How to Get a (Love) Life (15 page)

‘Ladies, what, um … what is going on?’ James laughed a little nervously.

‘James, I’ll be in your office,’ Thalia said, staring at us with narrowed eyes. She closed the door to James’ office behind her. I looked up at James. He looked concerned, eyes wide, hand loosening his tie. I suppose he was right to be worried, we all had the air of ‘Mad Extremist Cult’ about us. It didn’t help that Caroline had attempted to draw a complicated henna tattoo on the back of her hand in thick blue biro and Clara’s outfit looked like Joseph and his Technicolor Dreamcoat had thrown up on her.

No one spoke. I couldn’t think of any kind of reason as to why we’d all been sitting in the half-light, curtains closed, a strange woman with ball telling me I was about to meet a tall, dark stranger. Caroline, it seemed, had also lost the ability to speak, or indeed function at all, besides opening and closing her mouth like a goldfish. Clara stepped in.

‘You have a very impressive quality,’ she announced, moving towards James, one arm extended. ‘You are a successful and determined man,’ she added.

James’ mouth turned up, his eyes creased. This was brilliant stuff. Clara’s a frigging genius. Why hadn’t I thought of that? It was just good old-fashioned sucking up.

‘You also have terrible taste and are veering away from the course that is right for you.’

I cringed as James’ face fell.
Back up, lady, back up, back up
.

‘And someone with a name beginning with T spells T for trouble.’ She looked like she was enjoying herself. Caroline gazed at her in unabashed awe.

Oh God. Thalia. I glanced at the door to his office. Clara, shhh. She wasn’t finished though, oh no, she was clearly getting into the swing of things as she turned a shaky finger on James and said, ‘And don’t think you will be able to avoid a difficult situation by ignoring it.’

Oh God, it was getting worse. I looked frantically at Caroline for help but Caroline was still staring at Clara with a look that bordered on the religious. Oh, who was I kidding? Bordering on? If Clara started recruiting disciples, Caroline would be the first to don a toga, learn a chant and follow her round with a candle.

Clara had apparently finished her brief synopsis of the various people and situations that were going to bring disaster raining down on my boss’s head. There was a strange silence.

‘Well!’ I clapped my hands. ‘Very authentic, particularly that improvisation at the end. Thank you for popping down to see us. We will let you know,’ I said.

Caroline eyed me, brow furrowed, and then, catching on, started nodding her head in agreement. ‘Oh, yes. Well thank you, Clara. You’ve been excellent and we’ll let you know.’ She geared up to bundle her out of the office.

James, shaking his head in disbelief, made to move towards his office. I ran over to open his door. He looked at me in a very peculiar way, before walking through.

Within minutes, Caroline and I had managed to hustle Clara, and her ball, back out into the street and not a moment too soon as James’ door burst open and Thalia stalked out, giving both Caroline and me a barely concealed sneer as she marched past our desks. As she descended the stairs I let out a breath and, putting my head in my hands, sank into my chair.

‘Oh God,’ I whimpered.

‘I’ll explain to James,’ Caroline said, edging towards his office.

Somehow this just made me feel worse and I stopped her. ‘No, no. I’ll go, I’ll think of something,’ I said, smiling weakly at her.

‘Are you sure? It
was
my idea …’

‘It’s fine. I’ll explain it to him.’

Caroline smiled gratefully. ‘Thanks, Nic.’

I got up from my chair. Right, okay, fine. James wouldn’t be that cross, would he? I mean, we were wasting valuable office time doing something that, to his eyes, might have resembled a séance, but I couldn’t be fired over that. I mean, he might yell, but he’d been very pleased with my contract finding earlier. He was a nice man and a good boss.
Save it, Nicola
, I warned myself; don’t waste the good compliments in your head. Right. Breathe out, good. I was ready.

‘Okay, so it must have looked a little strange, that, er, episode,’ I said, bursting into his office before I lost my nerve. ‘But, you see, she was, she was …’ James just stood there, face full of expectation. ‘She was someone we were thinking about taking on to our books,’ I finished triumphantly. ‘Yes, yes, you see, we’re trying to look for some middle-aged women for some um … jobs going on this ITV drama. And they are, um, they’re seeking women of, um … Well, anyway, it doesn’t matter. She was a little strange, wasn’t she?’ I rattled on before he could answer. ‘So, basically, it’s a No for the er … the ITV people. I mean, her range is quite limited. How many times are they going to need to cast a mystical middle-aged woman? We just don’t get auditions like that, really. We need people who are more mainstream …’ I trailed off as I realised James was looking at me sceptically.

‘Hold on. That woman was an
actress
,’ he said with a frown.

‘Yes, yes. Just someone who sent in her CV to see if we are interested. Caroline invited her in for a meeting and, um … we went along with her for a bit and then, well, you showed up,’ I explained.

Know when to stop, Nicola. Know when to stop.

‘An actress,’ he repeated, still sounding bemused.

‘Yup, so we’ll keep looking for that casting then,’ I said in a very gung-ho voice.

‘Why did Caroline pay her?’ James asked.

‘Hmm …’ I mumbled. ‘Oh that, Caroline is … Caroline is … Caroline is …’

I gave up.

James started laughing at me. Roaring, in fact.

‘Honestly, Nicola. I thought I’d walked into a coven. Any moment I was expecting her to cast some spell on my goolies and disappear in a puff of green smoke. I assume you have your reasons for inviting in that er … guest and I wouldn’t want to delve further into the deep, dark secrets of this office. It is very illuminating to know what goes on when I leave for one afternoon.’

‘I’m so sorry. We really didn’t …’ I went to protest but James put his hand up to hush me and I fell silent.

‘It cheered me up,’ he said, then started chuckling again. ‘Don’t worry about it Nicola. Honestly, it’s fine. You should get out of here anyway, it’s holiday season after all. No one should work this hard around Christmas.’ He called through to the next office, ‘You too, Caroline. I know you can hear me.’

‘The cheek!’ a voice said.

I skulked out, wondering how I was going to look James in the eye tomorrow. What MUST he have thought?

‘Oh, Nicola,’ he said innocently, making me turn around in the doorway. ‘I trust that you got the answers you desired.’ He said the last bit in a spooky voice while moving his hands up and down in a spell-casting kind of way.

I felt my whole face burning, ‘Yes, thank you,’ I squeaked and scuttled back to clear up my desk and go home.

Chapter Eighteen

Single girl seeks man by normal means. No love potions, no spell casting, no black cats or crystal balls.

Contact: Box No. 06660

After the day I’d had, I just wanted to get home, stick the kettle on and start getting ready for Christmas. The last thing I wanted to do was find out what ridiculous surprise my brother wanted to show me. A new biking jacket? A DVD on the nocturnal habits of the Peruvian Short-Haired bat? Jumping in a cab, I reasoned that I could be there and back on my sofa within an hour.

‘Why have you dragged me here, Mark, at the end of a long day. Some of us have real jobs in which we have to work and get tired.
And
I need to wrap presents.’ I piled into his house and recoiled at the sight that greeted me.

Mark lived in a shared house just off Gloucester Road, on a street so cool the graffiti had been photographed for a council art project. The house itself had seen better days (last decorated circa 1970) and Mark’s living room was a cross between David Attenborough’s workspace and Hell. Photographs of exotic species of mammals lined the walls, a big poster of an enormous-eyed, winged creature stared back over his sofa, and the round table was littered with discarded beer cans and Opal Fruit wrappers (or ‘breakfast’ as Mark called it).

‘And, by the by, do you know you are disgusting?’ I said, still standing, due to a lack of clean sitting areas.

Mark flapped his hand and put down the black marker pen he was holding.

‘I needed you here because I have a cunning and brilliant plan and wanted you to witness it,’ he explained, marching over to a cupboard and pulling out a large flipchart from inside.

‘What IS that?’ I asked, curiosity piqued.

‘This,’ Mark huffed as he propped it up in the middle of the room, ‘is “The Carol Plan”.’

I groaned as he went on. ‘Oh, Mark, no. Let her go,’ I said.

‘No, sis, impossible. You see, all your searching for love got me thinking. I
have
to have this girl.’ He turned over the first sheet to reveal a blown-up photograph of Carol’s face, surrounded by lots of drawn-on arrows pointing at her head. It looked like a serial killer’s target. I sat down on the arm of his sofa.

‘Er … Mark …’

‘Shh, sis. Your search got me thinking. I don’t want to continue to court these random people any more. I have always known who I should be with and I need to make this a reality. So, I have come up with this plan.’ He turned the next sheet over to reveal two stick people standing next to each other lifting something between them.

‘What are they doing?’ I asked, squinting at the picture.

‘Holding up a poster as they are hosting the planetarium’s children’s event in the new year, of course.’

‘Of course,’ I nodded.

‘That good-looking cad is me,’ Mark pointed to one of the stick people, who had four strands of hair. ‘And this gorgeous beast,’ he paused to circle the other one, ‘is Carol. Obviously.’

‘
Obviously
.’

‘So, we come together to host the planetarium’s children’s Christmas event and we spend time arranging the event, making plans, maybe even meet up in the evening to discuss things over a pint.’

He stressed the word
evening
, extending the ‘eve’ into a long noise so it sounded super sinister. ‘And we gradually become closer.’ He turned the next sheet to reveal two stick people embracing each other.

‘Riiighhhhhttt.’

‘Then, after hosting the planetarium’s children’s event over the Christmas holidays we are closer than ever.’

He flipped over the last sheet to reveal two stickmen lying on the floor together, one on top of the other and one …

I moved closer to the picture, eyes narrowed.

‘Mark, what is that …? Eugh, Mark!’ I backed away.

‘That is my penis,’ Mark confirmed.

‘I need to get back to my flat,’ I said.

‘But, sis, what do you think of the plan?’

‘Very thorough.’

He seemed pleased.

‘I did think of everything,’ he nodded.

‘Quite.’

Before I left, he turned over to the very the last sheet and there were two stick people surrounded by loads and loads of little stick people. And some birds in the sky that were obviously …

‘Ah, bats,’ I said, gathering my stuff to leave. ‘You’re nuts, brother dear.’ I shook my head.

‘You just wait, Nicola Brown. Just watch and learn …’

So Mark had his plan, and I needed to get back on track with mine. As I meandered slowly through town watching people spilling out of the theatre, chatting outside the pubs, I smiled to myself. I couldn’t believe my disastrous search had motivated him. He was about to launch himself into his own project because of my attempts to get a love life. Music pumped out of a nearby bar and I watched as a young couple greeted each other outside with a kiss. The guy threw an arm around the girl’s shoulder and showed her in. As I watched, I realised that apart from Chris, who didn’t count as it was for work, I had no further dates planned. The thought made my stomach sink slightly and I realised I didn’t really want to abandon the dare. This notion caught me off guard and I came to a halt in the street, forcing an old man behind me to swear under his breath.

‘I’m sorry,’ I murmured, moving on again.

What had I gained? I thought back over the last few weeks. They’d been fun, they’d been busy, they’d had a …
purpose
. Maybe I didn’t need to arrange blind dates to keep the dare going. There were plenty of other ways, easier ways, surely, to meet men. The safest place, it seemed, was the internet. At least I could screen the people who lurked there. I couldn’t let the dare take on its own life and drag me on any more useless nights out with people I had nothing in common with. Maybe if I could communicate with my potential date in some capacity
before
being thrust together, it would work better when we eventually met face-to-face.

I’d been dipping in and out of the dating website Caroline had set me up on and I’d been winked and nudged and generally prodded by a host of strangers. None of them appealed. They were just that: strangers. I’d received emails from old friends, had been sent photos from my school days and it had felt good to hear from people I’d assumed had forgotten me long ago. As for the men I had heard from, Jon-who-had-sent-me-a-Christmas-card-Allen, was now known as Married-Jon-who-had-sent-me-a-Christmas-card-Allen, while Alan-who-had-asked-me-to-join-him-for-coffee-once-Pope, was now Gay-Alan-who-had-asked-me-to-join-him-for-coffee-once-Pope. I hadn’t heard from Him, Man-Who-Broke-My-Heart-Seven-Years-Ago, but recently, to my surprise, my pulse hadn’t quickened when I logged on. I didn’t feel the same curiosity about what he was up to and who his friends were – not even the girl with the impossibly shiny hair. All the hurt I’d been carrying around all these years was becoming blurrier around the edges, as new, happier thoughts jostled to be heard, and memories of the old, fun me began to nudge me into action. It was time to get the old Nicola back. It was time to get a life.

One person to emerge from my new cyber world was a guy I’d known at university, Dan Mitchell. He’d written ‘Hey’ on my wall and following that we’d swapped a few private messages, mostly inane sort of comments similar to the type you’d make at a drinks party. After seven of these messages, he had suggested we meet casually at the cinema to see a film together and I’d agreed. We’d then swapped another three messages in order to handle such complicated questions as what film? and which cinema? before it had been settled.