Hungry (37 page)

I’ve heard it takes twice the length of time you suffer from an eating disorder to fully recover, so for me that would be about . . . sixteen years? Yikes. I think I’ve had enough of numbers, statistical analysis, and counting calories. I will just go by how I feel and hope for the best.

In a culture of black-and-white thinking, food has to be good or bad for us. With anorexia and bulimia, I took it further, and labeled my whole life as good or bad.

I’d like to call my new attitude toward food “mixed” but not “disordered.” I have preferred methods of food preparation and still tend to gravitate toward fruits, vegetables, and lean protein, but does that have to be a problem? I told my therapist recently that sometimes I feel conflicted about food and find myself going back to analyzing everything I might choose to eat. Since I’ve been working out almost daily, I often question the foods that others might offer to me, wondering if having, say, a sloppy Joe for dinner will impede my fitness goals. When does awareness of what you put in your body become obsessive? This is the line I have to find. My therapist very wisely told me that it is okay to be conscious about my food choices, that just because I had an eating disorder doesn’t mean that I always will, and that I don’t have to show the world that I’m recovered by eating everything offered. I am not sick because I don’t want the sloppy Joe.

I think I have at last found a fairly happy medium. There are no good or bad foods and I can instead allow myself anything in moderation. I eat nutritious and healthy foods for the bulk of my diet and allow myself a few treats, especially chocolate. I never say no to a strong craving. What I’ve learned is if I really truly want something I should have it in small portions. This way I will most likely avoid bingeing. Will I ever binge again? Purge? Starve myself and become too thin? I can’t say. I’m just trying to focus on the here and now.

What has really changed is that I believe I can continue to improve and reach as much of a full recovery as possible. I no longer have the
desire
to starve or diet and binge and purge or just purge or restrict severely. I have not quite rediscovered a normal sense of hunger, but I know what I like and what I fear, and that I get into trouble when I put food into categories of good or bad. I will have hard times and I will have diet periods or days where I run or bike too much or refuse to eat something out of fear it will make me fat, but I’m not willing to make myself suffer anymore. There is no discharge from my treatment plan. All I know is that I see a new strength in me—a strength I had forgotten.

Except for a few pseudonyms and identifying details to protect privacy, all the people and events in this book are real. Any errors are ours.

We are deeply indebted to our knowledgeable, clear-sighted trail guides in the publishing industry: editor Denise Silvestro and agent Jane Dystel. They helped us frame our mother-daughter drama in a way that we hope will be useful to other families.

At the birth of this project,
San Jose Mercury News
editors Rebecca Salner and Susan Goldberg were supportive midwives.

Joanne Martin and Fran Smith were astoundingly patient and generous writing coaches.

We got a lot of help from our smart friends Susan Cohen, Shela Fisk, John Hubner, Danelle Morton, Bob Okin, Mary Pratt, Olivia Rosaldo-Pratt, David Schrieberg, Ellen Sussman, Jill Wolfson, and Laraine Zappert.

Sheila’s beloved study group—Connie Casey, JoAnn Gutin, and Paulette Kessler—read and heard about this book for years.

Jana Kahn is the physician who restored hope to our family.

The Squaw Valley Writers Community gave Sheila a week of bliss.

High school English teachers everywhere deserve applause. Sheila is sorry she never thanked Miss Rathert, Mr. Mayes, and Mr. Dessler for teaching teenagers the joys of writing.

Elaine Saville and Nancy Highiet Morse, our sisters/aunts, shared their stories and flew to the rescue.

Jake was there for us, more than he could know.

Ned/Dad read and lived
Hungry
, kept us well fed and, with heroic effort, laughing.

 

 

sheila:
Above all, I appreciate the struggle that writing this book added to Lisa’s life. Now that she has regained forward motion, the trademark sparkle in her eyes, and the total recall of
Waiting for Guffman
, there is no question it was worth the journey. I am incredibly grateful to have her back.

 

 

lisa:
My mom put tremendous heart and dedication into this writing process. I know at times I’ve been difficult. But remember, above everything, I love you to pieces.

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.

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