How to Lose Your Virginity ...And How Not To (6 page)

So I'm in there, I'm getting it, I'm going, I'm going, I'm going. I quit for a minute and calm down. Got back up in there, kind of a little harder this time. It got wet again so I'm in, going and going... boom, she's really screaming so I kind of put my hand over her mouth a little bit and she's like, "No, no, no." And I'm like, "No, no, no what? Should I stop?" She wants me to keep going and I'm like, "But I got parents upstairs." So she grabbed a pillow and kind of covered her face with it and said, "Just do it. Just go." So I'm riding and riding and going and going and she's getting worked up and she's sweating and I'm drenched with sweat. I'm working so hard and I'm going and thirty minutes later, you know she's, "Ohhhhh!" And I'm like, "Whoa." And she says, "I'm feeling something I’ve never felt before." And I felt her body shake real hard and she was clenching me like I must be hurting her or something. ‘Cause we were kids, we don't know anything about orgasm, climax. But we both released, it felt good. She screamed from underneath the pillow. She enjoyed herself, I enjoyed myself. I busted a nut. She busted her nut and climaxed. We're 13 years old, so our minds are blown.
Anyway we kissed and this was about 7 o'clock in the evening, streetlights go on, time for friends to go home. Time to get off the streets and get in the house, so I see her off to her place. My brothers were like, "Naw you already lost your virginity." But it was different when we both busted a nut together. That’s when I look at it as like, "OK. Good, I lost my virginity. She lost hers too."

***

He had great hands. The best thing is when guys know how to use their hands, and when they know how to use their mouths, it’s amazing. Not so much where they use their mouth, it’s how they kiss. It's not all tongue or all lip. It’s like a combination of both and it like, turns you on even more. He was really sweet about it.
Becky, 23
Tarzana, California

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Chapter 4
"IT'S NOT THAT BAD. IF IT WAS, EVERYONE WOULDN'T BE DOING IT."

This chapter title is taken from a quote in the movie, Little Darlings (1980), which is alluded to in a story in this chapter
I was struck by the number of people who told me that the first time doesn't matter. That it was something you got through and you just moved on. Is this an attitude people are born with? Is it acquired from their environment? Or is it a viewpoint that develops in hindsight as a response to their own disappointing loss of virginity experience?
A recent study by Dana Haynie and Stacy Armour from Ohio State that appears in the March 2008 issue of the Journal of Youth and Adolescence shows that the average age teenagers in the United States lose their virginity is 16, below the age of consent for most states. Most parents, I’m certain, would agree that men and women begin having sex much younger than they should. And perhaps this blasé, "it’s no big deal", stance that people hold is a result of beginning too young, not looking before you leap, doing it before you are ready - type of experiences.
And there’s nothing inherently wrong with seeing virginity as something to get over with. You have to have that initial time to get the subsequent times which usually get increasingly enjoyable and fulfilling as time goes on. But if one could choose, who wouldn’t rather have a fond memory? The following people, on the other hand, got it over with and moved on.

A VERY SPECIAL EPISODE OF "WILL & GRACE"
Heather, 34
I was in college and I had been holding out for so long so that’s why I had to do it with a gay guy. It’s not like I set out to have sex with a gay guy, but I was in the theatre department and gay guys were all over the place. I was just so sick of being a virgin. I was 19 and everyone else was laid by then so it was time to get it done.
Me and the gay guy were good friends and I don’t know how far he had gone with other guys but we were both hetero-virgins. I didn’t want to deal with the high expectations of losing it to a boyfriend and having it suck. It’s the first time so it’s going to be awkward anyway and it’s not going to be good no matter who you’re with.
He was a virgin, I was a virgin. It was the middle of the day and we were in my dorm room so we were like, "Hey, let’s do it." It was more hilarious than anything else. We were laughing our asses off, especially because he was gay. But there was no equipment problem so maybe he was bi.
A year later we ended up living together. I was on him a bit, I wanted to do it again but he was like, "No." By then he was full-fledged gay. Maybe his experimental days were over, or maybe our relationship was weird by the time we lived together. Who knows? I’ve yet to meet anyone else who’s had that experience. In fact I just told someone about it the other day and she was like, "Why didn’t you do it with your high school boyfriend?" I didn’t really have a high school boyfriend.
DON’T BE SUCH A PUSSY
Lucia, 22
I’m from Mill’s Landing, North Carolina. My boyfriend drove me home from school and my mother was at work so he kept pressuring me and pressuring me to do it. I didn’t want to but, whatever. We did it in my mom’s bed because she was away and because there wasn’t enough room in my twin bed.
I was disappointed with it and after we were done he cried because he felt bad for making me do something I didn’t want to do. I told him to get the hell out and come back when he could be a man. Sure I didn’t want to have sex, but I wasn’t going to cry about it.

***

He wanted to tittie-fuck, which I had no idea what that was but after he explained it I thought it was the dumbest thing ever. But we did it and it was not enjoyable and the whole time it was happening I was thinking, "This sucks, but I can’t wait to talk about it." So I just told him, "Why don’t you just put it inside of me?"
Taren, 23
New York, NY

***

SHE WASN’T A BASKETBALL FAN, BUT SHE WAS A FAN OF ME
Lance, 31
The Knicks were playing The Heat in the 1997 playoffs. It’s a best of seven game series, the first team to win four games advances. The Knicks won three of the first four games, they’re up 3-1. You’d think they got it made. I’m a big Knicks fan. Big, big Knicks fan. I’ve had season tickets the last ten years. It’s all but clinched, then at the end of game five there was a big fight and half of the Knicks team gets suspended for the rest of the series.
The night I lost my virginity was the night the Knicks lost game seven of that series and wasted their chances at a championship. Tim Hardaway was killing us, bombing three-pointers from all over the floor. It was difficult to watch.
I was watching the game over at my girl’s house. And it had been leading up to sex for quite some time and it was obvious by halftime that the game was over, they were getting beat so bad. I was crushed just watching these threes get drained. I don’t think she could tell I was kind of catching the game during the sex, but she was on cloud nine.
LAKE SUCCESS
Jenna, 31
I was three days shy of 16. Didn’t have my license yet but I was already driving around the red Subaru my sister and I were supposed to share. I was totally in love with Roy McIntyre. He was the one and only mysterious, artsy guy in our whole entire little rural town. His mom was an alcoholic so this other family that grew their own pot and like, cured their own cancer with holistic medicine felt bad for him and took him in. They let him live in the tree house in their backyard. I picked him up from his tree house and drove up to Lake Success.
We did it and I bled on the front seat. That was the most memorable moment since it wasn’t that pleasurable. Although I was totally into it because I thought I was in love. And he was all into it because I was a virgin.

***

Sex is amazing but you should save it for somebody you love or care about the first time, the last time, whatever time you do it cause it's going to be with you forever.
Katie, 27
Denver, Colorado

***

TRASH + TRASHETTE 4 EVER
Darcy, 28
It was my sophomore year and I had just turned 21. I was hanging out in Brenham, Texas, near College Station where I went to school. Brenham was in the middle of nowhere, pretty much the only thing there is to do is drink beer in a field and I was at this house party with a bunch of bull riders - pro bull riders but on the low-level circuit.
There were these twin, black bull riders named Tom and Tim. A friend of theirs was a local volunteer fire department guy nicknamed Trash. I later found out his real name was Ernie. It’s so bad, I don’t even remember his last name. Trash started talking to me and I thought, "Wow, he’s really cute." This was already after a lot of beer; any more and he probably would have looked like Brad Pitt.
I had previously vowed to save myself for marriage, but at that point I was like, "You know what? Fuck it. I’m in college. He’s hot. I’m getting hot. Why not?" He led me to this shanty back behind the house that had a mattress in it and a single, swinging flashbulb that cast creepy shadows. He found a sheet, dusted it off, and placed it over the mattress.
He thinks he’s all Rico Suave and he starts giving me all these lines, "Yeah, baby. You’re so beautiful." We end up doing it and it was painful. He thought I was enjoying it because I was screaming but I was actually screaming in pain. So the more I screamed, "Oh, God," he kept going harder and faster. Seeing him was kind of a shock ‘cause from pictures and things you think it’s supposed to look a certain way, but he was misshapen. It was curved to the right although I’m sure the funky shadows from the single light bulb didn’t help how it looked.
Afterwards everyone outside the shanty was laughing their asses off. To this day all my friends from college call me Trashette. I never saw the guy again.
I was very drunk and it opened up Pandora’s Box of me having sex more frequently. Once you have it, you want it more. Losing your virginity is like a gateway drug to more sex.

***

I thought I was special and then at a party a coworker was like, "Oh, I slept with him." I was like, "Really?" Then this other girl was like, "Yeah, me too." Later I found out that he had sex with almost every girl in that office.
Rhonda, 26

New York, NY

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POPSICLES AND COTTON CANDY
Mandy, 18
I grew up pretty tight with my cousins and I was always the youngest. They all follow the Insane Clown Posse and I went with them every weekend to Juggalo barbecues. A Juggalo barbecue is just smoking, drinking, grubbing with a bunch of other ICP fans. Everyone paints their face and braids their hair and bumps music from their cars. Just white trash kids hanging out, something to do on a Sunday.
There was this boy there about my age. Everyone was like, "You should hook up with this kid, Garrett. He’s really cool." It was not like they forced it to happen but everyone pretty much expected one day we would. And one day we did. We had our faces painted like Violent J and Shaggy 2 Dope, which was pretty cool. We were drunk, had sex in the woods, and I never talked to him again.
I stopped hanging out with my cousins after that. I stopped drinking and stuff, got away from those kind of people.

***

I wasn’t waiting for some magical moment. I mean, you’re putting something in your crotch and making it bleed. There’s no magic there.
Amy, 22
Brooklyn, OH

***

TAKE HOME SEX ED. TEST
Molly, 25
It was my freshman year of high school. My boyfriend, Patrick and I had phys. ed. together and so when exams came, since there wasn’t a P.E. exam we all got three hours off in the middle of the day. We decided that since we didn’t have anything to do that we would catch a ride with some seniors to his house.
This had all been planned out. I was 14, I didn’t have anything sexy so I stole some black underwear and a matching pretty bra from my mom’s underwear drawer. Patrick was always badgering me about it and I "loved him" so I was going to do it. And once the wheels were in motion, once we were on our way in the back of the seniors’ truck, and once we were in his room on the top bunk next to the ceiling it’s not like you can say, "Oh, never mind. I’m uncomfortable." I almost said no, but once your pants come off you can’t just back out of it. I mean the poor guy had been trying for six months. He makes this whole elaborate plan, and he didn’t have a house key because he was only 15 years old so he had a secret key made to get us in – all so the parents couldn’t find out. You’re at his house, you’re in his bunk bed… you gotta do it.
Afterwards we walked to the mall, met back up with the seniors, caught a ride back to the school and made the bus ride home. His whole plan worked without a hitch. It wasn’t fun but I’m glad I got it over with. We were a 14 and 15-year-old in love, but how in love really are you? You’re just so dumb at 14.
And it hurt to walk back to the mall.
DO ALL LESBIANS GO THROUGH THIS?
Kara, 27
The first girl I ever dated or slept with was a girl I met my freshman year of college. I went to my first year of college in Southeastern Kentucky and I met her through some mutual friends. We had an algebra class together. Because I went to church, I was like the "good girl." I never really had huge crushes on girls but just some slight curiosity. I dated guys but it was a take it or leave it kind of a thing. And I grew up in the bible belt, Southeastern Kentucky, where there were all of maybe five gay people in the area and everybody knew who they were. I actually ended up hanging out with the gay people even before I came out and it got around to my church director, everybody knew everybody’s business down there, and he was like, "If you believe homosexuality is OK then you don’t belong here." Anyway she was in my algebra class in college. We never talked except, "Hey do you have a pencil?" or asking the answer to a question or something like that. But I was introduced to her through the theater group I was in and one of her friends was in theater and we finally met at a party and she totally stalked me at the party. I was freaking out about it because my first thought was that I didn’t want my mom to find out I was a lesbian. But she was pretty persistent. She was incredibly forward. But not pushy, not like disgusting. A lot of gay people get a bad rap that they’re horribly pushy and they want to convert everybody, but it wasn’t like that. She was answering questions for me that I didn’t know I was asking.
It was a very educational experience. Not just physically but sort of sexuality-wise. It was new to me, and yet I knew it was everything I wanted to pursue. So I actually lost my girl virginity to her in her parents’ bed. I think we went out to the movies or something like that, hanging out. But we had to hang out in another town over because if anybody had seen us and knew us then it would get around and I wasn’t ready for that.
We went back to her parents’ house and… it was one of the most awkward, eye-opening experiences of probably my entire life. I’m a bit of a tease anyway so I’d been teasing her about getting physical but would never let her do anything to me because even though I wanted her to do things to me, I didn’t want to let her because then it would mean I’m gay. It took me awhile until I was ready to make that leap
It had been a couple months, at least. Probably three, four months since we met at the party. And I mean, we hung out a lot too and she actually ended up tutoring me in algebra because I sucked. She kind of took that whole teacher aspect with me, somebody who was older and more experienced. She was a lesbian in high school. She was one of the "known" lesbians in town. She was a dyke straight from the womb.
Basically it was from then on that I knew that, you know, I didn’t want to be with guys anymore. It was so much better than my first time with a guy, and I’m sure that every lesbian says that… but it really was. I don’t even know how to explain it. It probably wasn’t even that good of sex. It’s not as good as the sex I’m having now but we all learn.
She was very kind and understanding, which helped since I was so shy and afraid. And she didn’t ask anything of me. You know, she was just like, "Relax, lay back, let me do this to you. Let me make you feel good," and she did and obviously I’m glad I did it because I live that lifestyle now.
TO WANK OR TO SHAG? THAT IS THE QUESTION
George, 34
I met her in high school, grade 11, during a play we were doing, The Miracle Worker, the touching story of Helen Keller. I had a minor part: I was the younger brother. I had a crush on this girl playing Annie Sullivan, the miracle worker herself.
She was a terrible actress; it was a terrible production really. But Madge and I went out for… I don't know, it seemed like forever and an eternity. But as you know, in grade 11 every day lasted an eternity. We broke up several times over various ridiculous 16-year-old problems we had at the time. We hadn't slept together although we’d done everything else up to that point.
We went through our last major bust-up and although we weren’t dating we were still in contact and we decided we both wanted to lose our virginity with each other. The night we agreed upon she was somebody else's prom date from another high school. I've often wondered about him, you know it's prom night and I’m sure he was fully expecting to get it on. But she went to the prom with the guy and after the dance she changed out of her dress and snuck in through my bedroom window.
If I remember correctly (and there's no reason to assume that I do), I asked her to wear my favorite sweater of hers and she did, in fact, climb in through my window wearing that very sweater. We knew this was what we were going to do and we had to be quiet because my parents were around, asleep, but even so we had to be quiet.
There was the pageantry and drama of me putting on a condom for the first time. And of course the important thing for me was what music was playing. I had spent quite a bit of time ruminating about what tape I wanted in my tape player and I decided it would be best to lose my virginity to The Beatles’ Abbey Road. We started with side one and I actually interrupted the action at one point to flip the tape over so actual penetration occurred somewhere on side two.
Compared to the acts we'd done before, the sex itself was a bit disappointing. I only realized many years later that sex could be a lot better other than the very standard sort of missionary deal, which was all we tried. I guess ‘cause we talked about it so much or we had done so much before it was just a regular orgasm. Then she cried a little bit and I tried to comfort her. I asked, "What’s wrong?" She said, "Well I don't know... we had sex, I'm not a virgin anymore." And I said, "Yeah, that’s a good thing. I don't feel like crying."
Around that time I was reading a book, sort of a biography about John Lennon by his childhood best friend. When John Lennon lost his virginity before the best friend did, he met the best friend the next day and Lennon told him, "Yeah got my first fuck," and the friend says, "Yeah how was it?" Lennon said, "Well, actually… I'd rather have a wank." So the next day I met up with my best friend and I was all ready to use this and I just said, "So yeah. I had my first fuck last night." He said, "Well?" I said, "Rather have a wank." He said, "Hmm. OK." Later things went right in the toilet and I think she probably regrets that her first was with me, which I regret that she regrets. But I was glad I did it and I was glad I did it with Madge because I did really like her and we had been together for awhile.
THE OTHER WOMAN
Lynette, 23
I was 15, Ben was 16. We had been friends for about six months and the whole time I knew him, he was dating this other girl. He had been dating this other girl for about two years and it never happened between them, I have no idea why.
We started messing around and one night I snuck out of my mom’s house and got a ride from a friend over to his place. I snuck into his house and it happened, first time for both of us. I was the other woman, which made me feel daring. I spent the night there and when he woke up early the next morning to do his paper route I went to go hide out in his basement until he got back but his dad caught me. So Ben made up a story about how my mom was out of town and I was supposed to stay the night at a friend’s house but her and I got into a fight so that’s why I was there. It was quick thinking on his part.
We continued seeing each other on the sly and then he went crazy and tried to kill himself at school because he found out his girlfriend was seeing another guy and he just flipped out. Like it was OK for him to see someone else, but not her. It was more of a cry for help than anything. He cut his stomach with a six-inch knife in the hallway with tons of people around. He had these three really huge cuts across his stomach and he got put in the psych ward for a week. I didn’t go to school the whole time he was in the hospital because the whole thing was just too much to handle.
I don’t regret my first. It happened. I just didn’t care, I mean… shit happens to people.
THE LESSER OF TWO EVILS
Vera, 19
It was with this guy I had been dating for just a couple months. I don’t know, I guess it’s what every girl wants or thinks they want. I was older, 19, because I was the "wait for marriage" girl. Then I realized I have a little problem with commitment and decided I didn’t want to get married and thought, "Well shit. I can’t go my whole life and not ever fuck anyone."
Me and this guy had been dating for a couple of months and he was obviously more experienced than I was so one night at like three o’clock in the morning we were in my room watching of all things a fucking Frank Lloyd Wright documentary on The Learning Channel. Not the sexiest thing to get you in the mood but boredom can get you in the mood too.
I couldn’t tell him I loved him and I guess that sex was easier. I didn’t want to say it and lie, so sex was just an easy way to sidestep the whole love issue like, "All right, well… how about this?" He was like, "I love you. I love you," and I couldn’t say that part so... let me just give you what else you want so you can forget about the love part. That’s what every girl wants, right, to be in love? But if you’re not you still at least want someone who… you know… likes you.
We went on the couch, and then on the floor, it was like, "Let’s just do it." It wasn’t a minute and a half or two-minute long story because, yeah it was good. He knew exactly what he was doing.
LIFE IMITATES ART
Joanie, 40
You have to understand the movie Little Darlings. The two girls in the movie made a bet to see who was going to lose their virginity first. The good girl makes it all up, lies and says she does it when really she doesn’t. And the naughty, fun girl does it but feels guilty and says she didn’t do it. Anyway my friend and I made a Little Darlings type of bet. This was in 1981, I was 15.
In Colorado Springs there’s a military base so there’s always a lot of army guys around. My friend and I used to hang out at the roller skating rink and one night we hooked up with these GI’s, these 19 or 20-year-old guys hanging out at the roller rink looking to pick up girls... looking to pick up my dumb ass.
I decided I was going to go for it and it was really awful. We went back to my house and we did it on my mother’s waterbed. Really, it was awful. I was freaked out about being in my mom’s bed; it hurt, and I had given no thought to the possibility of messing up the sheets, which of course we did. I was like, "Oh my god. We got to clean the sheets." He was older; you’d think he’d know about all that stuff.
I didn’t tell my best friend about it for a while, just like in the movie. She said she made it with his buddy, the other Army guy, in the backseat of the car. But she was full of shit and I later found out she was not telling the truth, also just like in the movie.