I Ain't Me No More (22 page)

“I do,” I said, with tears in my eyes.

“Me too,” Dino said, and everybody in the sanctuary let out a chuckle.

I couldn't believe that after knowing Dino for less than a whole year, I had just committed myself to him until death did us part.

As the preacher read the vows for Dino to repeat, Dino stood there holding my hands, trembling, with tears in his eyes. Tears had filled my eyes as well.

Unfortunately, the tears in my eyes weren't tears of joy. I mean, I was happy . . . I guess. I wasn't consumed with the feeling of being in love on my wedding day, a feeling I'd dreamed of as a little girl. I'd dreamed of a love that would break the curse of hate I felt had consumed me. I'd dreamed of the most powerful, mightiest love that could crush through all the bitterness I was filled with.

My tears were mostly tears of pity. I pitied Dino. I felt so sorry for him. He was in love all by himself. That boy honestly loved me. In spite of me and my ways, Dino loved me. I could see it in his eyes when he said, “I do.” This moment, this very moment, his eyes told the world he would treasure his wife for as long as he breathed. It was the look in a man's eyes that every woman would kill to see on her wedding day.

I loved Dino back. Really, I did. I had mad love for him. I just wasn't sure I was in love with him enough to want to spend the rest of my life with him as his wife. I wasn't sure if I loved him as much as I did because he wasn't Dub or because of who he actually was.

Although I hadn't been to church in quite some time prior to Dino's and my nuptials, the church I had been attending was where the wedding was held. It was a nice-size sanctuary that sat around three hundred people. It had a huge vaulted stained-glass ceiling, and when I looked up, I truly felt as if I was getting a sneak peek into heaven. But what I loved most were the beautifully painted angels that decorated the walls of the church.

On that day, it served as nothing more than a building. There was no anointing in our union. Even the minister who married us could discern it, especially after getting a chance to dive inside our relationship a little after I signed us up for counseling sessions.

After the first session she was on to me. She could see right through me with all my talking over Dino whenever she asked him about things he saw in me that he didn't care for.

“Sometimes she yells and fusses and says—”

I cut him off quicker than Michael Myers and Jason put together could have cut one of their victims. Why was he telling this woman about my yelling and fussing?

I knew there was this ugly beast inside of me that sometimes lost control, but that was my business. It was my demon. It was like this thing would just take over me. It would handcuff and muzzle me so that I couldn't stop it from doing whatever it was it wanted to do . . . from hurt whomever it wanted to hurt. No matter how painful it was for me to just stand by and watch. It felt like a sickness, like a disease there was no cure for.

One time I had an episode of screaming at Baby D, who was now in second grade. I had screamed at him for about two hours, and afterward I had prayed to God to just let me be nice for one week. Let me not snap off and lose control. It was probably what someone trying to rid themselves of a cigarette addiction would pray. If I could control myself for one week, then I could do it for two and then three and so on. But my prayers were never answered. Perhaps they were, but I just was too busy yelling to hear the answer.

One day I shared my feelings with my mother. After that she started spending more and more time with Baby D. She basically relieved me of him, so to speak, because eventually all his clothing and belongings ended up at her house. He was safe from my vicious tongue there. While he was gone, I was hoping not having him around would allow me to change a little. It allowed me to change only the person whom I directed it all at, which was Dino. And now he was ratting me out!

I began talking over Dino, with a fake smile plastered on my face.

“I just talk loud,” I said, reasoning with the minister. “My whole family is loud. Our voices carry.”

The minister tried her best to get back to Dino's concerns by ignoring me completely and staying focused on Dino. “So you don't like when she yells and fusses?” she repeated. “How does that make you f—”

I talked over her as well. “I used to get in trouble all the time in class for talking loud.” I chuckled.

Now, at the altar, I was even talking over God's “Please don't” with my own “I do.” Seeing that I was a big girl and insisted on doing my own thing, God let me be. And with His absence, God was nowhere in the midst of this marriage. Even He knew my heart and refused to show up and bless such a mess.

I felt so bad knowing that my “I do” and Dino's “I do” didn't mean the same thing. His “I do” meant just that. Mine meant ‘I really shouldn't, but I will.' Dino didn't deserve that. He didn't deserve me. He deserved much better.

Dino would have given me the world if he could have. He was romantic, liked holding my hand or putting his arm around me. He opened doors for me. Anywhere he got invited, he invited me, whether he thought I wanted to go or not. He loved hanging out with me. He wanted to show me off to the world like I was Miss Universe. Like in D'Angelo's song, I was his lady and he wanted the world to know. Like Maxwell, he felt fortunate to have me.

The way Dino felt about me was exactly how I had always wanted a man to feel about me. It was the fairy tale. Well, almost the fairy tale. The only thing that wasn't part of the fairy tale was the proposal. Dino didn't get down on one knee and propose in some special way. But I know he would have . . . had I let him.

See, I had thrown Dino this really nice birthday party at a party house and had invited all his friends and family and mine. I was going to do it up. I even made sure that Dino invited his baby mama's cousin, whom she was living with, and his wife. Word needed to get back to her ASAP about what was going to go down at the party. If she had any ideas about trying to get back with Dino, after tonight they would be crushed. Like Bianca had instructed me, I was not going to let her get the “w.”

While Dino wasn't that financially stable, at least his hours at Wendy's had increased to full time and he'd gone on two interviews at a bank. He'd also gotten lucky with a lottery scratch-off ticket, winning five thousand dollars, which he turned over to his landlord. In addition, he was getting caught up on his rent from monies from his paycheck. And, of course, we were living together now, so I had income to chip in and help out. I was going to be the wife, which trumped the baby mama. Things were looking much brighter. Dino was a good guy, much better than Dub. I couldn't see myself getting a better guy. So why not just marry him and allow our relationship to fully blossom?

After about an hour into the party I had the DJ stop the music so that I could make a toast to Dino.

“First, I just want to thank everybody for coming out. I know it's a blizzard out there, but thank you, guys, for pressing your way through. It really means a lot to me, and I'm sure it means a lot to Dino.” I looked over at Dino, who nodded in agreement with a smile. “Dino's a special guy. That's why I wanted to throw him this special birthday celebration. If anybody deserves it, it's my baby.”

“Awww.” Dino playfully blushed and then kissed me on the cheek .

“Y'all know it's the truth. Dino would give you the shirt off his back if you needed it. He'd give you the last bite off his plate if you were hungry.” I looked over at Dino and jokingly rubbed his pudgy belly. “Well, I don't know about that last one.”

Everyone started laughing.

“No, but seriously,” I continued. “I couldn't have asked for a more loving, kind, caring gentleman in my life. I can see myself spending the rest of my life with Dino.” I turned and looked into his eyes. “As a matter of fact . . .” That was when I reached into my pocket and pulled out a box. “I want to spend the rest of my life with you.” I opened the box, which held a beautiful gold band with diamonds around it. “Tarino ‘Dino' Morton, will you marry me?”

Dino was in complete shock, as was everybody else in the room. I had kept this entire thing under lock and key. I hadn't told a soul. It wasn't that I didn't want someone slipping up and telling Dino. The truth was, I knew darn well I had no business asking this man to marry me, and a real friend would have talked me right out of it. Then I wouldn't be able to get the “w.”

The whole proposal thing wasn't something I wanted to share with people. I was almost embarrassed that I was doing this. But I did not want to lose to his baby mama—no way and no how. I refused to take the “l” to any woman. So before he could even think about leaving me to get back with her, I had to lock him in good. Did I love Dino? Yes. Enough to marry him right now? Well . . . But none of that mattered. In my mind, time was of the essence. The clock on the scoreboard was ticking. And before the game ended, I had to make sure I made the winning shot.

And so, just a few short months later, when the minister said, “I now pronounce you man and wife,” Dino was locked in, all right. But even worse, I was now locked in too.

 

 

“You going out again?” Dino asked me as I came down the steps, dressed in next to nothing. “And you're wearing that?”

I had on some thin white pants with a lacy white bodysuit and some white stilettos. Underneath the see-through lacy bodysuit, I wore a lacy Victoria's Secret bra and a matching thong. I loved dressing like this. I loved showing off what my mama gave me.

“I told you I was going out,” I reminded Dino.

“You taking the car?” he asked. The car I had when Dino and I first met had died on me. It had got so worn out taking both Dino and me where we needed to be, not to mention the way Dub had worn it down as well. A couple, two kids, and no car was not going to work. We needed transportation. I had practically no credit, and Dino's wasn't good enough for us to get a nice new car. So we scraped our pennies together and got the best one that we could.

“Lori's coming to get me.”

Lori was the wife of his baby's mama cousin, whom she lived with. She was Tabatha's twenty-seven-year-old cousin-in-law. Ever since the birthday party when I proposed to Dino, Lori had been like my best bud. She wasn't from Ohio and had no family here. She'd shared with me that she resented Tabatha for moving in with them, along with her baby, and practically taking over their house. If you asked me, there was really only one reason why Lori had befriended me—to get under Tabatha's skin. It was probably safe to say that I had befriended her for the same reason.

Being a stay-at-home mom, Lori's five-foot-two-inch, 160-pound frame didn't get out much. The couple of times she went out with me were her only outlet besides trips to the local grocery store. Her husband, on the other hand, was always out with his boys, so Lori loved the opportunity to switch places with him and have him sit at home and take care of the kids. She said it was like taking a vacation from the person she really was. I could relate, especially on nights like tonight ,when I was going out to kick it, almost forgetting the fact that I was somebody's wife and mother too.

I looked down at my outfit. “What's wrong with what I have on? When I wore it to the cabaret that one time, you said you loved it.”

“Yeah, that's because you were with me. I'm not about to allow my wife to go out of the house, looking like that, without me.”

Had he just said he wasn't going to
allow
me to do something? Oh, he definitely had the wrong one. We'd been married for only three months, and if he thought he was going to start telling me what I could and could not do, he had another think coming. And I was about to give it to him. But before I could, the doorbell rang. That negro was saved by the bell, literally.

I rolled my eyes at him and went to open the door.

“Hey, girl,” I said, greeting Lori as she stepped inside our apartment.

“What's up?” she replied to me and then turned her attention to Dino. “What's up, Big D?”

“Oh, nothing too much.” Dino stood to greet and hug Lori. “What's that husband of yours up to?”

“Nothing. At home with the kids so I can go and get my drink on. It's been a long week with those bey-beys. I need a drink. A strong one.” She laughed and then looked at me. “You ready, girl? You look too cute.”

“Yeah, I'm ready. Thank you,” I replied. “I just have to head up the stairs and get my purse. I'll be right back.”

I darted up the steps and went into my bedroom closet. I needed to retrieve my little white clutch-like purse. I didn't want to carry my everyday purse, because it nowhere near matched my outfit and it was too big.

“Oh, God! You scared me,” I said as I went to exit the closet with my purse in hand. I hadn't even heard Dino come up the steps. He was just standing there in the closet doorway. “What's up? You need something before I leave? There is leftover meat loaf in the fridge and—”

“I don't need no food.” Dino cut me off with a sharp tone. It surprised me because Dino had always been soft-spoken, except for that time he went off about that abortion. “But what I do need you to do for me before you leave is to change up out of that outfit.”

I looked at him for a moment like he was crazy, then let out a chuckle. “Boy, you crazy.” I went to brush by him, but he grabbed my arm. I looked up into his eyes and knew he was not joking around. There was this look in his eyes. I'd never seen it before. Correction. I
had
seen it before, but not in his eyes . . . in Dub's.