How Not to Shop (8 page)

'Hello!' Annie greeted them.

'How was it?' Owen was desperate to know.

Annie wrapped him in as much of a hug as he would allow, then ushered them into the kitchen where she could tell them and Ed all about it.

'So what is this exactly?' Ed asked as Owen and Milo came into the room carrying a long sheet of paper.

The meal was over, homework and music practice had been done, Lana had retreated to her bedroom for more swotting, and Annie and Ed were still at the table, debating whether or not to pour another glass of wine.

'I'm on TV now,' Annie had warned Ed, 'I can't be chubby. According to Connor, I'll have to get a personal trainer and a nutritionist . . .'

'Not on your salary, honey,' Ed had reminded her.

'Are you sure you're OK about the money?' she'd had to ask.

'Yes,' Ed had agreed and topped up her glass, 'To you,' he'd added, raising his glass: 'To you and your fantastic new career. And I mean it.'

'Me and Milo have drawn up a list for you,' Owen began. He stretched himself up to his full height, which was tall for 12. He was so skinny, his head looked too big and he loomed forward slightly like an overgrown sunflower bending on its stem. Milo was much the same, his shaggy mop of dirty blond hair maybe making him look even more fragile.

'Are you sure you two don't want something else to eat?' Annie asked, instinctively. 'A yoghurt? Some bread? There's plenty more crumble left.'

'No, no, we're fine,' Owen insisted and brought his paper higher up so he could read it aloud.

Some time in the last year, Owen, who'd been one of the shyest children ever, had discovered that he liked performing to an audience, even without his violin in his hand.

'OK,' he began, 'here are the suggestions compiled by Owen and Milo.'

'Suggestions for what?' Annie asked, as Owen gave a theatrical pause.

'Shhh!' Ed told her off, 'I think this is to do with the eco-committee.'

'Oh.'

'OK. The two most important things are to turn down the heating and to use the car less. Especially as it's such a big, gas-guzzling car, Mum,' Owen said, and gave Annie a pointed look.

'Sorry,' Annie felt she had to reply.

'Then we've made up a list of smaller, but nonetheless important actions,' Owen went on. 'Always turn everything off properly, don't leave it on stand-by. Fit low-energy light bulbs everywhere. Recycle much more. Give old things to charity. Then everything else relates to Mum.'

'Does it?' Annie asked in surprise.

'Yes, we've identified you as the number one household polluter,' Owen told her solemnly.

'Me?' Annie sat up in her chair, while Ed gave a chuckle at her expense.

'Yup,' Milo came in on Owen's side, 'there's a list of things just for you.'

'Mum to spend much less time in the power shower,' Owen read out, 'Mum not to go by taxi so much, Mum to use her mobile less, Mum not to buy so many new things, Mum not to drink so much water out of plastic bottles. Mum to give more things away to charity—'

'All right!' Annie broke in, 'I think that's about enough lecturing for one night, isn't it? Why don't I make up for my terrible, terrible crimes by buying some raffle tickets from you?'

'Excellent!' Owen had to agree.

'Too tired for fun then?' Ed asked quietly, letting his finger trace gently down Annie's side as they lay together in bed.

She pulled his arm until it was warm and tight around her, then moved her back so it was snugly fitted against his fuzzy chest.

'Too tired,' she confirmed.

'Alas,' he said with a sigh.

'A lass?' she teased, 'which lass? Is this something I should know about?'

'Don't be silly,' he said into the hairs on the back of her neck, 'you're the only lass for me.'

This caused a shiver to travel down her spine which made her wonder for a moment if she really was too tired. She wriggled her buttocks against his warm, naked body and felt him stir slightly against her. But then came the question which made her change her mind completely.

'I know you're very busy and this is a big new thing you're taking on . . .' Ed began gingerly, 'but have you at least given just a little thought to my question from the other night?'

There was silence. A big, deafening silence between them. The last thing Annie wanted to do right now was have this conversation.

'It's OK,' Ed was the first to speak. 'It's OK. You don't have to give me any sort of answer now. I don't even know if I want an answer now, I just want to know that you're thinking about it.'

'Ed . . .' Annie began. She turned over so that she was facing him but still in his arms.

His eyes were on hers. Light blue eyes searching her face very seriously. She pulled him close, so that her mouth was against his soft, pale shoulder and she didn't have to feel the eyes on her face. Then, in a quiet voice, she told him: 'You know how I feel about this. I haven't changed my mind and I really, really don't think I'm ever going to change my mind. I've got a fantastic girl and a brilliant boy, and we are so lucky to have you. That's my family, Ed.'

Taking a deep breath, knowing how much disappointment she risked causing him, she added, 'I don't want to have another baby.'

Svetlana on the small screen:

White and blue plunging day dress (Issa)
Purple leather and python bag (Francesco Biasia)
Blue suede heeled sandals (Jimmy Choo)
Two-carat sapphire ring (third husband)
Total est. cost: £86,400

'Bin bag!'

'Cath? Cath, vhat is dis?!' Svetlana, looking too impossibly sexy and glamorous for this neat beige bedroom in one of the pleasantly green corners of south-west London, had opened a cupboard drawer.

She was not at all happy with what she had found in there.

With a flick of her manicured fingers, Svetlana hoisted out a large, saggy pair of beige underpants. Next a worn-out bra, its straps curled up into spirals, dangled helplessly from Svetlana's long, pink fingernail.

The 52-year-old woman who owned the shapeless underwear did not look happy either. She crossed her arms over the also saggy and also beige polo neck she'd decided to wear for her first appointment with the Wonder Women and replied matter-of-factly, 'That's my underwear.' She didn't seem unduly embarrassed about the state of her smalls.

'Cath, you have been alone for too long and if you vear undervear like this, you stay single for ever. Bin bag!' Svetlana commanded and flicked the offending items straight into the rubbish. After a brief inspection, the rest of the contents of the drawer followed.

'Wait!' Cath protested, an astonished look on her face, 'those are all very comfortable . . . I only bought the bras a few months ago!' She jumped forward, got hold of the bin bag and for a moment there was a mini tussle between the two women. Bob gripped his camera tightly, knowing that if he missed one second of this he would be in trouble.

'No,' Svetlana insisted, pulling the bin bag back. 'Hideous, ugly underwear! You are a good-looking voman under all this comfortable beige. Ve buy you all new!'

Which was all very well for Svetlana to promise, Annie couldn't help thinking; she wasn't the one who was going to have to make a budget of £250 stretch to buy an entirely new wardrobe.

Annie's eyes travelled to Cath's face. The ever so slightly stern features were deeply troubled. In fact, the troubled look had barely left Cath's face since the entire
Wonder Women
TV crew descended on her flat at 8.45 this morning. In truly insincere TV fashion, everyone had kissed and hugged and gushed over Cath, and had then proceeded to tear her life apart.

Miss Marlise had already done her piece to camera from both inside and outside Cath's home. Cath had listened to the commentary with her cheeks burning and then with her mouth open in horror. Miss Marlise had not thought for one moment to spare the feelings of this rather plain looking, middle-aged accountant.

'Cath lives here in this boring, beige flat all on her own,' Marlise had begun. 'Now that her son has left home, she's busy, busy, busy with her job and her gardening club and her friends, but to be honest, she's got a bit boring and a bit beige herself.

'Cath got divorced five years ago and since then, there hasn't been any fun in her life . . .'

'There wasn't a lot of fun before, believe me,' Cath had said under her breath, and Annie had caught the comment.

Miss Marlise had rattled on, 'No new dresses and no new men. Cath's social life consists of gardening club meetings and going out with her
married
friends once a fortnight. You aren't going to meet a new Mr Right like that, are you, Cath?'

Then leaning chummily into the camera, Miss Marlise had made wide, enthusiastic eyes and gushed: 'But oh, so luckily for you, the Wonder Women are here to sort you out!'

'Woohoo!' had been Finn's inevitable response to Marlise's intro. But Annie had seen Cath wipe at the corner of her eye and had instinctively put an arm round her.

'I'm sure they'll cut that right down,' she had told her quietly, as they walked into the flat together. 'What made you decide to be on the show, Cath?'

'My friends all got together and decided to enter me. I didn't know anything about it until I got a phone call.'

'But you must have quite liked the idea of a makeover?' Annie had asked.

'Erm, yes . . . a new hairstyle, a new outfit. Yes,' Cath had admitted hesitantly, 'but I didn't know it was going to involve delving into my underwear drawer and a blind date.'

'Not a date! Just a party where you'll be introduced to lots of people and we'll be right beside you holding your hand. Honestly,' Annie had tried to assure her, 'some really good things are going to come out of this, I promise.' Annie was still convinced that this was true.

But now, in the bedroom, watching Svetlana at work, Annie wasn't quite so sure.

'OK, I get out my list.' Svetlana reached onto the bed for her luxurious leather and python handbag. The bag, like Svetlana, looked totally out of place in this room, as if they'd been beamed here by mistake direct from an outrageously expensive lunch in Knightsbridge.

The camera was rolling and Svetlana was clearly relishing every moment. Without even thinking about it, her crossed legs and devastating cleavage were pointing camerawards at the most flattering angle. Propped up on her elbow, she lay across the bed, flipping through a notebook. She began to ask Cath questions while she took notes with a little silver pen.

'No boyfriends since your divorce?'

Cath confirmed this with a shake of her head. Annie could see on the monitor that the camera was zooming in close on her worried face.

'Where could you go to meet some interesting men?' Svetlana wondered.

Cath shrugged her shoulders helplessly, then ventured, 'Through work? I mean, not that there's anyone at work that I'm interested in . . . I mean they're all lovely, charming . . . but really, I'm happy on my own.'

The roll of Svetlana's eyes made it clear that this wasn't a good enough answer.

'Vot are your interests? Vot hobbies?' she asked.

Cath looked back at Svetlana. 'I love to garden and visit other gardens . . . and I love to go out with my son.'