HUGE X3: A MFMM Menage Stepbrother Romance (9 page)

9

The
pool house is dark inside but Austin turns on the lights and we all shuffle
into the den.
 
The atmosphere is so tense
that I feel like singing really loudly, just to break it up.
 

"Do you guys want some time?" Jason asks,
looking between me and Bryan.

"Yes, we definitely do."
 
I grab Bryan by the arm and drag him toward
the kitchenette.
 
The twins head to the
bedroom and close the door quietly behind them.

Bryan shakes off my grip and rests his hands on the
counter, looking at me fiercely.
 
I've
never seen him angry.
 
The flash of his
dark green eyes is kind of mesmerizing.

"Look, Katelin.
 
Cut the attitude, okay?"

"Attitude?"

"Yeah. All the glaring and moodiness."

"You don’t think I've got a right be angry."

"Angry about what?"

I put my hands on my hips and glare at him, doing
exactly what he's trying to tell me off about.
 
"Angry that our parents are dating and that you knew."

"Who told you I knew?"

I pause for a second, realizing I actually don’t know
that for sure.
 
"Are you telling me
that you had no idea?"

He doesn’t say anything but is still staring at me
furiously.
 
"So you did know!"
I shout.

"So what if I did?
 
Your mom told me not to say anything because
you have a rule. What was I supposed to do?"

"Oh my god.
 
We're friends Bryan.
 
At least I
thought we were.
 
You could have told her
you weren't prepared to keep a secret like that from me."

"I did it for you," he says.
 
"Before your mom, my dad was going
through women like water.
 
I didn’t think
it was going to last more than a month.
 
What was the point of upsetting you for nothing? Then, when it went on
for two months, then three I kept thinking it was only a matter of time before
dad moved on.
 
When it got to a year I
wanted to tell you but it had been too long.
 
And my dad told me it was serious.
 
Then..."
 
He trails off,
stuffing his hands into his pockets like he did in the yard.
 
He won’t look at me and I don’t get it.
 
What’s his problem?

"Then what?" I demand.

"Then dad told me that I needed to start thinking
of you as a sister because it was only a matter of time before we were going to
be family."

He says that last bit as though he has something
disgusting in his mouth and I feel like I need to sit down.
 
All this stuff has been going on in his life
and I had no idea.
 
Suddenly, I put two
and two together and make five.
 
"Is
that why?"

"Why what?"

I blush because what I was going to say will
out
all the unspoken stuff that has been
marinating between us for years.
 
I don’t
know if I can bear to say it and have him tell me I'm wrong.
 
But at the same time this is my opportunity.
This is what I have been desperate to clear up.
 
I have to take the bull by the horns and come out with it.
 
I have to know once and for all, if nothing
else so that I can put all my unrequited feelings to bed.

"All our friends were telling me that you were
interested in me but you never made a move. Is this why?"
 

Bryan sighs, looking me in the eyes with such a solemn
expression on his face I want to pull him in for a hug.
 
I'm so angry with him, but inside all the
feelings that I've pushed down for lack of nurturing on his part are there,
tightening around my heart.
 
"I
couldn’t, okay.
 
I wanted to, but you're
going to be my sister, Katy."

"Stepsister," I say.
 
He pulls out a bar stool and gestures for me
to sit.
 
When we’re perched at the
counter he leans forward and takes my hand.

"Katy," he says quietly.
 
"You don’t know my dad.
 
I couldn’t go against his wishes and risk
hurting you in the long run.
 
If he found
out that we were together, he'd cut me off.
 
I need his support to finish college.
 
I'm supposed to be joining him in the family business, and maybe taking
it over eventually.
 
I didn’t want to
start something with you that I couldn’t finish."

Bryan strokes his thumb over the skin on the back of
my hand and looks at where we are touching.
 
He's so gentle with me that it hurts my heart.

"But you wanted to?"

"Of course I did.
 
It's killed me to be friends with you all this time, to want you so
badly, to see you with other guys and know that I couldn’t make you mine."

I think back to yesterday when he came to my house to
find out if I was okay.
 
He didn’t once criticize
me for what I did with his brothers.
 
He
should have been so angry, but all he did was show me concern.
 
I don’t know if I’m happy or sad about that.
 
If he really cared about me so much,
shouldn’t he be angrier and more possessive?
 
He needs to know the impact that all this has been having on me.

"You know, it's killed me to want you and to
think that maybe you wanted me too and for nothing to ever come of it.
 
I've been single for so long, waiting for you.”
As I say the words I realize that all the years of wondering have hurt me more
than I’ve ever admitted to myself.

He looks up into my eyes, his jaw clenched.
 
His hand tightens around mine as though
hearing how I feel has made him lose some of his control.
 
This whole situation feels so fucked up.
 
Our parents’ relationship has put a wedge
between us, and now the fact that I’ve slept with his half-brothers is not exactly
going to help things.
 
Add to that my
medical situation - which I almost didn’t remember for all of the drama - and I
have no idea what to say to him.
 
Where
do we go from here now that everything is out in the open?

"Bryan,” I say, wrapping both of my hands around
his.
 
My voice is a whisper laced with
longing but he won’t look at me now.
 
I
tug at his hands, willing him to meet my gaze, if only so that I can see what
he’s thinking.
 
“Bryan,” I say
louder.
 
His eyes meet mine for a second
and he starts to move forward on his stool.
 
My heart skips when I think that maybe he’s going to kiss me and I’m
finally going to feel his beautiful soft lips against mine.

Then there’s a loud knock at the door and the moment
is gone.
 
“My dad,” Bryan says, sliding off
the stool as though we were doing something so dreadful by sitting next to each
other that he has to distance himself from me.

I watch him walk to the door and hear Jason and Austin
come into the den again.
 
As soon as
Bryan opens the door, Doug is striding into the room, glancing around for
evidence of wrongdoing.
 
His nose
twitches as though he’s sniffing for evidence of what he thinks is going
on.
 

“Dad,” Bryan says, closing the door.

“Bryan, you need to take Katelin home now,” he says
firmly.
 
I don’t like being ordered
around, especially by someone I’ve just met, but at the same time this is
Bryan’s dad and maybe my future step dad.
 
I really need to tread carefully here.

“We were just getting ready to play,” I say, heading
towards the sofa.

“I’m afraid that won’t be possible tonight.” Doug
moves forward as though he would actually block my way if I didn’t stop where I
am.
 
“I need to talk to Austin and Jason
about something and it can’t wait.”

I look between the boys, wondering what to do.
 
Austin nods and Bryan takes a step towards
me.
 
“We’ll speak to you later,” Jason
says.
 
The room is quiet as my brain
digests the fact that I am actually being kicked out.
 
This is not how I expected our evening to go,
by any stretch of the imagination.

“I guess we’d better go then,” I say to Bryan.
 
He looks so relieved; I guess because he
knows that I don’t usually let people order me around.
 

I don’t say anything but grab my purse from the
counter and head for the door.
 
I stomp
all the way around to the front of the house where Bryan’s car is parked.
 
He easily keeps pace with me because his legs
are so damn long.
 
We don’t speak because
I’m mad and he knows it.
 

He pops the locks and I take a seat, breathing deep
when I realize that the car smells just like him.
 
We’re on the road before he speaks.

“I’m sorry about that…you know, my dad.”

“You don’t need to apologize for him, Bryan.”

“I do.
 
He’s a
rude asshole a lot of the time.”

“So that’s his problem, not yours.”

I glance at him and his knuckles are white as he
clutches the steering wheel too tightly.
 

“It’s my problem when he’s messing up my life.”

“But if that’s the case, you have to confront him, not
apologize for him.”

“You don’t know my dad,” he says, sounding defeated.

“I think I’ve sized him up pretty well in the last
half hour, though.”

Bryan shakes his head ruefully and it pisses me off so
much that my strong, confident friend is so curtailed by a man who seems to me
to be a bit of a bully.
 
I’m starting to
wonder what the hell my mom sees in him.
 

It doesn’t take long for Bryan to reach my house. He
parks a little before my driveway and turns off the engine.
 
We sit in silence for a while and my mind
races through all the things I want to say but nothing seems right.
 
Bryan rests his hands on his thighs and
stares straight ahead.
 
I wish I knew
what he was thinking.
 
Mindreading has
never been a superhero trait that I’ve been particularly interested in before
but it’s making its way to the top of my list right now.

“So you have an appointment tomorrow?” he asks.
 

“Yeah.
 
10am.”

“That’s good.”

“I guess.”

We sit for a while longer and I watch the breeze move
the shrubs at the front of our yard and the next door neighbor’s cat prowling
along the sidewalk.
 
The night is quiet
but I’m so restless.
 
I can’t sit in this
car any longer and deal with all these emotions bubbling inside me but still
feel so unbelievably empty.
 
No matter
how I look at things, I feel as though Bryan has let me down. He may have had
his reasons but I think about what I would have done if the situation was
reversed and I know I wouldn’t have made the same choices. I would have been
honest and I would have fought for him.
 
As much as I understand his loyalty to his father, I just can’t get past
the fact that he didn’t feel enough for me to stand up to his dad.

“I should go,” I say, needing desperately to get out
of the car before I say all the things I’m thinking and ruin whatever
friendship we have left right now.

“Katy,” he says, taking hold of my hand.
 
We both stare at his grip on me and I can
hear his breathing quicken.
 
I wait
because I need him to step up here.
 
I
need him to make the first move to break free from his father’s shackles
because if I push him and things go as badly as he predicts with regard to his
family and financial situation, I know he’ll blame me in the future.
 
“You know that I care about you…so much.”

I exhale the breath I didn’t realize that I was
holding and tug my hand from his.
 
It’s
funny how empty words can sound, even when you’re desperate to hear them.
 
“But that isn’t enough, is it?”

I don’t wait for him to reply.
 
I’m out of the car and running towards my
house before he can say a word, and as soon as I get the front door open, I let
the tears I’ve been holding in finally fall.

10

Mom
and I are pretty silent on the drive to visit the specialist.
 
Neither of us mentions her confession the
night before; me because, as much as I don’t want to be angry for the effect
it’s had on me, I can’t help it.
 
I’m
guessing she’s too concerned with the outcome of the appointment to think about
anything else.

Dr. Abbott is the doctor that treated my aunt.
 
I wasn’t sure mom would consider bringing me
to see her because she hadn’t been successful in curing Auntie Marie.
 
The smell of the hospital takes me back to
the dark days when mom’s sister was going through the harshest part of her
treatment and I shiver, remembering her pallid skin and the gauntness of her
previously rounded face.

“She’s one of the best,” mom says.

“I know, mom.”

We sit in the waiting room and thumb through
magazines, both of us too preoccupied to make conversation.
 
When my name is finally called it’s like we’re
both frozen to the spot.
 

“Hey, Katelin,” Dr. Abbott says breezily as I enter
her office with mom close behind.

“Hi,” I reply, trying to sound upbeat.
 
I remember she had a thing about positive
thinking and its effect on successful outcomes.
 

“Take a seat and tell me everything.”

I sit on the chair nearest her desk and mom takes the
one next to me.
 
I tell the doctor about
the lump, describing when I first found it, where it is and the size.
 
She tells me she wants to do an
examination.
 
It’s such a vulnerable
feeling to strip away your clothes and lay for someone to feel your
breast.
 
Her gloved hands are cool and
firm and when she finds the lump and presses around it, I inhale sharply with
the pain.
 
I look over at mom and she
looks ashen-faced.

“Well, there is definitely a lump.
 
We will need to do a scan and a biopsy to be
sure of what we’re looking at here.
 
I’ll
call down and make the arrangements.”

Even though I knew this was the likely outcome of
today I still feel like someone has punched me in the gut.
 
I look at mom and she gets up to stand near
the bed while I put my bra and blouse back on.
 
I hear my phone vibrate in my bag and I go over and check my messages
while Dr. Abbott makes her phone calls.

It’s a message from Austin telling me that they’re
thinking of me and to call when I’m done. Then I get another from Bryan asking
how things are going.
 
I still haven’t
told any of my girlfriends what’s happening.
 
I know they’ll all be mad at me when they find
out but I can’t seem to find the words to tell them right now.
 
I start to tap a note to Bryan.
 
I feel like I owe it to him to respond after
our conversation last night.
 
It’s hard
to put what is about to happen to me into words but I manage to say that I’m
going for a scan and biopsy.
 
I don’t
wait for him to respond because mom has come to sit beside me and she has
reached out to put her hand on my arm.
 

It doesn’t feel good to want to flinch away from the
touch of the person closest to you but I do.
 
Her tenderness and concern make me feel raw and closer to tears.
 
I never thought I’d be the kind of person who
wanted to deal with bad things by myself but I am.
 
I know that if I did push her away that I
would hurt her and I don’t want to do that.

We have to wait for an hour before I’m called.
 
The scan and biopsy are painful but the
medical staff are amazing and they try to keep my mind off what’s
happening.
 
Afterward, mom and I decide
to head straight home.
 
I feel
emotionally exhausted and really want to get into my bed and make up some of
the sleep I lost last night through worrying.

When we pull up outside the house, Austin’s rental car
is there.

“Looks like you have visitors,” she says as she parks
up.
 
“Are you okay?”

“Yeah. I’ll go talk to them.”

“Okay, sweetie.
 
I’ll be inside.”

As I get out of the car and walk towards theirs, I can
see that Austin is driving and Jason’s in the passenger seat.

He winds down the window.
 
“Want to come somewhere with us?” he
asks.
 
I’m expecting lots of questions
about what I’ve been through today and was really dreading having to talk about
it.

“I’m tired.” I push the handle of my purse up my
shoulder.

“We can just drive,” Jason says.
 
Austin bends forward. His green eyes are so
worried that I stop thinking about going to rest and get into the back of the
car.
 
No one says anything as Austin puts
the car in drive.
 
I look out the window,
watching as we pass from familiar streets towards a popular spot that I used to
go when I was a teenager.
 
Barton’s Rise
is a place just outside our town where people go to hike and for picnics.
 
It’s also a place that high school kids go to
make-out.
 
The best thing about it,
though, are the views.

Austin reverses the car so that the back is pointed
with a view across the hills.
 
The twin’s
open their doors so I follow suit. It’s like they had all this planned but I
don’t know what
this
is.

When we’re out Austin flips open the trunk.
 
He’s got an icebox in there, and a picnic blanket.
 
The twins grab the supplies and we walk a
little way before they stop to spread everything out.
 
I’m kinda confused about what they’re
doing.
 
There’s no amiable chat, no
trying to make me forget what is happening and no platitudes about how
everything is going to be okay.
 
What
there is are two men who seem hell bent on just keeping me company in my
darkest hour.
 
Two almost strangers who
shouldn’t care an iota about what is going on in my life.
 

I remember something Auntie Marie said to me towards
the end, about how sometimes life gives, just as it is taking away.
 
She’d come into some money a year before her
diagnosis and had made some amazing trips to Europe and Australia as a
result.
 
I can’t help thinking again that
maybe the twins are the universe’s gift to me.

I sit and slip off my shoes, enjoying the cool
dampness of the grass against my skin.
 
Austin unclips the lid on the box and offers me a beer.
 
It may sound like an exaggeration for me to
say that this ice cold beer tastes the best of any I have ever drunk, but it’s
true.
 
He pulls a little box out of his
jacket and starts to roll a joint. It’s been ages since I smoked but I can’t
think of anything more perfect to do on this summer’s evening.
 
Jason reaches out and laces his fingers
through mine and we sit for a while, waiting for Austin to craft what is the
most perfect joint I have ever seen.

“I thought a med student would be anti-marijuana,” I
say as I take the first toke.

“Medicinal qualities.” He shrugs and smiles.
 

“I need all the medicinal qualities I can get right
now.”

Jason’s hand squeezes mine as he inhales and then
blows amazingly complicated smoke rings that float away on the soft breeze.

 
“You know, when
we were kids, our grandpa used to smoke a pipe.
 
We loved to sit at his feet and watch him pack in the tobacco.
 
If I ever walk past someone smoking one now,
it’s like I go back to being five years old.”
 
Austin takes a long drag and blows the smoke through his nose.
 

It isn’t long before my mind feels like a fluffy
little cloud, ready to blow away with the smoke rings.
 
I drink to the bottom of my beer and then lay
back on the rug.
 
It’s starting to get
dark and this far outside of the city, the stars are so much clearer and more
magical.
 

“Do you ever wonder why you are here?” I ask them,
awed by the sight of the universe above me.

“To fuck,” Jason says.
 
We all snort with weird sounding stoned laughter.

“To fuck and to eat,” Austin says.

“I’m being serious,” I protest, sounding like a whiny
little girl.

“You should have asked the serious questions before we
pulled out the weed and booze,” Jason says.

“I don’t usually think about stuff like this.
 
I’m not the kind of girl that worries about
the meaning of life or the purpose of her meager existence.”

“Meager,” Jason says, chuckling.

“What’s so funny about that?” I say.

“I have no fucking idea.”
 
He rolls to his side and props his head on
his hands.
 
In the low light he’s all
shadows and angles with eyes that are blackened because of his enlarged pupils.
 
He looks like a dark angel or maybe an angel
of mercy.
 
Maybe they have come to me to
accompany my soul to the afterlife.
 
My
thoughts seem weirdly distorted but amazingly clear too.

He strokes my cheek and pushes a loose curl back into
place.

“Life is for living,” he says.
 
“While we’re here, we just have to make the
most of every minute.”

“None of us knows how long we’re going to get,” Austin
adds.
 

“Some of us might,” I whisper.
 
It’s the first time I’ve verbalized my fears
and it’s the scariest thing I’ve ever done.

Austin’s sitting up behind where I’m lying and he puts
his big strong palm on my shoulder.
 

“About three years ago, one of our best friends was
diagnosed with Leukemia.
 
It was totally
out of the blue.
 
The guy was a
linebacker.
 
One of the biggest, fiercest
guys you’ve ever seen.
 
None of us could
believe it.
 
He went through the harshest
treatments but he never stopped fighting.
 
He kept talking about the future in a way he’d never done before.
 
Guys don’t talk about getting married and
having kids.
 
We don’t talk about what
kind of house we want to buy and what kind of wife we want to meet.
 
He started to tell people about his long term
dreams; all the places he wanted to visit.
 
He made it through, baby.
 
He
smashed that illness.
 
And you know what,
he has everything he talked about.
 
He
didn’t wait to get the life he wanted.
 
He’s married with a baby now.
 
And
a smaller house than he was dreaming about, but who gives a fuck about that?”

I close my eyes and float for a bit, enjoying their
touch and the clean, natural scent of the grass we’re lying on.
 
I think about my dreams.
 
I’ve been talking about teaching for a while.
Mom has been really pro that choice because it’s such a reliable income and she
knows what it’s like to be a woman on her own with limited options for earning
decent money.
 
The thing is that it isn’t
my dream. I know that.
 
It’s a safe
choice and maybe that’s a good thing, but it doesn’t set my heart on fire.
 
What I want to do is write; not the romance
novels that I love to read but graphic comics and maybe illustrated books for middle
grade kids.
 

I’ve always thought about what it would be like to
make the traditional family that I lost for myself.
 
The ideal husband and two perfect kids.
 
It’s what I thought I should want.
 
It’s the right thing to strive for, after
all.
 
But then I think about what Carrie
has and there is nothing traditional about that.
 
She’s so damn happy and they’re such an
unbelievably strong unit.
 
For such a
long time I’ve been fixed on Bryan and dealing with all these unrequited
feelings.
 
I know I care about him
deeply.
 
More deeply than I’ve wanted to
admit to myself because it hurt so much.
 
I don’t know if I can ever trust him with my heart because of what he’s
put me through.
 

I know I have baggage from my home life.
 
When your father is there one minute and gone
the next, it’s impossible for those feelings of fear and loss to not carry
through into adult relationships.
 
Do I
fear that trusting in one man will leave me open to hurt?
 
Maybe that’s why Carrie’s set-up has appealed
to me so much.
 
Maybe that’s why the
romance books that get me most in the heart are the ones where the heroine
finds her multiple love and is cared for by two strong men. It’s the stability.
 
The fact that even if one decides that she’s
not enough, there is a back-up to step into the breach.
 
I’ve spent so much time wondering what it
would be like to be cared for by two men at the same time and now here I
am.