How Not to Calm a Child on a Plane (10 page)

All of which begs the question: What the crap is going on here?!

Well, according to science,
^*
married couples with children report significantly lower rates of sexual satisfaction than married couples without children.

In other words:

And Boom, there it is.

According to science, children steal your sex life, those adorably selfish little buggers. They impede the very act that created them, with unspoken and ironic delight.

But why? Why does passion fade like a jean jacket from H&M after just three days of wear? How is it possible that one minute you're unable to keep your hands off each
other, and the next you've forgotten that you possess compatible naked parts under your clothes?
^*

“WHY, OH WHY, DOES THE BOINKING GO BUH-BYE?”

In order to answer this question, let's break it down with a few more very unscientific observations:

Y
OUR
S
HRINKING
B
ANDWIDTH

This new human interloper is commanding a large chunk of your time—time that you once used for a variety of important activities, like personal hygiene, keeping up with those pesky Kardashians, and taking naked running leaps onto your boyfriend. Now all of these activities are fighting for the limited time you have between diaper changes, staring at your angry nipples, being cornered by dead-eyed Stepford moms at the playground, and remembering how letters combine to form words.
^†

“R
EAL
” Y
OU
, M
EET
Y
OUR
“R
EAL
” P
ARTNER

Before the kid showed up, parental stress was purely theoretical. Once that kid arrived, the poopoo hit the fan, literally,
figuratively, and with shocking frequency. You now find yourself facing new challenges every day, many of which you will not handle well (i.e., “Is that a diaper rash? Call 911!”). As a result, your co-parent may be left wondering why s/he ever found you sexable in the first place. (In my case, I'd guess that my husband was not exactly filled with desire for me the day that he watched me cuss out, kick, and cry at a stroller that wouldn't fold properly.)

S
UBCONSCIOUS
R
ESENTMENT

Far be it from me to put words in your mouth, but could it be that, in helping to bring this new game-changing person into your family, you subconsciously blame your mate for ruining your life? And while I'm gently depositing phrases into your oral cavity, may I also suggest that maybe you don't feel like having sex right now because (a) you don't want to risk this kind of thing happening again and (b) you'll be damned if you're going to give that bitch/bastard/jerk/effing effer even one effing iota of pleasure anytime this effing century.

N
ATURE
I
S
F
INISHED WITH
Y
OU

As I've said before, what I know about science could probably half fill a small notebook, but that doesn't stop me from making grand generalizations about things that other people spend lifetimes studying. Hence my conclusion that once you've satisfied your hormonal imperative and are in the process of raising a child, “nature” has a waning interest in your continuing to reproduce and therefore hits the kill switch on the old libido machine
and sends you off to find a new purpose. Like blogging about needlepoint. Or mastering chair yoga.

C
ONFLICTING
E
MOTIONS

Many couples experience difficulty adjusting to their dramatically changed roles. You may have trouble enjoying the image of your baby's father engaged in something that, only months ago, would have driven you wild with desire (i.e., that time he wore a rhinestone-studded G-string and gave you a lap dance to Def Leppard's “Pour Some Sugar on Me”). Similarly, your partner may now have trouble accepting the image of you as a sweet, loving mother figure when just last year he celebrated you in the heat of passion by yelling, “HOLY SCHNIKES, YOU COULD SUCK THE GLAZE OFF MY GRANDMA'S HUMMEL FIGURINES!”

O
LD
C
OPING
M
ECHANISMS
N
O
L
ONGER
A
PPLY

Back in the prekid days, when you and your partner quarreled over something important,
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you could make a dramatic exit, then return twelve hours later with a new outlook and some cheap wine in your gullet, raring to go for some exhausting and satisfying makeup sex. But all that's off the table now. What made for “hot drama” before—slamming doors, dramatic ultimatums, disappearing into the night—has morphed into “irresponsible parenting” at best and “child endangerment” at worst. Not cool, man.
Not cool
.

Y
OUR
H
OME
H
AS
B
EEN
O
VERTAKEN BY THE
D
ETRITUS OF
B
ABYHOOD

No more lava-lamp lighting or sensual Patrick Nagel prints on the wall; your love den has been transformed into a waypoint for thousands of dollars of unsexy, plastic-molded, primary-colored crap. That leopard-print love seat on which you once posed seductively? It's now home to a pile of stained baby bibs. That groovy beanbag chair in which the two of you used to get nasty? It's now covered in a layer of mysterious and foul-smelling slime. And if you do somehow manage to get your cranky, tired engines started, you can look forward to rolling over onto a radio-controlled triceratops and pinching a spinal nerve in the aftermath. And trust me—I speak from experience when I say that it's near impossible to keep your motor running after pulling a piece of Lego out of your butt crack.

As the previous examples clearly illustrate, parental lovemaking is like a rare, endangered ferret that must be caught, cornered, and beaten into submission if one is ever to enjoy its fruits again.

But beat it we must. Because in any long-term relationship, sex is like the glue that holds together that unsightly Ikea bookcase you've had since college. Sure, it's cheap, ugly, and it doesn't match the decor—but it's keeping everything in order. And yes, you could buy something newer and more expensive, but why bother? We're all gonna be dead soon anyway.

That is why I have devised a helpful list of activities, many of which I have personally attempted, to help you
reintroduce the ever-elusive parental grinding back into your life.

IDEAS FOR REANIMATING THE CORPSE THAT WAS ONCE YOUR SEX LIFE

T
AKE A
C
LASS
T
OGETHER

Nothing stokes the home fires like learning a new skill side by side. The husband and I recently started taking classes in the martial art of Tae Kwon Do. It's gratifying to grow with him, to share in the struggle of this unfamiliar skill, and celebrate together as we develop and evolve in our abilities. It's also gratifying to surprise him when he comes out of the shower with a roundhouse kick to his solar plexus.

Check your local community college for other potentially sexy shared educational opportunities—some ideas: Accounting 101, Spot Welding, Small Animal Veterinary Surgery, and the Art and Science of Hostage Negotiation.

B
E A
L
OVER
AND
A
F
IGHTER

It's a well-known fact that Makeup Sex is the third-best sex there is
^*
—so don't wait for a fight to happen organically; go out and pick one. Here are some helpful starter lines that have worked for me:

       
•
  
“Last night I had a dream that you cheated on me. YOU BASTARD!”

       
•
  
“The toilet paper goes over, not under. What are you, some kind of maniac?”

       
•
  
“Wow. I never noticed how far apart your eyes are.”

You might also try making rude comments about your mother-in-law, unless your spouse doesn't get along with his or her mother, in which case you could speak at length about your mother-in-law's wonderful qualities or simply wear one of her cardigans to bed.

T
HE
E
LEMENT OF
S
URPRISE

No one wants to knock boots with predictable, sensible footwear. So keep your partner guessing, not just at nighttime but throughout the day:

       
•
  
wake your spouse in the morning with a kiss and a loving blast from an air horn

       
•
  
give him/her a sultry look while stirring relish into his/her morning coffee

       
•
  
cover his/her eyes and play “Guess Who!” at unpredictable times, like when he/she's attempting to merge on the freeway, or just as he/she's about to go under for a colonoscopy exam

B
ABY
Y
OUR
S
POUSE

Many partners feel neglected with the arrival of a needy new family member in the house. Make sure your spouse knows that you love him just as much as the new baby by cooking a romantic dinner and spoon-feeding it to him (steak, wine, and chocolate makes for a very sexy combo,
especially when puréed into a blended smoothie). Other options: diaper your spouse, wear him around the house in a Baby Bjorn (size XXXL), or Ferberize him.

R
OLE
-P
LAY AND
F
ANTASY

Fantasy is a wonderful tool for injecting a little fun into your relationship—feel free to incorporate elements from real life:

       
•
  
Role-play that she's the admissions officer for the preschool you're really hoping to get into. Slip an extra hundred into your partner's palm as you shake hands and leave the meeting.

       
•
  
Pretend you're the babysitter—because when you get down to it, male or female, straight or gay, who doesn't fantasize about making love to an eastern European grandma type who smells of mothballs and stewed chicken liver?

T
HE
W
AY TO
H
IS
H
EART
I
S
T
HROUGH
H
IS
S
TOMACH VIA
H
IS
G
ROIN

Enjoy Breakfast-and-a-Whole-Lot-More-in-Bed before the children awaken. Take into account that you'll need time to prepare breakfast (45 mins), eat it (2.5 mins), actual hanky-panky time (20 secs–160 mins: your mileage may vary), postpanky shower and cleanup (75 mins). For best results, set alarm clock for 2:45 A.M.

Although it's very easy for parents to watch their sexual lives turn into a vast wasteland of complacency, boredom, and, in extreme cases, hymen regrowth, I hope I've convinced you that it doesn't have to be that way. All it takes is the motivation, a little imagination, and some judicious time management (as well as a collection of wigs, a high-speed blender, and a medium-size investment at your local mom-and-pop sex shop).