How to Rescue a Dead Princess (25 page)

“I'm on a quest to resurrect Princess Janice of Mosiman. Without her, a realm stretching for six kingdoms will suffer.”

“Oh.” The lion looked sheepish. “Listen, I'm sorry I gave you so many problems. I don't know what comes over me sometimes. I was on Thorazine, but the prescription ran out, and, well, we never got around to refilling it. You know how it is.”

“Of course.”

“Hey, J!” the lion shouted. “Some people here want to talk to you! Get your boondocks out here!”

The door swung open, revealing Jenstina the Ogre.

“Wow...” said Yvonne, as she and Randall both stared.

Jenstina looked uncomfortable. “Ummm ... may I help you?”

“Sorry,” said Randall. “I guess we didn't expect you to be quite so much of a stud muffin.”

Jenstina struck a pose that accented his manly body, and gave a smile that accented his handsome face. “I know, I know, ogres are supposed to be grotesque. Well, I always say that you should always try to look your best, which is why I use Momma Helga's Beauty Ooze.”

“It's very impressive,” said Randall.

“Go on—look me up and down. You'll be glad you did.”

Randall and Yvonne looked him over. As Randall's eyes lowered to his sandaled feet, he made an observation. “You don't have any toes.”

“Nope. Toes just get in the way.”

“I guess it goes without saying that since you don't have any toes, you probably don't have any toenails, either.”

“Nothing goes without saying if you're dumb enough.”

Randall sighed. “Sorry to have wasted your time. We'll be going as soon as the Dark One teleports us out of here.”

“Say, you two wouldn't happen to be interested in seeing my toenail collection, would you?” asked Jenstina. “It's the fourth largest-one in the land! I've got toenails from far and wide! Human toenails! Dwarf toenails! Kiriki toenails! Toenails that have been chewed on! Toenails that have grown so long that they curl around! Hang-toenails! I've got them all!”

“I'd love to see it!” exclaimed Randall.

“Well, come on in!” Jenstina stepped back into his hut, gesturing for Randall and Yvonne to follow. Toenails, thousands of them, hung from the walls, all of them clearly labeled. The dinner table was fashioned from one giant toenail, with a second toenail split into four parts functioning as the legs. The place smelled rather bad, but that had little effect upon its glory.

“This is incredible,” said Randall, overcome with emotion. “I mean, I've never seen so many toenails in one place before!”

Jenstina beamed with pride. “I plucked them myself.”

Yvonne was truly awestruck. “Amazing. Just amazing.” She put her hand on Jenstina's shoulder. “You are truly a great man.”

“Thanks,” said the ogre. “My father always said, son, you've got to have a purpose in life. His was to cross a moose and a bullfrog.”

“What did he hope to get?”

“A really ugly bullfrog.”

“So what made you start collecting toenails?”

“Well, I started with fingernails, simply because you see them more frequently on a daily basis. But something was lacking, the
spark
just wasn't there. Then one day I pulled off some guy's toenail by mistake—my morning cider had fermented a little too much, I guess—and there it was! The spark! The thunder! This was what I wanted to do with my life! And here I am, three weeks later.”

“Is this stuff insured?” Randall asked.

“You better believe it. For both theft and potential health hazards.”

“I want to remember this visit for the rest of my life. Do you give out souvenirs?”

“No.”

“Oh, come on. Surely you can part with just one of them.”

“No toenail will leave this hut.”

“Please?”

“Absolutely not.”

“Okay, look, here's the deal,” said Randall. “I need one of your toenails to give to the witch Grysh! If I don't get it, Princess Janice will stay dead forever! This is vital!”

Jenstina folded his arms. “No.”

“Please! You don't understand how important this is!”

“Yes, I do. I just don't care all that much.” The ogre thought for a moment. “I guess we'll just have to find a toenail that I haven't had time to grow attached to yet.”

“Great! Which one?”

Jenstina held up a pair of pliers. “Yours.”

Randall went pale. “I beg your pardon?”

“It's simple. You give me one of your toenails. It becomes mine. I give it back to you. You then own a toenail from Jenstina the Ogre.”

“Look, man, you've got toenails everywhere! Why can't you just give me one of them!”

“I don't want to.” Jenstina snapped the jaws of the pliers shut. “This is your only chance.”

“I've went through a lot of pain these past couple days,” said Randall. “But this ... this is just too much. I'm begging you! Don't force me to give up my toenail!”

Yvonne stepped forward. “I love Randall with all of my heart. If I have to make a sacrifice for him, then I will.” She kicked off her shoe, and held her foot up to Jenstina. “Take mine.”

“Yvonne, you don't have to do this!”

“Yes, I do. I have to do it for us.” She looked at the ogre. “You use anesthesia, right?”

Jenstina shook his head.

“Oh ... well ... do it anyway. I will suffer the pain!”

Jenstina lowered the pliers and clamped the jaws shut upon the toenail of Yvonne's big toe. She squeezed her eyes shut. Randall took her hand and held it tight.

“
Sacrifice...
” she whispered.

“We'll be together always,” Randall told her. “Always.”

“
Always...
” Yvonne whispered.

“I love you so very much,” Randall said.

“
Love...
” Yvonne whispered.

“It'll grow back, for crying out loud,” said Jenstina.

“Do it!” said Yvonne. “Do it now! Do it while I can feel the love pouring through my being! Do it while the strength of a thousand martyrs flows through my veins, giving me the power to make this eternal sacrifice in the name of Love!”

Jenstina's grip on the pliers tightened.

“The time has come,” he said.

“The time is now,” Yvonne whispered.

The room seemed to darken. Randall felt an aching in his very soul that he thought might never vanish.

And then....

With all his might....

Or at least most of his might....

Jenstina....

The ogre....

Yanked
!

“OW!” screamed Yvonne. “
Damn
that hurt! Son of a bitch!” She began limping around the room, wincing with each step. “Criminy! Ow, ow, ow! Freakin’ crap! Dang!”

“Are you okay, my love?” Randall asked.

“Hell no I'm not okay! That jerk pulled out my friggin’ toenail! Ouch! Jeez, it stings like a bastard!”

“Here you go,” said the ogre, handing the toenail to Randall. “It's a fine specimen. I don't suppose she'd let me have one for my collection?”

“Ow! Farkin’ jeepers!”

“No,” said Randall, “I wouldn't think so.”

POOF
!

Suddenly they were back in the lair of the Dark One.

“Excellent! You got it! That leaves only Shreddriff the Berserker.” The Dark One considered that. “Do you think he'll misbehave? Should I have some guards ready to subdue him?”

“Might be a good idea,” said Randall. “You never can tell with these berserkers.”

“Very well, it shall be done. Now, off with you!”

POOF
!

Suddenly they were on a small island out in the middle of the ocean. Across from them, maybe fifteen feet away, was another small island, containing a palm tree and little else. A man with long, wild hair and filthy rags for clothing stood upon the island, frantically scribbling something on a piece of bark. He rolled up the bark, shoved it into a bottle, then heaved the bottle as far as he could into the ocean. It promptly sank.

“Wooga wooga!” shouted the berserker in frustration. He fell to his knees and began digging.

“That would be our berserker,” said Randall.

Shreddriff dug up another bottle, tore a strip of bark from the palm tree, and began writing on it again. Once again he shoved it into the bottle and threw it into the ocean. Once again it sank. “Wooga wooga!”

“Pardon us for interrupting!” Randall called out. “But if you closed up the bottle, it wouldn't sink.”

The berserker looked over at Randall and immediately went nutzo, running around the island screaming incoherent babble. He started biting the tree.

Randall and Yvonne exchanged concerned looks. “So, who wants to swim across and say hi?” asked Yvonne.

Shreddriff bit a huge chunk out of the tree, swallowed, and then began jumping up and down, flapping his arms. “Wooga wooga! Wooga wooga!” After a few moments, he calmed down a bit and began breathing deeply. “Breathe in ... breathe out...
ahhhh
.”

“Are you okay?” Randall asked.

The berserker screamed at the top of his lungs and began clawing at the air. Finally he dropped onto his back and closed his eyes. “Just relax ... you're on a sunny beach ... no cares in the world...”

“I hate to disturb you,” said Randall. “But we can get you off that island and bring you back to civilization!”

Shreddriff sat up. “Civilization
made
me like this!”

“Then why were you trying to send messages?”

“To tell those civilized punks I don't need them!” He began screaming and turning cartwheels. Then he ran around the tree a few times, ending with an impressive triple axle.

“We need your help,” said Randall. “If you'll come back with us, I'll see to it that you're returned safely.”

“Fine, no problem,” said the berserker. “But when you swim over here, be careful.”

A great white shark thrust its head out of the water and snapped its mighty jaws shut. Then it swam off, satisfied that it had made its point.

“Your turn to sacrifice,” Yvonne told Randall.

“Look, we're a little short on disposable limbs,” said Randall. “Is there another way over there?”

Shreddriff thought about it. “I guess I could part the waters.”

“I'll go for that,” said Randall.

“Promise not to call me a show-off?”

“I promise.”

“Because the last guy, he called me a show-off.”

“I won't call you a show-off.”

Shreddriff dramatically raised his arms. The ocean between the two islands parted. Unfortunately, there was still more water beneath that which had been parted. A shark stuck its head out and growled.

“Guess it's too deep,” said Shreddriff, lowering his hands. The ocean spilled back into place. Shreddriff began screaming and juggling some bottles that he hurriedly dug up. “Wooga wooga!”

“What does wooga wooga mean?” Randall asked.

“I don't know,” said Shreddriff. “I think it's Italian.”

Randall pointed at the palm tree. “If you managed to knock that over, we could walk across it!”

Shreddriff looked at the tree. “You've gotta be kidding!”

“It was just an idea.”

“I should hope so. Do you know how much work it is to put this thing back up every time it falls over?”

“I can have somebody help you with it,” promised Randall.

“All right, all right.” Shreddriff gave the tree a good flick with his index finger and it toppled over, landing in the water with a huge splash.

“Ummm,” said Randall, “I kind of meant that it was supposed to fall
toward
us.”

“It's missing details like that which make civilization such a crock,” Shreddriff told him.

“If we all swam and met each other half-way, that would reduce our chances of getting eaten by the sharks,” said Yvonne.

“Who's worried about the sharks?” asked Shreddriff. “These don't eat humans. I was concerned about getting my clothes all wet. These things weren't inexpensive, you know.”

With a sigh, Randall and Yvonne dove into the water and swam over to the other island. “Take my hand so you'll teleport back with us,” Randall said to Shreddriff.

“Does it hurt?”

“Nope.”

“Will it make my stomach feel gooshy?”

“Not at all.”

“Will the sudden change in surroundings startle me?”

“I doubt it.”

“Okay.”

POOF
!

“
Eeep
!” said Shreddriff as they reappeared in the lair of the Dark One. “You lied about the gooshy stomach part!”

Several guards immediately grabbed the berserker. “Leave him alone!” Randall shouted. “He's tame ... mostly...”

“So, you have everything you need,” said the Dark One. “Now, we shall join forces and rule this entire land!” He extended his wicked hand. “Let us shake to clench the deal!”

Randall reached out and clasped his hand.

“To evil,” said the Dark One.

“To your demise,” said Randall, yanking his hand away.

And then, all heck broke loose.

“CAN'T YOU calm that berserker down?” demanded the Dark One. “I missed what the squire said!”

“Wooga wooga!” shouted Shreddriff, kicking one of the guards in the face with a foot that shouldn't have been anywhere near a human face, for reasons of hygiene alone. The other guards struggled to contain him, but were having serious difficulties in doing so.

“He said, ‘to your demise,'” Scrivener told the Dark One.

“What? But that's a
bad
thing! Have I joined forces with somebody who doesn't know the difference between good things and bad things?”

“Guess so,” said Scrivener.

“Then ... kill him! And her! And the berserker! And that bug next time you see it!”

Shreddriff threw one of the guards against the others, knocking all of them to the floor. “Run!” he yelled.

Deciding that the idea had merit, Randall and Yvonne ran for the doorway, with Shreddriff following closely behind. The Dark One stood up and grabbed a huge battle axe that had been resting next to his throne for use in killing mosquitoes. “They shall not escape!” he thundered. “Sound the alarms! Set the traps! Release the termites! It's gonna be Squire Shishkabob tonight!”

“Go, Dark One!” yelled Scrivener. “Woo! Woo! Woo!”

Randall & Co. ran down the hall, speeding past several guards. “Where are we headed?” Yvonne asked.