How To Save The World: An Alien Comedy (28 page)

“Here, man.  I’ve said it was just a joke,” Jixyl protested.  “What’s the problem?”

“Here, man!  What’s the problem!?” Eric snapped back.  “The problem is, you don’t trick someone into thinking they might get put down.  That’s not a joke.  That’s just being a complete idiot.”

“I didn’t think you’d fall for it anyway,” Jixyl shrugged.  “I thought you’d blatantly realise that humans and Fyralings share the same goals, so we’d obviously not imprison someone that could ensure our own long-term safety as well.”

“Yeah,
your
situation might be a bit more urgent,” Azleev added, “but if the Femlings carry on with their twisted plans then further down the line we’re gonna be in the same boat as you are.  So we need you free and fighting for the common cause … not stuck in a prison somewhere.”

“Here, man!  I’ve never been to your planet before so how am I meant to know how things work in your society?” Eric argued.  “For all I know you might be complete mental idiots.  In fact you
are
complete mental idiots.”

“Here, man.  Get over it, will you?” Jixyl moaned.  “It was just a bit of a laugh.”

“Ar, that’s alright, then.  As long as you found it funny,” Eric mocked.  “Here, you don’t understand the concept behind playing a lush snaky trick on someone.  The other person has to find the trick funny as well … otherwise it’s not a lush snaky trick.  It’s just being a snide.”

“Well I thought you
would
find it funny,” Jixyl protested, defensively.

“On what basis would I ever find my potential impending dea
th funny?” Eric questioned.

“Well we said you’d probably o
nly go to prison,” Jixyl defended.

“Well going to prison on some strange alien planet isn’t all that funny either, like,” Eric pointed out.

“Look, how about this…  Jixyl you apologise and we all forget about it,” Azleev proposed.

“
I
apologise?” Jixyl remonstrated.  “
You
went along with it as well, like, Azleev,” he added, resorting to the age-old tactic of attempting to share out the blame.

“Yeah, but it was mainly you,” Azleev insisted.

“Look, can I just explain to you with an example?” Eric interjected.  He still wasn’t finished explaining his ‘lush snaky trick’ theory.  “Say if I put a drawing pin on someone’s seat and then when they come back I deliberately look shifty so that they know something’s up, and then they spot the drawing pin and move it, then that’s a lush snaky trick cos it’s implying that I wanted them to sit on the drawing pin but at the same time they don’t actually experience any pain or discomfort.

But if I actually let them sit on the drawing pin then that’s not a lush snaky trick anymore.  That’s just being a snide.  You have to know where to draw the line.

So if you’re taking it up to the point of letting someone think they might die or go to prison then that’s mebbees crossing the line a little bit, okay?  D’you understand?”

“Okay, we get the idea,” Azleev accepted.  “But anyway, I thought you said you wanted to enjoy the descent.”

“Aye, I do,” Eric confirmed, “but it was just important to ensure you understand the rules of playing a lush snaky trick first.”

“Right, well we understand now,” Azleev replied, “so enjoy the view…”

The three of them all finally agreed to draw a line under the issue and so Eric took a deep breath of anticipation and peered out of the viewing interface.  “How come a descent takes longer than a take-off, then?” he inquired.

“Just for safety reasons,” Azleev explained.  “Just cos when you leave an atmosphere you’re heading towards an empty vacuum of emptiness so you can safely go really fast, whereas when you
enter
an atmosphere you’re heading towards a big massive rock, therefore an atmospheric entry requires a slower speed than an exit, just for safety reasons.”

“Ar, right,” Eric nodded, and he stared outside and breathed in the excitement as they finally began their descent into Fyra’s atmosphere.  Eric had been to East Africa a few years ago and that was the first time he had flown, and he could still remember the buzz of excitement he felt as the buildings and trees gradually got bigger and bigger as the plane descended into Nairobi airport.

This though, was about fifty times more exciting than that.  His eyes were nearly popping out of his head.  It felt almost like a movie with ground-breaking – no, ground-
shattering
– amazing special effects.

But it wasn’t a movie.  It was real.  And Eric was totally loving it.  He loved travelling, loved visiting new places and had been to some of the most amazing places on Earth
… The Great Barrier Reef, The Grand Canyon, St.James Park
[41]
and many more, but none of them came even remotely close to what he was experiencing right now.  And as a huge smile broke out across his face he realised that Jixyl and Azleev’s misjudged joke was a small price to pay for the amazingly awe-inspiring experience he was experiencing right now.

And over the next few months there would be many more amazing experiences waiting ahead for Eric.

But also a few more prices to pay.

And some of them, unfortunately for Eric, not so small.

“Here, man!  I promise you I haven’t shagged any blonde lasses!” Jixyl repeated for the umpteenth time.  Jixyl had only been back on Fyra for a few hours and already the unfortunate consequences of Eric’s retaliatory text to Jeemia about ‘shagging a blonde lass’ were coming to a head.

“Then why did you send Jeemia a text saying you had, then?” Sverine asked.  Sverine was Jixyl’s girlfriend.  And Jeemia, so it turned out, was Sverine’s best mate.  Not, as Eric had incorrectly assumed, Jixyl’s girlfriend.

“I’ve told you …
I
didn’t send the text,” Jixyl explained.  “I lost my mobile.  Whoever found it must be just playing a stupid joke.”  For whatever reason, Jixyl was reluctant to reveal his recent trips to Earth to his girlfriend.

“Well why would someone send a text like that for a joke?” Sverine
queried.

“Well why would
I
send a text like that?” Jixyl argued.  “Here, man!  You must think I’m stupid.  If I’d slept with a blonde lass why would I send your best mate a text telling her about it?”

“Cos all men are skanky dogs,” Sverine answered.

“We’re not, man,” Jixyl protested.  “Most of us are canny sound.”

“Well you’re one of the ones that falls into the ‘skanky dogs’ category,” Sverine
asserted.

“Anyway, even if I
was
a skanky dog, which I’m not, that still doesn’t answer my question.  A skanky dog, which I’m not, might cheat on his girlfriend but he wouldn’t then admit to it,” Jixyl reasoned.

“Ar, so you’re saying you’d lie about it!” Sverine retorted.

“No, man!  I’m saying I wouldn’t do it in the first place!” Jixyl snapped.  “But if I did I certainly wouldn’t admit to it.”

“You see!  I knew I was right!” Sverine
proclaimed, taking Jixyl’s response as an admission of guilt.  “I knew I couldn’t trust you!”

“Look, man!  Just think about the logic for a second,” Jixyl insisted.  “There’s no logical explanation as to why I would shag a blonde lass and then admit to it.”

“Well maybe just cos Jeemia sent you a text saying she’d shagged a black guy.  Maybe you were feeling competitive,” Sverine proposed.

“Competitive?  Eh?  What sort of ridiculous logic is that?” Jixyl
questioned, looking bemused.  “So you’re saying my lass’s best mate sends uz a text saying she’s achieved her ‘black guy’ fantasy, so I then feel the need to make up a lie to her saying that I shagged a blonde lass … which isn’t even my fantasy.”

“So you don’t fancy me, then?” Sverine inquired.  As you may have guessed from her response, Sverine was blonde.

“Aye, of course I fancy you,” Jixyl assured her.  “But, like, I just fancy you
specifically
.  I don’t fancy blonde lasses in general.”  Jixyl actually did fancy blonde lasses in general but he correctly assumed that right at this moment it probably wouldn’t be the best idea to admit to it.  “Look, fair enough, I can understand you being angry cos if you had lost your mobile and someone had sent me a random text saying you’d cheated on uz, I’d be angry as well.  But once I’d calmed down and thought about it, I’d realise that logically there’s no way you would send a text like that so it must have been sent by someone else.”

“Maybe you didn’t think Jeemia would tell uz,” Sverine suggested.

“Course she’d tell you!” Jixyl remonstrated.  “She’s your best mate!  Course she’s gonna tell you if she gets a text saying…  Well, just a text like that.”

“Well maybe you thought she’d keep quiet to spare my feelings,” Sverine proposed.

“Well why would I even take the risk?” Jixyl argued.  “Like, surely it’d be even safer just not to tell her in the first place.”

Sverine was starting to see the logic in what Jixyl was saying but her initial anger still had a hold on her.  So Jixyl suggested that the best course of action was for them to both go their separate ways for a couple of days and then discuss the matter further once Sverine had calmed down and had a chance to think about things logically.  Sverine agreed to this suggestion with the one slight adjustment that she thought it was best to give Jixyl one final tirade of abuse first prior to them going their separate ways.

After receiving the tirade of abuse Jixyl returned straight away to his student quarters to see Eric and he wasn’t happy.  “Why did you send a text to Jeemia saying I’d shagged a blonde lass?” he demanded.

“Ar, em … I meant to tell you about that,” Eric stuttered.

“What were you thinking of?” Jixyl snapped.

“Well just cos your lass sent you a text saying…”  Eric was reluctant to reveal to Jixyl about what he still believed was his cheating girlfriend but eventually decided that given the circumstances Jixyl would want to know the truth, if he didn’t already, that is.  “Well, just that she’d shagged a black guy.”

“
Sverine
shagged a black guy?” Jixyl queried, suddenly looking slightly confused, not to mention more than a little curious.

“Sverine?” Eric replied.  “Who’s Sverine?”

“My girlfriend,” Jixyl replied.

“Not Jeemia?” Eric questioned.

“No.  Jeemia’s her best mate,” Jixyl explained.

“Ar,” Eric muttered.  And then the repercussions of his text finally hit him.  “Ar … well, em … I think I might have made a bit of a slight mug up.”

“A
slight
mug up?” Jixyl exclaimed.  “More like a scale ten mug up, you fool!”  It has to be said he didn’t look very happy.

Eric felt totally foolish and did his best to convey his apologeticness in his body language.  “Ar, soz.  Like, I’m totally sorry.  Like, I just thought you’d want revenge and all that.  Like, I thought I was doing you a favour.”

“By sending my girlfriend’s best mate a text saying I’d shagged a blonde lass!” Jixyl snapped.  When put like that, Eric had to admit that it possibly wasn’t the greatest favour he had ever done for anyone.

“Well, er … I sort of, er … misjudged the situation a bit,” Eric
mumbled.

“Ar, hey.  Earth’s in deep crap if it has to rely on a fool like you to save it,” Jixyl
spat.

“Ar, don’t worry.  I’m normally not as daft as that,” Eric insisted.  “Honestly, it’s usually totally rare when I do stuff as daft as that.”

“Well it’ll have to be if you’re gonna have any chance of success with your mission,” Jixyl warned.  “Seriously, from now on you need to demonstrate a much greater degree of common sense.”

“Ar, yeah.  Definitely, like,” Eric
promised.  “Don’t worry.  That was just a one-off mug up.”

“Right, well from now on … no more mug ups,” Jixyl counselled.  “Not even one off ones.”

“Ar, yeah.  Totally,” Eric affirmed.  “No more mug ups.”

And so, needless to say, Eric didn’t get much sleep that night.  Partly because he was concerned and embarrassed about the trouble he had caused for Jixyl with his girlfriend.  But partly also because he was on a different planet
billions of miles away from Earth which was a total buzz for Eric.

And also partly because over the next few weeks he might possibly go down in history as the dude who saved the Earth.

‘Aye, the dude who saved the Earth,’ Eric thought to himself.  ‘I like the sound of that.  It’s got a nice ring to it.’

Meanwhile in the next room, Jixyl was thinking of Eric as something quite different from the dude who saved the Earth.  Jixyl was thinking of Eric as ‘the d
aft gormless chump that had probably split him and Sverine up.’

But if everything went to plan then that was a price that Jixyl would be more than willing to pay.

By the time Eric awoke the following morning he had come to the conclusion that Jixyl had probably brought his current situation with his girlfriend upon himself, on account of the way he had messed with that Natalie lass’s feelings during The Nivlax Festival.  ‘It’s probably just bad karma teaching Jixyl a lesson,’ Eric told himself in a blatant attempt to absolve himself of any blame.  This attempt at acquitting himself from guilt wasn’t entirely successful, however, and Jixyl obviously picked up on this over breakfast as he felt the need to give Eric a pep talk.