How to Twist a Dragon's Tale (Hiccup) (5 page)

"He
saved us," said Gobber, pointing at the Man.

"Who is
that?"
asked Stoick. "Who is that Man?"

"He can't be a
man,
" pointed out Gobber. "Men don't walk through fire ... He must be a god."

"I'm not a god," said the Man on the White Dragon.

His voice was rather muffled by a black suit that covered him from head to toe, even his eyes and mouth, and Hiccup was wondering how he could see through it.

"I'm just a Hero -- I mean an
ordinary bloke,
who happened to be passing," continued the Man. "In fact I'm in a bit of a hurry. I've got something important to do now, so I must be off... Lovely to meet you and everything ... you seem like nice little people, in your way."

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"'You're a Lava-Lout!" roared Stoick, staring at the Man.

All the watching Hooligans gasped in horror, and drew their swords immediately. Lava-Louts were one of the Hooligan Tribe's deadliest enemies.

"I am not a Lava-Lout!" protested the Man indignantly. "Lava-Louts are gorillas in trousers! And that's a bit of an insult to gorillas."

"You are so a Lava-Lout!" exclaimed Stoick. "Only low-down, double-crossing, mean-as-sharks Lava-Louts wear that kind of suit!"

The Hooligans growled in agreement, and pressed forward, waving their swords and checking the sharpness of their axe edges, while crying out, "Kill him! Kill him! Lava-Lout Vermin!"

"I get to kill him first, Chief!" yelled Baggybum the Beerbelly. "I haven't had a Lava-Lout in ages!"

"Get to the back of the queue, Baggybum, you villain!" roared Tuffnut Senior. "You're always pushing in front of everybody else!"

"I... AM...N0T....A....LAVA-LOUT!" howled the Man as loud as he could through his muffly headgear. "Oh, for Thor's sake, you do a good deed, and see where it gets you! In the soup, yet again, why do

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I never learn?
Bother
this Fire Suit... I'll take it off and then you'll see ..."

The Man got down from his White Dragon, and with both hands he pulled up the head section of the suit he was wearing. It was stuck very tight, and made rather a revolting squelchy, burpy noise as he peeled it up.

"There you see!" said the Man triumphantly, as with a final rude B-E-L-C-H he detached the headgear from his face. "NOT a Lava-Lout!"

Stoick walked slowly around and around the Man.

The head that he had revealed was clearly not the head of a Lava-Lout.

It was the head of a blond, bearded, handsome man, no, make that a
very
handsome man, slightly past the prime of middle age and currently looking a little bit cross.

Stoick put his sword back in its scabbard.

"Not
a Lava-Lout," pronounced Stoick with relief.

"But if not a Lava-Lout, then who are you?"

The Man looked extremely surprised.

"What do you mean ... WHO AM I?" said the

Man. "I'm HUMUNGOUSLY HOTSHOT, of course..."

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Humungously Hotshot was one of the greatest Viking Heroes of recent times, who had completed such great Quests as "the Slaying of the Rude Rippers" and "the Fetching of the Weird Stone." He had completely disappeared without a trace fifteen years before, and everybody had rather assumed he was dead, which was an occupational hazard of being a great Viking Hero.

"No! Not Humungously Hotshot
the Hero!"
stammered Stoick the Vast in awe.

Suddenly, Stoick was rather aware of the fact that he was standing in front of one of the greatest Heroes of the Age, dressed only in a pair of hairy knickers and one rather ancient blue sock.

He sucked in his tummy, and tried to look his most dignified and Chiefly.

"But we all thought you were dead!"

"Yes, well," said Humungous, frowning bitterly. "I was on this Hero Quest in Lava-Lout territories and got caught red-handed by those Snakes-in-Helmets, the Lava-Louts. They slung me into one of their Jail-Forges, and so I've spent the last fifteen years underground forging swords for them. Which is why I'm wearing one of their Lava-Lout Fire Suits. It's made out of dragon skin, which means it's totally fireproof."

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"They're
evilly
clever, those Lava-Louts," said Stoick the Vast, shaking his head. "How, by the great Hairy Thumbnails of Thor, did you ever escape?"

"Oh, I didn't escape," explained Humungous. "NOBODY escapes from the Lava-Louts. They evacuated the island. The Exterminators were hatching."

"What ARE Extermi-whateveryousaid?" said Stoick. "I've never heard of them before."

"Exterminators are the Creatures who've made this little mess here," explained Humungous, waving a hand at the scene of scorched devastation and fiery chaos behind him. "They haven't been seen around these parts for centuries because their Eggs can only be hatched by the gases and lava given off by an exploding volcano. The Volcano on Lava-Lout Island has been grumbling away for a while now, getting ready for a really Massive Explosion, and when it does, all the Exterminator Eggs will hatch."

"So you're saying they were EXTERMINATORS that attacked us just now?" asked Hiccup.

"That's right, I'd say about six small ones, baby Exterminators, you know, they were quite sweet really," answered Humungous cheerily.

"And how many Exterminator Eggs are there left on Lava-Lout Island?" asked Hiccup.

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LEARNING TO SPEAK DRAGONESE AT BEDTIME

Dragon: Toothless ava z-z-zuzzspook,

Toothless uptime SNIP-SNAP.

Toothless had a nightmare. Toothless get up RIGHT NOW.

You: (sleepily) May is di middling o di

Zuzztime!

But it's the middle of the night!

PAUSE

You (warningly): Na flicka-fiame di sieepysiab, Toothless, NA FLICKA-FLAME DI SLEEPY-SLAB! NA FLICKAFLAMEOH, Toothless!

Don't set fire to the bed, Toothless, DON'T SET FIRE TO THE BED! DON'T SET FIRE TO THE - OH
, TOOTHLESS!

Dragon (delightedly): Hiccup izzup!

Hiccup izzup! Hiccup tickla wit-Toothless?

Hiccup is up! Hiccup is up! Will you play with me?

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"Oh ... no more than about nine hundred thousand, I'd say," Humungous said, nodding.

"All of this reminds me, I
am
in a bit of a hurry to get out of here. I'm so sorry to leave ... you've all been so kind ... and if I were you, I'd leave too, and pretty quickly. You don't want to be around when they hatch."

"What are you
talking
about?" bellowed Stoick. "LEAVE? There's no question of leaving. This is our HOME. The Archipelago has been home to the Barbarians ever since Great Hairybottom, the First Barbarian of all, got off his ship and sank into the bog right up to his thigh ... He lost his boot on that occasion ... They never found it again ... And that was when he said those immortal words --"

"There will be barbarians in the Archipelago for as long as my boot is in that bog.'" Hiccup finished up the story, for he had heard it before. "Yes, Father, I know, Father, but AT THE TIME Great Hairybottom didn't have NINE HUNDRED THOUSAND Exterminator dragons about to fly down on the island and turn it into desert."

"That's not SO many," roared Stoick the Vast. "And they're only dragons, after all. We shall STAY, and we shall FIGHT! I shall bring it up at the meeting

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of The Thing* which is in a week's time on Sun'sday Sunday, so that we can prepare to join together, and arm ourselves for the Battle to come.

"Oh how I wish your darling mother was with us now," sighed Stoick.

Hiccup's mother Valhallarama was a truly magnificent Warrior, but she was off Questing again.

"My little muscly sweetheart would CRUSH those Extermi-thingummys with one flick of her plaits," said Stoick.

"WE WILL FIGHT THEM
ON
THE BEACHES!" he yelled. "WE WILL FIGHT THEM IN THE BRACKEN. "WE WILL FIGHT THEM IN THOSE BOGGY MARSHY BITS THAT ARE SO DIFFICULT TO WALK THROUGH WITHOUT LOSING YOUR SHOES! WE WILL NEVER SURRENDER!"

And then he broke into a rousing rendition of "Rule Barbaria! Barbarians Rule the Waves," and every single Hooligan stood up straight and proud, and singing out the chorus at the top of their lungs while performing the Hooligan salute.

*The Thing was a meeting of all the local Tribes.

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WE WILL FIGHT THEM ON THE BEACHES!

WE WILL FIGHT THEM IN THE BRACKEN!

WE WILL FIGHT THEM IN THOSE BOGGY MARSHY BITS THAT ARE SO DIFFICULT TO LOSING YOUR SHOES!

WE WILL NEVER SURRENDER!

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For a nation that spent a great deal of time fighting, burgling, and ransacking, the Hooligans were a surprisingly musical lot. It was a shock to hear these ruffianly characters open their mouths, and the proud words come ringing out, pure and true, in perfect tune with each other, and in deep and gorgeous contrast to the scene of smoky devastation going on behind them.

Humungously Hotshot got up to go. He shook Stoick warmly by the hand. "I must say," said Humungous, "I think the clever thing to do would be to get out of here as fast as is humanly possible. But I have got to admire your suicidal bravery, mad and completely pointless as it is. Good luck, everybody!"

"Won't you stay and fight with us?" pressed Stoick the Vast. "A great Hero like yourself would be a tremendous help."

"Well, I think
now
I'm more of an Ex-Hero," repeated Humungous. "I'm just a Sword-for-Hire. No, I've had it with lost causes. It's all about ME, ME, ME from now on. But I do just have
one
last thing to do before I shoot off as far away from this doomed Archipelago as I can get. Could you possibly point me in the direction of the little Island of Berk?"

Stoick the Vast's face broke into a broad grin.

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"But my dear Humungous!" he exclaimed. "This
IS
the Isle of Berk!"

Humungously Hotshot's jaw dropped.

"No!"
he said. "Then you must be... you must be ..."

"Chief Stoick the Vast!" cried Stoick the Vast.

"Really?"
gasped Humungous, very politely
NOT
asking the question,
And do you ALWAYS prance around the mountainside dressed only in knickers and one blue sock?

"And
this
is your son?" Humungous pointed at Hiccup.

"HICCUP HORRENDOUS HADDOCK THE THIRD!"
roared Stoick the Vast proudly.

Humungous seemed to find this difficult to take in.

"THIS
is
Hiccup Horrendous Haddock the Third?"

Humungous turned to Stoick. "You know, Stoick, I've changed my mind. I think I will hang around here for a while, after all."

"Wonderful!" boomed Stoick. "I think you said your new profession was a Sword-for-Hire?"

"That's right," said Humungous.

"Well, I've been looking," said Stoick thoughtfully, "for a Bardiguard for my son, Hiccup.

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[Image: A man]

85

You
should be good at Bardiguarding, having once been a Hero."

A Bardiguard was a bodyguard for the Heir to a Viking Chief.

Like a Hero, you were expected to be more than just a magnificent Warrior.

You had to be a complete all-rounder, good-looking, musical, handy on the harp, and just as good with the spear as you were with the axe.
And
you had to be a great teacher as well, because you were supposed to be instructing the young Heir in all these skills.

"How's your weapon-work?" asked Stoick.

For answer, Humungous drew his axe from his belt so quickly and so gracefully that Stoick didn't even see his hands move. He threw it sizzling through the air in such a way that it cut off one of Nobber Nobrains's plaits and then boomeranged back into Humungous's hand again, where he twiddled it twice around his wrist, balanced it for a moment on his elbow, and somersaulted it back into his belt again.

The Hooligans oooohed with pleasure. There was nothing they enjoyed more than really good weapon-work. "WOW!" gasped Stoick.

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This man was cooler than a cat twirling his whiskers on a freshly frozen iceberg.

"Oh, that was nothing," said Humungous, sighing. "In my younger days I could have done it
with my eyes shut."

"DON'T TRY IT," growled Nobber Nobrains warningly.

"And I presume you're as good with everything else?" asked Stoick.

For answer, Humungous drew out his bow and arrow.

"You see that boy with the skull tattoos?"

Humungous pointed out Snotlout, who was standing some distance away chatting with Dogsbreath the Duhbrain and picking his nose. Humungous let fly his arrow, and Snotlout fell backward with a short cry.

"My son!" exclaimed Baggybum the Beerbelly.

Humungous held up a humungous yet elegant hand.

"There is absolutely no cause for alarm, my dear sir. I think you will find that your son is completely unharmed. I have simply removed the booger from his nostril."

It was so. It had all happened so quickly, Snotlout