLWL, our families initials, Mildred Lee my mother, Trevor Lee my father, River Lee I think you know who that one is, and then Wade Lee my brother, you’re shocked now aren’t you, I think I’ll watch you read this one, because I’d like to see your reaction to that. I won’t tell you much about my brother now, but don’t worry you’ll find out about him, he stars in a letter a little later on, so you’ll see how he fits into everything, because he does fit in.

My mother’s filing system was easy to navigate as well, because I’d given her the idea of how to arrange everything, because she never had been very computer literate. The evidence was all right there, essays and tests of mine all with changed marks, and emails to other teachers, offering them bonuses if they went along with it. I could hardly believe my eyes. I stumbled out of the office; I must have looked really ill because Ruth jumped up from her chair, took my arm and tried to steady me. In honesty I can’t really remember much of what happened. I remember sitting on the little green couch in the office, being handed a cup of water and Ruth forcing me to drink it. The next thing I know I’m in a cab pulling up outside my building. That’s when the initial shock started to wear off, I began to gain control of my senses again. I climbed out of the cab and went to hand him the fare, but he told me kindly that it had been paid; I suppose Ruth must have taken care of it. I rummaged in my purse for my keys to the building, eventually finding them a few minutes later, and with a shaking hand I opened the door. I don’t know why but I took the stairs to the tenth floor where we lived, I suppose I may have needed the time to think, to burn off some of the anger that was building up inside me, but I don’t think climbing the stairs really worked for that, because when I got into the apartment I could feel the anger and humiliation boiling inside me.

I suppose what I did next was a warning that I was losing my grip, losing my better judgment and all logic, I was starting to let things spin out of my control, because what I did when I got home wasn’t highly logical, in fact common sense played no part.

I was home before my parents, they wouldn’t be back for a while yet, so I went to my room and gathered together all of my textbooks. I carried them out into the kitchen and dumped them on the counter, and then I climbed up on a stool and switched off our smoke alarm. Took all of my textbooks one by one, and put them into the oven and then switched it on. I made sure I left the door of the oven open.

My parents had a tradition to meet up for coffee before coming home, so they always arrived back together, which worked nicely for my plan, because when they walked in hand in hand, the apartment was filling nicely with thick smoke, and to add to the overall dramatic affect I was going for, there were flames spilling out of the oven, flames which looked way more serious than they actually were, because I was making sure to remain completely in control of the fire, it was basically my own little indoor bonfire, entirely contained, and yet it was still so stupid of me, because it could have so easily gotten out of control, just as so much else was slipping out of my control.

When they walked in, I was sat on a chair in front of the door, one which I had dragged over from the main lounge area. I’d put it there so that they could see me as soon as they walked in, I wanted to shock them. Actually that isn’t fair, I wanted to shock my mother, I wanted
her
to see how upset I was, how betrayed I was feeling, it didn’t have anything to do with my dad, he wasn’t the one who had thought so little of my abilities, that he’d changed my grades, that was all on my mother.

I watched them as they came in, even though I wasn’t entirely with it at that point, but I could see their eyes widening, my dad covered his mouth with the corner of his jacket, ran inside a
nd grabbed our fire extinguisher, and started to put out the flames. My mother meanwhile came to my side and dropped to her knees, I simply stared at her blankly even though I was starting to feel drowsy from the smoke, and I could have done with getting out from the smoke filled room. This was something else which I had failed to take into consideration, which I should have done before I threw the books into the oven.

Looking back on this now I can see how foolish, how dangerous my actions were, because if they’d come back later than they did, I may have slipped into unconsciousness, I wouldn’t have been able to keep the fire contained, and I would have put everybody in the building at risk, because I was acting irrationally.

‘River – what on earth are you doing?’ My mother tried to get me up, but I pushed myself further into the back of the chair, curling my legs up to my chest, she tried again, ‘Are you hurt? Come on we need to get you out of here.’

‘No!’ I remember
getting up at this point, my dad had just managed to put the fire out, and he’d pushed open all of the windows. My burnt textbooks were lying on the kitchen floor, blackened by the fire.

‘River did you start this?’ My dad’s voice is so unbelieving and yet what else could he think, there was no other logical explanation to what he had just walked in on. I looked over at him and saw that his eyes were filled with concern, I felt so terrible for doing this, because I had never meant to hur
t him. I ran over to him and flew into his open arms.

‘I’m so sorry daddy.’ He holds me close as I cry onto his shoulder; I don’t know if he could hear the wheezing in my voice, or if it was just common sense, but he pulled me away from the kitchen, took me to my room and pushed the windows in there open as well. My mother followed us into the room. I pulled away from my dad, sat on my bed and pulled my stuffed rabbit toy onto my lap, it’s one that I’ve had since I was three, you know the one right? It sits on my bed in the hospital, the really floppy white one, that’s Snow. Anyway back to the story.

‘Why did you do this?’ My mother stood in front of me, placing her hands on her hops as she spoke. I looked up at her with the stoniest expression I could manage.

‘I didn’t need them.’ I was defiant again, remembering the anger which had made me set light to them in the first place. I quickly wiped away the tears, wanting to be stronger than the girl who was currently falling apart.

‘What do you mean you don’t need them? Of course you do.’ My father looked at me in complete bewilderment. I turned to look at my mother to answer his question, because I wanted to see her reaction.

‘I’ll still get good grades won’t I?’ I challenged her, ‘I don’t need to keep on stressing over tests, working for hours on my essays. In fact mom I have my next essay for my English class right now.’ I get up at this point, head to my desk and grab a piece of blank paper, throwing it at her. ‘It’s good isn’t it; do you think it’ll get an A?’

‘What’s going on River? What are you talking about?’ My dad looks from my mom to me and back again. My mother is looking guilty so she must have realized that I knew.

‘I uh – I’ve – made a mistake, but I was only trying to – uh’ She stumbled over her
words; I assume she was trying to find a way to rationalize what she’d done.

‘What? Trying to tell me that I wasn’t good enough, that the work I put in isn’t enough for you.’ I screamed at her, I was so angry at the whole situation, angry that she would do this, angry that she didn’t think I could get good grades without her cheating for me, and furious that everybody at school knew about it, and would use it as more ammunition against me.

‘No! Honey please I was only trying to do what was best for you, I was protecting your future, if you’re going to get into a good college then you needed this, you needed to be getting straight A’s and you weren’t.’

‘I could have worked harder, I would have worked harder. Don’t you see? I don’t want to get into a good college, not if it’s not a place that I earned. I could have gotten a tutor if it came to it, but you never even gave me a chance. You just decided right off that I wasn’t good enough for your expectations, what was it? Did my grades embarrass
you; the principal’s daughter wasn’t getting top grades, so you had to fix it.’ I was really screaming now, my voice getting higher and angrier with each word. My dad seemed to decide that the situation needed to be defused, he stood up from where he was sat at my desk, silently listening to the argument unfold, he took my arm and guided me towards the door.