How to Rise Above Abuse (Counseling Through the Bible Series) (20 page)

— Limit your liberty out of love. If something is allowable for you but would cause someone else to sin, you are to refrain from that activity.
If your behavior merely offends someone but would not cause the person to sin, you are not dealing with a weaker brother but possibly a legalist.

“Let us stop passing judgment on one another.
Instead, make up your mind not to put any stumbling block
or obstacle in your brother’s way”

(R
OMANS
14:13).

— Let the Holy Spirit do His job. Allow the Lord to establish His convictions in your heart. And don’t try to be someone else’s conscience; let the Convictor convict and the Counselor counsel.

“When [the Holy Spirit] comes, he will convict the world of guilt
in regard to sin and righteousness and judgment”

(J
OHN
16:8).

Honoring Spiritually Abusive Parents

Q
UESTION
:
“What recourse does a son or daughter have with a spiritually abusive parent? How can you confront and honor a parent at the same time?”

A
NSWER
:
Our heavenly Father is surely greatly saddened when an earthly father misuses His Word to hurt the heart and shatter the soul of one of His children. It is a blow to the very heart of God and a misrepresentation of His
character. But how precious to God is the heart of a child who, as an adult or a minor, desires to right a parental wrong in a loving and God-honoring way.

The key to honoring someone is dealing with that person in truth without a hint of hypocrisy. Jesus confronted the spiritual “fathers” of Israel by challenging them with truth. You dishonor someone when you withhold a needed confrontation that God could use to bring conviction and change. Here are some ways an adult child can approach an abusive parent:

•
“I want you to know I love you, and I want to always act in a way that pleases God and honors you. Therefore, I cannot in good conscience allow you to continue speaking to me in a way that is displeasing to God and puts you in a position of incurring His discipline. God’s Word commands us to both encourage and speak kindly to one another, and to refrain from association with someone who is easily angered.”

•
“Out of honor to both you and God, I must temporarily leave your presence when you speak to me in a way that violates God’s will for me and for you.”

•
“I want to have a wonderful, God-honoring relationship with you, so I pray that you will choose to honor Him by speaking to me in a way that pleases Him and encourages me.”

•
“In the future, I will take any disrespectful language directed toward me to mean that you do not wish to remain in my presence, and I will then leave until another time when we can enjoy each other’s company.”

A child who lives at home and is dependent on an abusive parent might find these approaches helpful:

•
“I love you and I believe you love me, but it really hurts me when you say ugly things to me.”

•
“Please ask God to help you not get so angry with me and instead, be nicer to me.”

Because a child cannot easily walk away from a parent, the following self-talk might help him or her to ward off the fiery arrows of harsh, harmful speech:

•
“Dad is not thinking correctly right now, and his words are not true.”

•
“God loves me and wants me to believe what He says about me.”

•
“Lord, I ask you to protect my heart from these hurtful words.”

•
“Jesus loves me and gave His life for me.”

•
“Jesus is inside me, and He will help me.”

•
“God, please forgive Daddy, convict him of his sin, and help him to be more like You.”

The apostle Paul wrote the following to the church at Thessalonica, and it applies to us as well:

“If anyone does not obey our instruction in this letter,
take special note of him.
Do not associate with him,
in order that he may feel ashamed”

(2 T
HESSALONIANS
3:14).

Blind guides, hypocrites, snakes, and sons of hell—that’s what Jesus called the Pharisees. He could see past their pretension and pomposity, stating plainly, “Everything they do is done for men to see” (Matthew 23:5). Their long tassels, their priestly robes, their seats of honor in the synagogue didn’t impress Jesus. All their showiness sickened Him. His warning to us is this: What may seem sacred might actually be sacrilege to God.

“How will you escape being condemned to hell?” (Matthew 23:33). Jesus decried the religious leaders, with a litany of rebukes in Matthew chapter 23, for their greed, self-indulgence, legalism, and murderous inclinations against those who are truly of God. Seven
“Woe to you”
pronouncements were made against the Pharisees, who “[did] not practice what they preach” (Matthew 23:3). Pulpits today are filled with “spiritual” leaders just like the Pharisees, who one day will face the same chilling condemnation—from Jesus Himself.

So what can you do if you continually find yourself in a spiritually abusive situation?

•
Submit yourself to God’s authority.
You are accountable to
God first and to human authorities second. “Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ” (Galatians 1:10).

•
Talk about your concerns with spiritual leaders
who are not involved in your abusive situation. God desires peace, unity, and reconciliation among Christians. “Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace” (Ephesians 4:2-3).

•
Consider how the spiritually abusive attitude of others
is affecting your spiritual life, your relationships with family members and friends, and your sense of personal value. “I urge you, brothers, to watch out for those who cause divisions and put obstacles in your way that are contrary to the teaching you have learned. Keep away from them” (Romans 16:17).

•
Separate yourself from abusive situations
and seek out people who have a positive influence and encourage you. “Encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing” (1 Thessalonians 5:11).

Submission and Spiritual Leaders

Q
UESTION
:
“Do I always have to submit to spiritual leaders, even when I know they are abusive? After all, the Bible says, ‘Submit yourselves for the Lord’s sake to every authority instituted among men’ (1 Peter 2:13).”

A
NSWER
:
Spiritual abusers love to manipulate others by telling them that they must always submit to spiritual authority. This is wrong! When the apostle Paul was facing trial at the hands of the Jewish religious leaders, he knew he would be executed. Therefore, rather than submitting to religious leaders in Jerusalem who were not following God, Paul appealed to stand trial in Rome before the secular court of Caesar. However, before appealing to Caesar, Paul unknowingly insulted the Jewish high priest. When Paul was told whom he had insulted, he agreed that no one should speak evil about the ruler of the Jewish people. We should always
respect
spiritual authority, but we do not need to
obey
it if it doesn’t line up with God’s truth.

“At this the high priest Ananias ordered those standing near Paul
to strike him on the mouth. Then Paul said to him,
‘God will strike you, you whitewashed wall!
You sit there to judge me according to the law,
yet you yourself violate the law by commanding that I be struck!’
Those who were standing near Paul said,
‘You dare to insult God’s high priest?’
Paul replied, ‘Brothers, I did not realize that he was the high priest;
for it is written: “Do not speak evil about the ruler of your people”’”

(A
CTS
23:2-5).

“Amazing grace, how sweet the sound
…
” Who hasn’t heard these familiar words that begin what is probably one of the most favored hymns of all time? The author, John Newton (1725–1807), was captain of a ship engaged in slave trade. He transported his share of the six million African slaves brought to the Americas during the eighteenth century. While on a homeward voyage, his ship encountered a violent storm and, fearing all was lost, he exclaimed, “Lord, have mercy on us!”

After leaving the slave trade and for the rest of his life, Newton referred to that day as the day when he understood the limitless grace of God. Newton spent the last 43 years of his life as a minister who fully understood the dynamics of divine grace—God’s gift to everyone irrespective of “good deeds or earned worth.” God’s amazing grace is the means by which we are saved from original sin, given the power to live a life pleasing to God, and granted eternal salvation.

“This righteousness from God comes through faith
in Jesus Christ to all who believe.
There is no difference,
for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,
and are justified freely by his grace
through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus”

(R
OMANS
3:22-24).

If your heart’s desire is to move from legalism to grace, you need to…

G—G
IVE UP
trying to please God through your own efforts.

•
Understand that the law is not a spiritual code for you to follow in order to earn God’s favor.

•
Understand that you will fail if you think you can fulfill the law in your own strength.

•
Understand that you need not fear when you fail to measure up (and you will). Just rely on Christ to be your Redeemer. Remember:

“There is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus,
because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free
from the law of sin and death”

(R
OMANS
8:1-2).

R—R
EALIZE
that God’s love is a free gift—complete and unconditional.

•
You are under the “grace principle” of life if you are a Christian.

•
You have not been delivered from bondage in order to focus on a code of rules and regulations.

•
You need to know that because of the everlasting love of the Lord, you are free in Christ. Remember:

“We have been released from the law so that
we serve in the new way of the Spirit,
and not in the old way of the written code”

(R
OMANS
7:6).

A—A
CCEPT
that Christ, through His Holy Spirit, is living in you to empower you to please God.

•
Remember, Satan and death and sin were defeated at the cross.

•
Remember, you received the gifts of salvation, eternal life, justification, righteousness, and glorification not by any of your own efforts, but through faith in Jesus Christ.

•
Remember, you died to your old life, and your new life is now lived by faith in Christ, who earned these things
for
you. Remember:

“I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live,
but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body,
I live by faith in the Son of God,
who loved me and gave himself for me”

(G
ALATIANS
2:20).

C—C
OMMIT
to reading God’s Word.
²⁷

•
Know that the ways of the world are not God’s ways.

•
Know that by reading the Word of God you will know the ways of God…especially in the areas of your weakness.