How It Ends (28 page)

I shake my head at her stupidity. “That's the most fucked-up thing I've ever heard.
Girls like me.
You just want me to fight your battles from years ago, don't you?” I ask, realization dawning. “I'm not a plot device in the story of your life, Jessie. I'm a
person.
And I'm just as fucked up . . . no, make that
more
fucked up than you or anyone else. There's no such thing as
girls like me.
That's a fantasy.”

Her eyes are wide. “I don't want you to fight my battles. I want you to fight
yours.
And you're right that I don't know what you've got going on.
Because you won't tell me.
How am I supposed to be there for you when you won't let me in?”

I shrug and shake my head at her. “It's too late, Jess. I don't
want
to talk about this with you. I don't
want
to let you in. Go back to your friends and leave me alone.”

“You're gonna say yes, right? Say yes.”

I smiled and shook my head at Charlie. He was being ridiculous. “I don't dance.”

“I'll teach you.”

“I thought we were cool hipster rebels who don't buy into the trappings of conventional teenage life.”

“We'll be ironic about it,” he said with a wicked gleam in his eye. “We'll expose the ridiculousness of the teen dance trope by playing it out to its fullest. I'm thinking corsage, photos in your living room, first kiss on the dance floor. The whole nine yards.”

He gave me his best pleading look but then pulled back abruptly and looked over my shoulder.

I followed his gaze to see what had wiped the smile off his face.

It was Courtney and Scott. Making a scene in front of Annie's table.

“C'mon,” Charlie said gently, pulling at my sleeve. “You don't want to see this.”

I shook him off and watched as Courtney set her tray down on Annie's table with a clatter. Annie just held her book up higher in front of her face, ignoring Courtney the way she does every day. Today, though, Courtney would not be put off.

“Who's prettier?” she asked Scott loudly. “Me or your ex-girlfriend?”

I could see Annie's book wobble a bit, but she pretended she couldn't hear.

Scott looked queasy. “C'mon, Court, cut it out.” He pulled on her arm, trying to end the scene.

“No.” Courtney pouted. “I really want to know. You think I'm prettier than her, right?”

“You're beautiful. Now let's go.”

Courtney leaned over and yanked the book out of Annie's hands. “I need your help, Annie,” she sang. “I want to get Scott something
really special.
You know what he likes, right?”

I watched Annie raise her eyes to meet Courtney's, and I searched her face for any signs of fire.
Come on, Annie,
I willed her.
Fight.

But Annie just looked back and forth between Courtney and Scott. She was hoping Scott would call Courtney off, I could tell.

“Nothing?” Courtney asked, sidling up to Scott. “I guess she doesn't know you as well as I do.” She grabbed a fistful of Scott's shirt and pulled him in for a kiss. And not just any kiss. This one involved tongue, full body contact, and, I'm pretty sure, was worthy of an R rating. Everyone in the cafeteria was staring at them. Including Annie.

And that was it. I lost it.

One minute I was in my cafeteria chair, watching my best friend be humiliated, and the next I had Courtney's golden ponytail gripped in my hand.

I hauled her off of Scott, a red haze clouding my vision.

“What the
fuck?
” Courtney yelled, stumbling backwards and banging against the table.

She whirled around and burst into cruel laughter when she saw who her attacker was.

“Isn't this
precious,
” she said, standing up and brushing herself off. “Little Lezzie has come to protect her one true love.” Courtney looked from side to side dramatically, as though she was about to impart a secret. “I hate to be the one to tell you this, Lez, but I'm pretty sure your slutty little friend is into
boys.
”

By the time she finished spitting out her insults, Courtney was bearing down on me, her nose inches from mine. I should have been
terrified.

But I wasn't.

All of a sudden Courtney seemed small to me. Small and mean.

I drew myself up to my full height and looked her straight in the eyes. “
You're
calling Annie a slut? That's hilarious. What, did you wait like ten minutes before screwing her ex-boyfriend? Seems pretty slutty to me.”

“Oh please,” Courtney said. “Scott came to
me.
He wanted to date someone
normal.
” She looked over her shoulder at Scott for backup, but he'd retreated to the jocks' table and was cowering among his teammates.

It made me laugh.

“It's pretty
convenient,
isn't it?” I asked loudly, looking around the cafeteria. All eyes were on me, and for once I was glad for it. “A bunch of rumors start up about Annie, making Scott break up with her, and then . . . poof. There you are, swooping in to snatch him up. It's enough to make people wonder . . .”

Chatter broke out all around us, and I could see people tapping away on their phones. The rumor mill was in full swing, and for once, Courtney wasn't wielding its power.

“You little bitch,” she said, shoving me backwards as phone cameras clicked all around us.

Something exploded inside me. I was so
done
with being pushed around. My hands gripped into tight fists as years of frustration came bursting out of me. I heard someone shouting at us to
break it up,
but it was too late to stop, and my fist smashed into Courtney's nose just before rough hands pulled me away.

I looked back as the vice principal, Mr. Anderson, marched me from the cafeteria. Courtney was doubled over, with a teacher beside her, and Annie was still sitting in her chair, looking as shocked as I felt.

At least the deadness in her eyes was gone, I thought with a manic giggle.

“This is
not
funny,” Mr. Anderson told me, propelling me toward the office. “You're looking at a suspension here.”

I tried, unsuccessfully, to wipe the smile off my face while I rolled the idea of a suspension around in my head.

Totally worth it.

I'm sketching the look that was on Jessie's face at the moment her fist made contact with Courtney's nose, when Jess walks into my room.

I'm so shocked to see her that I don't say anything at first. I didn't invite her, and it feels like a violation for her to just show up like this.

“What do you want?” I say in a voice that lets her know just how unwelcome she is.

She blinks in surprise. “I . . . I thought you'd be happy to see me.” She edges closer to my bed, and I close my sketchbook before she can see what I'm drawing. I'm not sure what it says about either one of us that the first time I've managed to capture her in a sketch was immediately after she clobbered Courtney.

“Why? Because you
came to my rescue
today? Am I supposed to fall all over myself thanking you now?”

“No,” she says quietly. “But I thought we could talk.”

“Trust me. You don't want to talk to me.”

“You can't be serious,” she says, glaring at me. “What more,
exactly,
do I need to do to prove my friendship?”

“I don't
want
you to prove your friendship. I
want
you to go away.”

She shakes her head angrily and storms toward the door. “You're unbelievable.”

I knew it,
I think.
I knew she'd leave.

Just before she steps over the threshold into the hallway, though, she whirls around and marches back into my room. “You know what?
Fuck
that!”

I startle, and a nervous laugh escapes me. Jess never swears. “Did you just say
fuck that?
”

“Yeah. Fuck that. And fuck you, Annie. Do you know what a big deal it was for me to stand up to Courtney? I did that for
you.
” A tear escapes her right eye and tracks down her face. “Do you have any idea how much I wish I'd had someone to stand up for me all those years ago? How much it would have meant for me to have anyone—anyone—stand beside me? I wanted to be that person for you, you ungrateful bitch.”

Her chest is heaving and her cheeks are flushed, and I'm so scared I'm afraid to breathe. I swallow hard and then ask, “Why?”

“Why?”

“Why me? Was it really for me? Or was it for you?”

Her face melts into a sad smile. “Is that what you think? That I just wanted to get revenge on Courtney?”

I shrug.

“Trust me when I tell you that the last thing I ever wanted to do was stand up in a crowded cafeteria and have it out with Courtney. I was peeing my pants the whole time!” A giggle escapes her, and she slaps her hand over her mouth as if to hold it in.

“You're crazy,” I tell her, trying to hold a straight face. I don't even recognize this girl who swears and yells at me and punches Courtney in the nose. There's a laugh welling up inside me, but when it comes out, it's a sob instead.

I don't know what to do with all this
feeling.

Jess takes a step toward me, and I put up my hand to stop her. “Thank you for today,” I choke out. “Really. But I don't deserve it.”

“What are you talking about?” she says gently. “You're my friend.”

“Trust me. You don't want to be my friend. If you knew everything I've done. Everything I've screwed up. You'd go running.”

“You're wrong.”

I laugh a bitter little laugh. “You don't know.”

“Try me,” she says, folding her arms over her chest. “There's nothing you can say that will change how I feel about you.”

She's so naive, standing there. I can't help myself. I open my mouth, and it all comes out. I tell her about how alone I am here at home and how much I hate Madeleine and Sophie. I tell her about the abortion and how I could have stopped it and didn't. I tell her how I spat on the memory of my mom by destroying a life when that was the most precious thing of all. And I tell her how I lost my mom's necklace and was too chicken to go back and look for it.

It all comes spilling out, pooling on the floor between us. All the ugliness and all the shame. I let it puddle in the space between us, sure that it will give her the push she needs to walk away. Sure that she will see me for who I really am and recognize that I'm not the person she thinks.

Jess stands there while I let it all out. She sees it all.

And then she walks right through that sea of ugliness like it's not even there, and envelops me in a hug.

Annie pulled away at first, but I held on anyway. She stiffened and laughed uncomfortably, but I held on. I held on until she gave in to the hug, and I kept holding on when she started to cry.

I felt it pouring out of her—all the pain and shame and sadness.

“I had no idea,” I told her as she sobbed against my shoulder. “I'm so, so sorry.”

She shook her head, pulling back to look at me.

“I'm sorry you had to do all that alone. I'm sorry I wasn't there for you.”

She shifted and sat cross-legged on her bed. “You don't think I'm a bad person?”

Something about the way she looked at me broke my heart in two. She looked so uncertain. So full of doubt. “I think you're an outstanding person. And a brave one, too.”

She shook her head, as if I'd missed the point. “You're lying, then. Because I'm not brave at all. If I was brave, I wouldn't have let all this happen.”

“Bullshit,” I told her, reveling in my new, badass way of swearing. “Being brave doesn't mean nothing bad happens to you. Bad things happen no matter what. Being brave is how you handle those things. How you keep going and trying and being yourself.”

“
You're
the brave one,” she told me, bumping her shoulder against mine. “You really ripped Courtney a new one today.”

I laughed. “I
was
pretty awesome, wasn't I?”

“Did you get in trouble?”

“Three-day suspension,” I admitted. “And a warning. Courtney and I aren't allowed to talk to each other. You can imagine how broken up I am by that.”

“Holy
shit!
Did your parents freak? How are you here and not grounded for eternity?”

I shrugged. “I told them the truth—that my best friend was being bullied and I stood up for her. When Mom found out it was Courtney, she nearly did a cartwheel.”

“Well, you found your inner bitch today, that's for sure. Remind me never to piss you off.”

“You know what they say,” I deadpanned. “Bitches get stuff
done.
”

Annie sputtered. “Put that up on your geek wall!”

I laughed till I snorted, which made both of us laugh harder.

When we finally came up for air, an idea started to take shape in my mind. “Speaking of getting stuff done,” I said, “get ready. We're going out.”

Annie shook her head. “No way. I'm exhausted. Let's just hang out here.”

“No. I mean, we have somewhere very specific we need to go.” I pushed her into her bathroom and then pulled out my phone to do some research.

By the time Annie came out, there was a taxi waiting out front. “What the hell, Jess?” she said. “I'm really not up for an adventure right now.”

“Tough,” I told her, loving the shocked look on her face. “Just trust me.”

I had the taxi drop by my house, where my mom was waiting with the money I'd asked to borrow for the fare. I jumped out and grabbed it from her before sprinting back to the cab. “Are you going to tell me what's going on?” she called after me.