How to Fight Presidents: Defending Yourself Against the Badasses Who Ran This Country (10 page)

It’s difficult to tell exactly how Tyler would do in a fight. He was an excellent marksman as a hunter and formed a militia during the War of 1812, but his unit never saw any action. He wasn’t exactly scrawny, but he wasn’t built, either, and suffered from one of those diseases that a lot of people in the 1700s and 1800s had where you poop too much. You’re at a severe disadvantage if you’re coming from any place of authority, so do whatever you can to not look like The Man in your fight. Also, please win.

Beat this skinny punk for being a slave-owning traitor.

“Who the hell is Polk?”

That’s not
just
almost every average American’s response to the question “What do you think of Polk?” It was also the campaign slogan of the Whig Party, Polk’s opponents when he ran for president as a Democrat back in 1844. Polk’s introverted behavior and lack of popularity made him the first ever dark-horse candidate. He received his presidential nomination solely on the strength of Andrew Jackson’s endorsement (when Andrew Jackson tells his party to do something,
they do it
). Almost everyone at the time said he was a poor choice who had no chance of winning (the
New York Herald
said, “A more ridiculous, contemptible and forlorn candidate was never put forth by any party”), and almost everyone
since
has completely forgotten about him.

Which is a tragedy. Polk is one of the most underrated presidents ever, both in terms of his accomplishments and his position
on the spectrum of badassedry. He was just a little guy, and was prone to illness as a child, but what Polk lacked in physical strength, he made up for in obsession with not being held back by his lack of physical strength. Biographer Charles Grier Sellers said that, as a result of his “early physical inferiority,” he “drove himself ruthlessly, exploiting the abilities and energies he did possess to an extent that few men can equal.”

The most important thing you need to know about Polk is that he was a man who accomplished what he set out to do, no matter what. He is literally the only president who knew exactly what he wanted to do when he got to office, exactly how he would do it, and exactly how long it would take. When he took office, Polk made a list of four very lofty goals that he was going to accomplish before his time was up (reestablish the Independent Treasury System, taking government money
away
from the banks and placing it in a special reserve that the banks couldn’t touch; reduce tariffs; acquire some of the Oregon Country from Britain; and get California and New Mexico from Mexico), and he dedicated every second of his time to pursuing those goals. Polk’s to-do list was impressive enough for most presidents, but Polk decided to do the political equivalent of tying one hand behind his back, saying, “Oh, and by the way, I’m going to do it all
in just one term
,” and then he dramatically dropped his microphone and walked offstage (or would have, had microphones been invented yet. He probably just dropped a pen or fist-bumped his vice president or something instead).

Despite this ambitious plan, a combination of Polk’s passion and intensity helped him pull it off. He accomplished all of his goals, including giving us Texas, Nevada, Utah, Arizona, New Mexico, Colorado, Wyoming, and Washington. He also got us California, first by trying to buy it, but when Mexico said “Uh, we’re not actually selling,” he just straight up took it from them in the Mexican-American War (a domestic war successfully taken care of in one term
and wasn’t even on his list
). Polk made America bigger (which, as any scientist will tell you, means he also made it better), and he fulfilled America’s Manifest Destiny by expanding our territory to the Western shores.
And he did it in less than four years, just like he said he would. When it was time to plan for his second term, Polk looked around at his accomplishments and simply said, “Nah, I’m good. Pretty much nailed it in one,” and chose not to seek reelection. There’s not a single other president in the history of America that can boast a similar success rate.

Not only did Polk knock his presidency out of the park in one term, he did it almost entirely by himself. Dubbed the “Lone Wolf President” by at least one guy who writes books about fighting presidents, Polk had a problem trusting anyone who wasn’t his wife. Whenever he was faced with a problem, he opted to handle things himself, and that didn’t change when he rose to the highest office in the land. He once said that he preferred to “supervise the whole operations of Government myself rather than entrust the public business to subordinates and this makes my duties very great.” It was fortunate that the Democrats had both the House and the Senate during his administration, because Lord knows what would have happened if Congress tried to get in his way. Polk was simply a man who embraced the policy of doing something yourself if you wanted it done right. He had Congress to back him up, and, hey, it worked for him, and that’s why today America is America “from sea to shining sea” and not America “from sea to wherever Mexico or Great Britain says ‘stop.’ ”

He died three months after leaving office of “chronic diarrhea” and, let’s face it, of “utter humiliation at dying from chronic diarrhea.” He was fifty-three years old. It was a tragic end to an incredible presidency but also proof that Polk knew what he was doing when he chose not to try for a second term. He was put on this Earth to spread America to the West Coast and, having finished the work assigned to him, he knew it was time to go. He didn’t just leave the White House after his work was done; he left
life
. The man knew how to quit when he was ahead.

Described even by his enemies as “the hardest-working man in Washington” (making him our James Browniest president), Polk’s determination and passion drove everything in his life. Still, while Polk
can drive as ruthlessly as he wants, that doesn’t change the fact that at the end of the day he’s a small, sickly fellow without a tremendous amount of fighting experience. He had Andrew Jackson for a terrifying mentor, which is intimidating, but unlike Jackson, he actually
refused
to take part in duels when the challenge was thrown down, and never issued challenges even when his honor was insulted. There’s more than a good chance that you’ve got Polk beat in terms of both size and experience, because he was so obsessed with politics that he never really got good at anything else, including fighting. He was terrible in social situations, he didn’t have any friends, and he never bothered to have any children, because he didn’t want anything to stall him on the road to political greatness.

If you’re fighting Polk, then, your best-case scenario would be one in which your fight has nothing to do with politics whatsoever, because if that’s the situation, then his heart just won’t be in it. It won’t exactly be a walk in the park, because Polk could seriously take
punishment; at seventeen he underwent surgery to remove urinary stones, and this is the 1800s we’re talking about, where “surgery” means “a doctor cuts you open and you’re awake the whole time and your only anesthetic is brandy and
holy shit
modern seventeen-year-olds have it easy, comparatively.” He can’t throw a punch, but he sure can take one, so make sure you throw a whole lot.

Still, he was a great president and doesn’t really get the credit he deserves, so when you’re face-to-face with him in a fight to the death, maybe let him win? Just to be nice? Come on.